Help a weepy Mum, PND??

[wellsie]

This maybe a long one - depending on how long DS sleeps!
DS is 4.5 months and a model baby, DH is an angel sent from heaven and the dog doesn't bark, so why do I feel so awful.
Woke up this morning and felt like every muscle in my body ached, I did not want to get out of bed, started to imagine what it would be like to be dead and flying with the angels (I'm not mad, just a bit dreamy sometimes). I had these feeling about 6 weeks ago and GP diagnosed an over active thyroid (mines normally underactive) and PND, she prescribed AntiD's and cut my dose in thyroxin, when I got home and read the side effects I decided not to take the AntiD's, anyway was feeling loads better and seemed to be coping but on Saturday I went to have my hair done and had a panic attack on the way home, since then I've become increasingly more wobbly, I look at my DS and wish he had a better mummy cos' this one just doesn't seem to have the strength to do the job. I'm starting to worry about everything and I can't imagine my life ever being the same again. It seemed such a good idea to have a baby but if I'm completely honest I wish I'd never done it (DH doesn't even know that). Please don't think of me being a bad mummy, I love my DS (he is the most handsome baby!) But today I'd like to give him back and I'd like to disappear.
Would really like to hear from anyone who has had the same feelings, had PND or a thyroid condition or anyone who might have some good advice.
Thanks.

Hi wellsie, i'm coming out the other side of a little run in with PND. Thanks to Mumsnet I recognised the signs and nipped it in the bud I do know how you feel.
For me it was like a big black cloud hanging over me constantly and I just could see a way of lifting my mood. Believe me my Dh and the kids suffered at my moods but there was nothing I could do it stop it.
I've managed without anti-d's and have found that talking about it really helped. I feel like because it was acknowledged that I had it I felt better as I wasn't just being a shit wife and mum because of me, it was the PND doing it. Almost like a 3rd person I suppose.

Anyway, I hope you get through it, keep posting on here if it makes you feel better.

Good luck.

Thanks emmatmg, it does help reading the postings on Mumsnet, least I know I'm not alone with this. I know exactly what you mean by a 3rd person, it's like you've got this body that you recognise but the person inside is different, who did you talk to about PND?
Thanks

Hi wellsie, know exactly how you feel!! does your dh know you have pnd? will talking to him help?

Hi Wellsie,

I too know exactly how you feel. I also have a 4 month old, who is such a good baby, and a supportive husband (can't even write ds or dh). But I just feel empty. I look at my son and wonder who on earth he is, it's as if I have never seen him before, and then I remember. If I was told I could go back 15 months and stay on the pill and not get pregnant I would seriously consider it.

I've posted on the health threat (can't do links sorry) and people have given some helpful advice about non AD solutions. I've also been given ADs but am not taking them since my son is still fully b/f. I had wondered if my thyroid could be playing up but was too embarassed in the end to ask the GP. I felt such a failure for going to see her.

my husband and I went out for the first time on our own for a meal this week. Half way through I just wanted to get up, walk out of the door and just keep walking. I feel trapped. I can't let my son down and so must plod on but everything seems so futile. Then I have a couple of good days and think that I don't have PND I've just been a bit low and feeling sorry for myself. But then I have a day where I just cry.

My HV is coming weekly, although I'm not sure how much that helps. I am thinking of counselling because there must be something that makes me feel like this.

Sorry, can't offer any good advice, but you're not alone and I suspect it's not that uncommon but it's not really something you can chat about face to face with other new mums. This is why this website is so invaluable.

PND sufferer here to and I also have an over active thyroid. Firstly in my opinon antiD's work although the side effects in the first few weeks are a little hard to cope with. Mainly dizziness and absent memory. Ds2 is almost six months old and I'm still taking antiD's because I never want to feel the way I felt with ds1. I could have upped and left my family at any time. I would have given ds1 up to anyone. It was hell. I would break down in tears several times a day. Phone my mum when I couldn't cope and have to go outside and lock ds1 in the house because I didn't trust myself.

What antiD's have you been given? I'm on cipralex and they started to work almost straight away.

I'm also taking carbimazole for thyrotoxicosis/Graves disease. Recently my thyroid flared back up and the symptoms were awful. Shaking, aching, couldn't manage the stairs, breathless, panicky, blackouts, absent memory and many more. You'll know from having an under active thyroid how debilitating it is, so maybe you need a bit of extra help while it's slightly off.

I'm always here to chat and if you want to contact me through contact another talker, you're more than welcome.

Take care

Flip

Wellsie, sorry you're feeling so wobbly. I know that feeling when every though and feeling seems to come clothed in negativity.

What AD's did your doctor give you? Like Flip, I have had a good experience with Cipralex, and felt better immediately. I did have a little nausea for about a day, and a bit of wakefulness for a short while, but nothing as scary as the leaflet would have you believe!

My GP was really good at explaining it as a chemical deficiency which occurs in the brain as a result of hormones being knocked for six, and that ADs give your body a chance to build up it's reserves of the right chemicals again (serotonin?). A bit like taking iron pills for aneamia until your iron reserves have recovered.

Anyway, whatever you decide, you really are not a bad mummy just because you feel you are. But it would be nice to enjoy time with your baby, so talk to your DH, your friends, your GP and keep posting.

XXXX Blu

Thanks Guys for your messages. Have just let my DH read this page, he felt sad for all us ladies out there going through this. At least he now knows exactly whats going on in my mushy head!
The GP perscribed Citalopram, I went back to GP today to explain that I've started to feel unwell again, she is still trying to push the AntiD's but I've said no, so she is going to get my HV to contact me again for weekly chats. I asked about alternative remedies but she couldn't (wouldn't) recommend any.
Mumof1, you and I sound like we've come out of the same pod, so glad to know there is someone else out there that (perhaps) wishes they'd stayed on the pill. Do you know what terrifies me more than anything, the fact that I might get pregnant again and even worse, that I might have twins!!! This is one of my BIG worries (I worry a lot) Also, its like, now you've had one you're expected to do it all again in about 2yrs time and that terrifies me, although I suspect that in 2-3yrs time mother nature will play a cruel trick on me! Why on earth would we keep doing this to ourselves?!
Am going to Ottakers tomorrow to get some info on PND, alternative remedies and nutrition (think I need to be eating better) Hopefully won't have another panic attack. Please keep posting me. It has really lifted my mood today knowing you guys are out there.
Thanks

Have to totally agree about concerns about getting pregnant again. It really frightened me that after 14 years on the pill, it took me only two weeks after coming off it to get pregnant. Since I am b/f I can't go back on the combined pill at the moment, and I know that the mini pill is not as reliable - luckily (??!) there is no activity in that area at the moment, as I think my worries would more than outweigh any pleasure

happy to talk anytime. Not exactly getting out much at the moment!

hi wellsie - I recognise so much of what you say in your first post. I have had pnd for 18 mths and have felt pretty awful. Like you I felt pressured by gp to go on ad's but have good reasons (I feel) to refuse. See other thread on progesterone for pnd. This thread also has some other good non ad suggestions, nutrition wise I think magnesium (in bananas also good form of natural serotonin) and starch seem to be important.

I have had counselling since last summer from my local post natal depression project without which I would not be here today. I also had thoughts of dying and used to have very frightening daydreams/visions - these are long gone now and were a build up of emotion for me. Is there a project like this in your area? Might be worth asking your hv or contacting asscoc of post natal illnesses. I found weekly visits from hv were nice but never went into enough depth and was scared of admitting a lot of stuff to her in case she took my kids away! Really recommend frequent counselling of any shape or form. Hope things get better for you soon please keep posting - lots of love and hugs to you

midden
xxxx

Hi Midden, thanks for your posting, this website is keeping me going at the moment.
Went to town today and got a book on coping with depression the natural way and the Nutrition Bible. Intend to have a read tonight and then go food shopping tomorrow for all my new healthy/brain foods!
DH has looked after DS most of today which has given me a nice break, but I'm already worrying about Monday and being on my own again, just know the blues will kick in again.
Anyway, keep posting me & thanks for your kind words.
Wellsie

wellsie glad you had a break today - so important and can help so much. Let me know if you find anything interesting in the book. Have you got anyone else that can help you during the week if you need a break

hi wellsie, sorry I didn't post again yesterday but in answer to your question about talking about PND, I had kind of work it out for myself when I started a thread called 'Could this be PND' so when the lovely Mumsnettters said they felt the same with their PND it gave me confirmation that this was it.

For some reason I found it really hard to tell DH so the first person I mentioned it too was a friend. I blurted out "I've got the HV coming later as I think I've got PND" I REALLY didn't want to say it out load and saying it made me almost cry.
Anyway my friend and the HV just listened to me waffle on about me and how I was feeling and that made me feel better just knowing that they were there, thinking about me rather me doing everything and thinking about everyone else before myself.

Does that make sense? it really was easy once I'd said it out load, and fingers crossed I am over the worst of it now. The black cloud is still there some days but mostly it's clear skies above me now.

P.s No I'm not a weather girl and apologies for that being so cheesy but I think you'll understand what I mean.

Hi there, thanks for your postings. Went food shopping today but for some reason started to get really panicked halfway through the shop, managed to finsh but couldn't get home quick enough - think it was another panic attack. When I got home DS had just woken up screaming his head off, we would normally leave him for 5mins to see if he would resettle, plus DH was meant to be looking after him but I just took over, picked him up and put him in his pram and pushed him out for a walk - of course he didn't go off to sleep, just screamed and then started smiling at me.
Why can't I chill out, feeling very twitchy and nervy at the moment, also dreading being on my own tomorrow.
Wellsie

ooh flower sound like me 3 years ago it does get better

Promise?

yes

Just realised Gothicmama you're helping me on the Sleep section, you'll probably find my postings everywhere searching for the answers, am needing lots of advice and reassurance just lately (no family nearby and feeling quite lnoely even though I have a DH and gorgeous DS)
Thanks again
x

I am glad to help I had a rough time 3 years ago after dd and think if I can help I have not been through it all for no reason . Be kind to yourself is important and you can get help an dsupport on here- do you go to any mums and baby groups?

have to say that I find all supermarkets make me very panicky - usually send dh for shopping as I just cannot do it! Think it is the bright lights and volume of people. I know lots of people who feel this way you are not alone. I once tried to go to tesco - not to do a weekly shop - just to get something for the tea and had a mild panic attack and came out with a roasted chicken. (We are veggies) I cried all the way home. Is there anything that you can do relaxation wise? I find booking the kids into creche and having a swim or doing a yoga class has been a real saviour for me - short break from kids too.....also there is a creche at local library but I used to use that if I was having a low day and just sit and read. You will get through tomorrow - you sound a strong person - keep out and about if you need to, lots of love

midden

I do go to a Mother & baby group and I go to clinic every week (just for the social aspect) everyone seems really happy so wouldn't dare tell people how I was feeling in case they reported me to Social Services.
As for leaving DS in a creche, I think he's a bit little at the mo (only 4.5months)Plus, don't know if I could do it as get nervy just leaving him with DH let alone strangers. Also, DH has been offered a job in London so looks like we'll be moving in the next 6wks - very worried about this as will have to start all over again, although I have asked DH how quickly he can get me online at the new house!!
Thanks for your support
x
P.S. I've always hated supermarkets, now even more!!!!!

sorry wellsie - forgot the age of your ds in that last post. I wish I could add some good pnd links but don't really know of any, did read some books out of library but really just to convince myself I didn't have it (proved myself wrong when i read the symptoms) really what has been the best point of info for me has been the pnd project. You say you are moving to london, I am sure there will be something similar there.

I agree with Midden about contacting the association of post natal illess (www.apni.org). They have organised me a volunteer who is happy to chat by email or phone. You just fill in some basic details and they match you up. It's good because you are speaking to someone who has gone through it and come out the other side.

I find mumsnet very useful as well of course, and pop in at least twice a day - although I lurked for ages before I had the confidence to post!

Even just writing about problems on a message board, or in an email does help me to a certain extent, as I feel I am doing something to get through it.

Sounds like good advice you have alot of things to deal with moving and baby all considered stressful on their own so be nice to yourself plan something nice to do as a family or on your own I used to like us all going for cake from really nice cake shop at weekend

Wellsie - Yes, it does get better. Four years ago had PND with DD and reading your thread reminded me of the days at home when DH was in work. (I gave up F/T career to become a mum!! Ha, ha how naive I was to think the transition could be so simple.) I used to start looking at the clock at 9.05am and think only 7 hrs 55mins to go until I get support. Like you, we have no family here so all done on our own. Think this can really make a difference. You are doing the right thing by talking about how you feel.
APNI always seems to get a good press re. email/telephone counselling. The dark days will go eventually, just don't beat yourself up about the feelings/thoughts you are having.
Am embarrassed to tell you some of mine but now, DS is 16 months old and like in previous threads I talked to, there was NO PND second time around. Like you I was not keen for AntiD as I was also breast feeding. I used reflexology and shiatsu a lot to help the panic attacks and the usual, lots of deep breathing when I felt one coming on. Have not had an attack for over 3 years now.

Keep going, it gets better with time

Hi wellsie, I've just read your thread and even though I haven't suffered from PND (my ds is now 11mo) I did have the 'baby-blues' and can relate a little to what you're feeling. What were you doing before ds? Did you work? I was completely overwhelmed by my new situation, leaving a demanding stressful job I knew inside and out to another demanding stressful job I knew NOTHING about. It was not the picture I was expecting. Looking back I would say the turning point for me was 6months. It's at that point my ds started doing more things himself, developed in areas because of our interaction and not just lying there on his back (even though that was sooo cute too, it just became very different). Plus I think I started to get more experience, found myself helping other Mnetters with new babies even though I'd only just been through it. It actually made you feel like 'hey, I can do that' or 'I've been there, done that' which I'd never felt before and it adds to your self confidence. Now at 11mo my ds is such a joy and I've actually decided not to go back to work (!!!) and be a SAHM... which I was never going to do. Things will change and as gothicmamma says - it will get better - promise!