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Original poster

Feeling depressed because a lot of employers are discriminating me for having a child

69 replies

Mummytime12345 · 10/09/2015 11:16

Hi

Ever since I had a baby I have felt low but I feel even lower now because every time I go to a job interview I get asked either if I have a child which legally isn't allowed or prompted about if I have any other family or is there anyone else apart from my partner. This is really depressing as I have always seen myself as being a working mum and I would like to have a reasonably good job. I have been trying to go for a job that is the next step up from my previous role and this is hard enough to achieve let alone being discriminated too. I feel trapped and all I want to do is run away from this life. I feel very resentful at my partner who has a job and a life outside the home. All I want to do is make him feel my pain. I don't know what to do.

To make things worse, my 16 months old son is never grateful I'm here, he is much nicer to my partner and this really hurts.

OP posts:
Lweji · 10/09/2015 11:19

You know that children let go with those they feel most confident about? He knows you are there for him.

It's sad that you are asked those questions. What would happen if you said you didn't have children?

They couldn't accuse you of lying when you told them you did have, as they can't ask those questions.

Original poster
Mummytime12345 · 10/09/2015 11:48

Yeah I know, it just still makes me feel shitty though. :( My partner gets the nice treatment and every day he comes in from work he is so pleased to see my son and the feeling is the same with my son. I just wish I felt the same and was in that position of appreciating my son like he does.

I have thought about doing this but it is just so awkward in interviews when I'm being asked questions like "is there anyone else in your family" I know I could constantly lie but I know once I get in the job I will have to then admit to lying and this could lead to bad feelings in the office and if I was in my probationary period I could get laid off.

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TwmSionCati · 10/09/2015 11:50

They have NO RIGHT to ask that question.
Nonetheless once they find out you have parental responsibilities, you will find that e.g you are last in first out or the only one in the office without a contract (bitter experience).
Welcome to the world of being a mother..:)
Have you thought about setting up your own business at all?

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thunderbird69 · 10/09/2015 11:56

What sort of jobs are you applying for - I've never been asked about my family in a job interview. I have mentioned them in a job interview though, you can use them as evidence of having enhanced your skills; time management, patience, planning, organisation, problem solving etc.

Is it not obvious from your CV that you have recently had a baby anyhow?

Original poster
Mummytime12345 · 10/09/2015 12:03

I moved home just before my baby was born, this has been my excuse why I haven't got a job, I just keep saying I left my job to find work locally. I've feel even agencies are discriminating out here. I just feel trapped! My partner reckons that people around here are maybe a little backwards in that they don't look at my experience and knowledge first and what I could bring to the firm.

I wouldn't know where to start re starting my own business.

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Original poster
Mummytime12345 · 10/09/2015 12:05

I am applying for letting jobs, yesterday I applied for a Property Managers job. My experience though is in Property Management, but there are not many property management companies around here.

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thunderbird69 · 10/09/2015 12:21

I don't understand why you are lying to them - that would be more of a reason not to employ someone rather than them having a child.

merlottime · 10/09/2015 13:09

If I was asked if I have a family I'd be tempted to say 'yes I have a Mother,a Father, a Sister, a Brother (etc) - do you wish me to go on?..do you have a family?..'

Original poster
Mummytime12345 · 10/09/2015 13:23

I have hadn't necessarily lied to them, I've just not revealed my son to them. I had to yesterday in my interview as they prompted me again and asked if I had any other family. That's when I felt I had to come clean. I have experienced discrimination before thunderbird 69, what else should I do???!

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confusedandemployed · 10/09/2015 13:26

It is illegal to ask such questions. I would be tempted to covertly record the interviews, and if they ask such questions simply say that under the Equality Act they are breaking the law by asking such questions.
Then I would take them to an employment tribunal. But I am vindictive.

Original poster
Mummytime12345 · 10/09/2015 13:30

This is very tempting confusedandemployed, however, this is not going to get me a job and this is my main problem. :(

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thunderbird69 · 10/09/2015 13:42

Sorry, I thought you meant you made up the story that you left your job to find work locally rather than tell them that you left work because you'd had a baby.

Original poster
Mummytime12345 · 10/09/2015 13:47

No I did leave my job to work locally mainly because of my son, but they don't need to know this. I am not trying to reveal my son as I'm being discriminated. :(

OP posts:
trilbydoll · 10/09/2015 13:48

Could you just look confused and say "yes, I've got Mum / Dad / three Aunties (my Auntie Jane is crazy you should meet her)..." Then you haven't lied Smile and you've made it clear that's a bizarre question.

thunderbird69 · 10/09/2015 13:54

I think you just need to get some confident answers to these questions so that you are prepared next time they ask - just the same as you would prepare for other questions in an interview.
I don't know what the best thing to say would be, but be pleasant and matter of fact about the legal aspect of asking the questions. You know they can't ask it, you don't want to be accusatory nor give any indication of whether you do have children and/or partner.

Original poster
Mummytime12345 · 10/09/2015 14:00

Yeah lol, just sometimes it's not easy saying the right thing under pressure and you know they are probably trying to find this information out. To make things worse, yesterday in a panic I said my son goes to a childcare nursery (when he doesn't) but when asked where he goes i had to make a place up which gave the impression I forgot the name of it and where it was. The male interviewer made a joke at the end of the interview and said "hope you know where you parked your car" I'm so hoping he isn't taking the piss and knows I lied. What do you think?

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Original poster
Mummytime12345 · 10/09/2015 14:05

The problem is thunderbird, I keep getting asked why I left London, I can't mention the baby reason, so I just say its because I brought a house near family. Maybe I need to not reveal this part next time and just simply say I wanted to move out of London. It's tricky but thanks for the advice thunderbird 69.

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OllyBJolly · 10/09/2015 14:07

It's not illegal to ask the questions; it's illegal to discriminate against candidates based on the answers. For this reason, most companies know it's safer not to ask the questions.

I'm a bit surprised you are reporting this as common. I can't say discrimination doesn't exist because I know it does, but many, many women with children work. You must be interviewed sometimes by women with children. Seriously, recruitment agencies are very unlikely to ask these types of questions because they know the consequences. They might ask about availability, travel distance, flexibility etc but that is all job relevant. Is it possible you are misinterpreting the interviews?

It is still a very competitive job market and there might be other reasons you are not having any luck. You say you are applying for jobs a step above your previous role. Do you have a clear case to put forward to justify this?

My advice would be not to lie. Be clear and assertive if asked any dodgy questions about family or childcare*. "I have a husband and young son. You?"

(*If I was in work, and not desperate for a job, I'd be tempted to say "Can you explain how that is relevant to the job?" or "I hope you are asking all candidates that question?" but best to play it safe if not currently in work)

sweetheart · 10/09/2015 14:22

I would say something along the lines of "I feel I am an excellent candidate for this position and my family do not bear any reference to my ability to be able to fulfil this role. I'd like to tell you more about why I am the right candidate for this position"

sweetheart · 10/09/2015 14:23

Or I would just say yes I do have family and leave it at that. Cut them dead and make them squirm.

Original poster
Mummytime12345 · 10/09/2015 14:59

Ollybjolly, I had feelings after interviews and after revealing I had a baby that I was being discriminated. When I started looking for work, I went into office angels with my son and in Reed both after registering didn't come back to me. Not all employers are discriminating but I have been asked by an employer during an interview if I had kids, she put herself across like it was just a friendly question and claimed it weren't not a problem as they had been there too before, this doesn't mean she is being genuine just because she claims she was. It's an interview, everyone knows not to ask these questions. Yesterday, after revealing that I had a son, the male interviewer put his head down as if he was disappointed. All my interviews have lasted over 1 hour so I must be good candidate.

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Original poster
Mummytime12345 · 10/09/2015 15:02

Yes but sometimes you can't always give the right answers when under pressure.

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teacherwith2kids · 10/09/2015 15:09

I wonder whether the effort you are making to conceal the fact that you have a child is actually counterproductive, in that it makes you act as if you have something to hide? Knowing that you are leading up to telling a lie in the interview - or at least conceal the truth - may make all of your answers and your body language 'less than natural', which will then come across badly and lead to you not getting the job IYSWIM?

teacherwith2kids · 10/09/2015 15:13

I also wonder whether it is simply that you are

  • New to the area, in a job (lettings) in which knowing the area well might be considered an advantage
  • Have not been in work recently, however good the reason
  • Are applying for a job that is a step up, with perhaps not quite a strong enough case for why you are ready for this

Might it be a better approach to apply for a job at the same level as a previous role, for which you will then be a stronger, experienced candidate, and then apply from that job for the step up?