Please reassure me on crying to sleep

[acnebride]

This is such a petty little thing but it's on my mind - can you reassure me? My PILs very kindly babysat my ds of 4.5 months on Saturday to give us a wedding night alone. Turns out that they left him to cry himself to sleep for 20 mins - this after an incident in the bath where his kicking was so strong that he squirmed out of MIL's hands and went under the water, terrifying himself.

I must admit, I'm not the most AP style mother myself and have certainly left him to settle for a few minutes. Also, if he doesn't, one of the first things I would try would be a bf, which the PILs can't do. But would also soothe him, stroke his head etc and really don't think i have ever left him for 20 mins crying.

What actually bothers me more was FIL's approach - MIL was v apologetic about it all - FIL said that he prevented MIL from going up to ds and that 'he did settle of course'.

Am I overreacting? Feel sure i am. DS was happy as ever on Sunday and nothing but smiles and gurgles for besotted PILs. Terrified of bath tho.

I personally do not think you are overreacting and at 4.5 months your ds is still learning about sleep.
Your MIL must have realised that this would upset you by apologising. Your FIL I feel needs to be told very firmly that this is not okay by you. I think that is very sad that he prevented her going to your ds.
While the crying has probably not upset him too much, he must have remembered the bath incident if scared and I am a AP kinda mummy, and distressing incidences especially as grows older and more understanding of his general environment to me would not help your ds develop confidence about being looked after by others.

I have heard from lots of people on here that they've had to leave babes to cry for around this long, mainly out of desperation, and I don't personally think it will have left him with any long term distress...but I do think if you're going out again you need to be really clear with whoever's sitting about what to do if he won't settle - it's really confusing for him if he gets a different response. pil always think they know best ime but its most important what you think is best. i've had sitters who've got dd up when she's unsettled, whereas we always settle her in the cot...i didn't mind so much because she was still getting cuddles and reassurance, but i still think they should have respected what i asked!

btw you're not over reacting i'd have been furious too, just think there's no point in worrying about what's happened, instead make sure you're not in this position again iyswim

I am absolutely certain it won't have caused him any distress whatsoever. The fact that he is so happy and loving says it all. After all, babies of that age and younger often cry for much longer than 20minutes - my ds used to cry for hours in the evening (colic) even when held, rocked, walked up and down etc etc. I realy think you should put any fears about your ds out of your head. He's fine. But you are completely within your rights to tell your PIL that you don't want him left for more than five minutes at a time if they babysit in future and that this is very important to you (if it is) and that it is also very important that you feel you can trust them. Your FIL sounds slightly bullying in that old fashioned way and you must give your MIL the right to follow her instincts and lots of backup so she feels able to stand up to her husband, I think.
BTW I don't think, personally, that it does confuse babies to have a different approach from different people. As a babysitter I used different approaches because the situation was already different - ie I wasn't mummy so might need to be more interventionist in comforting a baby than a mum would - ie wheras I might be able to comfort my ds just by stroking him and talking, a relative stranger might need to cuddle him and get him up.
I personally wouldn't let it stop me having them babysit again. An overnight babysitter is a very handy resource!

Thanks for excellent messages, this is really helpful to me. ds is easy baby so rarely does have probs going to sleep - hadn't really thought thru what to say to Pils. Will do as and when they agree to do it again - tho may simply ask them to sit after ds is asleep! they are great to do it.

Hi,

I can't add anything more useful than the other posters have re crying to sleep.But we did have a bath incident with DD 2 wks ago,when she wriggled out of my grasp in the big bath & momentarily went under.She screamed the next time she was put in it,so I left it a few days & tried putting her in the baby bath in front of Cbeebies.She made a few anxious noises,but when given a new bath toy,soon settled down happily & has been fine since.

I hope your DS forgets about his ducking soon.