ds doesn't want to play with his autistic cousin anymore

[kiki22]

DS is 4 and has become his cousins only friend due to his laid back nature he's the only child that his cousin can play with without tears and tantrums. The cousin is 5 and is on the spectrum he doesn't share and often hits or decides other children can no longer play so his mum finds I hard to find children who are understanding if this which ds has been so far.

DS is due to go over tomorrow but has just said he doesn't want to go anymore, his reasons for this are that he's not allows to pet his cousins dog or speak to him because its not his dog (cousins rule not parents), he is only allowed to touch some of the toys in the play room and his cousin sends him out of play play room if he doesn't do as hes told so he has to take a toy to the kitchen to play alone while cousins mum talks cousin down. He says its just not fun, ive told him that his cousin has autism and that's why hes not good at sharing and gets moody, his words were I know but it's not fair to be mean to me

I don't really know what to do, I think ds has been as understanding as a 4 year old can be I don't know if its fair to send him somewhere he's unhappy to make someone else happy. I don't really have much experience with autism the only other person I know with an autistic has 2 children so her son is more used to sharing etc I'm really at a loss at what is normal and how much I should expect from ds. I want him to be understanding and sensitive to his cousins needs but not to be unhappy.

Well done, Op, it sounds as though you handled that well.

It is often said to parents of children with SN (I am one) that we are our children's best, and only, advocate. I think this is true of any parent (child with SN or NT), it just doesn't need saying usually. But it is true nonetheless, and particularly relevant in this case.

Your Ds has said he has a problem with something that is happening. It is your job, as a parent, to negotiate the best way through that.

Just dropping the play dates, and no longer seeing his cousin, is not the only option. There are many strategies and ways to pick through it all.

Most of all, it is a timely reminder that 4 and 5 year olds (again, whether NT or with SN) need help regulating their play, and also need help in tackling wider issues. There really is a middle way through this, well done on taking the first steps towards that.

Thanks everyone. She's got back to me she's feeling a bit bad that she hadn't noticed ds was upset however ive assured her that's not her fault he's not the type to let it show. We are going to meet out for a while and hopefully ds will start to enjoy it again.

That sounds great. If nothing else you've opened up a level of dialogue which should make these situations easier to deal with in the future.

What soapbox queen said. I find it offensive that people would think it sad that my son has the personality that he does. But then autism is such a wide spectrum - if my son was more severely autistic maybe I would be sad.

I don't allow him to misbehave by the way - that's not the point I was arguing.

Glad things worked out OP.

Maybe it's not that people are sad that some children have autism, but that they are sad because that may well cause them extra problems and struggles as they go through life?

Yes ..as they are socially ostracised

My ds1 is sad he has asd, his asd prevents him having the things he desperately wants like friends and qualifications, his siblings have friends and pass exams with very little effort. I am very sad he has these problems, if I spent any time thinking about how sad i am for him i would go to pieces and sometimes I do. If he didn't want them then i wouldnt care at all.That doesn't negate the great stuff or the fact that ds1 is a brilliant boy.

Sorry to derail op.

I think it's normal to feel sad about anything your child is struggling with parents want their child to be happy and carefree it's only natural to want an easy life for them.

Well my ds doesn't struggle - not at the moment anyhow. Not everyone does. And lots of nt people struggle too with many things. Don't lump everyone together it is a vary varied thing.

Having children and being a thoughtful person at the same time is a learning curve. It's easy to get into a mindset where you feel so protective of your child that you can't see the wood for the trees.

When my DD was 4 or 5, a girl in her class poked her in the face with a fork...hard enough to leave a nasty bruise. It could have been her eye and I was beside myself with worry. I knew the child was Autistic...but as DD was my PFB I thought "Well that's not MY problem!" and went in to see the head teacher.

I was angry and told the head that I was. She was very nice and said that they'd arranged from now on that the little girl should have a one to one at lunchtimes as they were an issue for her...she was getting very overwhelmed and lashing out.

She also told me that part of learning, was to learn that everyone has different needs and to have understanding of those...

Later that week, the child who'd stabbed DD's Mum asked me if DD could come to play at her house.

I was very, very unsure about this.

Mumsnet told me many reasons why I should let DD go and so I did.

That was about 8 years ago and though we've since moved, DD is still in touch with that child and they'll probably have a lifelong friendship.

After that first playdate, they grew to be great friends...even when they both changed school in year 3, they continued to meet up with our help...joined the same Brownies...and I"m so glad I didn't close down because the child had had a bad day.

Mumsnet helped me get over that issue and thank God.

titsywoo I'm glad your son doesn't struggle with it its awful when any child struggles with anything my little niece is very bright but dyslexic she struggles with school because she knows the answers but cant get them out, it does make me sad to see her upset and frustrated at who she is because to me she is perfect.