Kathryn Mewes: The supernanny who is now a struggling mum

[MummRaaa]

This is quite a sad article, though part of me does want to say, "so it's not as easy as it looks then, love?!"

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/mother-tongue/11977203/Kathryn-Mewes-The-supernanny-who-is-now-a-struggling-mum.html

I don't agree with her methods at all but equally I wouldn't slate/judge her. I feel bloody sorry for her having to sound coherent in the national press; when DD was 10 weeks I practically threw myself a party for knowing what day of the week it was! Another one here who thinks this article seems more about her need to be utterly in control (in keeping with her brand I suppose). If she thinks the baby will sleep through every night from now on I suspect she's sorely mistaken; hopefully she will soften up a bit and learn to trust herself a bit more.
I definitely have no leg to stand on though as my littlun (3 years old) still doesn't sleep through the night unless she's co-sleeping (aka wriggling around all night like a fish, pulling my hair and draping her legs over my face wildly bloody annoying ) so I obviously didn't get it right either! Somewhere in between there is a lovely middle ground...maybe I'll find it next time...

Spot on, tiktok. I know my mum had to spend an entire night without me in hospital (70s), unable to feed, even though her milk had just come in and she was just about exploding in agony. I guess newborn me was screaming my guts out in the hospital nursery! The four-hourly 'routine' lasted only as long as she was forced to do it in hospital.

Her best bet would be going with it and being more tuned in and led by the baby

This advice always makes me laugh. I truly believed it, I didn't read any books in pregnancy because my instincts would know what to do. I couldn't have been more wrong - apparently I have no instincts! Poor kiddo would just be getting more upset whilst I guessed badly at what was wrong.

The baby whisperer saved my life. Different strokes and all that.

No one is saying she shouldn't get help in if she needs it. Posters are judging letting her baby be be 'sleep trained' at two week old until they sleep through until 8 am.

As an aside my sister was a nanny. She never failed to mention how easy I had it with only two dds to look after whilst she had three children in her job. I tried to explain how different it is when you also haven't had a full nights sleep for years and the emotional effects of being a mum but she wasn't having may if it.
When she had her own dd she was a total mess for the first year, the shock was awful for her.

I think part of the problem is is that she is trying to use the advice she gives to the families that she helps, who have much older children. Yes when they are old enough to know, put them to bed and leave them to it if you must (and unfortunately it'd always the parents fault for instilling bad/no routines around bedtime) but you cannot apply this to a newborn baby at all! It's not the same. I think she thinks she needs to practise what she preaches without taking into account the age differences.

I was very much not one to run instantly to my babies and needed them to be able to self settle, not be rocked or rely on something to help them sleep, but not at this age and I couldn't leave them to cry like that. I do think her approach to hiring someone for her 2 week old and just going out is wrong. I think she is possibly completely overwhelmed by becoming a mother and is trying to handle it as she would any family she was helping.

In the beginning, DH was very much of the opinion that once we got home, our life would carry on as normal and baby would fit into that. It took me a long time to get him out of that mindframe as I'd always put the baby first then see to whatever else after. He did get it after but it really frustrated me at the time. I think that is what Kathryn is doing, she thinks her life will go on and this little person will fit around her housework and nails.

She'll adapt. If having a professional around calms her down enough to actually be able to be at ease with her new life and child, then that is a good thing.

As an aside: there are, sadly, hundreds of babies out there who received very poor care in their first 6 months. DH did some reading and said he thought the overall finding was that these deficits could be overcome as long as the babies received consistently improved care after that formative period, whereas babies who still weren't cared for adequately after 6 months tended to have lifelong difficulties (ranging from minor to major). I don't have this research to hand but he's a scientific academic and tends to go for reputable sources.

My point is that sad as it sounds to those who had good attachments right away, Kathryn's child is not necessarily done in for life. Kathryn will probably calm down and cope better as a result of having delegated some responsibility, her DD will respond well to the increased attention and it'll be a glorious positive cycle which will (hopefully) end up with them being very close in years to come.

Methinks that baby will be writing a bitter memoir in 30 years time.

I feel bloody sorry for her having to sound coherent in the national press;

Save your pity.
No ones got a gun to her head, it's HER CHOICE to court media attention for her own gain.

I loved the early days, breastfeeding in PJs on the sofa whilst studying my DD's beautiful face. The idea of not wanting to cuddle her or give her attention when she needed something confuses me greatly, I used to hope she'd wake up so I could spend more time with her.

A new mum deliberately ignoring such a tiny baby's needs, I'd be wondering whether there are attachment or even neglect issues.

Bloody hell, if wealthy women with access to "expert" help are still being taught such nonsense about breastfeeding that they have to stop, then what chance do ordinary women have?

LaContessa, your dh has been reading Rutter, by the sound of it.....really interesting stuff on the Romanian babies in the orphanages. He and his team found that serious neglect could be turned around as long as the babies were given remedial care in foster/adoptive families by the age of eight months....families who understood attachment and who were prepared to do all the usual things to nurture it were essential. And yes, those babies were more likely to thrive emotionally and in every other way as they grew. The risk of serious problems increased, the longer the babies had been left in those surroundings.

I don't think anyone thinks that a baby who is otherwise well cared-for is certainly doomed if the baby is sleep-trained at a few weeks. But the sleep-training at this young age, and the refusal to respond, may be indicative of attachment issues (which KM describes when she says she could not bond with her baby), and these can persist - of course they may lessen in time, or the baby may adapt and become able to cope, or may attach to someone else. The mother suffers, in not feeling able/willing to be responsive. The toddler and teen years may be more difficult than otherwise, without that good foundation.

Her baby was in distress. She was not comforted. Does it matter if we are not sure if the effects are not long-lasting? In that moment, it was painful for her baby, and from what it sounds, painful for her.

I admire her for admitting she was critical of other mothers and thought it was easy before she had her own. It must have been hard admitting that given the job she's got. I think she felt the irony of it when she says she didn't want to be seen out.

I too thought wow at getting the night nanny in so early. Two weeks is no time and everyone knows those first few months are tough, babies cry a lot and you just get through them. I felt she wanted this perfect baby abit soon, perhaps without trying too hard herself. However, I never felt that lack of bond with my child and that desperation and anxiety despite it being tough so perhaps it was better for her to get the night nanny so quickly before she potentially fell into PND.

I wonder what will happen with her career now though! Will parents still want her help and value it given what she's admitted?

When I had PND after the birth of ds2 the local perinatal mh team offered a night nurse service. One of the reasons for this is that for people with a susceptibility to severe depression, the normal lack of sleep that comes with a newborn can be actively dangerous.

Years on and as psychologically healthy as anyone ever needs to be, I know now that a lack of sleep is the NUMBER one trigger for my mood to plummet.

As someone who was very committed to bfing and co-sleeping and all of that, I absolutely understand the faces about early sleep training and I would once have been incredibly judgemental about it. Now, I think it very much depends on the situation. I think some people really do cope very poorly without sleep and it is more detrimental to their ability to respond to their child overall not to have some sort of routine.

I wasn't allowed out of hospital until my DS1 could go 4 hours between feeds, and that was 8 years ago! It was hellish. He didn't do it until he was about 3 months old. I had to forcibly discharge myself. And I didn't bond with him for a long time. By the time my DS2 was born, in a different hospital, the midwives encouraged demand feeding. I slept better, he slept better, I bonded with him almost immediately.

I was born in the 70's. My DM knows almost nothing about breastfeeding, even though she did it for the first 3 months. She was horrified that I didn't top up with water or formula. She was even more horrified that I was still doing it at 4 months. Just because it was done in the 70's doesn't mean it was all fine.

tiktok I understand what you're saying but I'd rather not think about how my boys might be worse off later because I had a hard time adapting to their presence at first. It makes me anxious and there is nothing I can do about it, other than continue to try and display love even if I often don't feel it.

I think to tell a new mother who is struggling of the potential dangers that she is exposing her child to - well, that seems pointless to me, because she's just going to worry about that as well and feel guilty and angry at the baby and guilty for feeling angry at the baby and there will be even more pressure to pretend REALLY WELL that she loves it..... etc, etc.

I do understand your points and it is sad that the situation developed as it did in Kathryn's case. However, I don't know if any of us can do anything to MAKE ourselves love our babies. Some do automatically (lucky them), others (me included) learn it as they go. As long as we do realise that we need to keep trying, then I think that is the main thing.

LaContessa, just to reassure you a bit (I'm training in all this stuff these days!), 1 in 5 mothers will have some sort of baby bonding difficulty and for the overwhelming majority, their babies will be securely attached to them at 18 months.

Most of the research on long-term difficulties usually says that it is untreated severe, long lasting depression in the context of personal and social adversity that leads to less positive outcomes.

And what we have to remember, as you've said here, is none of us chose this. It's not our fault. We find ourselves in a situation, and we do the best we can, with the resources available to us at any given moment time. There's no more anyone can ask of any mother, in any situation, at any time.

The other critical point here is that children's attachment comes out of being loved (being responded to, taken care of, fed, cuddled, growing up with a sense of security) rather than a mother's FEELINGS. Love, in this context, isn't a feeling so much as an action, hence being told to fake it til you make it. It took me a long time to get this.

However, if you are in a very dark place and you can't look at or respond to your child, it is better that you, as a mother prioritise self-care and treat that state of being in whatever way can return some equilibrium as soon as possible while allowing the baby to be minded by someone who can offer that. This is not an act of selfishness. It is an act of courage and love and deep wisdom.

Her message is actually:

Mums are too emotionally drained to handle their own children, they need women without an emotional connection to the child to handle them....

fusion, I completely agree. Thank you

I spent (let's be honest, spend) a great deal of my time with my kids feeling terribly phoney because I very deliberately try to be loving and kind and say nice things that will be constructive and encouraging (where appropriate of course). I also request hugs and kisses and dole them out when the kids seems amenable. I experienced little or none of this in my own childhood and so it feels dreadfully artificial when I try to pretend to be a 'normal' loving parent - as I perceive that to be anyway. I do like and love them, but I still register loving someone as not actually shouting at them or giving them the silent treatment. I have to actively choose to show affection because it doesn't come naturally.

That probably all has a bearing on my posts above. The 'fake it 'til you make it' advice is excellent and I would recommend it to anyone

I found this really helpful:
www.amazon.co.uk/Waking-Up-Parents-Awareness-Connection-ebook/dp/B0087GZHY8

And also compassionate mind/compassion focused therapy. It wasn't around when I needed it but Michelle Lee, a Clinical Psychologist at Derby, has a book on using this approach for baby bonding difficulties. I read it recently and there's a lot in it I still find useful even with older children: www.amazon.co.uk/Compassionate-Mind-Approach-Postnatal-Depression-ebook/dp/B00X7UHTJK/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1447256876&sr=1-1&keywords=compassionate+baby+bonding

In Compassion Focused Therapy, there's a lot of focus on developing what they call the affiliative system, which is your ability to soothe yourself, including allowing and experiencing warm feelings and managing harsh internal self-criticism and shame.

For those of us who had harsh and punitive relationships with caregivers in childhood, this can be a particular challenge in becoming the kind of parent we would rather be, without that deep learning from our own histories. I absolutely felt like you describe. I was "doing" loving but often not really sure what I was feeling at all, really focusing on the motions. These approaches have helped to soften a lot of that out.

LaContessa, I would never tell a new mother she is exposing her baby to 'dangers' by sleep training at two weeks - there's nothing in my posts that suggest I would say that, and actually I don't even think that :(

I think it is potentially challenging to early relationships to leave a tiny baby to cry, repeatedly uncomforted, and it is not consistent with what we know are normal infant needs. But if I was speaking directly to a new mother who is doing this, I would be gentler in my words.

'Having a hard time adapting to a baby' is distressing and sadly common - but it is not a marker for anything bad happening later, unless it persists into coldness and lack of responsiveness lasting a long time. Mostly, these difficult early weeks become 'repaired' with love and patience and support (maybe treatment) for the mum.

No, we can't make ourselves love - but deliberately ignoring a baby's need for comfort in the belief that to comfort is to 'pander' to him or her, and that he needs to be independent, exacerbates the problem, and is not fertile ground for love to grow :(

You say, "As long as we do realise that we need to keep trying, then I think that is the main thing" - yes, absolutely, and in recognising that need, the diffculties can be overcome.

Interesting stuff, fusion - treatment and support for mothers with attachment difficulties is highly effective....being able to show love, even if it's not actually felt, is the first step. Happily, babies don't read minds - if they get the attention, focus, comfort and connection they need, they are not aware of it being 'faked'. The other thing to note is that even with seriously depressed and 'disconnected' mothers, the ones who can barely make eye contact with their babies, if the baby has someone in their life who does 'this sort of stuff', it's wonderfully protective. It can be dad, or grandma, or someone else....they can keep the pot boiling, as it were, while the mother gets treatment or support to feel better.

I agree with other posters: she still sounds totally judgemental, and completely out of touch with how most mothers feel.
I really don't like the fact that rely on these gurus.

I'm sorry tiktok, I didn't mean to imply that you would; I've seen you post often enough to think of you as a kind person who wouldn't knowingly cause distress to anyone.

for LaContessa :)

I think we need to be careful here not to conflate depression and attachment difficulties here.

Depression is a known risk factor for attachment difficulties , it is not a given that feeling depressed or not feeling bonded causes attachment difficulties.

In fact, meta-analysis suggests only a very modest relationship between maternal depression and attachment difficulties. Depression is not a proxy for inadequate parenting.

Where there are serious long term negative outcomes, it is, as I said, usually in the context of untreated, recurrent issues over a long period of time, often coupled with personal and social adversity/poverty etc.

In any case, I don't think it's a great idea to be speculating on the attachment of someone to their baby based on a newspaper article.