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Parenting

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Original poster

ds doesn't want to play with his autistic cousin anymore

86 replies

kiki22 · 12/04/2016 09:47

DS is 4 and has become his cousins only friend due to his laid back nature he's the only child that his cousin can play with without tears and tantrums. The cousin is 5 and is on the spectrum he doesn't share and often hits or decides other children can no longer play so his mum finds I hard to find children who are understanding if this which ds has been so far.

DS is due to go over tomorrow but has just said he doesn't want to go anymore, his reasons for this are that he's not allows to pet his cousins dog or speak to him because its not his dog (cousins rule not parents), he is only allowed to touch some of the toys in the play room and his cousin sends him out of play play room if he doesn't do as hes told so he has to take a toy to the kitchen to play alone while cousins mum talks cousin down. He says its just not fun, ive told him that his cousin has autism and that's why hes not good at sharing and gets moody, his words were I know but it's not fair to be mean to me

I don't really know what to do, I think ds has been as understanding as a 4 year old can be I don't know if its fair to send him somewhere he's unhappy to make someone else happy. I don't really have much experience with autism the only other person I know with an autistic has 2 children so her son is more used to sharing etc I'm really at a loss at what is normal and how much I should expect from ds. I want him to be understanding and sensitive to his cousins needs but not to be unhappy.

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 12/04/2016 10:13

Contact her say your son really doesnt want to come and be dropped off can you come too

Didiusfalco · 12/04/2016 10:14

Okay, you have to have an honest conversation with the mum, because there is definitely a middle ground. Stop being so polite, you write as if you have no control over what your son does and she just gets to have him for the afternoon. Woman up and have the awkward chat, this is totally manageable either you go and both you and the other mother put a good deal of effort in to helping the cousins relationship, which you are both invested in, or as pp have suggested go somewhere neutral. Withdrawing or just expecting ds to get on with it are both wimpy options (for want of a better word!)

Fairylea · 12/04/2016 10:14

I have a son aged 4 with fairly severe autism and he struggles in social situations. I feel for the mum but I also feel for you and your son. I think the mum is being unreasonable not agreeing to meet elsewhere on more neutral territory. My son is very possessive over his things - a play date once ended in disaster because I forgot to put some of his favourite things away and another child dared to touch them and all hell broke loose. I felt awful, the mum felt awkward, all kids screaming and me trying to separate them and apologising. End of play date! Now I make sure play dates are out of the house at a soft play during quieter times when I can closely supervise or at a quiet park. If I do have friends over with children I make sure the children play downstairs around me and I can step in as needed.

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defineme · 12/04/2016 10:20

I would phrase it along the lines of :we really want to keep up the boys friendship because family is very important to us and we love dcousin. However, I am coming too because ds would like me there for the times that dcousin is distracted or needs alone time. He is only 4, I am sure he won't need me on his playdates forever. See you Friday. I wouldn't ask i would just say i am coming.
Ds1 (asd)is 14 now and I thank god for his cousins and our family friends, he doesn't see them all the time, but they turn up for birthdays, include him when we're out with their families etc and have made him feel he is loved and included on many occasion.

tabulahrasa · 12/04/2016 10:25

The problem with a neutral territory is that they usually involve environments that the 5 yr old may be hugely uncomfortable in.

You need to talk to her and just tell her that you totally understand why her DS has these rules, but your DS is only 4 and he just wants to play and that realistically they need an adult helping them to socialise rather than just being left to it - offer to so that as well.

NotCitrus · 12/04/2016 10:33

I think you need to go too. Many 4yos aren't confident to be left on a playdate even without extra difficulties. Dn has autism and at 4 was pretty similar, and it did seem like we had to look in on him and ds playing every 5 minutes to check they were happy sharing toys and practising taking turns. Age 7 and 8 they are pretty good but dn needed lots of practice at useful phrases and ds needed practice in standing up for himself.

Any reasonable parent should understand that 4yos need attention on playdates but the dn's mother may be more exhausted than average and not know what non-autistic kids that age also struggle with.

MattDillonsPants · 12/04/2016 10:34

YABU OP. Life is about learning to help others and to get on with people of all kinds.

UMBONGO you sound utterly disgusting and I'm glad everyone on here knows what sort of person you are. You said the following....

"Yes it's sad that kids have autism but it's so unfair the way people expect everyone else to bend over backwards. I got hate from other mums at play group for not inviting a girl with autism to my daughters party. She hits and bites and my daughter can't stand to be around her. Why would I invite her? "

Just in case anyone missed it.

Cookingwine · 12/04/2016 10:37

Unbongo I found your post funny. I have a DD with ASD, it is heartbreaking that she has no friends, but she can be horrid, what can I say? I have been accused of being a twat on the SEN board though!

Waltermittythesequel · 12/04/2016 10:38

YABU OP. Life is about learning to help others and to get on with people of all kinds.

Nobody else think she's U so that's interesting.

Her son is 4 and has been absolutely lovely even when faced with a difficult environment, never complaining at cousin's house.

That's more than should be expected of a young child.

He has a right to feel happy and safe.

TaurielTest · 12/04/2016 10:39

I would not have expected to leave either of my 4 year old children alone at a 'play date' with any other child, and certainly if he wanted me to stay then my presence would be non-negotiable.

Agree with PPs, you should talk frankly and openly with the mother about what will work best for both children. This is a relationship that both children should benefit from if you and she can work it out.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/04/2016 10:41

Yes it's sad that kids have autism but it's so unfair the way people expect everyone else to bend over backwards

your kids will grow up really tolerant of difference then

lucy101101 · 12/04/2016 10:42

I have some direct experience of this and my thought would be to give your son a break from visiting for a while and then instigate meeting up again, as so many people have said, on neutral ground where no toy ownership is involved. Behaviours often change over time and they may find a new a new and better way of interacting. However, you have to protect and parent your son above all else. You absolutely need to be there to supervise and frankly it is unacceptable if you are not invited.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/04/2016 10:46

now am going to hide this thread or I will end up saying some deletable things to some people, have seen how they go.

Waltermittythesequel · 12/04/2016 10:47

Here we go...

MrsJayy · 12/04/2016 10:47

Matt he is 4 a little boy its not fair for him to be in a situation he isnt happy with he doesnt know his cousin is autistic he just knows he cant pet the dog or play with some toys its up to the adults to guide these children and supervise the play not plonk them together and hope for the best.

UmbongoUnchained · 12/04/2016 10:51

matt yes am perfectly aware of what I said thanks. So I should let my child be tortured so as not to offend anyone? No thanks. The little girl wasn't invited. End of story. I would rather not invite her than give her a pity invite.

strawberrypenguin · 12/04/2016 10:53

Bless your DS he sounds like he's been really understanding for a 4 year old. If he's unhappy going I wouldn't force him, it will only lead to him being upset, as hard as it is he can't be used as his cousins 'crutch'.
I would suggest shorter visits - an hour maybe with you there too. Or shorter meet ups somewhere neutral - take the dog to the park maybe? Again with you present so you can intervene/go home as necessary.
I think it's important for your DS to feel listened too and valued too.

DixieNormas · 12/04/2016 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frostyfingers · 12/04/2016 10:55

That's harsh Matt - OP is trying to work out what's best for her son and the cousin, she's not saying she won't take him and is struggling for a compromise, she doesn't want to see either child unhappy.

UmbongoUnchained · 12/04/2016 10:57

When have I said she does?! Yes it's hard having an autistic child I understand that but I'm not having my child being hit and bitten. Why is that so difficult to understand?

superwormissuperstrong · 12/04/2016 11:02

This is a communication issue with the cousins mum - you have to have a chat with her before any more play dates happen. Sounds like your little boy has been lovely but its too much for him and time for adults to step in and make sure he's treated fairly.

Cookingwine · 12/04/2016 11:05

Completely understandable Umbongo. Actually this insistence that parents have for their ASD DCs to socialise is unreasonable IMHO. Socialization stresses the hell out of them, hence the biting, or the refusing to share, or the threatening when they get older. The last thing I want is for DD to have no friends, but going to a party or a playdate has always been difficult. She is bossy, demanding, teary, tantrumy, I always end up loosing the will to live, or being embarrassed to death, what is the point?

UmbongoUnchained · 12/04/2016 11:09

Thankyou cooking!

Just as your child's welfare comes first to you, mine does to me. We socialise with this girl a lot and sometimes she is lovely and they get along well but other times she's uncontrollable and will just rampage through the children. Her mum just sits there and goes "oh it's ok, she has autism."

Ummm no it's fucking not ok that my toddler now has a chunk taken out of her arm.

soapboxqueen · 12/04/2016 11:34

umbongo The issue there is the parent not the autistic child. Plenty of parents with nt children have that attitude too. Though in all fairness parenting an autistic child comes with gargantuan challenges and pretty much zero support so many do struggle.

Waltermittythesequel · 12/04/2016 11:40

These discussions always descend into bun fights. It's such a shame because I don't think anyone really means to be offensive.

I think, just from what I've seen that parents of SN children feel so defensive/frustrated at what is perceived as lack of understanding, because they come up against such judgement and hostility all the time.

And then parents of NT children feel like those parents don't give a shit about their feelings or their dc feelings and will never acknowledge any wrongdoing and it just becomes tit for tat.

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