How do you deal with 'sass'?!

[tryhard]

DD1 is 5 going on 15...the kind of sass I mean is answering back, pulling faces when I'm talking to her seriously, deliberately not listening to me, that kind of low-level yet infuriating cheekiness. I'm trying to teach her respect but feel like it's not going in at all. So for example, today after her forgetting her pleases one time too many, I got down on her level to remind her of her manners and she starts pulling faces at me... 'Don't pullfaces when I'm talking to you...' [Pulls a different face] 'No, you're still pulling faces, look at me when I'm talking to you...' [turns head but closes eyes]... 'Say sorry' [barks SORRY!] 'No say it nicely...' [sorrrrrrry in whingey voice]. It drives me to distraction & I feel like getting nowhere with her (I must note it's only with me, at school butter wouldn't melt!). DH says I try to rationalise with her too much, that she should get 1 chance to be polite then time out - any thoughts?!!

Hopefully is a stage and you should not take it personally. I have found this book helpful ;

how to talk to children so children can talk to you

The PP is right 'How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk' is amazing and has completely changed and informed my parenting.

I am not so sure you can teach respect the way you describe IMHO. I think the best way to teach respect is to show it: respecting her feelings, needs etc and also telling her immediately when she has not respected yours, that it has hurt you or angered you etc.

If you wanted her to say please/ thank you, I woud simply not give her the thing she wanted after a warning 'Ask again straightaway being polite and using please/ thank you'. One chance to correct and if not satisfactory then doesn't get what she wants.

I think it's a bit futile to force a child to say sorry - you end up engaged in a battle of wills (which children are fecking superb at winning I find!)

Face pulling - whenever she did it I would completely withdraw attention, preferably leaving the room.

But I would also praise to the heavens all the things she does right. So she is getting a lot of positive attention. Even the little things. Being v specific. 'Oh thank you for holding the door for me, that made me feel good' etc.

And also remember, whatever annoying ways they currently have, this too shall pass!

You teach respect by showing respect. You are fighting a losing battle telling her not to pull faces at you. Relax a little, these things matter far less than you fear they do.

The Death Stare is the only option. DS tried it a few times, got "the look", never done it since.

I had to practice it in front of the mirror though!

I say, "Come back to me when you're 12."

I think that's why it's getting under my skin so much, I've got a real thing about being respectful & am trying oh so hard to model it so am probably being v uptight about it, she's probably worked out it's just the perfect button to press! The Death Stare definitely needs work, it fails to hit the mark right now. The battle of wills is becoming a real issue, I know I need to avoid it but equally I don't want to let her cheekiness go by uncorrected because I worry she'll start to think it's acceptable behaviour.

Ignoring the cheekiness is more likely to reduce it than responding to it. She's getting a lot of attention from you when she is cheeky.
Simple instructions like "Ask me again politely please" can be far more effective than telling her off for being rude.
And praise her when she is polite.

No-one is saying don't tackle those things (especially as they are important to you). We're saying have a try at tackling them in a different way (as what you are doing at moment is really bothering you when your child reacts the way she does).

Tbh I always, always (if I possibly can) try to avoid a battle of wills scenario. As I said before a child is generally better than an adult at them(!) plus they teach the child the lesson that obstinacy works.

I am sure your child is not doing anything different to others. She's five. That is still at an early stage to fully practise being respectful. Please don't lose faith in yourself or daughter - I am certain you are all doing better than you realise - you just can't see it when you're right in the middle of it.