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Original poster

So, I want DD (6) to open her stocking with me and DH, not DGranny

79 replies

KatyS36 · 01/12/2015 14:53

Hello all,

I'm wanting a bit of a sounding board and some advice on how to handle this.

DD is 6. She is the best thing I have ever done. Due to secondary infertility (and age, mine) she will be my only child.

My DM (DD's DGranny) lives at the other end of the country, so for DD seeing granny is always very exciting. DM is brilliant at playing with DD, but not very good at looking after her (we get her back the moment she is tired, hungry, cross etc etc).

My relationship with my mum is ok but not great. I've struggled ever since having DD as we have such different approaches to parenting. Whilst my mum would never mean to upset anyone, she is very low on emotional intelligence. This is how it is and I've accepted this. I feel that I've done everything I reasonably can to give DD a good relationship with her Granny.

DD opening her Christmas stocking is to me one of the highlights of Christmas, and of parenting, and something that to me is our treat as her parents. This year we will be staying with my mum again for Christmas (flights already booked). When we last stayed two years ago (we rotate between my mum and DH parents) on Christmas morning my mum went 'look DD, your stocking' and opened it all with her. I felt ignored, shut out and very very upset. DM was totally oblivious of this.

So, this year I want to talk to my mum about this prior to Christmas. can anyone suggest how to approach this, or maybe, very gently, a little AIBU?

I have no problem my mum doing nice things with DD over Christmas, I just feel her stocking is our treat as her parents. DM had this with me when I was little, and now its our turn with DD.

Any advice?

Thanks

Katy

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flowery · 02/12/2015 08:43

"Christmas morning my mum went 'look DD, your stocking' and opened it all with her. I felt ignored, shut out and very very upset."

I'm assuming, surely, that the OP must have been still asleep or something, rather than in the room as well?

If you don't want to share Christmas moments with grandparents, don't spend Christmas with them.

My parents are staying with us for Christmas. DC stockings are hung by the fireplace downstairs, and we'll all go into the room together. Having grandparents there doesn't diminish all our enjoyment of the moment. And neither does the fact that there are two DC, rather than one. Hmm

Floggingmolly · 02/12/2015 08:44

Well of course it is, Doreen, sorry I was responding to whoever said "get Grandma to give her another stocking on Boxing Day".

Original poster
KatyS36 · 02/12/2015 09:36

Hi all,

Thanks for your responses,it's helped me think it all through.

The can't we all share responses have made me realise this is about dm, not the stocking. if we were having Christmas with dmil, then of course we could. In fact we probably did last year. I can't remember, it was lovely.

My relationship with my mum is difficult and complex. If I'm honest I often don't enjoy her company. There is a massive back story, which could out me and I don't want to share here. Difficult and complex sums it up pretty accurately. I didn't intend to drip feed, I didn't realise this was the problem re this until now.

I feel that I have, in general, bent over backward, under difficult circumstances, to facilitate a good relationship between dd and dm. And I've largely succeeded whilst keeping my sanity intact.

The stocking two years ago was just the thing that tipped it too far and was my personal breaking point.

Thanks for the practical suggestions,

Katy

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LucyLocketLostHerPocket · 02/12/2015 10:55

I completely get you on this. Every year we host Christmas as we have the biggest house etc and it's all very jolly but the first hour on Christmas morning is stocking opening in our bedroom and that is private, just us and DC time, it's sacrosanct.

disappoint15 · 02/12/2015 11:01

The most interesting thing about this is the different family ideas about stockings. In our family, Father Christmas visits the children in their rooms and leaves small presents in a stocking. The children wake stupidly early and open them in their rooms. Father Christmas doesn't bring any big presents. Those are all from family members. Stocking opening is to give the parents a chance to stay in bed and ramp up the excitement for small children.

Jw35 · 02/12/2015 11:37

I think you should stay at home for Xmas and visit DM another time of year.

I don't get the stocking thing either! Santa leaves it on the bed and I don't see dd open it! I see her open the presents under the tree a bit later.

OhPuddleducks · 02/12/2015 11:45

Is there another little tradition you could start that is just for you and her, eg a Christmas Eve box with new pjs, a mug for hot choc and a little ornament for the tree. Something you could do with her yourself instead of the stocking? I do understand what you mean but also think it's difficult to engineer Christmas when you factor in other people. Emotions are running high, people are under pressure to have a brilliant day etc, so I think the more you can go with the flow, the easier.

Millionprammiles · 02/12/2015 12:03

I don't get on with my mother and don't see her often. I still think you should give your DM a break and just let her share the stocking with you.

You have a lot more time and memories with your child than your DM will ever have. What's a few moments on Xmas day?

Personally I don't think its the 'event' moments (birthdays, stockings etc) that are important anyway. The treasured memories for me are the silly little daily things that happen spontaneously.

heavens2betsy · 02/12/2015 12:13

Stop being so precious
The stocking is for your dd not for you and she should be able to open it with who she wants.
If you want to be included then fine - ask them to make sure they wake you up before the presents are opened.
Like a pp said if you want private family time then stay at home

Floggingmolly · 02/12/2015 12:39

Tbh, if your relationship with your mother is so difficult, I can't really understand why you're spending the Christmas holiday with her?
Staying in her house, but trying to dictate which room she enters and when, lest she see her granddaughter having fun at the time that it's reserved for you...

Have you considered you may actually be hindering your dd's fun as well? She's obviously more than happy to have her grandmother there.

LucyLocketLostHerPocket · 02/12/2015 15:27

Stockings are the little bits and bobs that Santa leaves in their bedrooms. We all have one and it's our best part of Christmas all snuggling in bed first thing to open. Big presents from us and family are downstairs under the tree.

fuzzpig · 02/12/2015 15:30

Personally I don't think its the 'event' moments (birthdays, stockings etc) that are important anyway. The treasured memories for me are the silly little daily things that happen spontaneously.

Totally agree with this. It's the everyday stuff that families are really built on IME

Original poster
KatyS36 · 02/12/2015 17:42

Interesting thoughts.

Thinking some more going to my mums for Christmas is the right thing to do, when all our families circumstances are considered.

Thinking about Christmas with my mum as a whole there are many great things about it which everyone enjoys.

For me there is one massive flash point the stocking. I've been wondering if I'm being precious about it and I've decided I probably am, but it's the only Christmas thing that I am precious over. Totally happy (and do) share pretty much all the other Christmas stuff.

Realising this is a flash point for me I'm trying to sort out an approach, in advance, to handle this. Many thanks to those of you who offered constructive advice.
Katy

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 02/12/2015 17:49

Make a stocking for your mother so she's busy with that.

flowery · 02/12/2015 17:55

I don't think it's precious to be disappointed about them opening DDs stocking without you there last time. Assuming that's what happened of course.

I do think it's precious not to want Granny in the room while it happens this time. So IMO your approach in terms of handling this needs to be about how to make sure DD doesn't open the stocking without you, not how to keep Granny away, as you've chosen to spend Christmas with her.

waterrat · 02/12/2015 20:26

I really understand op. I think.its probably that the way she acted by not considering whether you wanted to be in the middle.of thing when the stocking was opened (especially as they were all gifts you had chosen) triggered deeper feelings...ie. made you angry about your relationship with her and how she treats you as a parent more generally.

Maybe it reminded you that she often doesn't consider your feelings.

OddBoots · 02/12/2015 20:34

How would your DM react if you asked her to take charge of photographing/videoing the stocking opening, then you would be free to interact with your DD.

scarednoob · 02/12/2015 21:15

Just to chuck in a different tradition - We always had stockings at the end of the day when we were ready for bed.

If we were somewhere else, like at a grandparent's house, and there was a large present like a swing set, Santa knew to deliver it to our house. Maybe he could do that with the stocking?

I think Christmases with little children are so precious, you are only going to have a handful of them. If you've set your heart on it being just the 3 of you, I would:

  • be open with my mum, explaining in particular that I was trying to replicate her treat for me
  • not have it as the first thing my child saw, so that my mum didn't miss that magical excitement
  • "find" it at bedtime together as an end of day private treat

Just another suggestion! Whatever you do, enjoy.

TheGullibleGull · 03/12/2015 06:08

Just lock the bedroom door so your DM won't get a glimpse of the sacred stocking ritual. Simples.

OneMoreCasualty · 03/12/2015 06:37

I stay at my mum's for Xmas but she doesn't come in on the stocking. If she did and it's not what DH and I wanted, i would say, "mum, do you mind if it's just the three of us for the stockings" and that would be no problem. She has little things like saving a bit of her tree for DC to do.

I'm guessing such a request wouldn't be simple for you,

Mehitabel6 · 03/12/2015 06:58

I would just get DC to hang her stocking in your room and then she has to come through to find it when she wakes and it is the obvious place to open it.

LocatingLocatingLocating · 03/12/2015 07:16

I'm another one in the 'stockings are to allow me a lie-in/buy some time if the DCs wake up ridiculously early' camp.

I genuinely thought this was as a common thing, and that main presents are the ones that everyone is there for the opening of.

Floggingmolly · 03/12/2015 08:21

What in the name of God do you people put in the stockings; that they're for your eyes only? It's a stocking full of tat, that young kids get disproportionally excited about, but why would you limit the audience for that Confused

Why is it more special when you exclude everyone else? Genuinely don't understand that mindset.
"Put it in your bedroom so she can't get in"... ffs, why?? and it's her fucking house!

ladyvimes · 03/12/2015 08:31

When we stay at my in-laws for christmas the children bring their stockings into our bedroom and we open them together then take them downstairs for family presents. Sometime my sister-in-law joins us in bed but we don't mind a bit. I wouldn't mind if my in-laws wanted to join in too - the more the merrier.

Why can you not sit directly next to your daughter and share the moment with her and your DM? Is it really that big a deal?

ladyvimes · 03/12/2015 08:32

And when we were kids we were not allowed to open our stockings until my grandma and grandad had gotten up (we were allowed to wake them) and then we all shared the time together. It was lovely.