Preschool issues and general worries.

[PearSoup]

DD, almost 4, has always been very....sensitive. She is often shy and can be very defensive in situations she feels uncomfortable in. She is very bright and can be out going when she feels safe.

She is very attached to me and if she hurts herself or is upset only I seem to be able to soothe her. If someone else tries to help her when she falls for example she is liable to lash out verbally (shrieks at them) or physically (kicks her legs). She has recently had an ear infection and she wouldn't even talk to DH for a week! She would only communicate with me. If she wakes in the night I have to settle her as anyone else attempting it leads to hysteria.

She still regularly throws tantrums and they can seem endless at times but I do think they mostly seem to coincide with illness/tiredness. She lashes out a lot. Not at other children but at me and DH.

She is very verbal! No communication issues that I am concerned about.

She has been going to preschool two mornings a week since September. Last week she suddenly got very upset at drop off and wouldn't let me leave her. She was hysterical. Same this morning. Her only explanation is that she wants to be with me.

Really not sure what to do for the best. On one hand I am at home with baby so I don't really NEED her to go but on the other I am worries she will miss out .

Not sure what I am asking for ....

Push her to go and leave her crying (not sure I actually can bring myself to do that anyway) or keep her with me and hope she takes to school better when the time comes?

It is very unusual for a child not to speak to one of their parents for a whole week, even if unwell.
The physical lashing out is also a concern as that wouldn't be accepted at school.
What are the consequences when she does these things, are there any?
I think you should persevere with the pre school personally, with lots of focus and positive attention on rewarding her for not among a fuss about it.
I would also start to make sure she has 1-1 time with dad every week, there is a dads and kids playgroup on Saturdays where we are, something like that.

Good luck

Thanks for the reply.

If she lashes out at either of us she is picked up and moved to another room. We tell her that hitting or kicking is not acceptable and that she can come back when she has calmed down and apologises. If it happens when we are out she gets a warning and then we leave.

When she is well she LOVES being with DH and they have great fun together. He is very hands on. They have 1-1 time daily. When she is unwell she is almost like a different child. Very Jekyl and Hyde.

Oh god I remember the Xmas when my daughter had tonsilitis and she was sheer hell. If it's just when she is ill I wouldn't worry. Persevere with the playgroup for a it longer with a big star chart and lots of talk about what a big girl she is and how proud you are of her etc.

Oh yes tonsillitis has been a nightmare. We had to get them removed in the summer!

Push her to go. You will Probably find that one day she suddenly clicks when she realises it's not that bad! X

It had been going so well! The thing is with pushing her she just gets hysterical so quickly. The staff don't have chance to distract her. She won't be comforted by them.

How does she do at preschool on the days she is happy to go? Does she have friends their? Can staff comfort her if she's upset? Do they have any concerns?

They have no concerns and were surprised she was so upset. She only goes twice a week so although she has been playing and seeming to mostly enjoy it she doesn't have any good friends there.

We go to a lot of toddler groups and she sees children there that she is much closer to.

I have a 3.5 year old...I think the wanting you for comfort is v normal and my son is a totally different character when ill. They regress so much. Could the nursery leaving be related to that.
?

It may not be what you want to hear but I think absolutely vital that she goes to pre school. ..I found it hard leaving my son too but this is an age where they need to learn to build relationships with other children without parents being involved. School is going to be a huge leap from two mornings a week...it will be more children and less adults.

I wpuld actually suggest increasing nursery to three mornings so that she has a better chance to make friends

We had thought about uppingher preschool time from Easter but it is going to be tricky if I can't even get her to stay for her two mornings.

That sounds really tough. My daughter loved preschool and went 5 mornings a week but when she started school staying all day was a big shock for her. She is now in year 1 and still finds it hard :( she also will only be comforted by me, and said she sometimes "needs" me at school and I'm not there :( I don't know what to suggest but I'll be watching this thread with interest

Just out of interest - how long ago was baby born?

oh that sounds hard Poppy. It's awful thinking of them so upset.

Baby is just shy of a year old.

we had the fine to go then a sudden i dont want to one morning. luckily she was fine the next drop off. dd has also been very ill.
she had realised from something i said i had gone out with the 4m old.
i agree with others about a sticker chart.
i guess your dd just needs time, but i would specifically get your dh to do as much with her as possible to reinforce that it wont always be mummy. or even get GP to take her.
i think she is old enough to understand that it may not always be mummy. so i would let her tantrum if dad goes in at night. but just reason with her.
with the not speaking to him, it would be fine, but you then wont be able to ask for anything you want...so i guess lots of leaving her with him and trips.
but i expect most kids want their mum if they feel off. ive kept dd off 5 days already this yr as i sent her with a temp which turned out to be hfm, thinking it was a reaction to mmr.
i also feel pressure about sorting her behaviour by school next year.

why wait till easter to increase the hours - as you arent using the 15h on 2 mornings.
as people seem to say it takes a while to settle in and so longer the less time its for.
we are doing 14hr, 7 per day. and i felt they were expecting too much when they were commenting about how she would setgle at school as she had only done like 10 days, which would be like only 2w :)