Feeling depressed because a lot of employers are discriminating me for having a child

[Mummytime12345]

Hi

Ever since I had a baby I have felt low but I feel even lower now because every time I go to a job interview I get asked either if I have a child which legally isn't allowed or prompted about if I have any other family or is there anyone else apart from my partner. This is really depressing as I have always seen myself as being a working mum and I would like to have a reasonably good job. I have been trying to go for a job that is the next step up from my previous role and this is hard enough to achieve let alone being discriminated too. I feel trapped and all I want to do is run away from this life. I feel very resentful at my partner who has a job and a life outside the home. All I want to do is make him feel my pain. I don't know what to do.

To make things worse, my 16 months old son is never grateful I'm here, he is much nicer to my partner and this really hurts.

DH - dear husband.

He and I agreed that I would take a long career break to be a SAHM (we were equal earners when I became pregnant, but he has been massively the higher earner ever since) but the patterns of behaviour that were set up during that time - I did everything child-related and all the domestic things, he just worked and expected everything else to be done - needed reshaping when I returned to training and then to work, and that required quite a lot of readjustments!

Yeah I see what you mean teacherwith2kids, I don't want to cause problems to myself. I hate lying and all I want to do is go and tell the company that I had an interview yesterday with is that Im just having a rough time etc..... This won't help me though. Do you think this company won't be interested now? The interview went well though, it was just the baby part that made things a little awkward.

OllyBJolly has said it so much more succinctly than I have been able to!

Ollybjolly, I am not being paranoid, I have indeed been asked questions re having children, these questions are irrelevant to a job, do you agree? If you agree, why do you think they are asking? Do you think they are just simply being sociable and friendly?

You could go back to the company and ask for feedback on your interview - being relentlessly positive throughout

'Understand that you didn't get the job on this occasion, very keen to get into this area of work, wonder if they can give you any pointers as to what would have made you a better candidate' type of approach - perhaps give them some options 'Do I need to demonstrate better knowledge of the local area or did I lack particular skills required for this role?' etc. You will probably just get 'No, you were fine but another candidate was better on the day', but you might get lucky and get some honest feedback to improve your next application and interview.

You could ask them whether they have other vacancies coming up that they feel you might be suitable for, and say how much you would like to work for them so will be applying for those vacancies if you see them.... that sort of thing.

TBH, You're attitude on here can't be helping, that'll be coming across in the interviews.

I went back to work after 5yrs off to raise the children, and not much experience before.

Lots of mums I know work with young children.

Discrimination does happen, but I think in your case it's probably lack of local knowledge (not helpful to a property management company), being hazy around answers to questions, and generally having a negative attitude

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It is not discrimination to ask the question. It is illegal to discriminate on the basis of the answer.

In your case in your most recent interview, your answer first demonstrated evasion, and then dishonesty that lost you credibility - if I had been your interviewer, it was the evasiveness and the obvious dishonesty that showed lack of credibility, and would have lost you the job, nothing about the child.

As in 'No I have no children', answered honestly - fine. 'Yes i have a son', answered honestly, no problem . 'Erm, yes, erm, lie about nursery' - you've lost the job, because of the lie.

I was given feedback on the interviews and was told it went well but had been told quite a lot that i didnt have what they were looking for, why send me for an interview then???!!! Interviewers do make excuses up and their feedback is usually part truthful and part a lie so theres no point kistening really. I added this current issue on here because I needed advice, I am grateful for your help but please be a bit caring, after all I am feeling down ATM and this is a place to help each other, not to simply argue!!!!!

are you applying for a role you haven't done before? If you are, lack of experience in addition to local knowledge won't help you.

You may be better placed applying for a role you have experience of, and working upwards. If you haven't contacted any property recruitment specialists, I would do so, and they will be able to give you proper feedback maybe?

"i didnt have what they were looking for"

This is perhaps evidence that you are applying too high / are lacking certain key skills or knowledge needed for the jobs that you are applying for. Have you applied for lower level jobs?

I have been an interviewer, as well as interviewed, and tbh the only honest answer to 'why didn't I get the job' is 'because someone else was better.

But if you are getting a consistent message from several interviews that 'You don't have what we're looking for' (that is, in actual fact, quite specific, the usual formula would be much more 'you did well but on the day someone else happened to fit the role slightly better') I would take that at face value and seek to either fill some of the gaps through training or apply for lower level jobs at the moment.

If your son takes you for granted you have done a good job, he is secure in your care and happy. You say you are low and have been since he was born, moving and having a child are both big changes so you have coped well to manage both. Perhaps you need to start with trying to find something that will make you feel better generally. Could your partner look after your son one evening so you could join a class or something?

OP I really think you are getting way too caught up in the idea that you are being discriminated against, rather than looking at other reasons that you aren't getting these jobs.

You need to come across positive, confident, calm and experienced.

Bumbling over a nursery because you're lying won't give that impression. Nor will bringing a baby to what was effectively a job interview with a recruitment agency. That's not professional at all so that won't have made a good impression.

If someone asks if you have family, just say "Yes, I moved back here to be closer to them all" implying you mean sisters or parents.

Interviewers are saying different things but I have heard a lot of them say I didn't have what they were looking for. As I've said already, they saw my CV and asked me to attend the interview so this is a sure sign that I'm not applying for jobs beyond my experience. It's hard because I have experience in Property Management and there s hardly and companies around here that do property management, so I've been applying in lettings instead where my skill are transferrable but not matching. Other than this, I have been applying for general administration jobs and receptionist/admin jobs both of which I have experience in, especially reception work. I don't want to return to reception work as I've done it for over 10 years and am over experienced.

If you read above, you will see that I told the agencies I couldn't attend due to childcare and said I can only come along with my son, please stop judging me and read things fully.

He could look after him but because I keep getting down I don't go. Also, I go to the gym anyway in the evenings. I think I'm just frustrated because all this change has happened to me and I feel a different person, not necessarily always good, I guess I miss feeling me, having smart clothes, so money, seeing different things, achieving things and having a sense of direction, now I'm empty.

I also miss me and my partners relationship too, we used to go out and do things together now we hardly do as we haven't got the cash or baby sitters. I guess it's a combination of feelings upsetting me.

when they say you don't have what they are looknig for, this doesn't necessarily mean experience or qualifications it could be personality, attitude, presentation skills - so isn't always something they could tell form your CV.

Apart from the interview issues it clearly sounds like you are having trouble adjusting to being a mother and maybe this is what you need to be focusing on at the moment. It can be hard, but be assured that you most certainly will be 'seeing different things, achieving things and having a sense of direction'! Is there someone you can talk to about how you are feeling?

There's been some good advice for you on this thread, but I would agree you just sound very down generally. It can be very hard adjusting to being a parent and I know I felt quite resentful after my first DC, when instead of nice shoes,a acting like an adult and achieving at work, I was changing nappies and wiping dribble. Especially when DH was still able to leave the house and be an adult

It's good you get to the gym as exercise plus getting out is good. Could you go running in the fresh air, this did wonders for me.

Re the job hunting, while you are looking, could you do some volunteering or a course maybe in a sector you are interested in? This will give you the "doing something else" time and other stuff like sense of achievement etc, and might open doors in employment?