Feral 17mo. Feel a total failure.

[cobaltblue27]

We have just abandoned a bank holiday weekend which we had planned to spend at a (not cheap!) 'family-friendly' hotel and spa in the country. I am very anxious taking our 17mo DS anywhere, as he is a terrible eater (he barely ate anything until he was 9/10mo and then only under perfect conditions with no distractions, being sung to, taking ages etc and still making disgusting mess). So I never go out to eat with him and our lives have become much smaller, revolving around his routine at home. It is very lonely and boring, but it seems less stressful that way. We attempted one holiday to Sicily when he was 10mo which was a total disaster. Our luggage was lost for 4/7 days, he ate nothing, and then started refusing bottles (later we found out this was because he got a throat infection), and it was a nightmare from start to finish. At the time I resigned myself to never going away until he was a teenager, but having had a terrible few months, with a stint in intensive care, subsequent diagnosis with a lifelong health issue, and significant strains in our marriage, we felt that we would try a last ditch attempt at going away somewhere to see whether we could enjoy ourselves as a family. So my husband booked two nights at this 5 star family-friendly place, and off we went yesterday.

BIG MISTAKE. DS had been struggling with a nasty cold, and I was wary about going away, but DH insisted. When we arrived, DS became increasingly hyper and distracted-so many new things, light switches, TV remote, picking things up etc etc. Then we took him to have supper. He barely ate anything, threw stuff on the floor, stood up from (useless without proper harness) high chair and knocked over glasses of water - everywhere, and then had a tantrum. We gave up, put him in bath and put him to bed, the whole of which felt like a wrestling match. No other child was behaving like him. Last night, the hotel was full for the bank holiday weekend and my husband and I didn't sleep for hours as it was so noisy. And then DS wakes us up at 615. We were both shattered, trying to keep him amused until the breakfast place opened. By the time we got there, DS was crying and refused to be put down. We managed to get some yoghurt and banana into him, having insisted on high chair with a working harness, but then he started throwing things on the floor, getting cross and crying. I tried to distract him with toys but he just threw them on the floor as well. I started to cry, as felt so embarrassed as everyone was looking at us, and said to DH that I wanted to go home. He said that DS 'had to learn', and that other people manage to go away with their children. This just made me cry even more to the extent I just got up and left and packed our bags. We are now in slow traffic heading home feeling useless.

I do love my son, but I have to say that I feel that having him has ruined my life. I am totally exhausted, as he never sleeps beyond 630am, and I hate the tantrums and all the crap. I work full-time as although I hate my job and am useless at that, the thought of staying at home with him all day makes me want to run for the hills. We are lucky enough to have a saint for a nanny, but she makes me feel even more inadequate as he behaves well for her but is so difficult with us. DH never feeds him, and it is always me who baths him and puts him to bed at night. At weekends it is me who usually does most things for him, changing nappies etc. I have met up with friends in the evening three times since he was born. I barely ever see friends any more and I've been out to a birthday party once. My husband and I have been out about five times since he was born.

I used to be a pretty social, physically fit and energetic person, with nice clothes and felt ok about myself. We went on a couple of simple holidays a year. Now I am always exhausted, look awful with threadbare/filthy clothes, have no time to exercise or make myself look good, feel a total failure at work and as a mother. I absolutely hate this. I worried DS has a disorder on the autistic spectrum as he still has only two words (shoes and hat...he may say Daddy), doesn't respond to his name, and is totally impossible. The thing that really scares me as we are expecting another child (my health conditions meant that I should get on with it as it is more likely I will suffer early menopause). I can't cope with my existing child and cry thinking about doubling the trouble. I don't feel I have anything to look forward to as I am not a good enough mother to be able to go anywhere or on a holiday without crying through the whole ordeal. Life seems so bleak. Has anyone been through this? Any words of wisdom much appreciated.

I've been where you are.

We had to abandon an expensive weekend away because my eldest daughter was HORRENDOUS! We drove off in the middle of the night. She screamed the whole way. Her tantrums lasted for HOURS.

It was so bad we contemplated taking her to the doctor. We really were desperate.

But it passed.

My next child was completely different. As was the one after that.

My eldest definitely improved with age and we now know that she has some sensory issues related to her being premature. It's not a big deal, but it has made us a bit more patient with her.

You're like a hamster on a wheel and you can't get off. Of course you're frazzled. You need to make a bit of time for yourself before you implode. Does your husband know how you're feeling? What does he do when you're seeing to the baby?

both of mine sometimes behave worse with us than with the nanny, they expect more from us and have missed us, the routine changes can be hard. its easier to do better parenting as a nanny as that is your job, and you've typically had a good night's sleep and aren't distracted by work/housework/other admin. I'm not sure if you sound as though your dh is v supportive.

I've got an 18 month old and am also pregnant. I know how you feel. Some days feel like one long battle. But as other posters say, this does sound totally normal.

My dc doesn't eat unless he's really hungry. We try and take him out to get used to the situation, but we often have to resign ourselves to the fact that he might not eat, or that the meal will be cut short. That's just how it is.

You're not alone. I think it's really easy to look at other children and project ideas about how well behaved they are etc. some might be brilliant at sitting in a high hair for ages, but a great many aren't.
Ds often gets super hyper, running around like a headless chicken, and then screaming at the top of his lungs if you don't give him what he wants. Sometimes I think 'this can't be normal' but honestly, I think it is. My dp told me that toddlers, and teenagers apparently, have so much stuff, and chemicals going on with their brains that they can actually be classified as mad!

Hth

No real advice but I do feel for you so much. We had a nanny share, she was a real guru for me. We just stopped eating out or going to hotels, it was self catering and camping (but check websites carefully, suitable for families doesn't necessarily mean suitable for kamikaze toddlers). However, where you go on holiday is much less important than how very low and depressed you sound. Is your mum or MIL any help, can you get signed off from work and go and stay for a bit? It does sound as if your dh is completely lost and not playing his part but I think your needs are too urgent to wait for him to cotton on?

The word ferral resonated with me OP, with DD at a similar age I actually wondered if it was possible to have a ferral child.
We abandonded holidays for quite a while and worked very hard on acceptable behaviours.
DD does have some sensory issues which we support with special coloured lens for reading and a daylight lamp to regulate her sleep pattern but she has sailed through her teenage years, open, polite, calm, great diet etc. At 17 she is choosing her degree course and really on track compared to some of those "perfect" children we used to be compared to.
Hang in there.

Oh that sounds tough.

I came across this ten minutes before reading your piece: well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/03/14/some-babies-are-just-easier-than-others/ It might be some consolation.

If you have ASD concerns then googling MCHAT can be a good idea.

Just dropped by for a quick hand hold. My once feral 2 year old is now a marginally more civilised 9 year old. It helped for us to keep her on a very consistent schedule ( still does!) We only went to restaurants that were truly family friendly, where we knew we would not be subject to any side eye glances if she acted out. I know it is exhausting and makes you feel totally isolated. I hope you can get support here and from RL friends and family..

pico your right after reading it back maybe I was a bit harsh and probably could've worded it better I think the "having a baby ruined my life " and labelling the child as feral riled me a bit it's such a strong statement to make. No doubt we've all said or at least felt similar when things are tough and getting on top of us.

This really sounds normal. Some toddlers are just harder work than others. honestly.

First of all your dh saying your son "needs to learn" well yes he needs to learn but not away in a hotel in a strange place with so many distractions.

When my eldest was that age, if we ate out this is what we did. We went to a local place where they knew us. then one of us went in and ordered the food. the other one went to the playground with the toddler and let him play. then returned in time for the food. We all ate and then if we weren't finished we produced a couple of toys for the toddler. That worked well enough but it certainly wasn't us going out to eat, sitting him down through all of the ordering/waiting stage.

If your nanny manages him and doesn't have any concerns then really don't worry about spectrums or whatever. Why now spend a day with your nanny and watch her routine etc. My guess is your child really needs a strong routine even at the weekend.

I feel your pain about the 6.30 waking but again, this is fairly standard at that age. none of mine slept beyond 6.30. you could maybe get them into bed with you for a half hour but that was it. You just have to adapt to the early rising and go to bed earlier. Maybe take turns with your dh as to which one of you gets up on Sat/Sun.

You have to kind of forget the way life used to be and try to figure out the nicest life you can have at this stage of life. So you can't nip off to the gym easily but maybe you could take a long walk every sat/sun with him and your dh. Making friends with other families with children of similar ages and doing child-friendly things at weekends with them saved us.

I also wouldn't try too hard to go away with your child right now. Maybe save the money and ask the nanny to babysit for a weekend and go away with your dh alone. you'd get more benefit from that.

And finally, you can't be doing everything - bedtimes/feeding etc. your dh needs to do his share.

Good luck. this is a hard stage especially when you are pregnant but it can be lovely too-you just have to adapt your expectations of how things will go a bit. really and truly your ds sounds like a lovely 17 month old who just loves his routines.

Thanks everyone for some (mostly) incredibly kind and supportive replies.

I am having another child because I feel if I am able that it will be kinder to DS not to be an only child. I am having one now, which is sooner than I would choose (although who really does get to choose when to have their children to their preferred schedule? No one I know!), because I am likely to have problems if I wait longer given existing health issues. And also, before things went very wrong (suffered very severe depression causing three months out of work last year, then ended up in intensive care due to autoimmune disease attacking several key areas unknown to me-which was likely in play during the depression-this happened before my son was one) I was enjoying being a mother. For those who were perhaps less than sympathetic, please take into account that I have had a few other issues to deal with. It has been a really tough year. It started going wrong when we moved to a semi-finished house when DS was three months old. There is another thread on here about some lady (who sounds absolutely lovely) not wanting to have anyone round as she feels so embarrassed about the state of her home and I'm the same. It seems so obvious that I'm not coping. When I woke up from an induced coma and came home from
hospital last year none of this stuff seemed to matter-I was simply grateful to be alive. But now I'm so ground down with worry and feeling inadequate I am finding it hard to enjoy life. I can't help mourning for how easy life was pre-children, pre-house move, pre-illness.

We're changing our route on the way back to go via my mum's for the night. She is amazing and we are lucky (MIL and I do not get on). Not sure what is going on with my husband. He is supportive, and will play with DS, but really doesn't give me much support readily with the grunt work. We do exactly the same job...

Anyway, my mum says she will look after DS for a few nights (she has been offering for ages, I just feel guilty for not spending time with DS when am at work so feel I should spend all my time 'off' with him). I think I may just sleep for 48 hours and then see what the world looks like then.

There is no way I'd take a toddler to a smart restaurant or not have breakfast in the room to give them when they wake. Your son sounds pretty normal to me - it's just a tough age!

I don't enjoy 12-36 months much at all. I like portable Babies and I adore 3+ yesr olds but toddlers are such hard work!

It sounds tough i was probably 1 of the harsher responses but he does sound like an ordinary little toddler i just think stuff has got on top of you could you be depressed again ? Enjoy your break it really is ok for granny to have him for a day or so

Having just read what you've been through I'm not surprised you've been feeling stressed / at end of tether....?PTSD strikes a chord!....have you asked for some counselling?... Being in a coma/ life threatening illness is incredibly tough for you and now you're pregnant , you haven't had much time to adjust to 'normality'....make sure your family know how tough this is for you and get them to pull their weight
Make sure you get enough rest

It sounds completely normal to me. Self catering is your friend. Hotels don't work with children who need no distractions.

6.30 is a late waker at 17minths; not an early riser!

OH my Lord, Cobalt! You have been through some trauma :(. Recovering from illness and coma must be a slow process. Please be very gentle with yourself. Your dh really must step up to assist you.

Yes - mine woke at 5 for over a year. It was awful. They both wake at 6.30 now and speaking to friends I realise I am very fortunate with that

Sorry - reading that back it sounds unsympathetic. I'm in fact extremely sympathetic - it's completely exhausting and relentless. But normal.

God you have been through some shit. Thank goodness for mums. 48 hours of sleep sounds like a plan. Maybe your dh could then start to contemplate what it really takes to parent a young child. He should try to get his head round this before number 2 arrives as the classic pattern would be for him to take the older one more often while you wrangle the baby.
Tbh my son didn't reliably sleep past 5.30 until he was in year 1 so I'm afraid that bit doesn't shock me.

We enjoy staying in a static caravan when we go away. Enough room for a travel cot in the second bedroom, living room to give you space when LO sleeping, and entertainment for them on site (swimming pool, soft play etc). Full of kids as its targeted at parents so no need to feel bad if they act up.

It is hard isn't it? But the answer is to revamp your expectations. You feel he has "ruined your life" because you are struggling to have the life you had before. Perhaps you need to rethink this and recognise that you have a new and different life, and that the old life will not start to return till your children are a good deal older. One way of not feeling disappointed at it all is to change your outlook. Your son is absolutely behaving normally - he is too young to be bombarded with lots of new experiences and then behave well, especially when he senses his parents' tension. Eating in public places with toddlers is hell - end of! Just don't even contemplate it! You are hoping that he will fit in with your lives and expectations - he won't, quite simply because he can't.

He appears to behave well for the nanny because she is able to give him her undivided attention, and because she has no expectations of him that he has to live up to. You have a busy life with lots of competing priorities.

You don't like your job, you don't like being at home with your son and you have ill health - and you are pregnant! - so there are no "positive strokes" for you. That is hard and I feel for you. You need to look at your job and your other roles and work out how they can work better for all of you.

Maybe you need to sit down with OH and think all this through. Your son will pick up your tension and behave even worse I am afraid; so it is a vicious circle.

I have to tell you that it will get better - the toddler years are a huge challenge and the only way to deal with it is to give yourself over to your son's way of being when you are with him, and not fight to get him to be older and more capable than he is. Help him to gradually move towards more acceptable behaviour by gently guiding him, but expecting more of him than he is able to achieve is a recipe for a battleground!

Remind yourself that 18 short months ago he was a foetus in your womb - he has had no time at all to adapt to the world outside and he will not acquire any social niceties for a very long time yet. It is remarkable what they do learn in that short time - so turn it round in your mind and imagine yourself as him - small and faced by new experiences and expectations every day - how can he cope? Does he yet have the mental equipment to deal with all this, or does he need you and your OH to shelter him from too many demands and help him make his way bit by bit? If you try and get inside his head and recognise how small he is and how baffling it all is, you will find it easier.

Your OH's idea that he 'had to learn' is right on one level - he does have to learn, but only what he is capable of at each stage of his development. And helping him to learn has to be in terms that he can understand.

One of my rules was to try never to say No. I know that sounds crazy, but if children hear that word endlessly it comes to have no meaning; it is just something that Mum keeps saying - probably louder and louder! If a child is putting something dangerous in their mouth then it is possible to say no-o-o very gently and quietly whilst removing it. If he is holding something he shouldn't, you can gently remove it while distracting him with something else. He needs to explore his world and he needs as much freedom as possible - e.g. all cupboards and drawers at his level need to contain things he cannot hurt himself with but could potential play with - pans, spoons, egg cups, milk cartons etc. That way you can relax because you know you will not need to say no. It is all exciting stuff to him and messing with your laundry for instance is not being naughty - he is just exploring.

He will turn your life upside down! - please do not see it as ruin! It is simply what parenthood is all about.

Don't despair - you will pick up all the tricks along the way; and you will find your second babe an easier ride, because you know what to expect and your home is already geared to a little one.

how is your husband supportive if all he does is plays with his kid? You do exactly the same job and he's happy to let you do 90% of the kid stuff? How the hell is that supportive?

we both work at least ft hours week in week out and we try and go away together for a weekend at least a couple of times a year, we found we both need the break. Also, it is obvious you dh is not pulling his weight, I do understand the guilt of the ft working mum (I travel as well but I really can't do it all and stay well, you have to abandon the guilt and have time off on your own too.

I never said no when mine were little well I did obviously or they would have got into some states but I tried to distract rather than say no stop that sit still etc it did make the nutty times more bearable PPS are right your expectations are to high you have to give yourself and your baby a break

Normal, OP

12-18 months were the least reasonable for DS.

Hotels and toddlers don't mix. Ditto weddings, fyi (just had a not great experience with DS 3.5 at one).

Your expectations of his eating are too high. Toddlers make mess, they are also inconsistent in terms of how/what they eat. They barely ever sit still.

Things will get easier, I promise

Seriously OP kids at this age can be hard fucking work. And being pregnant just adds to it.

Life with a baby and a toddler is far easier than pregnant with a toddler.

If he behaves for his Nanny, then he knows how to behave. Could you maybe ask her for tips or ways she handles him when he refuses to eat etc. After all, she knows him best aftrr you two.