Help a weepy Mum, PND??

[wellsie]

This maybe a long one - depending on how long DS sleeps!
DS is 4.5 months and a model baby, DH is an angel sent from heaven and the dog doesn't bark, so why do I feel so awful.
Woke up this morning and felt like every muscle in my body ached, I did not want to get out of bed, started to imagine what it would be like to be dead and flying with the angels (I'm not mad, just a bit dreamy sometimes). I had these feeling about 6 weeks ago and GP diagnosed an over active thyroid (mines normally underactive) and PND, she prescribed AntiD's and cut my dose in thyroxin, when I got home and read the side effects I decided not to take the AntiD's, anyway was feeling loads better and seemed to be coping but on Saturday I went to have my hair done and had a panic attack on the way home, since then I've become increasingly more wobbly, I look at my DS and wish he had a better mummy cos' this one just doesn't seem to have the strength to do the job. I'm starting to worry about everything and I can't imagine my life ever being the same again. It seemed such a good idea to have a baby but if I'm completely honest I wish I'd never done it (DH doesn't even know that). Please don't think of me being a bad mummy, I love my DS (he is the most handsome baby!) But today I'd like to give him back and I'd like to disappear.
Would really like to hear from anyone who has had the same feelings, had PND or a thyroid condition or anyone who might have some good advice.
Thanks.

BTW, I live in London(NW). There are LOTS of London meetup threads. Let me/us know which area you're moving too and I can help you hook up with some MNetters. Plus netmums.com & familiesonline.co.uk are great sites for M&B groups etc.

[sorry about bad spelling and grammar!]

Thanks for your messages.
It's Monday morning & DH has left for work. DS is asleep in his cot & I'm lonely, dreading the next 7hrs. Am determined not to put Trisha on as that will make me more depressed!
Bron42, do you think you can weather this bad storm without AntiD's? I am determined to try and help myself the natural way, I mean, what did people do before AntiD's, they must have just carried on?! But then again they probably had their mum living next door so could just hand baby over when needing a break - I really miss my mum! (she's not dead! Just lives in a different County, plus she's on hols this week so no contact )
Karen99, thanks for your messages. I am hoping that there will be a turning point, at the moment though I can't see it.
Am going to contact the APNI, HV had suggested going to a local PND group but I think I'd find it easier talking to someone anon. Don't really want to tell someone face to face how bad I feel somedays, worried that they'll take DS away and give to a woman who can't have children (how crazy am I?!)
Anyway, DS due to wake shortly, must away.
Thanks you guys.
Wellsie
x

Morning wellsie
Just wanted to show my support , as I have been through a similar time as you. I feel im getting to the other side now and suffered terribly with panic attacks. I have been seeing a hypnotherapist for the last 15 weeks and thats helped me enourmously. You may have seen some of my threads talking about my homework !! It does get easier and like you I sat thinking, no way Ill never leave this feeling. I also wanted to just disapear and not wake up sometimes. I felt that some ads were the thing to help the chemical imbalance as the stress and panic does cause the wrong chemicals to increase and not the right ones. I am looking into homeopathic ones to wean off , but chemical traditional medicine ones are only synthetic derivatives of natural ones. I am finding that other therapies like massage , mediation , lavender baths withe candles, breathing yoga style and other stress relief techniques have also helped the recovery. Nothing beats having a wonderful chat with holistic practioners.

You are very welcome to contact me through here to chat in more detail. If you are on hotmail we can talk on msn so you dont feel alone at home, thats the hardest battle I think in beating the blues and helping create a new life amd as karen said there are many MN meet ups to attend all over London. Ive been to several and its been great to meet everyone face to face. especially as we know already how well be recieved from the welcome support from here.

have a happy day
speak soon
melsy xx

Hi Wellsie - I had severe anxiety based PND after the birth of twins.

I have a separate issue now due to a problem with a particular AD but I promise promise promise you it will get better.

I can remember only too well that terrible feeling of knowing that I had a whole day ahead of me and what on earth I was going to do.

I did go to a PND group and it was a huge help for me but i think you have to do what feels comfortable for you so definately contact the association if you feel happier getting support 'anonymously'.

Please dont beat yourself up about everyone else looking so happy at the clinic / baby groups etc. I used to torture myself over this. I know i used to feel like there was a glass wall between me and 'them' where 'they' were in the real world and I just wasnt able to take part in it. This will go away.

If at all possible try and break the days into small chunks so you dont feel so intimidated by so many hours ahead of you.

I think at the group we were encouraged to break each hour into 4 quarters but you could just do half hours. Each quarter hour would include something like make a cup of tea / ring friend/ read magazine/ feed baby/ do breathing exercises.

Anyway sorry Im rambling - but wanted to let you know you will get better even though I know at the moment that seems like a million miles away.
Kizziex

Wellsie, where are you at the moment (part of UK)? I used to do something similar to kizzie too (still do) and split my day up according to ds' naps and feeds. You start concentrating so much on the now that you don't notice the afternoon's arrived and dh will be home soon. Plus planning ahead helped, eg. I'd put on the calendar by the fridge - Mon, shopping - Tues, m&b group - etc. so I could see what I was going to do for the week. I'd try and do one outing a day albeit down the shops, a pushchair to Sainsburys etc. but found that used up an hour quite easily, especially if you planned the outing when baby is awake so you still get time to yourself during his naps at home (ie MN!). I'll have a look at your sleep thread as my ds was (still is) a poor sleeper in the day and that used to really drain me.

Chin up, it's a lovely sunny day, it's almost lunchtime already. Let us know how you are. [hugs]

How are you feeling today Wellsie? Are there more good days than bad yet?

I just thought I'd check in and find out. I haven't read everything else it would take me ages and ds2 is trying to crawl off my knee as a type.

Hi Karen99, I'm currently living in Gloucestershire. My day is quite predictable (unless DS is unhappy) perhaps that's the problem, I need to get out more, trouble is I'm scared of upsetting DS and then being unable to do anything with him. (I've become a slave to GF - I hate her!!!)
I do try and go for a walk every afternoon but somedays I'm just so tired I can't do it so I end up falling asleep on the bed with DS.
Have just tried my first cup of Camomile tea - interesting! Will see if that helps, also bought some Bachs Rescue Remedy at the weekend.
DS is now asleep - 45mins before he should be but tough, wonder how long he'll sleep?

There is nothing wrong with sleeping when they sleep if it is what you need well done for getting tea an drescue remedy . have you thought abut oining book club on here ( reading is good for filling in time)

Yes, it's Remains of the Day this month isn't it?

Joining the book club is a good idea and also getting some videos of things that you'd actually like to watch.

Even though I do think its good to get out if you possibly can - if you just feel too knackered then lying down in the garden reading / or resting on the sofa watching something you fancy is next best thing.

My friend who had pnd watched every jane austen film over and over again because she found them 'non threatening' easy viewing that made her feel better because at least she wasnt watching Tricia. (which made her feel guilty)
(BTW - shes fine now and feeling confident enough to be contemplating a job transfer to France!! Just another example for you of someone who got through it. i know when I had it I found it reassuring to hear about others who had come through the other side.)
Kizziex

Hey! I used to live in Glos. went to school there etc. Moved to London after Uni(Leeds). Where abouts? I lived in Dursley/Uley (my parents still do)

What did you do before ds? Work, volunteer etc?

I tried using GF in the early days but ds wasn't having any of it. To be honest the rigidity started to drive me crazy as I felt I couldn't do anything I wanted to do. As it happens most babies fall into the eat-play-sleep model and I would follow the put down after 2hrs in the morning, but the afternoons would vary. Sometimes the lunchtime/afternoon nap would be in the car or pram. Some days I did too much [out and about] and suffered for it a couple of days after as ds didn't get enough/quality sleep. But he survived and he has actually gotten much better sleeping in the day (since about 8mo) but I think he preferred the outings than staying in.

Have you thought about possibly experimenting without GF for a few days? You roughly know when his nap times are, or atleast how quickly he gets tired after being up for say 3hrs. I think my ds was up for 2hrs, nap for 45min, up for 4hrs, nap for 45mins and then up for 3hrs before bed at 7pm. So I used this to plan if I wanted to be out or indoors when the naps happened. Quite often I'd sit in a carpark waiting for him to wake up so we could then go shopping to make sure he had some sleep

Anyway.. I think my long post is.. if GF is driving you crazy stop for a few days and do something for you. You can always go back to it if you want to.

Hi Karen99, I'm in Churchdown (I'm not local though, used to be a Somerset Girl)
Today GF has gone out the window. He woke up early, only slept for 30mins this morning then slept for 3hrs at lunchtime, 40mins this afternoon and DH has put him down to sleep tonight at 7.10pm but he's still chatting to himself up there!
Kizzie, you're right, it is nice to hear stories of people who've come through this. All I can think about is that this mummy job is too much and that it will always be too much cos' I'll always be a mummy!!
Anyway, I've had a good day today despite me dreading it and I'm off to a Mother & Baby group tomorrow morning and clinic on Wednesday, wondering whether to say anything to the other mums to see if there's anyone else feeling like this.
Oh, and also I've sent an e-mail to the APNI and they said to call them tomorrow so will do.
Thanks for all your postings.
Wellsie
xx

Hi Wellsie, not sure where chuchdown is.. I'll look it up.

It's great you've had a better day today. As mentioned before a good opening line at your m&b grp is 'how old is your ds/dd?' and 'how are you finding things?', if their's is older than yours 'what developments should I be seeing' (eg. crawling etc. even if you know all this already), 'what did you find exciting eg. crawling, walking etc.' and just ask them the questions. Some people just return one word answers and I found them difficult to crack so I would politely move on and start chatting to someone else. Another good one is 'is this your first time here'. Good luck and start the day off by thinking positively. You can do it.

(PS. as for being a mummy forever, the reality of that does hit me too, but you will soon be receiving love from your ds, at the moment all they can do is take take take and it's feels like you're giving so much more than receiving. It will change [hugs])

Thanks Karen99, I'm in between Cheltenham & Gloucester.
Perhaps you're right, once I start getting more back from DS it'll get easier. I can't wait for the day when he runs to me with open arms, trouble is that seems a long way off yet.

I didn't get PND but I have to say, there are lots of Mumsnetters who found ADs absolute lifesavers and you can take them and breastfeed. They might help you enough to start taking pleasure in your ds and looking forward to the future with joy. You can always stop taking them if you want.
I wish you well.
PS second the idea of abandoning GF if it is making you feel worse. Getting out is important and so is doing stuff to give you pleasure.

Hi Wellsie,

Hope you have another good day today. You're doing better than me. I have nothing planned till Friday, but am determined not to just sit on the sofa all day thinking I should be doing something, but not getting round to it.

Whenever I go to clinic to get my DS weighed I'm the only person there, and they've told me that as he's putting on weight I only need come every 3/4 weeks.

What exactly do people do at M&B groups? Do you mean like NCT or postnatal groups meeting up for cofee? There is a 0-2 activity in the village hall which I saw advertised in the local paper so I'm trying to build up the nerve to go to that, but I'm a bit worried that if I go I'll be the only person who doesn't know anyone. I'm also worried that there will be singing & I'm tone deaf! I might brave it next week armed with some of Karen99's opening lines.

Sorry if I've hijacked the thread, but lots of things you've said strike a chord with me too.

mumof1

Hi mumof1. I'm still trying to find the courage to go to more m&b groups. The first one I went to was from 6mo-4yrs, but most of the children were walking and the mothers sat and chatted whilst they left their little ones to it. I tried talking to one mum and just got one word replies back. For some reason I went back the following week and the 'one word mum' actually smiled at me even though we didn't talk the rest of the morning! There was a new crawling baby there that week and I started chatting to her mum and we actually had a conversation. I have since not returned to that one 'cos it was a bit dusty and the toys obviously had never been cleaned so I found another one at a Church hall down the road. There are a few more babies there but again it's mostly walking toddlers. A group that is specifically from 0-2 sounds great. You'll meet other mums with babies the same age as yours and they will be doing the same things - not bouncing around and driving into you.

Where are you? Are there any MN meetups near you? My very first social outing with ds at 3mo was actually to an MN meetup! It felt like I'd already had some conversation with the girls and it was surprisingly easy to get to know each other as we already had something in common we could talk about - MN!

wellsie, he'll be crawling to you with open arms soon enough!

Let us know how the group is.

Group was good, I walked up with a mum who lives nearby and decided to tell her how I was feeling & guess what she is feeling the same! Why is it we put on this happy smiley face to each other when deep down we feel awful. It was great to talk to her.
The M&B group I go to is in a church hall. There are about 8 babies all under 6mths & about 6 toddlers. DS was very excited about being there that he didn't take his 2nd bottle very well, but nevermind (I'm sure he thinks milk comes out of his thumb!)
I did feel a bit sad when I left the group today cos' I realised how many friends I've made and that I'll soon be leaving them to start again in London.
Am now at home and feeling a bit blue . DS has had a broken sleep this lunchtime and is a bit grumpy although I've managed to get him off to sleep again.
Think I might have a cup of Camomile tea and trawl Mumsnet!
Bye for now
Wellsie

Hi Wellsie, it sounds like a nice group. The smaller numbers help aswell. It's so hard making the first move in a conversation - you were very brave and you got your reward . I think it's also a case of setting expectations. I thought I'd meet some mums and we'd start going round each other's houses etc. quite quickly. But the reality is that it takes time. I've met one mum at 'Twinkle Tunes', a music group on a Wed, for the last six weeks but we've only just arranged to go on a picnic together. I don't think we'll be bosom-buddies but it's company and our ds' are a few months apart.

As for the afternoons plan a particular task, eg. grocery shopping, hoovering, gardening etc. so you know what's to be done. As for ds' sleep they always get excited after interacting with other litte ones and then find it hard to drop off. Don't worry, the tiredness will eventually catch up with him and he will sleep.

And sorry about rambling! I always think I'm going to post something quickly and end up writing an essay. I just can't seem to summarise - sorry!

Hi Karen99, feeling a bit bad tonight. DS is overtired and neighbours are hammering in back garden (can't ask them to be quiet as they have a baby who obviously sleeps through anything!) We're currently having short but very loud bouts of screaming, DH & I have both been up to him trying to calm him but no luck - seems to make him worse.
Am feeling very tired at the mo but unable to relax due to noise!! Also, once DS is off to sleep I won't be able to relax just in case some other idiot decides to start banging.
I know I can't control my surroundings but I'm just praying for the dark nights again so that EVERYONE is quiet - Am I mad??

Oh wellsie. I've been away from the PC. Just checking in before bed. I know exactly what you mean - the worst for me at the moment are the bomb-fires and ds' room is filled with the smell before I realise (trying to give him a bit of fresh air!)

I haven't had a chance to look at your sleep threads so I don't know what your ds is like. Unfortunately they need to learn to resettle themselves when sleep's interrupted (easier said than done I know) but we found leaving ds for 5 mins to give him a chance before interviening helped. This even worked for naps. A few mins of grizzles and then he'd go quiet. If the banging is every night I think you have cause to approach your neighbours about it (baby or not). They [babes] do tend to get worse when they see you, or see you leave [again] is more like it.

If he continues to be unsettled it may be something else that's bothering him (if he generally sleeps through the night).

Will talk more tomorrow. Feel free to contact me via C.A.T if it'd help. [hugs]

Hello
Very unhappy today Have just been to clinic and have left in tears. HV has really upset me, she asked how I was and I told her I had been a bit wobbily and have been to the GP who has pushed the AntiD's again but told her I've decided not to take them, HV asked why and I gave my reasons and that seemed to satisfy her. Then I asked her about DS, said he was refusing solids and I was a bit concerned as he is now taking 9oz bottles and there are babies that are younger than him who are loving their solids, she told me not to be silly that they don't recommend solids before 6mths and if I'm so determined not to take AntiD's I should be as equally determined not to give my DS solids until 6mths - I felt like I'd been hit in the stomach, I did not see HV coming back at me like that, she even recoiled and said "bloody hell!"
This was not the end of it, I took a deep breath and told her that the reason I was probably feeling a bit down was because DH has got a job offer in London, she said, "Well London's not too far, I've got one mum who is having to move to Jordan." I wanted to say I don't care about your other Mum, she probably hasn't got PND. Then as I was leaving she said "reconsider taking the AntiD's because it's not just you you should be thinking about, you should be thinking about your DS & DH and how they're feeling."
Well, needless to say I was just about holding it together as I said goodbye, got to the car and just broke down in tears, am still upset now. Have told DH and he said to put in a complaint and also to get on Mumsnet and write it all down as it will make me feel better. I do feel a bit better for writing it down but the HV has made me feel so bad about the way I'm feeling, I've had a fleeting thought of if I do decide to do something stupid I'd blame her!! How awful is that.
Anyway, sorry to ramble on but just wanted to get it off my chest. Both DS & I are safe and I'm not going to do anything stupid.

wellsie, I've only just caught up with this, but it is exactly how I felt. Sounds like you are having a rough deal with HV. I felt worst with weaning too. I can remember one day when ds was crying to demonstrate what he thought of my lovingly made chicken stew, and I was bawling because he was refusing to eat my labour of love! It was a highly emotional time, and the food fights we had just really triggered it off.

I was lucky as my HV said "see your GP" and my GP said that some people came to her specifically to get anti-d's ... was I one of them? I said no, I was sure there were other options, so she referred me immediately to counselling. Eventually the counselling broke down, but that's because the counsellor kept it going too long. About 8 weeks was enough to make me realise again how important I was (not as in important because otherwise what would dp and ds do, but important because I should enjoy being myself and make a fuss of myself). Can you get counselling? It did work for me. Big hugs (((())))