GRIEF OVER SEX SCAN RESULT

[snipersmum]

This might seem an extreme reaction, but yesterday I was told I would be having a girl, at my 20 wk scan. I started to cry uncontrollably, and feel so stupid and cross with myself. I have 2 boys already who are the light of my life, and my dream from a child was to be the mother of 3 boys. My DH feels the same and we feel as if we are grieving for the loss of a son we never had. I have quite complex reasons for being trepidacious of a girl, but know I should just be grateful baby is healthy. Honestly, has anyone else gone through this?

havent personally but I know there was a thread similiar to this yesterday..might be under pregnancy so you are not alone!

I think this is the problem with finding out the sex when you're pregnant. You can get your heart set on a particular sex. I didn't know the sex of my dd until she was handed to me at birth and I fell in love with her straight away, and whether she was a boy or girl was irrelevant. I don't know what your reasons for not wanting a girl are, but all babies are individuals and I promise you little girls are lovely

Sniper - no advice really but {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}.

From the moment I knew I was pg, I was absolutely convinced I was having a boy (no idea why I was so convinced) - I had always dreamed of having a girl and was disappointed - by the time the scan came, I had come round so much to the idea of having a boy, I think I would have been so disappointed and also cried if she had said it was a girl - but fortunately for us, it was a boy and now, having had him for 5 months, I can't imagine ever having a girl and would want another boy if we have another child - so whatever your reasons are, I can understand your disappointment.

HTH x

no. and as the mother of both a boy and a girl i can say without question that as soon as that baby is born you will love her just as much as you do your boys. you will enjoy the differences between the two sexes.

if you dream to have 3 boys then you can always have another child in a few years.

I have two girls. When I was first pregnant I miscarried a boy at 20 weeks. My SIL has a son who has many health problems. I want to have another child and if I found out I was carrying a boy I would be very upset due to the fear of losing him or because he may be unwell. It may sound irrational to some but that's how I feel. I understand what you mean.

I didn't find out the sex of my children as I didn't want the worry it would bring me.

Hi - I think this is a very common reaction to the news from your sex scan but one that is not often talked about.
I was disappointed to learn I was having a girl (I wanted a boy) at my scan during my second pregnancy. I did not discuss it very much as it seems so 'ungrateful' as you say. However it lead to bonding issues and post natal depression. Once I faced up to my disappointment and discussed it with my HV I started to feel much better. I turned out that a lot of my fears about having a girl were to do with my experiences of female relationships in my family - my mum hates her mum, sister etc. Long story!!

Anyway, my advice would be to talk to someone about your feelings. You hint that there may be a reason for your feelings and it is important to be honest and open about them.

My DD is now 2.5 and the absolute light of my life. I've learnt a lot from her and one of the biggest lessons is that history doesn't necessarily repeat itself - it's up to you to shape the future.

Sorry this is a bit rushed - have only touched on the subject really - am sure other posters will be along with more thorough responses.

Hi - I think this is a very common reaction to the news from your sex scan but one that is not often talked about.
I was disappointed to learn I was having a girl (I wanted a boy) at my scan during my second pregnancy. I did not discuss it very much as it seems so 'ungrateful' as you say. However it lead to bonding issues and post natal depression. Once I faced up to my disappointment and discussed it with my HV I started to feel much better. I turned out that a lot of my fears about having a girl were to do with my experiences of female relationships in my family - my mum hates her mum, sister etc. Long story!!

Anyway, my advice would be to talk to someone about your feelings. You hint that there may be a reason for your feelings and it is important to be honest and open about them.

My DD is now 2.5 and the absolute light of my life. I've learnt a lot from her and one of the biggest lessons is that history doesn't necessarily repeat itself - it's up to you to shape the future.

Sorry this is a bit rushed - have only touched on the subject really - am sure other posters will be along with more thorough responses.

snipersmum, I too cried when I found out dd's sex at the 20 week scan. At the time I was getting over a stillbirth the previous year and one of the consequences was I was barely speaking to my mother. From my own experience mother-daughter relationships consist mostly of respect, a tinge of fear and wariness, loyalty, but no intimacy or real emotional closeness. I looked at dd on the screen and all this went through my head
BUT - as soon as she was born we loved her, just as we loved her biggest brother and her brother who died.
I think it is very common to be taken by surprise by scan gender news, and pretty common to be upset. I am sure the sonographer didn't think twice about your reaction.

I think if you went to a doctor and told them your reaction to the scan you may well be offered counselling which could help you with your worries about having a girl. Especially as you are pregnant. This might well help.

Good luck.

DD is 2.5 years now. I was absolutely convinced that I was having a boy too. When the scan revealed that it was a girl, I was numb shocked. All my life, I knew that my first born would be a boy. I didn't grieve like you. But I took some time getting over the shock. But after that, many parents of girls expressed happiness and pleasure to hear that that it was a girl. Girls are supposedly easier, lovelier, sweet and really different to baby boys in so many ways. My dd is now the only girl amongst her friends (or rather, mums that I meet up with) and I love the fact that I had a girl. So I hope you'll eventually discover the joys of having a girl.

Message withdrawn

My reaction that my second was a boy was not as strong but I was still very sad.

I think you did exactly the right thing finding out at 20 weeks. Perhaps now you will have time to work through your feelings so that the actual birth will be more of a happy event for you. This is what happened to me. To some extent, I'll always wish I had a girl (we are stopping at 2, no more children) but I worked through my feelings and when DS2 was born, I was so happy. I wouldn't have him any other way now.

I was sure that I would be mother of two girls... through the pregnancy with my second I couldn't picture boys, and didn't have a sex scan.

I felt horrible when DS was born - I felt guilty for grieving for my two girls. I loved him, but I still grieved. It took a couple of months, and then one night I looked in at him and got all choked up that "I've got a little boy!!!"

I suddenly realised what I had rather than what I didn't have, and was able to let go of my two little girls.

I am now soooo happy with my DD and DS.

It takes a while to adjust your vision of the future, but when you do, you get a whole new one

I was told at my 20 week scan I was having a girl, and I was abit upset because DH wanted a boy and I felt id failed (I didnt really have a preferance). Then we really got used to the idea, picked out a name, started buying bits a bobs... then I had a growth scan at 26 or 27 weeks and I jokingly said "is it still a girl?" as I was standing up, and she told me to lie back down and she said "no, its a boy!". I nearly cried... I got so used to there being a little girl growing inside me, it felt she had gone, and there was ... an alien or something inside me. DH was upset aswell... it was really like we'd lost a daughter. It took us a few days to get over it. It sounds so silly! Now I couldnt imagine having a girl - I love having a little boy I think if it had been born a girl in the end, I would have had to almost greive again... not that i mind either way...just you "create" a little character almost in your head etc. ((hugs))

Forgot to add, im not asking next time - I really want a suprise, also I cant build it in my head to be something it isnt... But dont feel bad ((hugs))

I too was very upset at all my scans as was desperate for a daugher and ended up with three boys (twins and ds1) Its hard because if you talk about it, people can percieve you as ungratefull and being told that I should just feel pleased that it was healthy didn't help me much.
If you care about gender for whatever reason, it is a real and strong emotion, so don't let any one belittle that with any well meaning advice.
I actually think it is better to find out at scans, as you then have time to get used to it. Do your grieving etc then, then it will be easier when the baby is born.
If I hadn't known the twins were boys when they were born, after such a traumatic labour, I may well have rejected them temporarily.
You will get used to the idea, and then when she is here, it might be there as a thought, but as your relationship develops and you get to know her, I'm pretty confident you will both be fine

SM,
I just want to say I think you're brave to post this.
I already have 2 DS's, and when I found out I was PG with DB3 both DH and I were convinced it was a girl this time around.
However, at my 20wk scan we were told it was another boy. I'd had myself so hyped up for a girl, that I had tears running down my face all the way home. I felt selfish and stupid, and just like you put it, grieving the loss of a daughter I was never going to have.
However, I found these feelings soon passed and I can't wait to meet my 3rd son in 2.5 weeks time!! We have a name picked out, and he has everything with the two older brothers he will have.

I know this is no help as such, but I just wanted to say I completely understand your post, every word of it.

Enjoy your PG and baby girl. Daddy will have his two princesses to look after, and her brothers will love her and protect her forever!

I desperately wanted girls for quite complex reasons and didn't find out at scan for this reason. I had girls though! I have 2 friends who wanted to have boys again for reasons that are profound who found out they were having girls and they were quite distraught and devasted and grieved for the boy they never had. However the one who's just given birth fell in love with dd instantly and said in hindsight it was all fear and no big deal at all.

You are not alone, it's ok to be sad etc

snipersmum, I am actually quite of your girl! I have 3 boys but before I had children, all I wanted was a little girl, or preferably 2 little girls! I think your shock and upset is due to the fact that you had a dream and it had almost come true, you had your 2 boys and your dream family was only one boy away!
I was shocked to find out that ds1 was a boy, everyone in my mothers family had girls and girls tend to be favoured over boys which is very unfair. One of my aunts in particular was cooing over ds3 when he was a few weeks old and said to him in front of ds1 and ds2 "You were supposed to be a girl!" She also took pleasure in telling me about her neighbour who had 2 boys and then a girl and how this woman and her dh would leave the boys at home, take the daughter out and pretend that she was their only child!???
I was then very glad that I had boys. If I had had the 2 daughters I dreamed of, I would very likely have stopped there and never realised how lovely boys are and may very well have had the same mentality as my stupid aunt!
I'll bet that a year from now, your dd will be the light of your life and you will wonder how you ever imagined life without her. I wouldn't be without my boys now!

Be glad that you found out at this stage, as it will give you plenty of time to get used to the idea!
With es I really wished for a girl, as I just couldn't imagine what it would be like to have a boy, etc...well, at 20 weeks I found out it was a boy and even though my reaction wasn't as strong as yours, I was a bit disappointed, but by the time I had him I was happy either way and just glad that he was healthy!
A friend of mine who had her boy a few days before me never found out beforehand, and was sure she would have a girl, and said, she found my reaction a bit weird...well....she told me afterwards that now she wished she had known in advance, as the first moments with her Baby were not as wonderful as she was to shocked to see it was a boy....but then everyone is different!
Weird thing is, everyone expected me to be disappointed when I found out the sex of my other children, and thought I was wishing for the opposite, but with the toehr 2 it never bothered me!

I know you have had your heart set on another boy but im sure that by the time your dd arrives you will love her unconditionally. Also you only found out yesterday so you are still in shock, I think your reaction is normal. You have always wanted 3 boys and i expect from the moment you found out you were expecting you have believed that you would get your wish so finding out different is bound to evoke a reaction like the one you had. You still have several months left to get used to the idea, try not to dwell on the what may have been's and concentrate on the what will be's.

I never wanted a girl. Family issues. I now have boy, girl, boy and much as I would have loved 3 boys and wouldn't have pined for a girl, it is great having a daughter! She is amazing.

Hi there. I think what you're going through is very normal. I felt very odd for about a fortnight after I found out we were having a girl because I'd "known" it was a boy iykwim. I spent many a night crying because my boy had gone, aslmost like grief. You'll come round and discover the delights of little girls I promise you - and what a lucky one to have two older brothers looking out for her. xxx