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Original poster

Dd only one not invited to the party again

78 replies

Benandhollyonrepeat · 13/10/2015 16:55

I posted last year as my Dd, who is in a class with only 8 girls in it, was the only girl not invited to this girls party. All the other 7 girls went and understandably my dd was upset. I wanted to ask the mum why but after advice from here decided to just let it drop and try and cheer dd up. Anyway fast forward a year and this girl has been to ours for play dates etc and my other dd and her other dd do after school clubs together so at least once a week we are together waiting for them and have got fairly friendly. So it's her party time again and I just can not believe that's is all happening again and she has invited the other 7 and not my dd again. What is wrong with the woman and her kid. Totally understand that she doesn't have to like my dd or have to invite her but really two years running to invite everyone and not dd is just too much. Dd is again upset and I am furious. Why would you do this to one child not once but twice. Her dd bought up the party in front of us y'day and the mother quickly hushed her up and the dd said 'oh yes not in front of x (my dd). So do you think it's ok to ask her (politely) what's going on and why this is happening again. Feel so sorry for my lovely little girl.

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Original poster

Benandhollyonrepeat · 13/10/2015 19:46

Thanks for messages, I know I feel so sorry for my DD. I'm going to ask the mother tomorrow and see want she has to say. Any advice on how to say it?? I'm just so cross about it that I don't want it turn into an argument, our school is small and would be really difficult to fall out with someone, although she obviously hasn't worried about this!!

OP posts:

RidingSixWhiteHorses · 13/10/2015 19:47

I would play it straight and not in front of the kids or other parents. Literally just say 'can I have a word? I know dd is only one not invited to your party and wanted to find out why as it is obviously very upsetting for her.'

lunar1 · 13/10/2015 19:59

Glad you are going to ask, how horrible!

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BYOSnowman · 13/10/2015 20:01

I wouldn't mention your dd is upset as it will make her defensive. I think someone unthread suggested asking if your dd has upset her in any way

If she says yes then take it from there wrt the reason and suggest she should have raised it with you earlier and that dd would be upset to know her friend felt like that etc

If she says no you can then say about dd being upset not to be invited

maybebabybee · 13/10/2015 20:01

This is really mean. I agree you definitely need to ask.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 13/10/2015 20:01

I would say something along the lines of "DD was very upset last night about the your dd's party and the comment your dd made about 'not in front of dd' makes me wonder if there is a problem that I don't know about?"

claraschu · 13/10/2015 20:07

This is completely unacceptable behaviour. I am glad you are going to ask, and I think SirChenjin has the right idea of how to phrase it.

customercare · 13/10/2015 20:13

How can children be so mean and how can parents collude in the behaviour. It's beyond me.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 13/10/2015 20:14

I second cowface 's suggestion. Ask if there is a problem you don't know about. Otherwise there is absolutely no excuse for excluding your DD for the second year running. And let her know your DD is upset. She clearly needs the results of her spitefulness pointing out to her.

If she comes up with some claptrap about numbers or not being as close a friend as the others I'd blow all my money on a mega fantastic party or outing and exclude her DD. Yes, it's mean but the mum needs to know how it feels if the shoe is on the other foot.

minimalistaspirati0ns · 13/10/2015 20:15

Theses obviously a reason. Maybe your DD is very unkind to her DD. Or maybe your DD is unbearably bossy and controlling. Maybe having your DD at the party would completely ruin the party for the party girl. What does your DD feel is wrong because she might have an inkling if she thinks long and honestly about the relationship. A couple of random play dates can come under the umbrella of trying to make a poor relationship work. It doesn't mean the girls have a good relationship.

You might get a more honest reason if you text rather then pounce on her tomorrow. She mightn't feel able to talk about the issue and will be ill prepared to run you through it if put in the spot.

Text under the pretence that you want to make the girls relationship work rather then it being unfair. You don't want to sound like a 12 year old!

RabbitSaysWoof · 13/10/2015 20:17

What a rude bitch. I think I remember your thread from last time.
I second stopping the play dates, and I wouldn't usually say this because I think children should be able to invite who they want to invite to their parties, but after the girl understanding it's hurtful to your dd, to be hushed in front of her I would be tempted to exclude her from every party your dd has in future.

Only1scoop · 13/10/2015 20:21

I must admit I would be so hurt on dd behalf of that was me Op.

I'm the hate confrontation and breeze in and out type. I'd have to ask though especially after the 'not in front of dd' slip

It's a shame you didn't have something prepared as you could have had a quiet word after that prompt.

TRexingInAsda · 13/10/2015 20:29

Just say it. "For the second year running, you've invited all the girls in the class except my dd, and she's really upset again, why have you done that?"

YakTriangle · 13/10/2015 20:29

I think I'd ask if there had been any arguments between your DD and the other girl, because you couldn't think why she would invite every other girl except DD. Remain very polite and try not to get emotional.
It is a horrible thing for them to do, especially two years in a row. Once could be an oversight, twice looks deliberate.

mumsnit · 13/10/2015 20:39

Personally I wouldn't say anything and try to rise above it. Chances are she'd either be rude if she's feeling embarrassed or you won't get an honest answer anyway.... frustrating though it is not to know if there is a particular reason for excluding your DD.

I totally understand - my DD is one of only 6 girls in a year group and there is one who always invites all the girls to her parties except my DD. It hurts me even more than it hurts her every year but I've never addressed it with the parents for the reasons above.

customercare · 13/10/2015 20:45

It happened once to my dd. I was upset, as was she but I told my dd it was a good job she hadn't been invited as she couldn't have gone anyway as we were already booked to go on a day out to the zoo. (A lie but it save face for her at school). We had a lovely day at the zoo as well.

oneowlgirl · 13/10/2015 20:53

I think you definitely have to say something now as twice is out of order & extremely hurtful you your dd (& you).

I'd ask bluntly so there's no wriggle room - why is DD the only girl in the class not invited to your DDs party for the 2nd year in a row?

Just ask that - don't elaborate or get agitated. Keep your voice calm & keep eye contact & stay silent until she answers.

Good luck.

christinarossetti · 13/10/2015 21:05

Yes, don't mention your dd being upset, or that will become the problem.

Something like 'for the second year in a row, your dd is having a party and inviting all the girls except my dd. Is there something going on between them that has caused this - your dd seemed to enjoy herself at our house?'

Indole · 13/10/2015 21:26

Gosh, this is really awful. Your poor poor DD. I hope you can sort it out.

How old are the children?

Strawberrybubblegum · 13/10/2015 22:10

If you do decide to say something - and I'm inclined to think you should - do be prepared for what she might say, and maybe think up a catch-all conclusion.

Eg, if she says something like 'I'm afraid my DD just didn't want her there, and it's her party' you might feel too hurt to think of much to say back.

Something like 'Well it's hurt DD. From what I understand, the generally accepted way to do it is either to invite less than half the girls in the class, or else invite them all. It's simply rude to invite all of them except DD.' would be a response for pretty much anything.

Strawberrybubblegum · 13/10/2015 22:19

I wouldn't have a party and exclude only the other girl, though. That risks escalating this to open confrontation between the 2 girls, and possibly a popularity contest - which your DD might not win. It would also create an unpleasant atmosphere for all the girls, which could persist.

FitzChivarly · 13/10/2015 22:21

It's horrible when something like this happens to your own child. Your poor dd. As po's have said you either invite all the girls or just a handful of either, not just exclude one. Most likely the mum will get defensive as she knows she's in the wrong, unless she has a very good reason, and will likely get shirty. Just keep your cool if she does, I'm sure you will.
Good luck for tomorrow

FitzChivarly · 13/10/2015 22:24

*pp's not po's damn auto correct

lougle · 13/10/2015 22:47

Poor girl. That must really hurt.

DiscoDiva70 · 14/10/2015 07:02

Op, it's bang out of order for this spiteful woman to exclude your dd, and I agree with others that you should say something to her. (Although before you do double check that she's definitely invited all the other girls again, as you don't want to confront her and she turn around and say that not all of them are invited)

When you know for definite then I would actually politely bring it up with her infront of other mums, if poss, so as to embarrass her!

I would say to her that if she has an issue with your dd (or you) then wouldn't it have been better if she talked to about it before basically making your dd feel very rejected by excluding her so openly?

If she tries to give a lame excuse such as she can only afford so many, or its down to numbers then remind her that she did this last year too.
You could also say that you were advised to do your own party and leave HER child out, but you realise what a cruel thing it is to do and you wouldn't dream of hurting a child's feelings like that.

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