Feral 17mo. Feel a total failure.

[cobaltblue27]

We have just abandoned a bank holiday weekend which we had planned to spend at a (not cheap!) 'family-friendly' hotel and spa in the country. I am very anxious taking our 17mo DS anywhere, as he is a terrible eater (he barely ate anything until he was 9/10mo and then only under perfect conditions with no distractions, being sung to, taking ages etc and still making disgusting mess). So I never go out to eat with him and our lives have become much smaller, revolving around his routine at home. It is very lonely and boring, but it seems less stressful that way. We attempted one holiday to Sicily when he was 10mo which was a total disaster. Our luggage was lost for 4/7 days, he ate nothing, and then started refusing bottles (later we found out this was because he got a throat infection), and it was a nightmare from start to finish. At the time I resigned myself to never going away until he was a teenager, but having had a terrible few months, with a stint in intensive care, subsequent diagnosis with a lifelong health issue, and significant strains in our marriage, we felt that we would try a last ditch attempt at going away somewhere to see whether we could enjoy ourselves as a family. So my husband booked two nights at this 5 star family-friendly place, and off we went yesterday.

BIG MISTAKE. DS had been struggling with a nasty cold, and I was wary about going away, but DH insisted. When we arrived, DS became increasingly hyper and distracted-so many new things, light switches, TV remote, picking things up etc etc. Then we took him to have supper. He barely ate anything, threw stuff on the floor, stood up from (useless without proper harness) high chair and knocked over glasses of water - everywhere, and then had a tantrum. We gave up, put him in bath and put him to bed, the whole of which felt like a wrestling match. No other child was behaving like him. Last night, the hotel was full for the bank holiday weekend and my husband and I didn't sleep for hours as it was so noisy. And then DS wakes us up at 615. We were both shattered, trying to keep him amused until the breakfast place opened. By the time we got there, DS was crying and refused to be put down. We managed to get some yoghurt and banana into him, having insisted on high chair with a working harness, but then he started throwing things on the floor, getting cross and crying. I tried to distract him with toys but he just threw them on the floor as well. I started to cry, as felt so embarrassed as everyone was looking at us, and said to DH that I wanted to go home. He said that DS 'had to learn', and that other people manage to go away with their children. This just made me cry even more to the extent I just got up and left and packed our bags. We are now in slow traffic heading home feeling useless.

I do love my son, but I have to say that I feel that having him has ruined my life. I am totally exhausted, as he never sleeps beyond 630am, and I hate the tantrums and all the crap. I work full-time as although I hate my job and am useless at that, the thought of staying at home with him all day makes me want to run for the hills. We are lucky enough to have a saint for a nanny, but she makes me feel even more inadequate as he behaves well for her but is so difficult with us. DH never feeds him, and it is always me who baths him and puts him to bed at night. At weekends it is me who usually does most things for him, changing nappies etc. I have met up with friends in the evening three times since he was born. I barely ever see friends any more and I've been out to a birthday party once. My husband and I have been out about five times since he was born.

I used to be a pretty social, physically fit and energetic person, with nice clothes and felt ok about myself. We went on a couple of simple holidays a year. Now I am always exhausted, look awful with threadbare/filthy clothes, have no time to exercise or make myself look good, feel a total failure at work and as a mother. I absolutely hate this. I worried DS has a disorder on the autistic spectrum as he still has only two words (shoes and hat...he may say Daddy), doesn't respond to his name, and is totally impossible. The thing that really scares me as we are expecting another child (my health conditions meant that I should get on with it as it is more likely I will suffer early menopause). I can't cope with my existing child and cry thinking about doubling the trouble. I don't feel I have anything to look forward to as I am not a good enough mother to be able to go anywhere or on a holiday without crying through the whole ordeal. Life seems so bleak. Has anyone been through this? Any words of wisdom much appreciated.

Hi.
Solidarity fist bump here, have two sons who are 11m and nearly 3. It is bloody hard work and tbh we've just abandoned hotels and any kind of restaurant other than very casual family places. I think ages 1-2 are the hardest in many respects.
Hang in there but be more realistic with your expectations, I don't think your son is unusual.
We've abandoned our summer holiday plans following a frankly stressful trip to centerparcs earlier this year. We went to portugal when eldest was 1 and a bit, never again.
Plan is this year to send boys to one set of grandparents each and for me and husband to spend 48 hours in a posh hotel somewhere and just sleep.

Your dh needs to step up though, pregnancy and running after a toddler is exhausting.
At this point he should be doing way more than 50% of the parenting and enabling you to sleep better as you need it more than he does (that said 6.30 is pretty good for a regular toddler waking time tbh)

My DS is now 3.5. He's been used to eating out as we've always done it. Was always great until the age of 14 months up to around 19months. He didn't want to sit down, would scream in a high chair etc etc.
I stopped talking him out for meals as it just wasn't worth the hassle.
As quickly as it came it went again. I now have a very well behaved boy who loves eating out.

Normal behaviour, but feels crap at the time.

I havnt read the full thread just the op.
I have 2ds's. Ds1 is 8 and NT ds2 is 3 and has autism. Ds1 was a dream obviously ds2 has his own issues but that's fine because it is part of him and I love him with all my heart. So ds1 has problems with eating sees a diatician etc so when we go out we order only what he will eat and if it's still not right we don't worry we just tell him to leave it and provide him with something else after we've left the restaurant.
Ds2 can get stressed out when out and has meltdowns ignore the people looking they do not know the reasons and a lot are not judging. We go on holiday and out to eat regular you've got to develop a thick skin. Now I know not everybody else agrees but we take toys colouring thing sensory things etc. But when none of that is working we break out the tablet with games on and don't stress about what they are eating, if all else fails you can feed them after

What you describe (up at 6.30, doesn't like being confined to one room, needs constant attention and entertaining, is a fussy eater and makes a bit of mess, tantrums when tired/I'll/in a new place) sounds perfectly normal. I hated being pregnant so you have massive sympathy for feeling rough, but I'd gently suggest that being in tears because a 17 month old doesn't 'act nicely' at a 5 star hotel dinner is a bit extreme because of course an ill child after a long journey isn't going to be on the best form. I think you need to do more child friendly things, I miss a lot of the old things I used to do but I chose to have a child and accept that means a few years of sandwiches in the park and dashing in to eat for 40 mins before he wants to run around and taking lots of books etc. You'd be happier if you adjusted your expectations of toddlers behaviour and don't think of his totally normal behaviour as terrible. Keep on top of naps/snacks etc, don't put all of you in a situation where you are going to get stressed and cry, it's not fair on him and not kind to yourself! If you want a 5 star hotel and Spa get DH to look after him and have a night away yourself to relax, but it was never going to be relaxing with a toddler! It can however be fun if you plan a holiday around his needs. Self cater and be relaxed about normal child behaviour, short trips out and lots of running around time for him, not expect him to sit down and 'behave'. Honestly you sound like you are feeling overwhelmed and depressed so try and look after yourself and on weekends enjoy some smaller low key family time. And of course you'll go on holiday before he's 16, he'll be a different child in 2 years!

Really hope you get some sleep. I was utterly exhausted during my second pregnancy as well as very sick and fed up dealing with a toddler who loved to tantrum. My husband had to step up and do much more and that is the most important thing you can do is get DH doing his share. Be easy on yourself - kids are 3 and 5 now and it's a walk in the park in comparison

Oh OP, I can sympathise. My DS was exactly like yours at that age. I remember from the age of about 17 months for what felt like an age, I genuinely didn't have the energy to bring him out at all. A simple trip to the shop was a nightmare. He refused to sit in a buggy from 2, and given that he was very tall and super strong, I was quite literally involved in a sweaty wrestling match to get him into one, only to listen to screaming and kicking for the duration. Same with car seats.

Playgrounds and soft play were good, I would let him run around and scream for as long as it took to tire himself out. Then he'd have a nap and I'd collapse into bed until he woke up. Looking back now, it was really about survival.

I also had the misfortune of having two friends with toddlers the same age who fell into the 'placid' category. Neither of theirs squirmed, threw food, ran away or had epic meltdowns getting into a buggy or car. I effectively stopped meeting them for a while because the tea and cake meet ups just weren't worth the stress with my toddler.

It will pass. DS is 4.5 now and full of energy, loves a good whinge and can be insanely demanding but it's nowhere near as hard as it was when he was a toddler.

Agree with previous replies, self catering all the way, always. Some families can do hotels, they've got the 'placid' kids. We don't! Keep it simple, casual and seek out other toddlers his age. Let him run wild in safe places. Then have yourself a rest.

You are not a failure - you are exhausted and ill, and pregnant too. And toddlers can be little monsters - I have an 18 month old and a 3.5 year old that I struggle with despite being fit and healthy, only working 3 days a week and having loads of support (unusually for Mumsnet, I have amazing in-laws ). My criteria for a successful day is we all made it to the end without serious injury.

Seriously, I do think lowering your standards/expectations helps - and realising that there is nothing unusual about your child, my 3.5 year old just screamed for 30 minutes solid whilst getting ready for nursery (he had the wrong underpants on apparently ).

Things I've learned that might help:
Sticking to a routine as closely as possible, even at weekends/on holiday
Try to avoid over-hungry tantrums (mine and theirs!), offer snacks and have early mealtimes (12 for lunch, 5pm for tea even when we eat out)
Try to avoid over-tired tantrums (this can be tricky as 3.5 year old rarely naps...), by having somewhere for 18 month old to nap after lunch wherever we are (pram with snooze shade when out)
Offer choice/independence - 18 month old screams blue murder if I carry him to the bathroom and wash his hands, but happy if I let him walk there himself and stand up on a little step by the sink, and do it himself.
Use bribery. Postman Pat on the iPad for small one, chocolate buttons for good behaviour for big one.

Enjoy your rest while your mum looks after the wee one.

Buglife has largely articulated what I've been thinking. Your OP is suggestive of depression - particularly the bit where you say you hate your job and are 'useless at that too' or words to that effect. You seem to have a very negative outlook, high expectations of yourself and your child, are hyper-aware of what (you assume) others think of you and him, and are struggling notably much with what is very normal life with a toddler. Another PP was right that you catastrophise. (You're doing pretty well to have been out 5 times in 19 months with your dh, for example. Dh and I go out separately but we have had one 'night out' (early evening cinema showing and dinner) in the eleven years since we became parents! But many lovely family times). I don't want to keyboard-diagnose, but I would hazard that this might be PND/AND (seeing as you are pregnant again) and recommend a trip to the GP.

You seem particularly hung up on the eating issue - they say 'food is for fun until they're one', so barely eating anything until 9/10mo is fine. And I'm sorry, but the 'disgusting mess' continues for a good while yet - at least my 8yo now wipes the table after himself I wonder why food/eating is such a flashpoint for you? Is it about tidiness/cleanliness or nutrition?

Hi OP,
I'm sorry you feel this way. I don't have children so can't fully appreciate the stress but I did think about a few things from your post.

How about take a week off work and be at home with your son and the nanny. You can see what she does that works and he will associate you with her an authority.

For eating, if he doesn't want to eat at times you specify, let him not eat. Just always have food around and offer it to him frequently and also let him see you eating. He'll eat when he is hungry surely.

Good luck.

sounds like you have had a very tough time of things OP. I'm not surprised you sound so exhausted with it all.

I have to be honest, a lot of what you describe sounds pretty normal toddler behaviour to me. We had a week in a posh hotel when my usually very laid back ds1 was just a few months older than your ds and it was a bloody nightmare! It really took me by surprise as we'd always taken him out to eat with no major issues. Eating all meals in public with a toddler is just not ever going to be relaxing.
I think self catering with little dcs is much more flexible - we used to do simple breakfasts, perhaps eat out for lunch and then have a deli picnic for dinner with a nice glass of wine once they were in bed.

Also having had 1 child who was great in restaurants, dc2 was just about manageable. Then dc3 was a complete nightmare and we pretty much gave up eating out with him for a few years. But this too shall pass By the time he was just turned 5 he was out late eating tapas in Barcelona. In the meantime, we ate a lot of sandwiches on Welsh beaches

I think the idea of chatting to his nanny about strategies she uses is a great one. Not only will you get some good ideas to try but it will make things consistent for your little one.

Your dh definitely needs to step up more too. You can't do all of this on your own.

Hope you get some sleep while ds is at your mum's. If you don't feel refreshed and recharged after that then perhaps a chat with your GP might be a good idea?

My DS is 7 and we can just about sit through a family meal now but it has to be family friendly - e.g. Bella Italia, Beefeater, Frankie and Benny's. I would not go anywhere where anyone would be likely to go all cat's bum if he started getting a bit silly

Haven't rtft. But really wanted to post op as I have two children and my feeling is that you sound very very down and anxious ...but your son sounds normal !

It is so tiring having small children and it is frankly a waste of money going on holiday at that age because it's just like a much more exhausting version of normal life.

Everything uou describe is normal - normal but tough ! 630 is a very standard time for small children to wake..you say that as though it's early. Toddlers don't get anything out of 5 star hotels and the while thing sounds like a very unrealistic expectation of a holiday !

I have found life with children much much easier since I started to be realistic. I would never go on a holiday like the one you describe. ..always go self catering so you can have meals when uou want to etc.

A 17 month old is a baby. He can't learn how to behave in a hotel restaurant . You just need to accept life needs to fit around him. Your husband sounds very unhelpful.

Have you had help for your anxiety and depression?

How about practising eating out in easier places. I loathe McDonalds, and we generally do 't feed DS too much rubbish, but going there feels like a treat, so he is more likely to behave than when we take him somewhere totally overwhelming and strange. At about your DSs age, we also started going to Harvester restaurants. Being able to get up and choose food at the salad bar really helped, as did the colouring pack etc.

Oh OP. I hope your feeling better.

If it's any consolation I went on holiday last summer when my youngest was 18 months old and spent the 1st night sobbing "we've come on holiday by mistake" to poor DH.

Holidays with toddlers are generally not much of a holiday, it does get loads more easier once they're 3 or 4.