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Original poster

So, I want DD (6) to open her stocking with me and DH, not DGranny

79 replies

KatyS36 · 01/12/2015 14:53

Hello all,

I'm wanting a bit of a sounding board and some advice on how to handle this.

DD is 6. She is the best thing I have ever done. Due to secondary infertility (and age, mine) she will be my only child.

My DM (DD's DGranny) lives at the other end of the country, so for DD seeing granny is always very exciting. DM is brilliant at playing with DD, but not very good at looking after her (we get her back the moment she is tired, hungry, cross etc etc).

My relationship with my mum is ok but not great. I've struggled ever since having DD as we have such different approaches to parenting. Whilst my mum would never mean to upset anyone, she is very low on emotional intelligence. This is how it is and I've accepted this. I feel that I've done everything I reasonably can to give DD a good relationship with her Granny.

DD opening her Christmas stocking is to me one of the highlights of Christmas, and of parenting, and something that to me is our treat as her parents. This year we will be staying with my mum again for Christmas (flights already booked). When we last stayed two years ago (we rotate between my mum and DH parents) on Christmas morning my mum went 'look DD, your stocking' and opened it all with her. I felt ignored, shut out and very very upset. DM was totally oblivious of this.

So, this year I want to talk to my mum about this prior to Christmas. can anyone suggest how to approach this, or maybe, very gently, a little AIBU?

I have no problem my mum doing nice things with DD over Christmas, I just feel her stocking is our treat as her parents. DM had this with me when I was little, and now its our turn with DD.

Any advice?

Thanks

Katy

OP posts:

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BackInTheRealWorld · 02/12/2015 00:53

If you do not want your mum to share these Christmas moments then it's probably a little silly and rude to be spending Christmas at your mothers home.

Nanofone · 02/12/2015 00:58

Exactly as Realworld says! If you want to selfishly exclude Granny, don't stay with her.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 02/12/2015 06:50

OP, you are being OTT, precious and unfair. Why on earth should your dd not get her wish if she says she wants Granny to be there for the grand-stocking-opening? (Not quite sure, like PP, where the extreme significance of this moment comes from). Isn't it about her, after all, not you?

What your attitude reminds me of, a little, is my mother's insistence that someone who was very important indeed to me but she really didn't like for no good reason (being deliberately vague here) not be invited to attend my graduation alongside her because 'I paid for your degree, so it's my day'.

This is clearly about your relationship with your mother, and you are focusing a lot of complaints and emotions on this ritual. That's perhaps understandable, but it's not fair on your dd.

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6 year olds Christmas Events & celebrations Families

amitho · 02/12/2015 06:53

You are very lucky to have a DM who wants to share such a nice moment with your dd. I would absolutely love my own DM to care that much.

It takes a village to raise a child - you need to let other people do things with your dd for her own emotional intelligence.

amitho · 02/12/2015 06:56

I think this has nothing to do with your dd and everything to do with how your mother makes you feel. Break the cycle!

Jollyjogger · 02/12/2015 07:01

Tell your DD to come and get you beforehand

Tell your mum that you want to see her open the sticking and to come aNd gret you.

wannabestressfree · 02/12/2015 07:02

Sorry I agree with the others I think its just as mean to exclude your mum. If you feel that strongly don't go...

DaphneGaffney · 02/12/2015 07:07

Can't you just all open it together? When we are at my parents us and DC all pile into my parents room and sit on the end of the bed while DC open their stockings (getting increasingly difficult now DC are getting bigger ) - it's all part of the fun. Mum and Dad get to see what they've got and it's a lovely family time.

You do sound a bit precious TBH. Your mum was completely out of order about doing the stocking without you, I'd have been furious BUT your aim this year is to see your dd open her stocking, deliberately excluding grandma from it seems like you want to 'punish' her and seems a bit churlish. Just make sure your dd knows that her stocking must be opened with you (you could say something to do with Santa likes parents to see you opening all the great things he's bought etc) but that's it.

MythicalKings · 02/12/2015 07:07

Its just the stocking thing really upset me, as I feel this is mine and DHs to enjoy. Its unfortunately not something I feel we can share with DM.

I think you need to reconsider this selfish attitude. Fair enough that she doesn't just open it with Granny but to deliberately exclude Granny is horrible. Is she supposed to stand on the landing and wait until you've finished. Will you throw her out of the room if DD wants her there?

An awful start to a day that's meant to be about families.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 02/12/2015 07:12

I'm confused. How does having your DM there with you, watching the stocking opening alongside you, diminish your enjoyment of it?

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 02/12/2015 07:16

Fast forward 20 years, imagine how you'll feel if your DD has children, your only grandchildren, and decides to exclude you from precious family moments. Why not try and break this cycle of competing for DD's attention now and try to enjoy the moment together? Some of my most treasured memories are Christmas Days spent at my grandparents house.

Believeitornot · 02/12/2015 07:17

When it comes to the stocking opening, sit with your dd.

You are being unrealistic to expect a little family moment when you're at your DM's home - you can't rudely ignore her. If you want a small family Christmas then you stay at home.

I know what you mean about wanting something special with the core family - something I'm keen to replicate myself but I have to accept that actually we have a wider family and what we do on Christmas Day is about sharing. So we have family moments at other times. Next year I'm insisting on Christmas at home with people coming to us if they want to.

merrymouse · 02/12/2015 07:24

I think it's fine to engineer the stocking opening so that it happens first thing before everyone has got up.

However, stopping your DD from opening her stocking with granny is overly controlling if that is what she wants to do.

Given the length of the Christmas season it should be possible to create plenty of traditions that are just for you and your daughter.

Chrisinthemorning · 02/12/2015 07:31

I understand where you're coming from and think it's lovely to have a bit of time the 3 of you in your bed before Christmas Day properly gets going.
My mum does DS a Boxing Day stocking, from her, not Santa- do you stay until Boxing Day? Could you suggest this? Or ask her to do your DD a Christmas Eve box.
DS is the only grandchild and I'm an only too, so I understand how this has come about, we're just lucky that family are local and can just come for the day.

SconeForAStroll · 02/12/2015 07:42

I think there is something deeper going on here, in terms of your relationship with your mum, than just the stockings.

Our family didn't do stockings at all at Christmas when we were growing up, and no presents were allowed to be opened until my grandad had finished milking at about 10am. As a result, I overcompensate with my own DC.

So, I am wondering what it was about your own childhood that makes this particular activity so precious that it can't be shared.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 02/12/2015 08:03

We did stockings ithout FIL last year. We told them that he was tired after midnight mass and not to wake him. Before I get flamed he was left out because the previous year he had spent the whole time muttering about how he had only had a orange and a sixpence in his stocking. His parents couldn't afford things after the great depression and come the war even the oranges stopped. He also asked me where I had got some of the stocking fillers. Whilst oral history is important these are themes which he regularly discusses and we didn't want rerun last year. As it is last year will have been the last year that 2/3 believed in FC. We wanted to save that magic. He still got to say his piece when we gave them presents from us later. (for reference each child has 100 pounds spent on them(stockings and main) and that includes pj, blankets etc more than a sixpence and an orange but hardly excessive).

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 02/12/2015 08:15

Sounds like DGM wasnt watching but joining in.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 02/12/2015 08:23

There has to be something more going on than just a grandmother enjoying being with her (presumably also only) grandchild on Christmas morning.

Because, otherwise, dear God in heaven, we have the most selfish OP I think I've ever seen.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 02/12/2015 08:27

Because I only have one child as well. (what does your fertility have to do with Christmas stockings? )

I also think the fact that your child herself might well, in your own words, say she would like to open the stocking with Granny, should perhaps be taken into consideration.

Surely, if you want to apply any relevance to the fact your daughter is an only child (although as an only child of an only child with an only child, I wouldn't personally) then the relevance should be that the more people around to see her opening her stocking and making memories of the most magical Christmas years, should be it.

This is weirdness itself.

DoreenLethal · 02/12/2015 08:29

Why don't you leave one stocking at home for Santa to fill whilst you are away then you get a worst case scenario stocking on your return?

Floggingmolly · 02/12/2015 08:31

The answer to this is definitely not to "have two" stockings How ridiculous is that?

Only1scoop · 02/12/2015 08:32

I find it a little weird.

You seem to have a few issues for whatever reason with your DM.

Be guided by your dd.

Don't try and be controlling over a Christmas sticking. How joyless.

All watch ....join in....

Only1scoop · 02/12/2015 08:32

'Stocking'

DorynownotFloundering · 02/12/2015 08:36

How about getting DD to bring her stocking in & prime DM to make a cuppa for you all & bringing it into your room so you can all share together . We used to top & tail & all watch sleepily best part of the day!

DoreenLethal · 02/12/2015 08:38

The answer to this is definitely not to "have two" stockings hmm How ridiculous is that?

Having two is less ridiculous than being so upset that a kid opens a stocking every two years with their granny.

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