Feral 17mo. Feel a total failure.

[cobaltblue27]

We have just abandoned a bank holiday weekend which we had planned to spend at a (not cheap!) 'family-friendly' hotel and spa in the country. I am very anxious taking our 17mo DS anywhere, as he is a terrible eater (he barely ate anything until he was 9/10mo and then only under perfect conditions with no distractions, being sung to, taking ages etc and still making disgusting mess). So I never go out to eat with him and our lives have become much smaller, revolving around his routine at home. It is very lonely and boring, but it seems less stressful that way. We attempted one holiday to Sicily when he was 10mo which was a total disaster. Our luggage was lost for 4/7 days, he ate nothing, and then started refusing bottles (later we found out this was because he got a throat infection), and it was a nightmare from start to finish. At the time I resigned myself to never going away until he was a teenager, but having had a terrible few months, with a stint in intensive care, subsequent diagnosis with a lifelong health issue, and significant strains in our marriage, we felt that we would try a last ditch attempt at going away somewhere to see whether we could enjoy ourselves as a family. So my husband booked two nights at this 5 star family-friendly place, and off we went yesterday.

BIG MISTAKE. DS had been struggling with a nasty cold, and I was wary about going away, but DH insisted. When we arrived, DS became increasingly hyper and distracted-so many new things, light switches, TV remote, picking things up etc etc. Then we took him to have supper. He barely ate anything, threw stuff on the floor, stood up from (useless without proper harness) high chair and knocked over glasses of water - everywhere, and then had a tantrum. We gave up, put him in bath and put him to bed, the whole of which felt like a wrestling match. No other child was behaving like him. Last night, the hotel was full for the bank holiday weekend and my husband and I didn't sleep for hours as it was so noisy. And then DS wakes us up at 615. We were both shattered, trying to keep him amused until the breakfast place opened. By the time we got there, DS was crying and refused to be put down. We managed to get some yoghurt and banana into him, having insisted on high chair with a working harness, but then he started throwing things on the floor, getting cross and crying. I tried to distract him with toys but he just threw them on the floor as well. I started to cry, as felt so embarrassed as everyone was looking at us, and said to DH that I wanted to go home. He said that DS 'had to learn', and that other people manage to go away with their children. This just made me cry even more to the extent I just got up and left and packed our bags. We are now in slow traffic heading home feeling useless.

I do love my son, but I have to say that I feel that having him has ruined my life. I am totally exhausted, as he never sleeps beyond 630am, and I hate the tantrums and all the crap. I work full-time as although I hate my job and am useless at that, the thought of staying at home with him all day makes me want to run for the hills. We are lucky enough to have a saint for a nanny, but she makes me feel even more inadequate as he behaves well for her but is so difficult with us. DH never feeds him, and it is always me who baths him and puts him to bed at night. At weekends it is me who usually does most things for him, changing nappies etc. I have met up with friends in the evening three times since he was born. I barely ever see friends any more and I've been out to a birthday party once. My husband and I have been out about five times since he was born.

I used to be a pretty social, physically fit and energetic person, with nice clothes and felt ok about myself. We went on a couple of simple holidays a year. Now I am always exhausted, look awful with threadbare/filthy clothes, have no time to exercise or make myself look good, feel a total failure at work and as a mother. I absolutely hate this. I worried DS has a disorder on the autistic spectrum as he still has only two words (shoes and hat...he may say Daddy), doesn't respond to his name, and is totally impossible. The thing that really scares me as we are expecting another child (my health conditions meant that I should get on with it as it is more likely I will suffer early menopause). I can't cope with my existing child and cry thinking about doubling the trouble. I don't feel I have anything to look forward to as I am not a good enough mother to be able to go anywhere or on a holiday without crying through the whole ordeal. Life seems so bleak. Has anyone been through this? Any words of wisdom much appreciated.

I remember with dd1 at 18 months taking her to a beautiful parador and cringing as she left an absolute trail of destruction in her wake in a fancy restaurant - we took to eating cold tortilla in the room for the last half the trip as we got so embarrassed with the very kind Spanish waiters telling us it was fine when we left an enormous mess every night.

You have my heartfelt sympathy OP and I hope you enjoy your time away from DS. Everybody needs downtime and so AR it doesn't sound like you've had any.

Your DH isn't pulling his weight here. Your life will be immeasurably easier if he starts acting like a father, rather than a favourite uncle. You both work full time, he knows how hard your job is cos he does it. So how come he gets all the evenings off? Put a stop to that right now my girl!

Raising children isn't a woman's job. It's a parent's job.

Your DH needs to step up and start parenting more. How can he leave you to do 90% of it when you are pregnant and you both do the same job? that is shocking.

I was pregnant with a very hard work toddler, I sympathise greatly. It will get better. My feral toddler is now an extremely well behaved nine year old.

ha, I wasn't actually pregnant with a toddler although it felt like it at times

OP it is not your parenting and all children are different. I think you probably need to lower your expectations of yourself and remember he is still very little. Give him a couple of years and he will be lovely.

It really sounds like you need a rest though. As others have said, at least once a week he should take him for a couple of hours.

Hi op you sound like you have been through hell this year and its no wonder you are struggling.

I wonder if your ds maybe has some sensory issues, it rings bells with me as my dd is similar and we eventually got a diagnosis of sensory processing difficulties when she was 8yo. His issues with food, needing routine and the massive melt downs when too much is going on all sound like sensory over load. The book 'the out of synch child' is helpful.

Be kind to yourself being a parent is bloody hard work

OP my first child is really easy and we could take her anywhere and she would sit quietly and look at books etc. so it was a real shock when second was total nightmare and life became v limited for a while! They are all different and I really hope your second baby is easier by nature. You will probably find that is the case. In the meantime sounds like you really need some TLC, rest and some fun. I hope you can put some things in place to enable this. I can also really relate to your working situation as also don't like my job that much but the thought of having my toddler all day sends shivers down my spine! Honestly life will get easier, it's a really hard spell now and very easy to get in a tunnel and be down on yourself. Might also be worth going to something like pregnancy yoga - or something else you would find relaxing and carve out some you time on an evening. Take care.

Sounds like you've had a really tough time and could do with more support

I would agree with other posters about looking at self catering options if you do want to try a holiday again. We have a 19 month old who is relatively easy going but I wouldn't be keen on staying in a hotel however 'family friendly'. Center Parcs mid week in school term time is reasonably quiet. You can make little trips out to do things and return to your lodge for all the meals. Each lodge is pretty secluded with peaceful surroundings. They have a take away on site and ready meals if you want to take off some of the strain. We have also stayed in a holiday cottage and had a nice chilled time. Just keep trips out short and manageable.

Hope things get better for you.

What you're describing sounds quite normal to be quite honest.
Use gadgets, give him whatever he wants to eat even if it's chips, do what you have to do to give yourself a quiet life.
Waking at 6.30 isn't all that early, just go to bed earlier yourself.
You do sound stressed and hormonal, or a little depressed.
Could you get a break, a night away on your own, reset yourself a bit? That was my life saver when I'd 2 small children, a night or weekend away with the girls twice a year.

Echoing all the others-hotels are very tricky with small toddlers. Ds is on the average tantrum spectrum (has had his moments but nothing extreme) but we had some absolutely hellish meals out, parties etc. Now he's 4 life is completely different. He can have strops but is generally quick to recover and restaurants are now happier places!

Detached self catering is the way forward for toddlers, prefarably with GPs to ease the supervision load

for you op, you sound very stressed.

Most toddlers are feral (mine certainly were!!) and I honestly think you need to lower your expectations of his behaviour. We didn't eat in restaurants between the ages of 12 months and 2.5 apart from the occasional pizza express. We certainly didn't stay in hotels (apart from one disastrous weekend for a wedding.)

Please try and be kind to yourself. It will get better.

We've accepted that holidays for now are going to be self catering, in cottage/lodge, with an absolute maximum of 3 hours drive until the DC are older. Centre parks is great - lots of child friendly stuff to do, we still work around a routine for DS2 (or he gets more tantrummy and frankly wicked), so we go out for the morning, head back after lunch so he can nap, then out again until tea, or bedtime if we decide to brave having tea out. Places like that mean we have options to eat in our accommodation if he's being somewhat trying, we can go out to eat if he's having a better day. We certainly don't have long, leisurely meals out anymore. Places with soft play are great because they can go nuts in there until the food is ready, which saves trying to keep them quiet at the table and usually avoids tantrums.

Don't be too hard on yourself, OP. Toddlers are bloody hard work at the best of time and you have been through a lot recently. As others have advised, definitely try self catering for your next holiday and have a word with your husband as he needs to help you a bit more. Accept your mums offer of help and get a couple of nights decent sleep, things always seem brighter when you're well rested, and going forward you must remember to put your own oxygen mask on first as self care is so important when you're a parent.

This sounds so much like my ds1 who is now 20months old with a 3 month old brother.

He had been such hard work since birth, only slept through at 15 months old, tantrums all the time, etc.

He's at his absolute worst when he's teething/hungry/tired.

His brother couldn't be much more different, I've actually enjoyed being a mother to a baby this time.

Since ds1 has improved on his communication skills things have got a bit better, he still tantrums A LOT and I hardly go out with him because of the amount of hard work it is but I can see it's getting better.

It will get better for you, and you're not alone. You have my sympathy

I second what someone else said - having a baby and a toddler is so much easier than being pregnant with a toddler.

I think you need to sit down with your husband and plan out what he realistically can do to give you time off from your son. Maybe you get a lie in on a sat and him on a sun? And you alternate who puts your son to bed? Maybe if one puts him to bed then the other feeds him at dinner?

When we go on holiday our rules go out the window and within reason, the kids get whatever they want, whenever they want it.

You're definitely doing the right thing putting your son to your mum's! Enjoy cuddles and sleep with your DH.

I don't think your problem is your DS, it's that you're totally shattered.

Your DS sounds very similar to mine, who is 16 months old. We eat out fairly regularly, but I just accept that a lot of the food will be thrown on the floor and I take a lot of baby wipes for the clean up operation afterwards. He usually ends up on my lap towards the end of the meal when he gets a bit fed up, and then he turns into a demon when he's not allowed to crawl around on the floor so we leave. It can be a pain but I try to be relaxed about things like this, even when other families are there with their perfectly behaved children.

I am pregnant too so I know how hard it is. Again, like yours, my DS is an early riser so on my days off I sleep during his nap, and have let my housework standards slip a bit in the meantime.

My DS doesn't have any recognisable words yet, but as he seems to understand quite a lot I'm not worried.

It seems like all of the difficult things you've been through recently and the pregnancy have run you down, and as a result you're feeling really stressed. It is a challenging age but it won't last forever and we have to adjust our feelings about food on the floor and grabbing at everything to cope I think.

I hope you get some good sleep and that things seems better soon.

He sounds pretty normal to be honest! My eldest is only 2 and a half, but being a being distracted by everything and anything/being hard work/etc all sounds very familiar. Everyone's toddlers are feral, you only really notice your own though.

As a lot of other people have said, stick to self catering. Way easier! That way you can feed them brekkie and dinner, and perhaps brave lunch out.

You do have to go out to cafes etc so they know how to behave, coffee is a good option to start.

Best of luck! Honestly, your son sounds normal to me. And at 17minths my eldest daughter was practically mute - Mummy, Daddy, and her baby sister's name was her limit. She started talking at 2.

He sounds totally normal to me too. The problem is you have unrealistic expectations. Agree with others what do you expect going to a 5 star hotel for a holiday? Family can mean much older children. I would say DD1 can't sit down for a meal until nearly 3. She started eating better nearer 5 and that was after we insisted she tried everything on her plate for a decent mouthful.

You DH needs to step up and be a real father.

Going on holiday always makes things feel worse if it doesn't go well,, as you are feeling like you are meant to be having a good time. Just bait to return from a frankly hideous weekend with dD, which I am used to but it seemed so much worse on holiday as we had been looking forward to it a lot.

About to, that should say

(DD is stuck in toddler hood at 9.5 so have a lot of experience with this)

Not rtft mainly the op posts and a few replies. (One of which I agree was deeply unhelpful ).

As an ex nanny and cm and mother to quite possibly the most awkward toddler in the world! I suspect you're expecting too much from both yourself and your child ... And not enough from dh!!

He absolutely should be pulling his finger out and doing more ESPECIALLY as you're about to have 2 under 3!

My dd was a nightmare eater, at one point despite having been weaned onto a great variety of foods she spent 2 months refusing to eat anything that wasn't yogurt, wotsits or toast! I was tearing my hair out (especially as I thought I'd be able to handle anything having been a child carer for 15 yrs to other people's kids before I had her!) luckily I had an excellent health visitor who rightly surmised it was a phase, not to make a big deal, give her some vitamins and fruit juice when she would take it 'I bet in 6 months you'll be wondering why you were worried' she was right, 3 months later she'd eat everything including sneaking food off our plates even very spicy curry!

Also it's a cliche but tends to be true, boys tend to speak later but then catch up quickly, I honestly wouldn't worry about that either, just make sure you, dh and nanny are all using one syllable words as much as poss and he'll soon copy (then you'll want him to shut up!)

Great to let your mum let you catch up on sleep, brains and hearts work better when rested my granny used to say, it's true. People are calmer and think better when rested.

Take help that's offered, don't feel guilty for being a wohm (every family works differently)

I think your expectations are unrealistic. 6.30 is a normal time for a toddler to wake up. Yoghurt and banana is a normal breakfast for a toddler. They do make mess. You had a hard time on holiday because he was ill. That's understandable.
If you have a nanny and work full time, you don't actually spend all that much time with him. Maybe once you're on mat leave you'll get to hang out more doing fun things together.
Your description of your weekend doesn't make him sound particularly difficult to be honest. I would find your reactions much harder to deal with.
I really think you need to adjust your expectations of small children before the second one arrives.

Re ASD.. Noone can tell from written word. All toddlers have ASD like issues to a degree but it's the extent which matters.

Look up the M Chat test and if that shows an issue then don't hesitate to ask for an assessment.