Not cut out for motherhood

[quesadillas6]

Hi,

Three week old twins, and I'm finding things so overwhelming. I've posted about it before, but now really worried about myself and my family. I can't handle the relentlessness of it. I can't handle the guilt of how it's affecting my older child. Already there seems to be massive pressure on my marriage, which I can't be bothered to deal with. DH is very pro-breastfeeding, to the point of putting pressure on, but I'm seriuosly struggling with the feeding and want to switch completely to bottles to try and save my sanity. I love my babies, I just wish I could be a better mother to them. I wonder how much simpler life would have been if I'd stuck to one child.

Please tell me it'll get better.

You poor, poor thing. It's hard to accept you can't cope, especially for someone who has always coped very well (which it sounds like you are used to doing). I suspect too that your DH probably doesn't realise how bad it is for you (although frankly it shouldn't take a genius to work it out).

You need to: (1) tell DH in very clear words that you need help, more than you have, and that either he provides it or he finds someone else to provide t because you don't have the time or energy to get help (2) tell him what practical stuff you want from him every single day, simple list (3) tell him you will be switching to formula because that's what you need to do for life not to get immeasurably worse for everyone in the family, for whom you are the lynchpin (4) tell him this is make or break. That this really is. Tell him that if he doesn't knuckle down he will be doing immeasurable damage to his marriage and his children's stability. A 3yo and newborn twins after a c section? Seriously, it's the kind of the situation that can really damage a relationship.

Be clear, be firm. Take the lead and give him no choice but to do what you need him to do else there will be consequences HE will not like.

And it won't do him any harm to hear that however hard up he feels, however tired and unwell and under slept and stressed he feels, it's a million times worse for you post surgery, hormonal, with everything riding on your shoulders. Hell hath no fury like a woman on a warpath: get on the warpath for your 3 babies and for yourself.

How are you this morning? I hope you got some proper rest.
I have no experience of twins but two close friends had twins and would happily tell anyone how incredibly hard it is. And neither of them breastfed.

Reading your posts I can see a little of myself there after DS was born. I was so determined to breastfeed and succeed at it that I persisted for far too long. I had a total breakdown when he was 11 weeks old, that was 11 weeks of not getting more than 45 minutes' sleep, day or night. my DH is a great man but he had absolutely no clue of just how hard it was for me.
What changed things was one evening, after being stuck feeding all day unable to put DS into a buggy or cot, DH arrived home after being out at work for 13 hours. I handed him DS, told him there were two bottles made up in the fridge and I was going to bed, "see you in the morning."
One full night alone with DS made him realise that things could not continue as they were.
From then on he pulled up his socks. I was already massively resenting him for leaving me to it, I think tackling it stopped the breakdown of what had been a very happy marriage.
You must look after yourself, you are no use to any of your kids if you don't. Time to fully utilise the night nanny, hand over the babies, get into bed and sleep your head off.

We're not too bad today, just muddling through. DH still being pathetic, but I'm just ignoring him until he starts behaving a bit more bearably.

I've been looking at the babies today and thinking how lucky I am to have them. It's hard, but I just have to get through the difficult first few weeks and months. Hopefully I'll get out with my sanity and marriage intact!

Decision made - I think I'm going to cut back and stop breastfeeding. Last night my toddler got so upset when he saw me doing it, which breaks my heart. I'm so torn though. On the one hand, I beleieve its the best thing for my babies, or I wouldn't have started. On the other hand, I don't believe it's the best thing for me psychologically, or for my family. With breastfeeding I'm tied to the house, as its a massive palaver to feed them, so every time I go out Id take a bottle anyway. Carrying on upsets me, but stopping upsets me too.

What is wrong with me? I should be able to make this decision easily. I don't believe that formula is poison. If I was one of my friends, I'd have told me to stop already. I'm a complete mess.

You're exhausted and it's hard to rationalise your decisions in that state. Take it from hundreds of mn so far, that as the lynchpin of the family, your needs are uppermost. I suspect your DH wants you to plough on bf because it means less work for him..time will tell.
In an angrier moment I might be tempted to frighten him with how much harder his life will be if your relationship fails and he has sole custody of 3 young DC half the week (unlikely, but you get my drift).

OP, in the long run, how you fed your babies will really not be as important an issue as it is feeling at the moment. But you know this deep down - what a sensible way to think how you would be advising a friend.

I know there are lots of benefits of BF, but there are also huge, huge benefits of having a better-rested mum (note, I'm not saying well-rested ) for all of your children.

I was thinking of you when I saw my friend and her wild and joyful twin toddlers today. Hard work but lots of fun.

The evidence on bf is that the first weeks are key. Your twins have had the first weeks. Within the context of a life where your children will have a good diet from 6 months onwards it is really barely relevant how you feed them now.

I have always thought mixed feeding is the worst of all world's. All the faff of sterilising qith the pain and lack of sleep of breastfeeding.

Just slowly move yo bottles and you can have a whole nights sleep. I think as a mother of three children and two of them newborn you have to prioritise sleep more than other new parents do.

I think you're doing the right thing, quesa.

How is it going Quesadillas?

Bless you, even the most mumsy of motherhood mummies would be struggling with twins and an older one!

I thought breastfeeding one was difficult I switched onto bottles at a month old and it was such a weight of my shoulder and I bought a perfect prep machine now it's like heaven it's not because your not cut out to be a mum being a parent is hard and specially with two twins and a elder child I would be very stressed you do what you thinks best don't let your dh pressure u to so things you don't want to

I struggled like hell to breast feed and due to the general hormones and brain washing and horrible hospital stay I was absolutely determined to bf no matter what.

It became a symbol of being a good mother, or failing.

And combined with other stuff going on, and a baby who wouldn't sleep more than 45mins and that only when on top of me... It was so tough.

And I didn't have twins!

If I could go back in time and change anything, it would be that. I wish I'd given up earlier!!!

It felt so so important at the time, but looking back, it wasn't anythjng to do with being a good mum, it was stopping me from looking after myself, and therefore stopping me from being the mummy I wanted to be.

But I can't go back and set myself on that course, so I'll make sure you know you're doing exactly the right thing now for you and your babies instead :)

You are a great mum, who's doing about the hardest thing anyone can do, stumble through those early days with twins AND another little one. You need a badge of honour not a sinking sense of failure!

Btw, I had a super difficult professional job which I could manahe just fine. And had that same feeling of 'if I can do that, why the hell can't I do motherhood?!'. Apparently it's a 'thing'. Highly skilled professionals rely on their mastery and ability to direct events to the right outcome. And to just try harder, analyse deeper and keep on trying til you're on top of the challenge, using experience and knowledge to make tactical steps towards a strategic solution. But babies don't work like that! You can't get mastery over this motherhood thing as you are not able to get control over enough variables to get on top of it all. Totally different skill set!

You have to go with the flow for a while, and give up trying to 'DO parenting', and just BE a parent. I swear the worst thing happened when we turned the parent noun into a verb!

Good luck OP