Not cut out for motherhood

[quesadillas6]

Hi,

Three week old twins, and I'm finding things so overwhelming. I've posted about it before, but now really worried about myself and my family. I can't handle the relentlessness of it. I can't handle the guilt of how it's affecting my older child. Already there seems to be massive pressure on my marriage, which I can't be bothered to deal with. DH is very pro-breastfeeding, to the point of putting pressure on, but I'm seriuosly struggling with the feeding and want to switch completely to bottles to try and save my sanity. I love my babies, I just wish I could be a better mother to them. I wonder how much simpler life would have been if I'd stuck to one child.

Please tell me it'll get better.

i doubt that it's because you're not cut out for motherhood.. You've just got 3 week old twins and another child, of course you're overwhelmed.

I'm all for breastfeeding in a pretty huge way however tell your bloke unless he can put them on his own boobs he can butt out. you can put them on bottles if you want and at least other people can help with that task.

Yeah, it's really not up to your DH as to whether you breastfeed. I'm pretty pro bfing myself, but I'll admit, the mere thought of twins would send me reaching for bottles!

The early weeks are so so tough and I can't even imagine how much that is amplified with two.

Do you have much rl support? Groups you can go to, people you can talk to, anything like that?

If he's so pro bf let him get on with it! Your body, your choice- his role is to becsupportive and helpful, not to put any pressure on you.
Hope things feel better soon. Twins are hard, struggling doesn't make you a bad mummy.

It will get better. It will. But boy it's tough in the meantime. Which of us really is cut out for three week old twins and another older dc?? I would struggle massively.
Take it one day at a time, and if you want to switch to bottles, switch to the damn bottles - do what you need to do and don't bother feeling guilty. The way you feed them has to work for the whole family.

Please switch to bottles. Please be gentle on yourself as I can't imagine your getting much sleep. If you still feel like you are not coping please speak to your midwife/health visitor as they can help. I had horrible undiagnosed pnd and just wish I'd spoken out more because then I could have dealt with it. Lots of and don't be afraid to ask for help with big or small things you are a good mother

He can be as pro breastfeeding as he likes, it's not his decision to make!
I have a 23 month old and a 12 week old and have felt exactly the same as you many times in the past 12 weeks. In my less exhausted moments I know it's not that I'm not cut out for motherhood, it's just that parenting a toddler and a newborn is fucking hard work. And I only have one newborn.
It's getting easier. Baby is sleeping longer stretches at night and feeding less often (I'm BF but have considered stopping many times. The issue being she won't take a bottle!).
Have you spoken to anyone? Friends/family/HV/GP? After a tearful midwife visit (I developed mastitis when baby was 9 days old which developed into sepsis and I ended up in intensive care for 3 days) I went to see my GP as I was struggling emotionally. She was great, didn't put any pressure on re anti depressants etc. I went away and thought about it and realised I wasn't depressed, just exhausted.
Congratulations on your babies! It will get easier. Please talk to someone.

Having 3wo twins and an older one would drive anyone to the brink of sanity. Even having a single 3wo and no other kids is astonishingly exhausting. You need to tell your dh to butt out of decisions that involve your own body. You need some extra help -if you can't afford to employ someone, phone your nearest college that offers vocational childcare qualifications - they often have a system to give you free help as a way for their students to get work experience.

Tell him to breastfeed them if he's pro breastfeeding. Arse.

Switch to bottles so he can help and express when you can.

I think I posted on your last thread.

OP, I'm very pro BF but they've had 3 weeks, you've done very well! Stop if you are struggling. Your DH can then do night feeds or even evening feeds so you can put your other child to bed/read to him/snuggle with a TV program or whatever.

It will get easier, it really will. The first 6 weeks are all about getting through one day and night at a time and it's so intensive. Especially if you're BF, it's all the pressure on you. Tell your DH that something needs to change.

Op no one on this planet is cut out for newborn twins and an older child - if they are all alive at the end of the day you are a bloody excellent mum.

The mere thought of breastfeeding twins and looking after another child drives me round the bend: bottle feed if you want to- your dh can help you then rather than cheerleader your breastfeeding which frankly is stressing you out.

I have been in your exact position albeit over a decade ago.
My twins were early and they had a poor suck so after 2 weeks of hell I started mixed feeding.
I used to express and they had about 50:50 expressed and formula all via bottles. It meant my DH could feed one of them during the night feeds. I managed this for 9 weeks before going exclusively formula. I was surviving on 2-3 hours sleep a night and entertaining a busy toddler, something had to give.
They are now, happy, healthy, achieving secondary schoolers.
Do not let anybody else ie your DH dictate what to do.
It is really hard and I don't really remember much of the first 6 months but it does get easier. Best of luck Twins are ace.

Your H is allowed to have an opinion but he is not allowed to exert pressure. I only had one baby and switching to ff was the best thing I did. Second best thing? Buying a perfect prep machine.
The babies have had 3 weeks of bf which is fab. You need to do whatever will get you through the next few weeks and allow you to enjoy your lovely babies. Good luck!

Is he the type to want you to continue BFing as he then doesnt have to get involved with feeding? It stays your responsibility and he is not "burdened" with it?

It will get better. I've had 4 DCs (FWIW 2 were BF and 2 were FF - they're all absolutely fine) and I still can't begin to imagine how anyone copes with multiples - it must be unbelievably hard. And don't forget at 3 weeks in your hormones are going to be all over the place too, which will be adding to how low you're feeling at the moment.

Switch to formula - you just need to do whatever it takes to make this more manageable. Ignore DH - he needs to be supporting you, not making you feel shit.

I'm very pro-breastfeeding too but it's so hard and takes so much out of you. I can't imagine what twins would be like. You have to make the choice for you but your health and sanity is worth so much. Please speak out to your HV or midwife about how much you are struggling! You need help. Do you have friends and family that can come in, it is ok to ask for help for basic household tasks and extra childcare for your older child. If DH is so pro-breastfeeding then he needs to be sorting a system out where all you litteraly do is feed the babies- him or someone else changes, burps, rocks, etc. I had one particularly difficult day with my one baby were I had to say to DH that I was just so beyond exhausted that I was going to feed the baby but he absolutely had to do the rest, I was staying in bed. Please go easy on yourself- recovering pregnancy and childbirth us bloody difficult with one...I can't imagine two.

Oh my goodness OP. You're totally cut out for motherhood, but none of us are cut out for the exhausting slog of those early weeks. Twins and an older child? You deserve a medal. Seriously. Medal first. Lead box later. Sorry! Dark Irish humour there.
It's fair to say we're all pro breastfeeding but don't let DH turn it into an emotional and physical Everest to prove you're a bona fide Mother of the Year. My DH is a bit like yours. I just mixed with DC3. The stress, perhaps my age (42) when I had number 3, combined with the fatigue and the effort of still trying to be a mum to my older two, just sucked my milk dry. I mixed breast and formula at a certain point in those early weeks. I breast-fed for 6 months but absolutely took the pressure off by giving bottles of formula in between. I expressed a bit initially, but didn't have enough to do both breast and expressed milk in a bottle. I ate porridge which helped increase my supply for sure. It really helped me enjoy breast feeding and it took the pressure off.
If it's of any consolation, my marriage was an absolute state after DC3 who is now 16 months old. Oddly enough, I remained very stable despite the absolute killer of a baby we made. I had PND with DC2 but somehow remained quite sound, albeit nearly dead, after DC3. He is awesome... now! But oh my God, I thought I would die of exhaustion this year. I am still up 3 times a night but better than 9, yes...9 times a night. I didn't even know you could fit 9 wake ups into a night's sleep. But our killer of sleep and sanity proved that yes, it's possible. Husbands can add so much pressure and that is the LAST thing you need. What's wrong with some guys? Seriously. You have 3 kids, 2 of them just weeks old and there should be no pressure on you to do things the 'right' way or 'his' way. He's at work all day, right? Just mix feed if you want. I got to a point where I was so exhausted and so depleted, that I had no problem telling DH to go jump in the river from time to time.
Oddly enough, our marriage is better than ever after a year of fantasising leaving him for me, myself, and mai tais on a pristine beach somewhere... anywhere! I feel like we've emerged from some collapsed mine, covered in debris and ash, scarred from a year of no sleep, barely alive but alive nonetheless. But we're kind of like,"Wow. We nearly died in there! We're alive! I love you! I love the kids! This is awesome!....Now tie my tubes. No more kids (thank God I'm old)."
Hugs...no great advice but huge hugs and love and strength! Do get help. You can't do it without the help. My mum stayed with us for a few months. I was still depleted but at least I had the emotional support. You can get someone to come in during the day to feed and look after them while you get a couple of hours of shut eye. Even if you only do this for a week or two, you will feel a bit more able to manage the mighty task of newborn twins. Congratulations! You've given hubby 3 beautiful children. He is blessed beyond belief.Be good to yourself!!

Thanks for listening. I'm mix feeding at the moment, both breast and bottle at each feed, so each session is taking forever. DH is at work all day, and to give him his dues, he's pretty good at sorting the house out. Mostly. Last night he went to bed before I did because he was tired, leaving me to cart two babies and all their paraphernalia to bed myself and leaving the house a tip, no sterilised bottles etc. I did one full bottle feed overnight because I just couldn't face being awake for two hours each time they woke.

As for help, my older one is part-time at nursery, we have a temp part-time night nanny (which is great, but she's not here every night) and family are coming over once a week to help. I have plenty of friends, but hardly any of them have contacted me since the birth to even see how I am.

I'm exhausted, still recovering from a c section, anaemic and potentially depressed. I broke down in front of the midwife the other day. Shes going to ask the hvs to keep a close eye on me. I just feel so, so awful,and like I'm not even me anymore. My regular job is a stressful one, I should be able to cope better.

Could you show your DH your other thread about the feeding where you have lots of pragmatic responses about switching to formula / mixed feeding?

At this point it's hard with just one child, you will be overwhelmed with the changes, hormones, lack of sleep.

For what it's worth, I'm not sure that expressing is a solution here due to the time it'll take. If your DH wants you to keep BF he needs to help find you some more help. Is home start in your area? Local college for childcare students? Staff from a local nursery maybe wanting extra hours?

You've breastfed twins for 3 weeks - well done. That is good by anyone's standards.

Sounds like DH needs to step up - he shouldn't have left you to get them all upstairs.

And the decision to switch to FF is of course a joint one - but will he share the feeding?

Of course you're exhausted.
Can you ask friends for help?
Maybe they're staying away to let you get family time? Sometimes in these situations folk need to be asked to do something specific in which case they weigh in with help. They are probably all in awe of you.

I have a stressful job and parenting two under twos is definitely harder.

Re your friends if you want support and for them to come round - invite them! They probably are staying away to give you space as you've just had babies.

I would be round in a flash if friend had twins and a toddler to help but people don't want to impose on a new mum. Make contact, I'm sure they're dying to come over and help

I work in a deadline-driven industry. My job is to organise everyone else and its my arse on the line if the product is not accurate 100% and delivered on time. Having a baby still knocked me for six - and I had one at a time! There is no 'should cope better' just because you can manage a stressful job. You've had a section, your hormones are all over the place, you're sleep deprived... I'm guessing your job doesn't require you to have major surgery and then operate on no sleep and zero rest?!

Blaming yourself is a sure path to depression. Please don't. You are always doing your best, and it will improve. I'm glad the midwife is on board with looking out for you.

Ps could you ask mumsnet to post a link to this in the multiples thread, or move it? You might get some practical tips for managing twins plus an older one over there.

And please contact your friends for help. They may be imagining things like family have moved in, and not realising how much you are doing on your own. Most of it by the sounds of it and recovering from a section.

You're doing brilliantly. And your twins and older dc are being cared for fantastically. On you, it's bloody hard for a while but you will get through it.

I have twins and older ds too. I managed mixed feeding till 6 weeks, then have up on breast. A few weeks of breast is a great start. (Tho my older one got 7 months!) I was exhausting myself by tring to feed in tandem which I wish I hadn't. Anyway, if it helps, switch. They'll have had benefit, and now it's most important that you are well and coping.

Pls talk to your health visitor. Mine had special interest in multiple birth mums. There are potentially as others have said students who can poss come and help, or maybe local teens after school for small fee?

Another thing I did was put an enormous sign (flip chart sized) up on my wall, with everything that needed to be done daily, with times. Visitors could then either help and do something (or bugger off coz they could see how busy things were!)

Lease be kind to yourself. You prob should see GP just to explain how you're feeling (I didn't, but absolutely should have.) you are super star and your children are doing great. Will be crazy for wee while longer, but then just gets better and easier week by week. I promise!

Take care.

Thinking of you OP - sounds really tough.

No experience of twins myself, but my cousin's wife told me her life with her twin girls improved massively when she switched from bf to ff - she was almost evangelical about it!

I had twins with 2 older dcs, but my kids were older which made it a bit easier. The -first year- early weeks with twins are a killer, I feel for you.
Your dh really needs to step up and help, even mine (who needed constant nagging with dc1&2) realised he needed to do a lot more! He would help with night feeds and nappy changes, school run for the eldest, do big shopping at weekend, etc.

I mixed fed from birth because I could only feed from one side, so it was often the case that I alternated each twin with breast/bottle (I did gradually increase bf because that's what I wanted to do). There are ways of making it work that will allow you to get some rest and keep some breastfeeding going, if that's what you want to do. Alternatively FF is absolutely fine!

You haven't said if this is an issue but make sure you eat enough as well, breastfeeding twins is really hard work on your body. I'm not a big fan of supplements but this is one of those occasions where they might be very useful to help recover from the birth and fatigue.

Hope the dr/hv will prove to be helpful too. Maybe the Hv coukd have a word with dh too?

Big hugs to youx