Not cut out for motherhood

[quesadillas6]

Hi,

Three week old twins, and I'm finding things so overwhelming. I've posted about it before, but now really worried about myself and my family. I can't handle the relentlessness of it. I can't handle the guilt of how it's affecting my older child. Already there seems to be massive pressure on my marriage, which I can't be bothered to deal with. DH is very pro-breastfeeding, to the point of putting pressure on, but I'm seriuosly struggling with the feeding and want to switch completely to bottles to try and save my sanity. I love my babies, I just wish I could be a better mother to them. I wonder how much simpler life would have been if I'd stuck to one child.

Please tell me it'll get better.

I'd book a GP appt to discuss. I'm not throwing out pnd diagnoses because twins are really overwhelming but you appear to have lost faith in yourself. You can do this and you can do it well xx

I know I'll get through this time, but right now I just can't see how. I feel bad that I'm wishing the newborn days away, but I'll be so glad when they're over. My older child is coming up to three, and he's amazing. I love that age. He saw me crying this morning and told me he loved me very much, which he's never done before without prompting. I hope he doesn't really remember this time in his life, his mother's a mess!

I do need to give up breastfeeding, but I feel bad about that because I managed six months last time, and I'd ideally have done the same for all my children. But better to have formula than a mentally unwell mother.

If these feelings continue, I will speak to the gp. I'm hoping it's just the baby blues, but realistically, I think it's more than that. Thanks for all listening, sometimes it takes the kind words of strangers to help you feel less alone.

Honestly op the best thing you can do for your sanity and therefore your dc is to stop BF. I think you will have a weight taken away. I'm surprised your friends aren't clamouring to help. I know I would be.

I didn't have twins, but a lot what you feel resonates with how I felt with PND. Including your other post about ruining your DS's life, I posted something very similar around the same time (a week or so in).

I found it so difficult to admit anything was wrong that I had to write it down for my husband to read. Like you I am known for being 'able', I work for myself and lots of people comment on how I fit it all in etc. So I too felt I should be able to deal with this.

I went to the GP and went on a low dose of anti-ds. Was the best thing I could have done. I wasn't jumping for joy when they kicked in but I felt I could cope, which I didn't feel at all prior to that. I took them for about a year and I feel back to myself now, DD is 2. If it is PND, take the tablets. I was really reluctant but I am so glad I did.

I also think you have to muster up everything inside to tell people what help you need. I could imagine how I would have felt in your shoes if my DH had just decided to nip off to bed leaving me with the 2 babies. I think I might have felt invisible/upset/overwhelmed. You need to say something, he needs to know that he cannot just do that.

Can you go to bed at 9 and he does the first feed, so at least you get a small stretch of sleep?

If you decide to move to ff, try to forgive yourself. I never got on with bf and it took a lot of feel ok with bottles. You have such a lot to gain (help from whoever is about) by moving to bottles. Your needs are just as important as the babies.

And try to remember, that in 6 months no-one apart from health professionals due to records) will even know how they were fed.

And try to find some twin mummy friends, they will understand like others probably cannot.

Try not to worry about DS. He is gaining 2 siblings which will provide him with fun and laugher when they are old enough. I have 5 years between mine and they really do love each other.

Big hugs. It will get better. Keep posting.

I have 6mo twins and two Ds's and my god it's hard at your stage but it does get easier. I kept going with bf and it really turned a corner around the 16 week mark. Decision was made easier by the girls turning into bottle refusers/ vomiting on formula.

Do be kind to yourself, I found I got a lot of offers of help after I started doing nursery run at about 6 weeks and was out and about more as people don't want to intrude.

Thanks for checking in and letting us know how you are - I was thinking of you today.

Don't feel bad for looking ahead. Newborn weeks are hard for most of us.

Do ask for help. I am terrible at this, but good at giving out advice. Friends may need specific tasks. I had children later than some of my friends so they were good at coming round with fully prepared meals - yum yum.

I can honestly say newborn twins was the worst time of my life. I don't think you can describe it to anyone. I remember thinking how I had ruined our lives and wished I had never had them!

I promise it will get better. I would go see the go asap. Pm me if you want to chat.

Our twins are now 3, we survived and so will you

The overnight help has just left, so I got some sleep last night at least. She observed a feed and reckons my supply is too low to feed two. She packed me off to bed early saying she'd give them bottles for their first night waking as I was killing myself. Told H this morning. "oh maybe your supply will recover when you're less tired." In a year's time? I'm not bloody doing it until then! Listen to the former midwife who's a trained breastfeeding peer supporter and has vast experience of twins and triplets! I don't know why he's being so dogged about this. I know I don't need his permission to stop, but I'd like him to try and understand and be on my side. If I'd had one baby I probably would be carrying on longer, but two is significantly more difficult. And if my supply is low, they're effectively formula fed anyway right now.

I'm just worried he'll resent me for stopping and I'll resent him for his lack of support.

OP you have brand new twins, a toddler and are recovering from major surgery. A c-section is the only major abdominal surgery that gets no recovery time as the babies need care immediately.

Your doing a great job but if you want to FF go for it. Ring your friends and ask for help they're waiting for you to call. Tell DH to step up and most of all be kind to yourself.

I BF my 4m old & feeding one baby is hard enough. Be kind to yourself You shouldn't have to explain your choices to anyone, you have to do what's right for you just now. And in the nicest possible way, DH will have to just suck it up...
Agree with others about seeking support from GP/HV - perhaps best done sooner?

Ok it's only a sample size of 2 (although one of them did have two sets of twins ) but everyone I know who had twins had an arrangement where the mum and the dad each had one baby to deal with overnight. One set was fully breastfed for the first four months and mum would express for dad in the night.)

Maybe you could suggest that to your husband. Along the lines of "I spoke to someone who knows about breastfeeding twins today (I have two friends with twins - that makes me an expert right???) and she says that the only way I'll have the energy to produce enough milk for two is if you take overnight care of one of them"

I do genuinely think that this is something that would mean that you could carry on b-feeding if you want to. Plus I think that it would be useful to know if his pro-breastfeeding stance continues when he is up half the night too or if he suddenly cracks out the Cow & Gate.

Well, the husband has f*ed off to bed claiming he's ill, so no help for me this evening. He only ever gets sick at inconvenient times and bangs on about how he must rest so he can get better and support me. I feel so alone, which, if he carries on like this , I will be, permanently. Because he can bugger off. I'd cope without him. In fact, I'd rather be without him than rely on him and be disappointed.

Why am I saying all this? I always considered him a good husband and thought I'd picked one of the best ones. Or maybe it's me. Maybe I'm not cut it for family life full stop, never mind motherhood.

I think you are having a really difficult time. Sounds like your husband is also overwhelmed (and maybe also realising he's being a bit of an idiot about the whole wanting you to BF thing).

He should only have taken to bed if he is that ill that he will be off work tomorrow, in any case he should be ensuring you have what you need for the evening, eg sterilised bottles, food, drink, etc....

I'm not wishing to come to his defence but perhaps it is just hitting him how much life has changed. It hit me recently about having two under two and I don't even have twins. BUT, you can't just take to bed so easily.

Have you found a twins group? Or posted on the multiples thread? I'm sure you may get practical advice from them. Or is there a health visitor / nursery nurse with an interest and experience in multiples? Perhaps they could put you in touch with some local mums of twins.

Hang in there, you will be doing a good job. Make sure you are eating and drinking enough, shout for help from friends and family.

Ps I'm pretty sure the situation you are in this evening is one where if you have neighbours that you know, they would
be happy to help you with prepping bottles, changing, holding babies whilst you eat and get ready for bed.
I say this having had a section myself - everything takes a bit longer.
People will be more than willing to help, they just need to be told specific things they can do.
I really hope that my friends and neighbours would call on me in such a situation.

Don't make any rash decisions about your marriage. This period is probably the most testing time you've had.

Ask everyone you know to help out.
People are happy to chip in and the company will do you good too.
It is very lonely being a new mum, I'm sorry I didn't ask for more help.

On the bf vs ff
Do what works for you.

Please, please, please tell your friends you're struggling and need help tonight. If it feels easier, then just send a group text, so you know they can ignore.

I know that I can sometimes just assume friends are coping (even those with newborns - you're making me worry about them now!). But I would drop everything and be round like a shot if I thought for even a minute that they weren't.

He's not too ill for work, says he's going in regardless. I asked him if he could stay up a little longer to help with the current feeding session and start some dinner for me, which tonight means switch on the oven and put the beige food in. So I have no dinner. Maybe he is finding it overwhelming, but he's not said he is,and until he does, I can't assume he is. I did ask him what would happen if I got ill, and he just got all huffy.

There is a twins group locally,but I can't see me getting there for a few weeks at least. It's just that bit too inconvenient to get to, and the babies' schedule is non-existent, so leaving the house is difficult.

I'm trying not to say anything too rash to him. It's a tough time for everybody. I just feel like I'm not able to do this, and although he's here, I'm feeling very unsupported. Even my own mother has stopped ringing me.

The nanny arrives soon for the night shift. I'm thinking of telling her to completely bottle feed them overnight so I can sleep. I don't think I'm actually producing much milk at the moment, I've been checking my boobs today, and they aren't getting as full as they were. So maybe this is it for them. And if not, I'd hope that missing two feeds won't hurt.

Just pick up the phone and ring someone, or a group text as someone suggested.
Your husband is not being helpful tonight, and can't be that ill if he knows he is going to work. That's making me feel more like he's overwhelmed, which is in no way a defence of his behaviour.
Do what you need to do and maybe see if your health visitor could come and visit sooner rather than later to discuss some support.

Glad the nanny is arriving soon. She might be best placed to advise you about best way to get through tonight wrt feeding, the last thing you need is mastitis.

Sorry to be almost completely off topic here, but where oh where did you acquire a night nanny? I need one of these in my life!

Sending you lot's of hugs and sympathy OP, I'm sure you know it will get better, but that doesn't make it any easier in the mean time! I'm never sure how anyone copes with twins! But they do!

I cannot forgive my ex for not stepping up at the point you are at. I would recommend that you tell your drip of a DP that he get with the program this instant or (I'm not sure quite what). Just to be clear you will never forget his lack of support.

Bless you. I have one 3 week old (and DD5 and DS9) who I am not breast feeding, who had one bad night last night and I feel completely wrecked today. You sound super human to me. Pls let the night nanny feed them bottles tonight. You've breast fed for 3 weeks which is phenomenal. Pls give yourself some credit for what you're achieving every day. I wish I knew you and could help xx

Notimefortossers - friend of a friend of a friend used one and put us in touch with an agency. It's expensive, but definitely worth it for a few weeks while I get used to the babies. And she's a former midwife, so good to talk to about feeding etc.

Wallywobbles - you've touched on one of my fears - that I'll permanently resent DH if I continue to feel unsupported.

Thanks for all your replies. I've only directly acknowledged a couple, but I have read them all. Bedtime for me now.

Could you pm me a link to the agency please? In the morning obvs . . . hope you have a restful night