Feeling depressed because a lot of employers are discriminating me for having a child

[Mummytime12345]

Hi

Ever since I had a baby I have felt low but I feel even lower now because every time I go to a job interview I get asked either if I have a child which legally isn't allowed or prompted about if I have any other family or is there anyone else apart from my partner. This is really depressing as I have always seen myself as being a working mum and I would like to have a reasonably good job. I have been trying to go for a job that is the next step up from my previous role and this is hard enough to achieve let alone being discriminated too. I feel trapped and all I want to do is run away from this life. I feel very resentful at my partner who has a job and a life outside the home. All I want to do is make him feel my pain. I don't know what to do.

To make things worse, my 16 months old son is never grateful I'm here, he is much nicer to my partner and this really hurts.

I do also wonder - sorry about several messages - whether the fact that in 2 cases you took your child with you might have given the impression that you are not 'immediately available', because they might assume that you do not yet have reliable childcare in place (which is relevant to them, as if they offer you to potential employers it will rebound on them if you turn out not to be available in the timeframe needed)?

Have you tried follow-up visits to those agencies without your child with you?

(And your low state, unfortunately, may mean that you interview less well than you might have done in the past - an awful, vicious cycle as each rejection makes you lower - perhaps another reason to start low and then apply higher once you have got your 'in work' cheerful persona back ISWIM?)

All my interviews have lasted over 1 hour so I must be good candidate
No - this isn't the case. Time isn't an indicator of success at interview. In some cases, the shorter the better as the interviewer has gathered sufficient evidence to progress the candidate for the role.

From your later posts, I think you are reading too much into the situations. You took your child to two interviews with agencies - that would have given them cause for concern that you were not serious about a job. Agencies are notorious for not getting back to candidates who they think they can't place. It's not necessarily discrimination. It's the same with the interviewer who put his head down - you see disappointment , perhaps he remembered it was his turn to pick his son up from childcare and he was running late.

I agree with teacher . It may well be you are setting your sights too high and falling short at interview. You might be better going with jobs at a level you are confident with. Put the fact you are being discriminated agains t out your head. (because if you look for it, you'll see it). Go into the interview knowing you can do the job, and the only challenge you have ahead is convincing the interviewer.

Seriously - as a hiring manager - I look for reasons to hire people, I don't look for reasons not to.

I am a very very honest person usually, but after getting the impression that companies do not like to take on a mother with a baby has made me have to be dishonest. I personally think I can't win either way. I can tell the truth and be judged or not reveal i have a baby and when they find out i do have one be judged for not revealing it. I am in no good position either way.

"after getting the impression that companies do not like to take on a mother with a baby has made me have to be dishonest"

No, you have chosen to be dishonest. Your impression may be wrong. If you are genuinely the best candidate and, most importantly, come over as the best candidate at interview, you will get the job. If there are other candidates who are better qualified and / or are equally well qualified and come over better at interview, they will be employed instead....

Like OllyBJolkly, I have been a recruiting manager, and have employed all kinds f people including mothers returning to work with young children - but the over-riding consideration is always 'is this the best person for this job?'

It would be great if everyone thought the same way as you Ollybjolly. I am just not sure how to approach this. I worked for my previous company for 8 years nearly and I was only given a small step up as they liked me doing what I was really good and known to do. I do think that my confidence is being damaged through this process and going into any job could help this, the only thing is, it really makes me feel as if I am at the start again, like my previous experience doesn't count and has been discarded. I have been applying for jobs within my capability and nothing to high of a level.

Teacherwith2kids, I thought that being the right candidate was the important factor too before I had my son. I have been asked if I have children during an interview, discrimination is not something I am being paranoid about. I am thinking about moving home now and moving closer to London to give me a better chance of employment.

IF they are being this arsey about family at interview - why would you want to work for them anyway. They will only be worse when you actually work for them.

Personally I would say yes I do have family but care arrangements are in place for dependents. If they question more just say "Can I ask what relevance this is to the role? " For all they know you have a sahh so its all irrelevant.

I do agree organisations especially smaller ones try to avoid parents due to the impact of one person being out of the office

Mummytime

The point is that correlation is not causation.

You have a child, you have not got the jobs you have been interviewed for recently. These may or may not be connected - and may or may not be directly causally connected. In other words your maternity leave means that you have no recent experience, and another candidate did have recent experience, so they got the job, for example. Or, as I said, you looked unconvincing / dishonest around a question, and that might have lost you the job.

You have been asked about your family at interview - or as social conversation around the interview - and have mentioned your baby or had your baby with you (initially), lied unconvincingly about childcare arrangements (next), dodged the question or tried to avoid giving the information (most recently), if I read your posts correctly. In all those cases, was your interview otherwise brilliant? You were in your last job for a long time, so I presume haven't been interviewed for a while?

Rb68, I don't have childcare in place that the thing. I can hopefully have it in place in 2 weeks. Yes that is true regarding it wouldn't be an ideal company to work for anyway but I need a job with career prospects so I am desperate at this stage. I wouldn't work for a crap company for too long anyway, I would use them as a stepping stone.

I would genuinely recommend having robust childcare in place that you can switch on REALLY quickly - so that you can remove that 'hopefully' and sound really confident and assertive. I have applied for, and got, jobs with young children - in my case after a significant career break - and had the childcare ready to switch on the moment I got the job offer.

If an employer asks you 'when can you start?' you want to be able to say 'In x days' - or tomorrow.... If you say 'well, I hope that I can have childcare in place in a couple of weeks, I will let you know', then it is not discrimination for the company who need a new person NOW to take the person who is available now rather than you IYSWIM?

It's against the law for an employer to discriminate due to being a mother. If they ask you this question again, ask them why they need to know. I'm pretty sure that you will be able to work at exactly the same high standard whether you've given birth or not!!

If you do feel that you have been unfairly treated because you're a mum, seek help from the Citizens Advice Bureau and contact the person who interviewed you directly to ask them why you were turned down (for example). You shouldn't feel that you have to hide that you're a parent, everyone should be proud of their kids! I'm sickened that people are so quick to dismiss working mothers though.

I agree that you shouldn't be taking your son when visiting agencies, I always think, in the current climate, they should be treated the same way as you would treat a prospective employer. I wouldn't bring my DC around prospective employers. Also sadly it's not unusual for some to be... Shall we say, laid back rather than proactive. Some are better than others.

Are you registered with any of the specialist agencies that deal with recruitment of property professionals?

I also agree with PP that moving into the area might push you below a suitable candidate who has local knowledge, if you have good family links to the area I would stress them. I would also be tempted to say that you have moved due to partner's relocation. Any "fuzziness" around why you left your last post raises instant suspicion unfortunately.

as a lot of property companies have evening/weekend appointments etc, it's useful to know if employees can be flexible, perhaps this is their way of finding out? Could you "head them off at the pass" by raising this yourself? Your flexibility, not child

If you are feeling generally low, do you think a visit to your GP may help? What sort of support do you have, for you?

My interviews have always gone well. Some interviews, I weren't asked about my son and just didn't get the job. In the rest I was asked or slyly asked indirectly about if I have a child. I know not all companies discriminate, but as I said in a previous message, it is hard getting a job because not only am i trying to step up but I am also being discriminated.

I was asked if I had any other family, I then revealed my son, this was in my interview yesterday. The thing I stumbled over was answering about my sons day nursery as I made this up as I thought they would not like that I didn't have childcare in place, I told them I couldn't remember the place then I said the place it's near as I don't know the area well and they know this.

How many interviews have you had in total? Are they for a role you have done before?

"I'm sickened that people are so quick to dismiss working mothers though."

Tbh, I don't know whether people ARE quick to dismiss working mothers - it is the OP's perception that the only reason she is not getting the jobs she is applying for is that she is now a parent, but there are a number of other reasons why she may not be getting these jobs.

These reasons may be direct or indirect consequences of her being a mother, such as 'being low' / PND, not having recent work history, not having knowledge of the local area, or not being available to start for an undetermined length of time.

Or they could be completely unrelated - poor interview technique, appearing not entirely honest at interview, aiming too high with insufficient evidence etc.

OP, have you asked for feedback from the companies where you were unsuccessful?

"as I made this up"

Someone obviously making something up in an interview - or having the body language that suggested they were doing so - would be something I would take very seriously as a recruiter. An employer is, after all, employing someone in a position of some trust and responsibility - any evidence of lack of honesty in an interview would be unlikely to go down well....

I'm feeling low because I feel stuck. My partner is supportive but only if it works for him. I have asked him to put himself out but he puts his job first. I feel annoyed that my partner can carry on having his life whilst I struggle with house, child, interview rejections and dealing with how to create a future for myself.

(In other words, as an employer, I would not care whether or not you had a child, but I would care hugely that you were dishonest. It is not possible, from what you describe, to know whether

• Some other candidate was better
• the employer was discriminating against you due to your child
• the employer sensed or knew that you were lying - and wondered what else you might have been lying about/ what you might be untruthful about as an employee...)

Why don't you just say that your husband is a stay at home dad?

Then if you get the job and later on have to leave work if your son is ill you can shrug and say oh yes DH was a SAHD but he has a job now

I can understand that feeling of being stuck entirely - I had it as well. Talking about it later, DH said that he felt he HAD to put his job first as his was the only income coming in, and he couldn't risk it in any way.

Are there things that you can do that would make you more attractive to potential employers? Property doesn't sound like an area where one can volunteer - going into teaching was easier in that respect, as I did lots of volunteering before changing career. Are there courses that you could do? Could you find completely unrelated employment, even low level and part time, to get you back into the world of work and establish e..g. a base for childcare?

Teacherwith2kids, no one is saying it is right to lie. Of course employers don't want dishonest workers. When I went to the recruitment companies I explained to them at the time that I didn't have any childcare that day in place so I would need to take my son with me. They wanted to see me that day and couldn't wait, there was no other choice I had other than to bring my son along. I would prefer to not lie, but I have been asked about kids during my interviews and the fact that I am being asked this made me think that it would hinder me getting a job.

"the fact that I am being asked this made me think that it would hinder me getting a job"

But you didn't get the jobs when you weren't asked this, if my understanding is correct? I just feel that your bitterness about perceived discrimination - which may then come across in dishonesty, negativity etc in future job interviews - may be out of proportion and may be damaging your chances more than any discrimination there actually is, IYSWIM?

Are you referring to your dh and what does it stand for? My partner always hides behind the fact that he's the highest income earner and therefore if I put myself first I'm selfish and not giving my son the best in life. It really suck!!!

Some interviews, I weren't asked about my son and just didn't get the job. In the rest I was asked or slyly asked indirectly about if I have a child.

OP, you don't know why you didn't get the job unless you have received honest feedback. I do think if an employer was to give you feedback you would not listen and would insist it was discrimination. There is every likelihood there is no discrimination going on. Either you fell short at interview, or there was another candidate more suitable (local knowledge, more recent experience).

I would have no worries at all about someone telling me they had a nursery place. There would be alarm bells ringing if a candidate told me they had a nursery place, but didn't know what it was called or where it was. That's not discrimination; that's lack of credibility.

I would have thought being a family person would be an asset in a property management role. But I suspect you have it in your head that everyone is discriminating against you because you have a child.