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Original poster

ds doesn't want to play with his autistic cousin anymore

86 replies

kiki22 · 12/04/2016 09:47

DS is 4 and has become his cousins only friend due to his laid back nature he's the only child that his cousin can play with without tears and tantrums. The cousin is 5 and is on the spectrum he doesn't share and often hits or decides other children can no longer play so his mum finds I hard to find children who are understanding if this which ds has been so far.

DS is due to go over tomorrow but has just said he doesn't want to go anymore, his reasons for this are that he's not allows to pet his cousins dog or speak to him because its not his dog (cousins rule not parents), he is only allowed to touch some of the toys in the play room and his cousin sends him out of play play room if he doesn't do as hes told so he has to take a toy to the kitchen to play alone while cousins mum talks cousin down. He says its just not fun, ive told him that his cousin has autism and that's why hes not good at sharing and gets moody, his words were I know but it's not fair to be mean to me Sad

I don't really know what to do, I think ds has been as understanding as a 4 year old can be I don't know if its fair to send him somewhere he's unhappy to make someone else happy. I don't really have much experience with autism the only other person I know with an autistic has 2 children so her son is more used to sharing etc I'm really at a loss at what is normal and how much I should expect from ds. I want him to be understanding and sensitive to his cousins needs but not to be unhappy.

OP posts:
MattDillonsPants · 12/04/2016 11:47

Umbongo you sound ridiculous in this day and age. Like a dinosaur with no idea how to live as a community where everyone supports one another.

Some children need more patience and more help than others. We don't simply leave them out.

Penguinepenguins · 12/04/2016 11:49

Very wise words walter agree it's horrible to see, I get the frustration but I don't think it is right to go after someone who is saying I don't want my child hit or bitten... Because let's face it NONE of us want our children to be hurt.

Umbongo - don't think your BU at all I think you have been treated very unfairly.

soapboxqueen · 12/04/2016 11:53

Walter I agree there are many facets to these discussions. However, I would point out that many parents of sn children are also the parents of children without sn. Children with sn will mix with other children who have sn that are more/less extreme or different to their own. Children without sn are just as capable of some of the behaviors people find difficult about sn children. Some parents make excuses irrespective of sn or not.

I don't think it's really a sn vs non-sn. It's that some situations are difficult to deal with by some people and some situations are difficult for everyone. I think all that is needed is compassion and a willingness to try to find a way forward (whatever form' forward' might take) without judgement.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

4 year olds Families General parenting
ouryve · 12/04/2016 11:56

She wants DS all afternoon and you're not invited?

You need to tell her that DS doesn't feel happy about going, you're not going to treat it as a summons and, for it to be fair on your DS, he needs you with him. He's not there for her to use, as and when, which is what it sounds a bit like.

Titsywoo · 12/04/2016 12:02

"It's sad that kids have autism"

What a shitty thing to say. I'm not sad my DS is autistic thank you.

OP I feel for you - my friends DD struggles to play with my DS now because he is obsessed with certain things that she finds boring.

However if there is a way of keeping the friendship going it would be good for your friends child. Maybe supervised playing so you can control the situation better?

FauxFox · 12/04/2016 12:02

Just be honest. Explain DS is finding it hard coping with his cousin and invite her and her son to your house for a playdate of approx 1.5hours. Have an activity they can do side by side (simple craft/playdoh etc), a snack he likes and an episode of a TV prog they both like.

If the mum wants to maintain the friendship she will say yes. The child may find it hard at first but short, structured and supported playdates off home turf so he doesn't have to 'defend' his dog/toys etc may ultimately be less stressful for him.

DS has ASD and this would work for me.

Nobody's child deserves to be hurt or frightened by another child whatever their disability. Talking about disabilities to give them understanding that it isn't purposeful/spiteful and giving the child with SEN the support they need to interact with peers safely is what is needed.

UmbongoUnchained · 12/04/2016 12:07

Think what you want about me. I'm totally understanding of autism.
I just try to keep my toddler safe. There's nothing wrong with that.

Waltermittythesequel · 12/04/2016 12:08

But, OP, there's no point in you deciding you must be there unless you first have an honest conversation with the mum and get on the same page, and be willing to step in when it's needed.

I'm sure she will appreciate your honesty and your desire to make it work for both of the dc.

gamerchick · 12/04/2016 12:11

bongo is the mother that's the issue with you not the kid. Direct your venom where it's supposed to go, it's oozing out of your posts.

It sounds as if it's the mother that's the issue as well OP. She should be on the case I make sure your bairn is happy and comfortable, he's not a toy for her child to play with then put back in the cupboard. I would sack off the visits for the minute if you can't talk to her.

MiaowTheCat · 12/04/2016 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNewStatesman · 12/04/2016 12:28

I don't understand. The OP is expected to bring her child round, but she is herself is "not really invited"? That's just odd. The kid is four, and this is family. Why is the cousin's family hinting that she is not allowed to stay?

I think you need to have a talk with the parents and make it clear that you need to be around as well.

We all have to learn how to do things we don't want to in life (write thank you notes etc....) so I think it's OK to make it clear to your son that he has to try and be patient for at least a little while. But he is four---keep the visits short and sweet if he is not enjoying them and they are a "duty" thing. Your idea of meeting with the family on another territory for an hour or so (rather than spending the whole afternoon at their house) sounds like a good one. If they don't like it, you may have to be a bit firm (nicely). Good luck!

Penguinepenguins · 12/04/2016 12:28

THIS

Here we go... the usual suspects have descended so the hysteria and accusations of disablism will start and the thread will be pulled.

Personally rather than watching people jump on a parent who doesn't want their kid hurt, I would like to read constructive views and advise on how the OP might deal with it so should my children be in this situation I can understand a bit more.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/04/2016 12:30

If I have understood UmBongo correctly, her child does play with the child who has autism, but she has decided not to invite the child to her child's party. Yes, her problem is the way the child's mother deals with her child's behaviour, but I don't think it is unreasonable of her to want her own child to enjoy her birthday party without being bitten. I suspect that, if she felt that the other child's parent would step in if her child bit UmBongo's child, she might feel differently about the party - but regardless of that, her child shouldn't have to be bitten and made to feel sad at her own party, surely?

In kiki's situation, I think, as other wiser MNers than me have suggested, the best thing might be to explain to the other lad's mum how her son is feeling, in a calm way, and to suggest meeting somewhere neutral, with both kiki and the other mum there too. I think that the relationship between the two boys has broken down, at the moment, and will take effort to rebuild - effort from both sides.

Kiki is entirely reasonable to want her son to be happy - and it seems clear to me that he has been very kind and sensitive (traits I am sure he has learned from kiki). I get the impression that she does want to rebuild the relationship between the two boys, that she does care about the other lad - but she has every right to balance his need for friendship and socialisation with her own son's happiness.

It is a difficult line to tread, and I think she is doing her level best to tread it sensitively and in a caring manner towards all concerned.

Fedupoftheheat · 12/04/2016 12:33

My Ds is 3.5 and his best friend is 4 and is autistic. I don't let him go to his house for play dates in his own because he is too young, not because his friend is autistic.
You need to speak to his mum. Your son may feel a lot happier if you are there, and knows that he can come to you if things start getting out of hand.

GraysAnalogy · 12/04/2016 12:36

I think it's odd that a couple of posters on here think it's okay to put a child in the way of abuse to accommodate someone else.

Original poster
kiki22 · 12/04/2016 12:38

Well I rang her and told her how ds was feeling, she was a little defensive to start with I think because of past experience, I said either I would come of preferably we can do something out and about. Shes going to get back to me with somewhere he wants to go.

I think because ds starts going without me with mil it just carried on, it suited me to get some time to myself so I felt a bit awkward suddenly changing it but I don't want ds to withdraw completely from his cousin because its becoming a bad place for him.

OP posts:
Cookingwine · 12/04/2016 12:39

""It's sad that kids have autism"
What a shitty thing to say. I'm not sad my DS is autistic thank you."

Sorry but I fail to understand the shitty bit here. It IS sad that some DCs have autism, I was crying my eyes out yesterday, just realising that this ASD thing is going to affect DD in so many aspects of her life, that she will struggle to receive support because she antagonises people, albeit unwillingly but the result is the same isn't it? But I cannot allow her to misbehave. Simple punishments don't work, fine, we need to be inventive, but she still need to learn, at least cognitively what is acceptable and what is not.

FauxFox · 12/04/2016 12:43

Well done kiki you are a sweetie Flowers

Hope it all works out Smile

Waltermittythesequel · 12/04/2016 12:43

Well done kiki. I'm glad she was receptive to it, she probably thought at the start that you were going to pull right back.

UmbongoUnchained · 12/04/2016 12:54

That's good news.

MrsJayy · 12/04/2016 12:56

Well thats a positive start good for you

thelittleredhen · 12/04/2016 13:02

Its a really hard position to be in, especially with them both being so young. DS (8) has ADHD and we have some friends with autistic children which he finds it hard to be around after a little while which then makes his anger hard to control. We've had a chat about brains working differently which he can understand with his own ADHD and knowing more children with additional needs as he's gotten older has helped to show him that some kids/people have it worse than others and although it is the reason why they behave differently, we still have an emphasis on it not being an excuse for bad behaviour and that if he has a playmate which finds it hard to share etc, that he needs to role model good sharing etc. When he's had enough, and it's getting hard for him to cope, I encourage him to come away and have some time to himself and ask the other parent to help me to ensure that their child gives him this space.

I think that you did really well to speak to the boy's mum and hope that when you do meet up that you all have a lovely day together Flowers

Obs2016 · 12/04/2016 13:02

Many 4 year olds don't go on play dates on their own.

I have an ASD child, but I don't get what was so awful about what Umbongo said. True no one wants to invite a child who their dd is frightened of and doesnt like, to dd's birthday party.

I think you need to talk to the mum and agree some compromises, or your DS won't be up to go again.
why send a child to someone's house, to play, when they don't want to go. why would you do that?

RidersOnTheStorm · 12/04/2016 13:07

I hope you are able to work something out, OP. You were right to phone and talk to the mum. Your DS has to be your priority but it's kind of you to want to keep the relationship going instead of giving up.

soapboxqueen · 12/04/2016 13:08

cooking I'm not sad my ds has autism. It's part of who he is. Yes he can be incredibly challenging but I'm still not sad.

Many autistic people are not sad about it and would find it offensive to suggest it. They see it as just a part of who they are. It would be like saying 'it's sad some people are gay'. Now obviously there are some people autistic people who don't like being autistic. This is the problem with such a wide variety of people being lumped with one label. The autistic community and those that support them have some massive divisions and feelings run incredibly high. Tis a proper minefield.