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Original poster

Is 14 months too young for discipline? And what should I be doing if not smacking?

61 replies

MerryMarigold · 15/01/2007 09:17

SO CONFUSED.

I think ds is at an age where he can learn what is acceptable/ not acceptable. But am not sure how to teach him. It is a very few simple things like:

do not put your hand in poo when I am changing you (did it 4 times during one bad nappy change the other day!)
stop doing something when I ask (eg. banging on the TV)
don't spit out food

My Mum thinks smacking is the way as we were smacked and it didn't do us any harm (that we can pinpoint). As long as it is only 1 smack and you have not lost it, she says it is fine. I have read things that say it isn't ok (without explaining WHY it's not ok), so I am really confused now.

He is far too young to understand 'reason', so how to I teach him that he needs to obey if Mummy says 'stop' if not smacking?

He's a very happy, confident little boy, and I don't want to bash that out of him, but neither do I want a child who is badly behaved/ disobedient/ disrespectful.

Please help!

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schneebly · 15/01/2007 09:21

He sounds like a normal 14 month old to me - I wouldnt go down the smacking route if I were you. He is still a baby really. Just say 'no' in a firm way or distract him from whatever he is doing wrong and lots and lots of OTT praise when he is doing something right or does as he is asked. Good luck.

wurlywurly · 15/01/2007 09:24

i agree with schneebly he still very much is a baby and may find smacking a game and smack you back. Definatley praise more for good things and hopefully he will notice the lack of praise and hugs when he is naughty.

IdrisTheDragon · 15/01/2007 09:28

IMO smacking is not going to help to discipline a 14 month old. What works better is distraction, ignoring (in some cases) or moving them away from whatever it is (with a back up of No ie in the case of DD trying to play with the switches).

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aviatrix · 15/01/2007 09:29

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colditz · 15/01/2007 09:30

14 months old you aren't going to teach him not to put his hnd in poo. Just try to give him something else to fiddle with.

When he spits his food it is probably becvause he is no longer hungry. Stop feeding him.

If he won't stop doing something, pick him up, move him and do something else with him.

colditz · 15/01/2007 09:31

I found this age very hard on my back, as I was always lugging ds1 around!

juuule · 15/01/2007 09:31

He sounds like a normal 14mo. He's not too young to start reasoning with but he is too young to expect him to take a lot of notice at this point. Distraction is best at this stage.

Twiglett · 15/01/2007 09:32

or a short sharp no and removing him from the situation .. like banging the table

divert with other stuff

or if really abhorrent behaviour then put him on a stair for a minute .. but only a minute .. it should be enough at this age to put him on the floor and ignore him tbh

if you smack him (which I am personally not completely adverse to) you will probably teach him to smack back .. which you just don't want .. because babies COPY what their parents do

aviatrix · 15/01/2007 09:32

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choosyfloosy · 15/01/2007 09:35

What schneebly said. You really have to watch for them doing things right.

I don't smack because I do not trust myself not to lose it - I have come very close many, many times as I don't find motherhood easy. I'd agree that a single smack is not the worst thing that can happen to a child - I happen to believe it is pretty ineffective, though that may be because when you actually see a child being smacked, it always seems to be a situation where the parent has lost their rag completely due to stresses we all know well, and what I feel is distress and sympathy, rather than 'well done that mum'. presumably where smacking is part of a known regime, it is all a lot calmer and more logical.

still won't do it though.

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 15/01/2007 09:45

Thanks for all advice and support. I think I am doing quite a bit of it, especially all the positive praise and distraction/ constant moving away, but it is nice to know I'm not being too soft! What age do you start to actively 'discipline' eg. 'timeout' on the step/ in bedroom etc.

Yes, with nappy changing I have tried to give him something to play with but usually just puts that in the poo as well! He spits out when he has put it the food in or when I have put it in, usually when he want to move onto a yoghurt/ fruit.

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Twiglett · 15/01/2007 09:48

I think he's already old enough for gentle time-outs .. ie putting him down at your feet .. but I'd only use them for behaviour that hurts (pinching / hitting)

with nappy changing .. if he's on the floor just snake a leg over him so he can't move .. [girn]

morningpaper · 15/01/2007 09:49

When I say a firm NO to my child (similar age) she KNOWS what it means. I say NO firmly three times and on the third time REMOVE her firmly from the situation - i.e. sit her on the floor three feet away from the "crime". She knows this is the most awful telling off and bawls her eyes out, which is fine by me, it means she's understood.

morningpaper · 15/01/2007 09:50

Yes with nappy changing I would just shove something in her hands to distract her i.e. a baby wipe, a bottle of shampoo, a panty-liner....

Miaou · 15/01/2007 10:03

Agree that the saying "no" in a firm voice works best (for me anyway). Ds is 17m and as soon as he was crawling we started saying "no" if he was doing things we didn't want him to. Generally I get my face level with his and say no in a lower tone than I normally use - it definitely has an effect!

However you can do it in conjunction with other techniques - eg the poo thing - I always give ds a toy to hold whilst I am changing him, or sing to him. Spitting food - if it is happening all the time and not just when he has had enough, then he is making it into a game. You could try saying "no" and removing the food from the table for a few seconds (pick up his plate and turn your back on him) - but don't make a huge issue over it - it is probably a phase he will work through!

Another thing to bear in mind is to pick your arguments - eg ds went through a phase of crawling onto the hearth a few months ago. Rather than tell him not to, as the fireplace was never used and was safe, we let him crawl onto it, and within a couple of weeks he had got bored of it and left it alone! Also, he kept trying to touch the radiator - so I let him. He hurt his hand (obviously he didn't burn it!) - but it was hot enough to give him a surprise. He never touched it again (just points to it and says "hot, hot!") - far more effective thanme trying to stop him.

Hope some of this is useful. Sorry, I do go on...

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 15/01/2007 10:05

bottle of shampoo covered in poo! I think the leg pinning him down may work better and a bit difficult to get his arm over it/ under it.

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Original poster

MerryMarigold · 15/01/2007 10:10

Hi miaou. Very useful, not going on! I do seem to say 'no' a lot in a lower, louder voice, but have not tried getting to his level/ making eye contact consistently. also not tried morningpaper's 3x thing, which sounds very good. he is a real boy (first and only word is 'ball!) and not super-sensitive to tones of voice...

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hippmummy · 15/01/2007 10:18

My ds is 15mths and I'm slowly starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel wrt getting him not to do certain things. Only saying 'no' 100 times a day instead of 200 . He will learn, but it takes time to sink in...

I think also, as a further counter to your mum's arguement it will never be 'just one smack'. Your ds will keep doing the things you don't like and you'll have to smack him each time if you want to be consistent. I also agree that he will not understand what it is, and start doing the same back to you. Then you'll be stuck in a 'smacking him for smacking' you vicious circle

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 15/01/2007 10:26

hippmummy, how is he learning what no means? what have you done? i have been saying no for months and months, but on its own doesn't seem to be enough...

i think the just one smack was meant as one smack at a time, ie. not losing control and hitting over and over again. still don't wanna do it though!

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Isa11 · 15/01/2007 10:36

I wouldn't smack. As has been mentioned by others on this thread, children learn by imitation. You don't want him to start smaking you back or anyone else.

As to putting hands in poo (or for that matter banging on the TV), rest assured that most 18 year olds don't do that, so he will eventually grow out of it!!

The best thing for a baby of this age is to move them away. Of course it is never too soon to teach the word 'no', so just say it firmly before moving them away, so they start making the connection between the'no' word and not doing something.

Good luck. If you don't want to be constantly in that kind of situation however, we found it useful to move away all items that we didn't want our baby to touch, so that we wouldn't have to spend the whole day saying no. It can become exhausting...14 month olds will not stop exploring no matter what you do or say

hippmummy · 15/01/2007 10:41

Well, its been a chore because he was into everything - pulling out CD's turning TV/computer on/off, pulling things off tables. Shouting 'no' was having no effect because I think he found my reaction interesting.

I came on MN with a similar request, because I'd resorted to smacking on the hand (and hating it) which was having no effect either.

In the end all I can say is that it takes time - it's very tedious. Keep saying no, in a low voice and move him away from what he's doing. You'll have to do it over and over again but he will get there. If I say to DS2 now 'don't touch the tv' he'll pause - sometimes he'll still touch but sometimes he says 'nooooooo' while he's touching - so I guess that's progress

For things like touching poo all you can do is physically keep his hands out of the way.

For stuff like throwing his food or cup on the floor at mealtimes - I just keep them out of reach and hold the cup for him while drinking.

If he spits food out, i'd assume he doesn't want it though.

Hope it helps and good luck - he is still a baby and will grow out of it if you persist

anniemac · 15/01/2007 11:08

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anniemac · 15/01/2007 11:09

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Aloha · 15/01/2007 11:18

If babies always obeyed their parents the human race would have died out as they would never have done all the normal developmental things like move about, see how things work, explore tastes and textures and tried new things all the time. Babies are NOT meant to 'obey', they follow a much more compelling internal need to explore and experiment. You are there to make sure those experiments are safe for them. So if they are banging on the television and you seriously think there is a risk it will fall on him or break (or if you will go completely insane if he doesn't stop and hurl him out of the window) then you move him away and distract him. it can help, IMO, to remember that he is not 'banging on the television', he is conducting an experiment as to what happens when his body collides at varying speeds with a hard, shiny object. He is noting the sound, the sensation and the sound involved, and will keep repeating the experiment to see if the results are constant!
I never 'discipline' my nearly two year old. I'm not perfect at all. I get very fed up and yell sometimes, I grab her and put her tights on whether she wants to or not if we have to go out and I have to walk away sometimes if she's driving me doolally,and if she bites her brother, say, I say 'NO! We don't bite ds! He is lovely. Poor ds! Say sorry!" but I honestly think that you don't need naughty stairs and time outs and all the things supernanny et al tell you that you absolutely have to do or your child will end up on crack by the time they are ten.

anniemac · 15/01/2007 11:42

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