Help a weepy Mum, PND??

[wellsie]

This maybe a long one - depending on how long DS sleeps!
DS is 4.5 months and a model baby, DH is an angel sent from heaven and the dog doesn't bark, so why do I feel so awful.
Woke up this morning and felt like every muscle in my body ached, I did not want to get out of bed, started to imagine what it would be like to be dead and flying with the angels (I'm not mad, just a bit dreamy sometimes). I had these feeling about 6 weeks ago and GP diagnosed an over active thyroid (mines normally underactive) and PND, she prescribed AntiD's and cut my dose in thyroxin, when I got home and read the side effects I decided not to take the AntiD's, anyway was feeling loads better and seemed to be coping but on Saturday I went to have my hair done and had a panic attack on the way home, since then I've become increasingly more wobbly, I look at my DS and wish he had a better mummy cos' this one just doesn't seem to have the strength to do the job. I'm starting to worry about everything and I can't imagine my life ever being the same again. It seemed such a good idea to have a baby but if I'm completely honest I wish I'd never done it (DH doesn't even know that). Please don't think of me being a bad mummy, I love my DS (he is the most handsome baby!) But today I'd like to give him back and I'd like to disappear.
Would really like to hear from anyone who has had the same feelings, had PND or a thyroid condition or anyone who might have some good advice.
Thanks.

I think I could get counselling, but everything just seems so pointless at the mo due to DH changing his job & us having to move, can't see the point in doing much at the mo apart from trawling Mumsnet.

When is the move planned for?

Beginning to mid-July.

wellsie - don't let the move put you off counselling. You can always begin to talk through the things making you feel low (moving being one of them?) and once you have raised these issues you can carry them through to another counsellor. It is important that you start working on yourself NOW ! I should imagine that you have at least a month - it is amazing what a months worth of counselling can do it is also frightening how much pnd can spiral in this time. Please consider talking to somone - you can then hopefully make the move to London in a stronger and more positive frame of mind. Ignore your hv sounds like she needs stuck off - so insensitive. Hugs xxxx

It sounds like good advice from Midden and Fisil.

Which part of London are you moving to?

Probably SW London, I have put a thread on Mumsnet asking about relocating to London and have got some useful info on places.

Wellsie - Wanted to add my name to the list of Mumsnetters who have suffered from PND. I suffered for 18mths before finding Mumsnet and going to my GP. It is an awful thing and a struggle, but 18mths on from that I feel 95% in control and I'm due my 2nd in 10wks. It DOES get better.

I didn't take AD's, my GP recommended homeopathic remedies which worked wonders for me. Have you thought of trying homeopathy? If PND resurfaces when my 2nd is born I will consider AD's and counselling if the homeopathic remedy doesn't work for me this time. I know how hard it is to try to struggle on unaided. And I know what a difference it makes to actually receive help and support in whatever form works for you.

Your HV was a right b*tch to you.... don't let it get you down anymore.... she was wrong to treat you like that. She sounds like my mother!

Half the battle is admitting it all to yourself and your family. Posting on MN really helps you think through things and sometimes it's enough of a shake to start to feel brighter.

Wellsie, I'm sorry you are having such a bad time. The sense of pointlessness is a symptom of pnd. If you really don't want to take anti-depressants, do try to get some counselling before you move. You can't go on like this.
If you are specifically worried about anti-depressants and breastfeeding, that might be an unnecessary worry - lots of mums breastfeed while taking medication, including Mumsnetters.
BTW your HV was tactless and insensitive, but really, don't worry about solids. Your ds really doesn't need them yet and trying to get him to take them when he may not be ready will only make things harder for your. Stick with the milk for the time being. You don't need more pressure.

Thank you for your messages, you're all so kind that it makes me cry - again!
Have spoken to my own HV this afternoon who was very supportive and has suggested coming round once a week for discussion on how I'm feeling, think this may help as she is very nice and understands that I don't want to try AntiD's - Yet. I also told her about the other HV and she was not impressed.
I think the reasons why I don't want to take AntiD's are as follows 1)Not sure if I really do have PND, 2)What if they make me feel worse, 3)What if I can't come off them, 4)What if I'm scared to come off them??????????????????
Would really like to try some homeopathic remedies but don't know where to start with this as GP wouldn't advise.
Anyway, thats it for now, still feel a bit flat but not sad.
Thank you so much, my DH has said that Mumsnet is like having lots of friends round but without the noise & mess.
Wellsie
x

Hi Wellsie glad you have a nice HV

hi welsie, so angry with that horrible hv!!! how dare she, and knowing you have pnd and are down, she should know better than to talk to you like that.

i have had a down day today. on the verge of tears but they wont come, i keep holding them back cos.... well i dont know why... just dont want to cry.

Dont feel sad about leaving your group, ask the mums for their addresses so you can write to them when you move, you will then be able to write to them, maybe the distraction of letter writting will help, also when they write back it will great to get a letter.

when you move, why not sort out a meet up with some mneters, who live in london/local.

Wellsie -sorry to take so long to reply re. question about AD. Yes, I think you can weather the storm without AD. For me, there was just no question of even considering them. I can't explain why, possibly frightened of being out of control on them, addicted, etc. I think you have to have some time to yourself during the day and for us, without family around, that's the hardest. I was lucky with DH. He would get in some nights from work and would literaly hand DD to him and be out the door, just for an hour, retail therapy, nappy buying, supermarket, just to clear my head and break the tie that I felt. I had never been answerable to any one in my life, very independent, straight talking, etc. I was 39 having DD and so I found this constant responsibility the hardest and also a lot of the time I just didn't enjoy being a mother. The first help I had was reading a book "Life after birth" by Kate Figes. In that book, I found out, for the first time (DD was about 8 mths) that other women had and were feeling like me. Relief, and that's when I realised that all the negative feelings, crazy thoughts, were being experienced by other women. Look at how so many of us here have got through it. You will be posting this time next year helping another mother, with or without having taken AD. Either way, you will be over the other side. Don't be so hard on yourself (that's what I did and it took me longer to reach out for the help that is there)

Sorry wellsie. Just re-read my message. Didn't want my ending to sound so harsh! Keep well - like the idea of spliting up the day. Suppose that's what I do with DS and as you know didn't have PND with him. So I think for me it worked.

Hi Wellsie,

Hope today is better. You seem to have a good HV. When mine comes she just wants to talk about my relationship with my mother. Whatever my problems are I don't think it is her fault!

The prescription for the ADs my GP gave me is just sitting there. I'm still holding off getting it dispensed and think am anti ADs for the same reason as you.I bought myself a pedometer yesterday so am going to try and walk myself better! Having said that I've been sitting here playing Solitare since 6am, and dipping into mumsnet. Fed son but had no breakfast myself.

Hope the house search is going ok. I work in South London near Vauxhall, and live in South Bucks on Chiltern line - Commute time is about an hour.

Tried to contact you via Contact another talker but your profile says no.

Take care

mumof1

Wellsie - Look in the phonebook/Web for a homeopath in your area. I'd say it's worth a try, even if it just makes you feel you are actively doing something to change the way you are feeling at the mo.

Hi mumof1, couldn't work out how to chnage my profile so have tried contacting you. Hopefully you'll get an e-mail - fingers crossed.
Isn't solitaire mind numbingly addictive! I have spent hours on it!
Toothache, will have a look in yellow pages today, many thanks.
Wellsie

Hi Wellsie, just a quick hello and to let you know I've been thinking of you. Try and enjoy the long weekend.

A quick google found this HTH

Wellsie, some of this may be due to your overactive thyroid. Would your gp not refer you to you local endocrine consultant, it may be that you'd be better off on drugs specifically for an overactive thyroid.

One of symptoms of an overactive thryoid is irritability - increasingly unable to cope with the demands and stresses of looking af young children, lose your temper frequently, abnormally sensitive to criticism, bursting into tears for no apparent reason.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not trying to say that you don't have PND, but just something else to consider.

My consultant told me when I was pg with dd2 (now 9 mths) that my hormone levels would decrease whilst I was pg, and possibly would even go underactive for a while, but after the birth the hormone levels would increase quite sharply - which is exactly what happened.

My thyroid has been overactive (Graves disease) for over 3 years now, and despite 2 or 3 attempts at stopping the medication, it has returned to being overactive each time. I am now back on medication (higher dose than previously) to get my hormone levels nearer to normal so that I can have an operation to remove some or all the the gland.

HTH

Hi Ailsa, I have Hashimoto's disease which is an underactive thyroid, my problem has been that since having DS it's gone overactive, underactive, overactive, underactive. Went to GP on Friday and she said I might be one of these people that has to take a different dose of thyroxine everyday - great!
I am desperately clinging to the hope that the way I'm feeling is due to my thyroid but only time will tell I guess.
Don't you think thyroid conditions are just the pits? Can't believe something can make you feel so bad.
Thanks for your posting.
Wellsie

hi welsie, just seeing how you are doing today.

Likewise..

Hello, I've had a good weekend and therefore I don't have PND - Right?! God I just wish I could feel like this all the time.
DH & I have taken DS into town, round to a friends and I've been out on my own and this time I didn't have a panic attack. So everything has been good.
I've started to taking some vitamin tablets and I bought some rose quartz as per thread I've seen on MN. Am really trying hard to make myself better, I don't want to be unwell.
Thanks for posting.
Wellsie
xx
P.S. If anyone knows any other natural ways to make PND go away keep me posted.

That's great Wellsie

I still have up and down weeks, but nothing like it was in those first few months. A long weekend is such a help as you can get out and about with dh and have 100% support from him. My dh has taken the odd Friday or Monday off so we've had several 'long weekends' already this year. We can't afford a big holiday and my bil is getting married in Aug, so we're considering that as our break. This leaves dh with lots of annual leave to take. Hope you have more 'long weekends' too.

Glad you're feeling better Wellsie. I hate having thyroid problems, I can't wait to have the op, don't know when it'll be. I'm hoping that it will be sorted then, but I have been warned that after the op I could be underactive, more bloody pills - at least they'll be free!