DD's homework (y7) driving me nuts!

[whatsonyourplate]

My eldest DD is nearing the end of year 7, and I was really hoping she'd have got into the swing of being proactive about her homework by now, but she hasn't. I'm continually reminding her, asking her to do it, telling her to do it, yelling at her for not having done it. It's driving me crazy and I'm sick of hearing myself.

We've tried sitting down with her and getting her to plan what she's going to do when but she just shrugs, we've tried planning it out for her but then she doesn't stick to it. Some pieces of homework she gets are extended pieces that they are supposed to be done over a few weeks; her record so far involves starting one at 8.30pm the night before it was due in.

She's very able and concientious in school, but it's like she leaves her brain at the school gate on her way out.

Does anyone have any strategies that might work?

Leave her to it and when she gets in trouble with school perhaps that'll be the kick up the backside she needs to get organised.

yes I know that's what I ought to do, and have done sometimes. It leads to her doing it at bedtime, or in the morning before school. I know she'd be distraught to get a detention which is partly why I try and save her from herself.

That and she doesn't seem to know how to get herself organised, so I feel like I need to help her but that's not working either.

You've tried helping her but it's not working- a detention won't kill her and it might be the shock she needs.

My DB was like this- didn't do his work but terrified of being told off by a teacher. My Mum just stopped reminding him, and also stopped him doing it past his bedtime. It must've been awful for both of them but his attitude really did change after that.

What pp have said not nagging just leave her to it and no homework after bedtime.

Leave her to it. You won't always be around to nag her and she needs to learn (better that she learns now than during gcse coursework).

So what? Not mention it at all?
I'm not sure I can hold my nerve...

Hold your nerve!

So what she gets detention? That's just a consequence of her actions. id give her maybe one reminder and leave it at that.

Yes to what all the above have said . I think it's a good way . What I would do is also let her tutor know your are trying this new tact . I often feel like I have to make mine do their HW because I don't want to get in trouble either

I know she'd be distraught to get a detention which is partly why I try and save her from herself.

You are stopping her from taking responsibility then aren't you?

She needs:
-place to do it, away from TV etc
-time to do it every day. For ds this is after dinner, he has about 1.5 hours. This time is his choice, as it works best for him.
-removal of screens at home work time (this is a big battle for us)
-strict no homework after bedtime (and for us, none in the morning because morning is so tight. But one morning ds set his alarm for 6 to do a piece, which was fine.

We are supposed to check their planners regularly, so about once a week, which is how I find out about extended pieces. I do remind about extended pieces, I ask which bit he is doing this weekend.

The if all that is in place, you have to leave her to it. If it isn't done, she has to face the consequences.
In year 7 we did have a rule that he did something every night, so he didn't end up with a pile on one night.

So what? Not mention it at all?

You need to tell her that the rules have changed, otherwise she'll feal (with reason) that you've set her up to fail.

Decide what you want to do (eg you'll discuss her homework at the start of the evening, but after that no more warnings or reminders. It's up to her to get it done, but she can always ask you at any time if she needs help. No homework after bedtime.)

At a relaxed time, sit down with her and explain that this is how it will be now. Tell her that you have faith in her that she can step up and take responsibility for this. Don't lecture, or imply in any way that you expect her to fail.

If she does fail, again don't lecture - express sympathy, reiterate how it is now, if appropriate problem solve with her how to get over anything that's stopping her. Repeat.

And hold your nerve

I was (still am! ) just like your daughter. My parents just let me get on with procrastinating and making excuses and I learned to manage my own time. I'm still a massive procrastinator but I've built a good career and was very self-sufficient from a young age. Let her know that you're leaving her to it and do so

Its so hard isn't it... I agree with the others, I think you need to start thinking ahead in terms of helping her take responsibility for herself. Ultimately that's what is going to help her develop qualities such as persistence / responsibility / self-reliance / hard work etc. I do understand about the constant reminding, I have done it too and homework at one point was the bane of my life!!

I think, like strawberry said, you need to discuss with her what the new rules will be. Catch her at a good moment, but make sure you know exactly what the new rules will be in terms of routines / how much (if at all) you're going to be checking on her and when / how much help she can expect from you etc. You need to have all this clear in your mind before you talk to her so that when you talk to her you're not faltering and you don't sound unsure. You can explain your reasoning too but don't accept any negotiation on this. Just say that what has been happening so far has been making everyone unhappy & ultimately its not helping her. At year 7 she absolutely can take most of the responsibility herself. And then clarify the time she'll have for homework etc, like steppemum said. Also clarify, as I said, when and in what way you or your DP will be available to help her / review what she's doing. You should not be expected to be 'on call' at any time to help her with homework.

Here is a really good book that helped me hugely to think about homework in a different way.

Leave her to it. I never did homework I saw as unnecessary. Even entire practice coursework projects. I did all the stuff that counted though and did it well. Drive my teachers mad and I spent a lot of time dodging detention but I still came out with A*s, got a good degree and did a professional job which requires long hours and taking work home (have quit now for something better).

Thanks for all the comments, and that book looks interesting stillloving. You are mostly saying what DH and I have already agreed (help her to work out her own plan, have a specific time to do homework, then leave her to it). The problem being I haven't been very good at implementing what we agreed. I also know I'm projecting as I'm a terrible procrastinator myself, and remember lying awake at night worrying about unfinished coursework (and scrapping a D on my Geography GCSE because of it).

She had Drama homework due in today and hadn't done it despite knowing about it for at least 2 weeks. When she was crying about stomach ache this morning I wasn't sure whether to commiserate or film it and submit the video to her drama teacher in lieu of homework .

We gave her benefit of the doubt this time but DH has had a serious talk to her about her homework and the associated risks (detention, not doing well in tests etc) of not doing it. They have come up with a plan for finishing the current pieces. We shall see how it goes.

Does she have any hobbies or things she loves doing? Use those as a carrot. Mine doesn't get to use tech or go to loved activities until AFTER HW!

I agree with those saying hold your nerve. I had to do it with dd (on advice of lovely MIL). Paid off in the long run. It's her homework not yours

During Y7 I used to have daily arguments with DS1 about homework, reminding him to do it, asking him, telling him, listening to the moaning.
My DM reminded me that she had never been involved in my homework unless I asked for help. Told DS1 that I would provide anything he needed pens, pencils, paper, glue but he had to be responsible and we wouldn't be talking about homework unless he asked for help anymore. He had about 5 detentions but soon got the idea. Now he's in Y8 he is getting better. Still leaves everything to the last minute but we don't argue about it anymore.