At what age does it become 'easier' with kids?

[VoluptuaGoodshag]

You're all going to say it doesn't aren't you . But with DD aged 3 and DS aged almost 2, I'm just fed up having to fend for other people. Yes I know they are my kids and they can't help it but I'm bored and cranky. They've had colds for what seems like weeks. Weather been wretched. Hardly been out but TBH it's easier to stay in and have everything to hand as I just seem to get in a flap if I go anywhere with them.
I look a mess, permanently covered in bits of them, I'm tired all the time, hugely resentful of DH for not having to deal with my day etc. etc.
Oh for when they can dress themselves and put on their seatbelts and follow instructions to the letter.

Vol, in the interim (the 'year') what about putting an advert in your newsagent for a Mother's help? I did this and it has been a great help. She comes once a week for 4 hours and plays with my youngest (oldest now at school) whilst I am at home - I get on with 'stuff' in my office..or latterly, since I have got to really know her and trust her, I disappear out for an hour or two....

winter is crap with toddlers, it's constant snot and being stuck indoors. I would say age 4 and up is easier. i think xenia's answer to any question on here is "go to work and hire a nanny."

HMC - amazingly I had never considered that! Might give it a go.

But now, tis a Sautrday night and since I can't sod off for a dirty weekend, shake my thang at the disco, fall asleep on a strangers floor, I shall slouch in front of the TV in my casual, minging indoor attire, let my dinner digest and quaff a couple of glasses of plonk.

Shall read more of this later

enjoy the peace and quiet voluptua and the wine! as you can see on here there are many of us in of a saturday nihght getting our thrills on mn.... you are not alone. have sent dh out to scavenge for food / wine in sainsburys. wish he'd hurry up.

when does it become easier, never i shoudl imgaine, even when theyleave home you could hardley just "wash your hands of them"..

they are for life

damn. i thought it was just for christmas.....

Although I've always worked I do think SAHMs who can afford it shoudl have some help actually. If your parents aren't around to help then I think it's reasonable to have a live in au pair so you get 5 hours "off" a day even if it's just to have time to clean without a baby needing you.

I certainly agree there's no point in going back to low paid work you don't like. High paid work you don't like is better or even high paid work you love which is what I was lucky enough to find. The Rachel Cusk book on becoming a mother is the best description I have found of the loss of self/time you have with a young baby. I buy it for new parents all the time but I expect they don't have time to read it. No tage of life is as hard as that, even the 10 18 year olds here last night.

Xenia, you keep talking about history and what is natural. But the Industrial Revolution was not 'natural'. In terms of history, childcare and women going away from their children to work is the tiniest blip possible in history. Yes women worked, but they worked in agriculture, with their children.
History and 'nature' have nothing to teach us in favour of women working in offices or factories.
I like having a bit of childcare and working, but your argument is really ignorant of history and nature.

I think working would help you if you feel like this - is it a possibility?

If not then can you arrange a weekend or a few evenings without the kids as you sound as though you need it.

Age 6+ gives you more energy and resources for yourself in my opinion, but this is a while off.

I personally found time at home far preferable to working but if you feel resentful of dh I think you should try working as this may suit you better. horses for courses.

Not really, A but perhaps we all just take from history what we want to take. Children were often tied up. Babies also fastened to a board (American Indians) or in the UK sent out to wet nurses for 5 years. Most didn't survive to age 5 so mothers tired not to have such an emotional connection to the child as we do now. Many 6 - 10 year old girls would mind the child whilst the mother worked. I suppose it depends which bit of history and which peoples. We were with some traditional indians in the summer and there as you say the mothers were with their children, although in a kind of collective way - you'd get 15 5 year olds kind of on the loose playing and 7 mothers together chatting, not the sort of isolation some stay at home parents end up with, more a collective looking after, commune sort of thing.

sniggering at controlfreaky's post

I certainly agree with you that the modern idea of a woman 'at home' - ie: the isolated, sole carer of her children - is neither 'natural' or very healthy. Raising children in 'nature' is a communal effort, but separating children from their mothers for long periods is completely unnatural both in primate societies and in pre-industrial human communities. I think the worst thing to come out of the industrial revolution (and I'm no teepee dweller, believe me) is this awful dilemma of either being stuck within four walls with your children or being separated from them all day. By having a child carer who comes to my home where I work I have managed to find something that mostly suits me (though sometimes I wish I wasn't working and sometimes I wish they'd all bugger off and leave me alone)) but it's not easy.

Think it probably depends whether you have girls or boys. My boys (6 and 2) seem to be harder work than my friends' girls of the same age, but apparently it's the other way round when they're teenagers!

My 2.9 yr old is hard work at the moment, but my 6.9 year old is lovely - although he can be incredibly rude and shouty, and knows exactly how to answer back. I really enjoy the occasional day out with just me and him - I make sure I do one of them every holiday, wehn no 2 is in nursery. We go on the steam train or out for lunch and to the cinema, and he loves the undivided attention.

I work part time and find it the ideal solution. I couldn't cope with under fives full time either. But working full time would make childcare even more expensive and harder to organise, and like I say i do enjoy spending time with them - as long as I can have 'adult' time too and feel as though I'm using my brain.

Childcare certainly doesn't get easier when they go to school, so unless you can get a job that is just school hours and school holidays off, prepare for some juggling!

that is certainly true.... it's not easy.

ohmygawd Aloha you always take the words straight out of my mouth , so eloquently put and amazingly you articulated everything I feel right now. This societies set up of either isolation with the kids daily or complete full time work is a constant argument in our household and a great frustration to me. It doesnt feel right to me either way. So you agree Xenia , its really a balance in a SAHM life that you are advocating ? Or that under 5 its acceptable to get help but over you better have a damn good reason if not working?

There was NO way I was going to go back to the totally absorbing, (supposedly far too high powered, over ambitious & dynamic as my MIL would say), of everything career I had and be left with very little to show for it after childcare costs , but more was the logistics of frequent work travel and long hrs and avery unforgiving, family unfriendly work culture. Like you I found working for myself far better , although again I think with some of it I took on more than I could chew , especially balancing meetings out of the house & casual child care arrangements with a friends live out au pair (of sorts). So Ive not taken on any work since 4mths pregnant with dd2.Id like to pick it up again somehow , but dont have a clue how to arrange it all , as I dont yet have the kind of finance in the business to warrant regular childcare. Can I be nosey & ask, is it a nanny you have Aloha ?

Hi - have just joined mumsnet and read this post with interest. I have 4 kids under 6 (daughters 5 and just turned 4, sons 2.5 and 6 months). All difficult at different times but all delightfully, amazingly wonderful. I go back to work in May (boo hoo!) while my husband will stay at home. Felt strongly that we couldnt really complain about behaviour either now or later in life if we had let them be influenced by others (eg nannies, nurtesry teachesr, after school clubs) more than by ourselves. (does that make sense?). I have nothing against nurseries, preschool etc (and have used a motley mix of these in the past). I think its just that our thinking has evolved and we want to be the main influence / guide in their lives for as long as possible.

When they leave home

Seriously though I think for me it was a seminal moment when DD2 learnt to forgage for food and turn the TV on - she was nearly 3. DD1 was 5. Basically it meant they could get tehmselves up, get something to eat (weetabix or cheerios) and watch TV. I got a lie in again

Now they are 5 and 7 and they are fantasic kids, still draining at times, but the healthy neglect parenting style I have has made my two very self sufficent (in a good way) and I can let them get themselves to bed ect. Actually in teh holidays I didn't get up much before 10.30 most mornings. They got up and made their own brakfats (OK it was christmas so it was usually some sort of chocolate!!) and played until I got up. Bliss

I'd say about 4 also but even then my 4 year old is often a pain. funny I was just wondering this the other day as its the putting them to bed bit that gets me - I just wonder when I can say "go to bed" and I don'thave to do anything. I have 3 children. ds1 is 7 but due to his condition (autism) he is still in nappies at night, dd is 4 and ds2 is 17 months. Its hard as the two older ones fight a lot and I don't always feel as if I am controlling them well. If they do get on then they are usually being naughty. Last night they were running wild and the youngest was pulling at my legs and I was trying to open a box of wine and spraying it all over the place and I told him to "piss off" felt terrible afterwards sayign that to a baby...

Sorry not helping much. However my 7 year old can sit nicely watching a DVD without whining and its nice to do more adult things with him like cooking or making Lego, its just finding alone time with him and indeed with all the children.

Crunchie that's certainly true about the lie-in. Our 6 year old comes downstairs and turns the TV on and would be happy for hours, but the 2 year old still wants to bounce on the bed and be read to. A certain degree of self-sufficiency in your children does make things a lot easier.

Ah, yes, the doing their own hair... remember those years of doing my daughers'.

On the other point on what works for parents just depends on your personality. If you want one of you to look after them then the stay at home mother or increasingly father might be best for you IF you can stand it. I don't think they suffer if you work so really it's just a choice thing - do you love that at home stuff, lying in to 10.30 in holidays... wow. I was up to work throughout the Christmas holidays even if the children were lying in except when we were away and worked between Christmas and NY.

I quite liked, although it had its challenges, the days when I was working in my office at home, my exhusband was teaching the piano in his music teaching room, twins with their nanny in the house, older children around and about. I think that's a bit like an extended large household in Medieval times where strong working women ran businesses from home and husbands worked from home and there were servants and others around anda bout all day long. My children particularly the youngest have definitely benefited from all the comings and goings at home and the fact they become almost integrated and certainly know about our work....although I often think if only I could ever have my house to myself but that's another issue.

xenia I know you were working, and I work hard too. But DH was away doing panto, so I took my annual leave and had yummy lie ins

Melsy, no, I have a lovely Polish girl who works as an au pair for another family but has two (sometimes more) days a week free when she works for me. She's very sweet and kind and patient and plays endless games of tea party and takes dd to the swings every day she has her, which I can't stand! She's not qualified, but she is one of a family of six, has nice references and has been great. Super-reliable and dd really likes her.