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Original poster

GRIEF OVER SEX SCAN RESULT

84 replies

snipersmum · 22/11/2006 10:39

This might seem an extreme reaction, but yesterday I was told I would be having a girl, at my 20 wk scan. I started to cry uncontrollably, and feel so stupid and cross with myself. I have 2 boys already who are the light of my life, and my dream from a child was to be the mother of 3 boys. My DH feels the same and we feel as if we are grieving for the loss of a son we never had. I have quite complex reasons for being trepidacious of a girl, but know I should just be grateful baby is healthy. Honestly, has anyone else gone through this?

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Willow2 · 22/11/2006 17:13

Can understand how you are feeling, but maybe try to hold on to the thought that there are people who would desperately love to have at least one of each (and maybe have six of one!), and there are people - like me - who can't have anymore and would settle for just one more of any flavour. I'm sure that by the time your baby is born you will have got used to the idea and will fall for her big time, so try not to get too down now. Remember, also, that those pregnancy hormones won't be helping your powers of rational thought... things will seem a lot better soon, I'm sure x

pedilia · 22/11/2006 17:16

I was quite upset when I was told that DS2 was a boy but it didn't last long, I would have been more upset if I had been told there was a problem with baby.

He is two now and I love hime to bits and number three is on the way and is a girl!

Original poster

snipersmum · 22/11/2006 17:45

Thank you all for your posts - I have read all of them and am comforted more than I can say that you have been honest enough to empathise. I am glad I asked at the scan, as I wasn't told with DS1 and spent the whole pregnancy terrified it was a girl, and it really affected my labour,so as some of you have said, it is much better to come to terms with it now than after the birth. Sadly, the option of no. 4 is gone as hubby RAN to the vasectomy clinic after I showed him the test... I know that in time I will be able to tell myself there are hundreds of reasons girls are good, but that is a long way away today and I can't fast forward my emotions, but thanks to those who have suggested counselling - I actually feel much more peaceful already having shared my thoughts and than you to you all for not judging!

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NotAnOtter · 22/11/2006 17:59

i have started a thread like this before...
i have four boys and a girl and was desperate for a girl... had the scan and did not ask but went back the next day and asked
i cried and cried but love him to bits...
i actually find it refreshing that you love having boys because they seem to be the most undesired gender. you will love her to bits i ASSURE you x

lockets · 22/11/2006 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NotAnOtter · 22/11/2006 18:05

oh lockets !!!!! i do love you!

Tommy · 22/11/2006 18:18

that's why I don't want to find out...

I have 2 DSs and would like a girl this time but I know I won't care when I find out at the birth so I don't want to feel like you beforehand

popsycal · 22/11/2006 18:19

It worries me that many people get pregnat with such strong feelings about having a baby of one sex or the other. You will love it no matter what.

LittleSarah · 22/11/2006 18:30

I have never been bothered about the sex of my children, no dream image or anything but did have a strong feeling when I was pregnant that I would have a boy. I had 1 set boy's name and about 5 girl's name I couldn't decide on and I figured it didn't matter as I expected a boy.

Of course I had a gorgeous gorgeous girl.

Original poster

snipersmum · 22/11/2006 18:47

yes, popsycal, I know I will, and believe me I am not proud of feeling like this and have never felt it was my right to have one or other, but I am being honest about my feelings and the death of my dream, and am reassured to know there are otehrs out there who felt the same.

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Marina · 22/11/2006 19:29

I don't think they do though popsycal. Feelings one way or another can evolve during a pregnancy and be altered at any time by family circumstances, then thrown into relief or challenged at that 20 week scan. I honestly feel for most people it's not as clear-cut as that. I only realised (temporarily!) I was very churned-up about having a daughter when I found out I was having one...and knowing at 20 weeks gave me another 20 to mull it all over and welcome her hugely when she was born

LadyTophamHatt · 22/11/2006 19:33

I burst into tears when I was told this baby was another boy.

I sat sobbing in the car all the way home feeling utterly gutted about the little girl I'd never have.

I had to find out what I was having because I would have hated feeling even a tiny fraction of the dissapointment I felt at the scan after giving birth IYSWIM.
Within a day or so I felt fine and now I can't wait to have a a 4th boy.

msnomer · 22/11/2006 19:34

I just posted on the other similar thread to this that is very similar. I feel its not like rejecting the baby you are having its more mourning for the gender (in my case anyway) you will never have.

lockets · 22/11/2006 19:44

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foxinsocks · 22/11/2006 19:48

Hi sniper - wasn't going to post but I will now. I too was TERRIFIED when I got pregnant (the first time round) that I would have a girl. In fact, I was so frightened, I specifically asked not to be told at the scan because I was worried about what I might do if I found out it was a girl.

Anyway, turns out it was a girl and when she was born, she was the most beautiful little thing I had ever seen. I have had moments since then when I wonder how on earth I've managed to bring a little girl into this world and still cope (and had some not too helpful GP comments) but I promise you, it is possible, no matter what has happened in your past.

Remember, you're the one in control now and you (and dh) are already loving parents.

msnomer · 22/11/2006 19:50

Its odd because I am in the opposite position to these threads (I have a boy and convinced myself I was having a girl but its another boy) and I can't imagine not wanting one of each gender.

NotSoupyOhNoNoNoShesOnABreak · 22/11/2006 19:51

I was absolutely gutted when I found out that DS2 was a boy (accidentally at a 37 week growth scan) and cried loads. Not helped by the fact that I couldn't tell DH that I knew the sex since he didn't want to know. Needless to say I fell in love with him as soon as he was in my arms. For a long time I looked at himn and felt horribly guilty that I'd been so upset he was a boy but I finally realised that it really didn't matter how I'd felt and it was perfectly natural.

Then I was expecting BabyDragon and we decided to find out the sex at the 20 week scan. When they said she was a girl I was upset it wasn't another boy! There's simply no logic in it is there? I was, quite frankly, terrified. WTF was I meant to do with a girl?? Boys were easy! Of course, I fell in love with her as soon as she was in my arms....

I have to laugh at Greenday's comment "Girls are supposedly easier, lovelier, sweet", Hahahahahaha! Not BabyDragon - she's by far the worst of the three SmallDragons. God help us when she's a teenager if she's this bad now...

obabadabobba · 22/11/2006 20:15

welling up reading this thread.

I had a scan a few weeks ago at 14 weeks, I'm sure I saw a willy, I have 2 baby boys already and I feel very sad. Does anyone think 14 weeks is too early? it was very clear. I can't bare the thought of never having a daughter.

Marina · 22/11/2006 20:48

I had a chuckle at that one too NotSoupy. Dd already had a big "Beelzebub Incarnate" label on her at nursery and all that stops me moaning about this is the awful realisation that...basically...she is But we love her anyway, mad ham-throwing paddies and all.

3andnomore · 22/11/2006 22:27

now soup dragon and Marina....I personally believe it is just a 3 child thing, lol...having 3 boys and all that...my 3 was awkard in pg in labour at Birth and ever after, lol....but bless him, eh...poor fellow hasn't had the easiest start so, I can forgive him......
Must, say, as happy as I am with having 3 of the same sex...I would have loved a girl for the things you just can't do with a son, unless they turn out to be gay!

MerryChipmonkAndAHappyNewey · 23/11/2006 00:11

It's the ballet lessons and the pink clothes and for me, cloth nappy user, the pink fuzzi bunz have been known to reduce me to tears

3andnomore · 23/11/2006 00:15

Well, one of them better give me a grandaughter lateer, lol....meanwhile all the friends that have girls will definately receive Babygirl outfits...if they need them or not, lol!

MerryChipmonkAndAHappyNewey · 23/11/2006 00:17

I do sometimes see threads where a MNer is upset because her MIL, who only had sons, insists on buying yucky pink frilly outfits for their dd's.
Look out girls, I AM that future MIL!

Heathcliffscathy · 23/11/2006 00:19

marina what a fabulous post.

think it is very difficult for some women to contemplate having girls.

think it is a very good sign that you are feeling the greif and potentially going to address and deal with it, rather than as most times it going underground

we all have hopes and dreams and pictures in our mindseye of what our perfect family will look like and be like and it is rarely the case that at some point we are not disappointed in that.

i think you've been very honest to post this and feel sure that this honesty will carry you through.

talk to your unborn dd about this (if it doesn't feel to silly). start to think of her as a person now (she is). that might help a bit.

3andnomore · 23/11/2006 00:22

do you know Why you are feeling like this sniper? Just an honest question not a judgement of any kind!

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