Top tips - dh back to work next week. Newborn and 3.5 ds.

[milkyman]

Dh goes back to work next week and has been off for six weeks - i had a csection and complications. Ds is 3.5 and v hyper - in nursery 2.5 days a week. Have friends and family near by. Any top tips on how to cope successfully? Dh works long hours so i will do bedtimes and nursery drop offs. Ds ok but miffed about attention baby takes away from him!

No advice but watching as I have 2.5 year old and newborn and DH goes back on Mon too! Feeling quite apprehensive as older one really struggles when I feed baby - ok when DH can distract when he gets really boisterous - much harder on my own!

Have 1 month old DD, 2yr old DS and 4 yr old DD here. The older two are at nursery 4 days a week and DH has had Fridays off for his paternity leave so I haven't had a whole day of 3 yet. They are term time only though and half term getting very close so I will have to get my head round it soon.
When DS was new though, I made sure that my bag was ready the night before with nappies, snacks etc... and I would get up, washed and dressed before DH left for the day. We went out as soon as possible after I finished the first feed so that DS's first nap was in car/pram - we were often first at soft play/park or wherever!
Home for lunch and DD napped (will be using TV for DD at this time I think when DS is napping so that I can have a wee bit of quiet time).
Then back out to visit friends or play in garden for the afternoon. Last couple of hours before DH came home and I was trying to cook while wearing baby to try to get him to sleep was the hardest part.
On nursery days at the moment everyone is up and dressed before we go downstairs, DH puts breakfast out before he leaves and i feed DD while they eat. Then its a bit frantic while i convince them both to get out the door and in car. I have dinner almost ready before I pick them up so that I can feed them almost as soon as they get in.
You'll be absolutely fine - the anticipation is always far worse than the reality! You will work out your own rhythm and you will really appreciate nursery days!!!!

I'm in a similar boat. DD is barely 2 and it's been exactly a week since DS arrived by emergency Caesarian. Husband contracts so could not really take time off once I got home from hospital. You say you have fam/friends nearby, my advice is use them. Would someone or several someones be open to a standing appointment once or twice a week to maybe take your oldest out or help with lunch? You say you had complications and I'm still at the point where I can't lift my DD in and out of crib/high chair/bath so home life would not function without the help of my Mum and sister. Evolutionarily speaking we are not meant to be sole carers of our children 24/7, certainly not while sporting massive abdominal wounds. Send out the bat signal and soak up as much help as you can.

Set no expectations for the day ie cleaning to be done errands to be ran etc. If everyone is alive clean and fed by the end of the day then it's been a success. Accept all offers of help to babysit either child or help with cleaning or ironing. The days will pass with a blur at 1st but in time you'll settle into your own routine.

Have low expectations. If you are still in pj's at lunchtime, but both children are fed and happy it doesn't matter.

We're 14 weeks into our new arrival and surviving! Dh also works long hours so often not home when ds1 is awake. We have a 2.10 year gap. I find bath and bedtime hardest do if people are offering help that's what I'd ask for!

I get nursery stuff ready the night before. Feed ds2 then get dressed before getting ds1 up and dressed then straight to nursery.

On non nursery days it's a bit more relaxed but usually head out around 10 for something toddler friendly where I can feed ds2 without worrying about ds1 causing mayhem!

At home I do use TV if needed during feeding. I ask ds1 to help as much as possible as he likes this. And when ds2 is asleep I try and give him lots of attention.

Bathtime works best if I can do them both together... then ds1 into bed, story, feed ds2 and settle him.

I don't try and do any housework when I have them both so if I manage a bit it feels like a massive achievement. I'm pretty happy if we all get to the end of the day alive and fed :-)

Seriously, it hasn't been as bad as I expected and mostly I'm enjoying having 2. I just try not to dwell on the bits where everyone was screaming!

Forgot to say, I used the sling a lot in the early days when ds2 didn't want to be put down.

Dh would get up and showered for work 10 minutes earlier so I could manage a shower and chuck some clothes on whilst he had both children.

Ds1 was just 3 when Ds2 was born and then went to pre school 5 mornings a week so I needed to feel presentable. I also had a c section.

My advice is, get Dh to have the children whilst you shower/get dressed. Order your food shopping on-line. Have bags packed including snacks for Ds1 then you can go when you need to.

I made a big deal of telling Ds1 to wait whilst I dealt with Ds2 but equally told newborn Ds2 that he had to wait a minute whilst I just did X for Ds1.

Only do what you need to housework wise. This is why you have good friends. I have stripped beds, cleaned kitchens and cooked for friends with babies/toddlers. It is what you do.

Ds1 and Ds2 are now 13 and 10 and they are the best of friends!

Yes if you can just manage to get up dressed and out to playgroup soft play etc it makes the days go far quicker and you'll hopefully make friends with those in the same predicament situation as you
I cried for a week when my DH went back to work and left me with newborn and 15mth old but it does pass I promise.

Get up and out in the morning so baby can nap in the pushchair / sling. Then you don't feel guilty watching constant tv from 1pm

Bedtime I used to do both together in our bed. Now they're a bit older dd1 just waits for dd2 to go to sleep, she 'reads' in her room. Sadly she hasn't yet dropped off while she's waiting for me!

Get all clothes for the week out and ready on the Sunday- saves messing about each morning. I used to pop mine into gift bags- one for each day.

Have an activity for the toddler ready the night before so first thing you can let him crack on with that whilst you sort out the baby. It doesn't have to be taxing- straws and a colondar used to keep my DD amused for ages. Prep prep prep as much as you can- bags of snacks, change bag, buggy blankets/sippy cups/Muslins- it all makes life that little bit easier. Oh, and enjoy the bits when it's quiet. Don't just clean/do housework because you think you should.

Depends on the baby. DS has been happy to be put down since day 1 so I didn't need the sling in the end.
Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Try to enjoy them at the stages they are rather then live up to some ideal of perfection. The only one that needs to be dressed ready for the day for nursery drop off is DS so get him sorted, baby can stay in PJ's and I tend to throw on clothes to look presentable enough and get washed, dressed and breakfasted properly when I get back.

We had 23 mths and 20 mth gap between our 3 DC. Middle DC is disabled and didn't walk until his 4th birthday and is still in nappies now at nearly 7.
It was hard I had all 3 at home from April-September and the eldest DS did 5 mornings per week.
DH left at 8 and was home at 6.
Lots of tiddler groups to break up the day.
Good luck you'll be fine !

Thanks all - will a 3.5 age gap make a difference do you think? When should it get easier?

Do seek out toddler groups as others said, it really helps.
I'm not sure when it gets easier, it just changes I think.
Maybe when they're both at school