So, I want DD (6) to open her stocking with me and DH, not DGranny

[KatyS36]

Hello all,

I'm wanting a bit of a sounding board and some advice on how to handle this.

DD is 6. She is the best thing I have ever done. Due to secondary infertility (and age, mine) she will be my only child.

My DM (DD's DGranny) lives at the other end of the country, so for DD seeing granny is always very exciting. DM is brilliant at playing with DD, but not very good at looking after her (we get her back the moment she is tired, hungry, cross etc etc).

My relationship with my mum is ok but not great. I've struggled ever since having DD as we have such different approaches to parenting. Whilst my mum would never mean to upset anyone, she is very low on emotional intelligence. This is how it is and I've accepted this. I feel that I've done everything I reasonably can to give DD a good relationship with her Granny.

DD opening her Christmas stocking is to me one of the highlights of Christmas, and of parenting, and something that to me is our treat as her parents. This year we will be staying with my mum again for Christmas (flights already booked). When we last stayed two years ago (we rotate between my mum and DH parents) on Christmas morning my mum went 'look DD, your stocking' and opened it all with her. I felt ignored, shut out and very very upset. DM was totally oblivious of this.

So, this year I want to talk to my mum about this prior to Christmas. can anyone suggest how to approach this, or maybe, very gently, a little AIBU?

I have no problem my mum doing nice things with DD over Christmas, I just feel her stocking is our treat as her parents. DM had this with me when I was little, and now its our turn with DD.

Any advice?

Thanks

Katy

My brother and I were not over-indulged as children, but we each had two stockings, one from parents and one from grandparents (my mother's parents, my paternal grandmother died when I was very small and we hardly knew my grandfather).
Why not have two stockings?

Mine will be opening their stockings in their rooms, so I can hopefully get to lie in bed until about 430 am instead of 330 am...

I think you may be projecting some of your issues with your DM onto what is essentially a non issue...let DD open it wiith whoever she wants?

I think maybe your issues with your dm are making this into much more of a thing than it actually is. I'm sure you would all have a much nicer christmas if you relax and go with the flow instead of trying to control every aspect.

There was a thread on here the other day about how children remember the simple things I think an example was given of a child who went to Florida over the summer holidays said the best part of the simmer was a trip to McDonald's.

You can't manafacture memories.

I feel for the OP in that she is obviously been trying, and judging by the intention to visit, very largely succeeding, not to allow her own problems with her mother to influence a grandmother's relationship with her granddaughter. It seems to me it's often not the things one might expect which trigger thoughts and feelings we know deep down to be illogical or even unkind in objective terms and which we would criticise in others - I've seen it with my sister and her SIL - and it sounds as though that is the case here.

However I think if I were the OP and had made such a very difficult but successful effort not to spoil the relationship between DD and GM, I would be concerned that all that effort might go to waste if DD felt the tension and unhappiness about this issue. I think children do pick up such things quickly - I know my sister's children have picked up the tension in that SIL relationship despite her trying for her DH's sake not to say or do anything which might betray her real feelings. I think what I'm saying is that Katy having gritted her teeth and overcome so many obvious problems and feelings about her DM, it would be a real pity to let this one spoil anything. I do think the stocking for GM sounds a great idea. Apart from that, what about thinking of something new and special and Christmassy to be done as a threesome before or after the visit to GM which would assume as much importance and be as special as the stocking and just be for DD and parents? How about a visit to "Father Christmas" in a really good shop? Or even something less to do with Christmas but still seasonal like a panto?