Kathryn Mewes: The supernanny who is now a struggling mum

[MummRaaa]

This is quite a sad article, though part of me does want to say, "so it's not as easy as it looks then, love?!"

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/mother-tongue/11977203/Kathryn-Mewes-The-supernanny-who-is-now-a-struggling-mum.html

But no-one is judging that LaContessa. That's a totally normal feeling. Newborns can be really fucking tough (one of mine certainly was). That's what makes me so cross about the article because it suggests that new parents need to meet an ideal whereby a stranger could enter their house/look at them and not know they had a baby. And if you can't do that then maybe you need to pay someone to come in and help you achieve it.

Thinking that leaving a hungry two week old to cry all night is a really stupid idea is not an 'ideology of total motherhood' Its like those people who think that us renationalising the railways would turn us into north Korea. You don't think there might, just perhaps, be a middle ground?!

I think you're actually one of the few people who isn't judging that sweetadeline, which I am grateful for. I agree with you that new parents certainly don't need to meet any such ideal; however I think maybe it's just documenting her thought processes rather than prescribing action for everyone else to take. Maybe I'm being a bit naive on that though.

I would hope that most happy(ish) new parents have the strength of mind to ignore such suggestions and continue as they are. In any case, the cost of such intervention would surely dissuade all but the most rich/determined/struggling new parents anyway.....

The thing is that no-one actually knows what 'sleep training' means in this context. It can be used to describe all sorts of techniques and isn't always cruel. Nor do we know that she left her baby to scream for ages to teach it to self-settle. The way I read it she was describing the difference between jumping up at every squeak and instead taking a few breaths before going to the baby. Which she says she advised lots of parents to do but admits she found much harder with her own baby.

Lots of people with more than one child have to see to other things before comforting a newborn, and they're not psychopaths and the babies themselves are not harmed.

I agree with PPs who said as a trained nanny her lack of understanding about how BFing would be affected by early sleep training, etc is pretty shocking.

I also think her whole approach is horribly undermining for new mums. I found the early days unbelievably tough, didn't bond, felt desperate and books like Gina Ford, the Baby Whisperer just made it all worse. I started to cope when I followed my instincts (and fab advice on here and stuff on attachment).

Calling it 'whole motherhood' is unfair - it's such a short time and small babies need comfort of some sort through the night. Bloody pervasive Victorian parenting BS has people spouting crap about independence. At two weeks! FFS! They are tiny vulnerable human babies not 15 year olds or foals who are born and leap up skittering across the field. Ok weird analogy but humans have a long developmental period outside the womb because of the size of our brains - and this goes beyond food and shelter.

Yes it's fucking annoying at times with few / no breaks but it makes it easier not to battle a newborn ime because they aren't dicking you around to be annoying! They need you.

www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/fabulous/6652067/I-struggled-to-bond-with-my-baby.html

More or less the same info as in the Tel. She says in the above she left her baby for 10 mins to scream, which is a long time. Elsewhere she says leaving her baby was sometimes the wrong thing to do. I think , just like a lot of us when we are new mothers, she is not always sure what to do....not that this has shaken her belief in what other parents should do and her confidence in telling them :(

"The thought of telling a parent to let their baby scream until they settle will be far harder knowing how heart-wrenching it actually is. But I still believe pandering to tears is the wrong approach. If a child is healthy, tired, well fed, at the right temperature and has a clean nappy, there’s no reason not to leave them to it. "

I don't judge her choices. It's mad and unkind to call her psychopathic. But I do judge her for telling other parents to do the same, because her beliefs are not based on what we know about what infants need....and there is a world of difference between i) seeing to other children, answering the door etc and having to leave a baby unattended as a result for a short time, and ii) deliberately ignoring crying because you think a tiny baby needs to learn independence.

The thought of telling a parent to let their baby scream until they settle will be far harder knowing how heart-wrenching it actually is. But I still believe pandering to tears is the wrong approach. If a child is healthy, tired, well fed, at the right temperature and has a clean nappy, there’s no reason not to leave them to it.
Sounds like cry it out to me.

I've always said that these Super nannies can put a baby in any routine they like as they have no emotional attachment to them.

So so hard when it's your own child though.

How shocking that anyone thinks responding to a tiny baby's crying is "pandering"to them.

She has so much to learn.

Responding to a young baby's crying is about teaching them the world is a safe space and that Mum will help them when needed.

It sounds like all physical needs are met but not sure the emotional ones are.

I don't think it's bowing to the ideology of total motherhood to say that actually, its incredibly difficult to sleep train a 2 week old baby if you are its mother, and your hormones are telling you to cuddle your baby and demand feed it, and probably fairly easy if you are not its mother and haven't just given birth. The fact that some childless parenting experts have so little empathy with mothers or, it seems their babies is where a lot of the problems come from. The fact that she hasn't learnt this since is even more ridiculous.

Alfieisnoisy, that is true. Mothers have an investment in the long-term relationship with their baby, and an investment in attachment, and an investment in the emotional well-being of their babies.

Nannies and maternity nurses don't. In fact they have to protect themselves from making these bonds. If they did, they would find it very difficult to go from job to job.

A maternity nurse has to avoid being in emotional tune with the baby.

A mother - the opposite.

I've just read the extra information. Yes, leaving a 2 week old to settle for a few minutes if they are well fed is one thing, but a newborn needs to cluster feed, and needs feeding at least every 2 hours, so if she was training the baby to sleep through the night or getting someone else to do it, more like the baby was hungry and she wasn't establishing her milk supply.

That first year needs to be about attachment and establishing strong bonds. Being in tune as much as possible. Sleep training at 2 weeks means a parent isn't there when a baby is at its most vulnerable

LaContessa I wouldn't judge someones feelings but saying as a self proclaimed child expert that she found the solution to hire someone to sleep train a baby is inexplicable to me.

I certainly felt too ill to "enjoy" my little babies. No judging of that here.

It's just all a bit sad :(

She says on her Twitter that she is grateful to Clare Byam Book for explaining to her that she did not have enough breastmilk.

Well, no.....she wouldn't :(

Whoops, Clare Byam Cook, sorry.

To be fair I said all sorts of crap in those early days. I'm glad my career didn't depend on me making any sort of sense. I expect that in reality her baby is well cared for and all this spin is just random bollocks and overexagerated nonsense.

Oh, she took bfing advice from CBC? That says it all really IMO. That woman seems to diagnose about 75% of women with insufficient breast milk'

And sleep training a two week old by leaving them to cry for 10 minutes at a time . I remember reading something similar in Jools Oliver's book. Makes me sad, but I'm an old hippy and dont' get anything resembling a life back until each child is at least 9 months

Sleep training a newborn is madness. Until they are about three months old they don't have the right brain chemistry to separate day and night. I wish someone would tell new parents and profiteering sleep training night nannies that. It's much easier to cope when you know what is and is not normal.

Everything else is fair enough. Finding parenting hard? Perfectly normal because it isn't easy and even if it goes well it's still a massive shift especially when you've been in total control of your life and able to indulge your every whim for 41 years previously. Eye mask and ear defenders in labour? Sounds like an inventive approach to the quiet and darkness advocated by many birthing theories that is difficult to manage in hospital. Finding labour was not much fun? Also perfectly normal particularly for first births. I had a water birth that on the face of it was very straightforward and I still felt like I'd been run over by a truck. Not bonding with your baby? Also common.

I'm pleased she's had support from a local NCT group. I am not at all surprised most of them will not have had a straightforward labour (although having been the woman that has in a group that hasn't you do tend to keep your mouth shut lest you be seen to be rubbing it in or gloating which of course no nice person would be) the demographic of that group (older mothers) are much more likely to have birth interventions plus the local hospital protocols don't leave much wriggle room.

I do agree her husband needs to learn some independence and to be supportive. It would also be nice if Kathryn felt it's ok to park for women to be on the sofa in PJs with the baby but I respect her choice (with the exception of sleep training s newborn) to be a "get up and get on with it" mum.

I predict a new book is in the offing. I won't be buying it, sorry Kathryn.

Anyone interested in normal sleep patterns for baby might like this: www.isisonline.org.uk/how_babies_sleep/normal_sleep_development/

Some harsh views here. If I had the money, I wouldn't hesitate to use a night nanny/maternity nurse to get my baby into a sleep routine. Sleep deprivation is the pits. I think there's just so much pressure on new mums to do it all - natural birth (whatever that's supposed to be), breastfeed, blw, baby wearing but all the while becoming a housewife and family PA. We've lost sight that it used to be a community and family effort where you wouldn't need to hire help because it was all hands on deck.

Also, mums used to stay in hospital for a week to recuperate and babies were only bought to them at set intervals. Those mums still bonded with their babies. Routine and a good relationship can exist together - I don't think that sleep deprivation makes your relationship any better.

The sad thing is that you can 'sleep train' an infant.

Infants, even tiny ones, eventually fall asleep with exhaustion, and stop crying. If you persist, really really persist, they learn not to cry for very long, because this is wasted energy - they're not making a cognitive judgment of course but a physiologcal response based on the fact that no matter how much they cry, no one will comfort them, feed them, check they are comfortable, soothe their sore tummy, straighten the fold in the sheet that's bothering them, attend to the draft blowing into their cot, sing to them to soothe them and reassure them they are not alone....

A tiny baby is dependent on us for all of those things and it's not 'pandering' to supply them.

It's really not a good thing for parents to ignore their own feelings of needing to comfort, either.

"Also, mums used to stay in hospital for a week to recuperate and babies were only bought to them at set intervals. Those mums still bonded with their babies."

Often, they didn't, though.

Often, their breastfeeding went by the wayside.

Often, the mothers cried themselves to sleep, not being 'allowed' to comfort their babies.

Often, they did something entirely different at home.

She's obviously used to being in control pre kids. She has no control now and is trying to push control onto her DD. Its making her YEAH!!! the child unhappy. Her best bet would be going with it and being more tuned in and led by the baby.

YEAH!!! - means AND