GRIEF OVER SEX SCAN RESULT

[snipersmum]

This might seem an extreme reaction, but yesterday I was told I would be having a girl, at my 20 wk scan. I started to cry uncontrollably, and feel so stupid and cross with myself. I have 2 boys already who are the light of my life, and my dream from a child was to be the mother of 3 boys. My DH feels the same and we feel as if we are grieving for the loss of a son we never had. I have quite complex reasons for being trepidacious of a girl, but know I should just be grateful baby is healthy. Honestly, has anyone else gone through this?

I'm so glad to have found this thread, which goes into the emotions of the other one in a slightly more candid way. The truth is, I daren't admit to people how much I want a girl and how little I want a boy. I've never had it totally confirmed on a scan what the sex is, it was always too hard to see and I stopped asking after the woman said 'probably a girl'. I'm terrified it will be born a boy and I will be a monster, and will be like 'take it away!' and I'm terrified of what one does with small penises, frankly - I mean, I know you don't do anything with them, but it's all a bit frightening and unknown to me. Pubescent boys, really terrifying! Admittedly a long way away. I know that every woman in my family has had a fierce love of their boy children, to the point that all of us girls feel our brothers were the favourite, but it still surprises me how many women want boys. I also get freaked out by the quasi-romantic relationship some women have with their sons, that Sons and Lovers by DH Lawrence thing (my husband 's mum held his hand in public this year, he said he had to fake a phone call from me to get her to drop it). So the whole boy issue just terrifies me. And I may still have a boy. Actually, at this point I'm kind of scared I won't instantly love a baby of either sex and will be one of the weird cold women who never wanted their babies.

I, er, may have overshared here. But anyway, thanks for the thread, it made me feel better.

Macneil, to address a specific issue - boys are way easier to clean up after a poo
My top tips is to paste the tiny willy down with a good dab of sudocrem as soon as you get the nappy off. Then when he inevitably has a good wee, at least it will not catch you in the eye.

Marina, I hadn't even considered these things. Thank you for the creative new opportunities you've given me to freak out a little bit more in my last week post birth.

Er, I mean PRE birth.

To Obaba - If it is any consolation, part of the shock was they told me at 14 weeks it was a boy, so I guess they really can get it wrong. 3andno more, thanks for asking this question - I have been mulling it over for the last day or so, and that process alone has been very helpful - I might even sit down and write a list of all my fears and dislikes of having a girl, and see if for evey item I can find a positive to counter it with. I told DS1 today (3 years old) it might be a girl, as he was getting so carried away with things to do with his little brother (he has been like that since the day he found out I was pregnant) and he was furious and told me to change it!

aww about your ds, bless him!
And hope you can work through this!

Snipersmum - I am really grateful to you for starting this thread as I am going through exactly the same thing.

We have one of each (we used the "Choose the Sex of Your Baby book" the 2nd time round) and had only ever planned two. We didn't try and determine the sex this time round but I spent the first 20 weeks of pregnancy visualising my three children, DS, DD and DD2.

I tried to find the gender out at 13 weeks but we couldn't see. At 21 weeks, I was told it was a boy!!

I've spent the last 6 weeks grieving for my "lost" DD2. I can't bear the thought of throwing away DD1's baby clothes as I still hanker for a DD2.

I'm not sad about having another DS - DS1 is a star and he is so happy to be having a baby brother and I love little boys. But I'm still grieving for DD2 and feel of women currently PG with a girl, or who have two or more daughters.

Trouble is, I'm 43 and DH would proably leave me if I suggested having a fourth (he's quite a lot older than me, and I'm pretty mature!). Plus, a fourth might well be a DS3 anyway!

This is the first time I've been able to express this and I have cried whilst reading this thread.

So Snipersmum, I feel exactly the same as you. I am starting to come to terms with it now and am hoping that No 3 will leave me so busy that all thoughts of hankering after another will rapidly dissappear!! I know I will love him, but wonder what a DD2 would be like......

I think that whichever sex they are, when you find out during pregnancy, I believe you sort of grieve the loss of the other sex. Because before you find out, you kind of want one of each in your head.

But when I found out when dd2 was born, it was just so exciting you are just thrilled and caught up in the moment.

Having done it both ways, I would never find out again I don't think.

Back in the beginning I envisaged a family of girls- preferably 3. We had girls names but no boys names and I'd always disliked little boys. DH is from a family of boys and our firstborn was the first grandaughter on that side. We were convinced she was a boy but only because we didn't dare hope she was a girl. When I was expecting number 2 I just assumed that because we'd had one girl the next would be another girl. It's the pattern in my own family to have a girl then a boy and for the boy to then be the favourite. I found out at the 32 week scan he was a boy and was devastated. Took me months to come to terms with it.

Number 3 was another boy. We didn't find out beforehand and after just a moment's disappointment that we would never have a second DD after all everything was fine.

Number 4 was a bonus and I was convinced this one was a girl. No. The mw told me off for expressing disappointment after the delivery.

Spin forward 15 years and another surprise pregnancy after 2 missed m/c. From the start I felt it was a girl but was obviously getting geared up for a boy. I had boys names and a picture in my head of our new DS. Amnio result- it's a girl. After all this time. Yet I'm grieving for the 4th DS we won't have. Bizarre or what? It makes no sense at all.

It's funny what your pregnancy brain does to you isn't it?
I have 2 ds's and am expecting dc3, I always thought that I would want a daughter, but this time around I can't help thinking about how lovely it would be to have three grown up boys to look after me when I'm old! I think of this baby as a boy and find myself looking at girls and wondering if I could cope!
It's rediculous because I don't know of anyone who wished their daughter was a boy or vice versa.

Then I flick past the 'trying to concieve' threads and feel really bad

obba -I think that 14 weeks is a bit early to tell isn't it?

hun i have 2 boys and 2 girls. nine years aago i lost my first child, a little boy and it devastated me. from childhood i only ever wanted one child, a girl so when i got pg a 2nd time and was told i was having a girl i was thrilled. however the baby turned out to be a little boy who is now nearly 8. when he was born he was a very difficult baby and i struggled to bond with him partly due to his dad being a complete shit and making me do housework as soon as i came home from hospital, after a 32 hour labour. i got pg again when my son was 18 months old and split up with their dad 3 months later. he was violent and i left and moved to a refuge on the other side of the country. when i found out at 35 weeks that this baby was also a boy, naturally i was worried but the labour proved easy (2 hrs 15 mins) and he was a very good baby sleeping through the night from birth and we bonded really well. i suffered from pnd prob due to being on my own at 20 with 2 lo's but my youngest son was my star, just looking at him could make me laugh. i have since gone on to have 2 little girls who are now 21months and 9 months and love them all dearly. i couldnt imagine being without any of them and though i do feel much more maternal towards the girls, i think this is because they are still babies and the boys are that much older, i rely on the two boys to help me out as i am mildly disabled and a single mum so could not get along without them. my youngest daughter is an absolute angel ,the best baby you could ever wish for and even though her big sis is a proper little witch she also i wonderful and i love her loads. dont worry hun you will get though it and be happier when you do. love to oyu and your family xxx

at my 22 week scan with ds2 i did not ask as i was concerened that if i knew he was another boy i would already be comparing him to ds1 before he was born. i dreamt i was having a girl and i suspose as dh has a son form a previous marraige had wanted a a girl for his sake. but at the end of the day i love my boys and cannot see myself with a daughter ever. also as its the male that sorts the sex out there is nothing on the female side to feel like a failure.

I've never admitted this to anyone but I too felt a little disappointed when I found out the sex at my 20 week scan. When I conceived dp had stated that he wanted a little boy and I had been convinced until the scan that I was pregnant with a little boy. When they said it was a little girl I felt happy to be having a girl, as I hadn't desperately wanted one sex or the other, but I felt sad because I'd thought that I'd known that dd was a ds. I felt as if I'd got it wrong in some sort of deep way and I did have to grieve for the ds I wasn't going to have. Dp actually didn't mind at all that we were going to have a dd and now we both adore her. Ideally I'd like another 2 children and I really wouldn't mind what sex they were.

I felt very odd when I found out I was having ds because I'd sort of pictured two little girls growing up together like me and my sister. Luckily, for some reason dd wanted a baby brother so that softened the blow a bit , as did all the "oh how wonderful, one of each" comments from family and friends. Of course, none of it matters in the end when it's just you and your new little baby gazing at each other. There's no way I could ever regret having ds.

Scans can be wrong by the way (although I wouldn't pin your hopes on it). My friend announced her pregnancy by handing me a scan photo and saying proudly "that's my fourth son". 'He' wasn't though. 'She' was her first daughter, a gorgeous little girl absolutely doted on by her big brothers.

I can't believe how much talking about this to you all and reading your experiences has helped me and I am really grateful for your honesty. I have spent today with another pg friend helping her choose baby stuff and tried to steer myself towards the girls stuff, which is the first step. Also, when baby kicked today I felt myself trying to imagine a girl inside me, which was almost like trying to get to know a whole new baby, it really does feel a different individual from the baby that was moving last week, which is very odd. I still am glad I know now though, as it took me a while to bond with DS1 (classic PND) and I do not want to feel disappointment at the as some of you have agreed. Bless you!!!!

i was TERRIFIED of having girls, i lost my mother at a young age, and had a difficult time throughout school by girls and into my adult life by women. I have always got on a thosand times better with blokes and would say to this day that i am not particulaily keen on women as a whole. May sound odd, but i have plenty of reasons for feeling the way i feel. I cant say enough how scared i was to have a girl, i dreamed of having a boy and when my eldest was born...i resented her. Hand on heart, and developed severe postnatal depression. but....now she is the light of my life, and if anyone was to offer me the chance of changing her for a boy....never. i went on to have another beautiful girl and although in my heart i will always want a boy, i now look forward to the relationship my children and i will develop as they grow up, look forward to sharing clothes and makeup (i will only be 40 when my eldest is 20 lol) explaining to them that men are from another planet etc...i cant stress enough how much i didnt want girls, it was even a total psycological thing...and how happy i now am to have them. I think you will find that too OP.

snipersmum. I am expecting no6 a boy, in March and that will make three of each which is fine. I wasn't sure how I felt about having a boy after three girls in a row. Then last week a friend of mine who is due in Feb found out that her baby will probably not live long after its birth. Since knowing this I have thanked my lucky stars that this baby seems fine. I can't contemplate what it would be like to lose him now. it kind of puts everything into perspective really .

Well we went for a private scan yesterday to find out properly and the doctor said he would bet his penis it is a girl. despite all the messages subtley telling me to be grateful she is healthy and that really I am lucky, I still spent all last night crying. i am sorry, but I do not take for grated that as soon as I will see her I will love her - it took me over 3 months to bond with my first, and I spent most of that time wishing someone would take him away - and he was a much wanted ivf baby. This pregnancy was a huge shock anyway and the only way I had been able to feel positive was that at least with 3 boys I knew what I was doing, and there would be no more to buy as clothes and toys would easily pass on. I dread having the same relationship with my daughter that I have with my mother, and right now I don't know which way to turn. If it is possible, DH is even sadder than me. I feel so sorry for this poor baby to be the innocent victim of all this negativity.

snipersmum - you poor thing. Please don?t feel guilty about it - you are only being honest about your feelings and have little control over them. There isn?t much logic in it but that doesn?t make it less real - just harder to do much about. You have my sympathies.
I have two girls, my sister has two, my cousin has three and I am one of three girls, with two female cousins. We do girls in a BIG way!! Fortunately, I was desperate for a girl -only realised it was so strong when she was born and I cried and cried in sheer relief. When DD2 came along I knew I wanted another girl and was delighted. However, DH would love a third child - and fancies a boy. I know he would love another girl anyway, but would really really like a boy. I have my girls so don?t mind either way. I know the odds are it would be a girl and feel rather anxiou about how DH will feel..Men are rather outnumered in our family already!

I have no pearls of wisdom to add. Just that if you do have a girl, it doesn?t all have to be pink Barbies and Ballet! My DD1 is the biggest tomboy going and I love her for it. They are more than just a "girl" or a "boy" - they are little people with funny little personalities and full of love for you.. Hang on to the other stuff and try to focus on no gender things to help find things to look forward to perhaps.
I think you are very brave and honest posting this - it is a silly taboo and clearly something many new mums worry about without feeling able to admit/discuss. xxxxxxxxxx

Snipersmum - forgive me, I have no expertise in this matter, but it occurs to me that you need proper counselling. Not tin-pot, someone's been on a six-week-course stuff, but proper - possibly psychodynamic - counselling. This is an area I do know something about, being a veteran of much therapy myself and having a DP who is a psychotherapist (re-trained because, in part, of the massive difference he could see in me). I wouldn't I think have been brave enough to have children at all without therapy. Please, do get help. Go to your GP and get referred; if s/he isn't sympathetic, see what private facilities are available in your area (Yellow Page) - some clincs offer student counsellors (these will be adults, not kids, I assure you) at a greatly reduced rate. You sound terribly sad and depressed, and I am sure you would benefit greatly from proper help. I hope this doesn't sound hectoring or bullying; I'm a bit evangelical as it helped me so much. I wish you the very best of luck, and I hope you come to love your DD very much.

yes, I agree with bugmum - you've already seen on this thread that nobody criticised you for the way you feel - if you can work up the courage to go for counselling, it may help you deal with your feelings. I always wished I had done that rather than spending the whole 9 months absolutely terrified of what would happen once the baby was born (I didn't find out it was a girl till she was born).

Yes but the other way round, I was told my 2nd daughter was a boy and was depressed for 4 months and then when she was born I was delighted she was a girl but then grieved for the son I had been trying to get my head around having, hormones don't help.
You're certainly not alone in feeling this way.

After reading this latest post snipersmum, I do agree with bugmum and others that you might find seeing a psychotherapist about these issues very helpful.
I was seeing a bereavement counsellor at the time I found out dd's sex, and I have to be honest, I am not sure I would have worked through my feelings about the news on my own. She was wonderful - helped me get ready to be mum to a daughter and resolve my own issues over mother-daughter relationships.
If you are in London, CAT me as I would be quite OK to pass on her details if you are interested.

snipersmum.
You will NOT have the same relationship with your baby that you had with your mum - because you will make sure you dont.
I have not spoken to my 'mother' for over 10 years and before that - barely for 10 years.
I have 4 ds's and 1 dd and she is very special to me.Our relationship could not be farther from the one i was brought up with. Your experiences will make you strong ....you know with a bad start you can learn to love and you will do this with dd.
please dont fret.
I cried buckets and said some really nasty stuff when i found out ds4 was ds!!! I love and worship him now (9 months)and feel so glad HE is in my life! hth