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[FruitFriends]

In my quest to become the perfect healthy upper middle class mother, I accidentally blended my oldest son into a smoothie.

Also my youngest child's head has fallen off because I've had her a month and now she's going rotten.

What do I do?

Dear FruitFriends,
We need to contact you about your abhorrent treatment of your fruit children. They may be the seed bearing organs of plants but they have feelings and deserve your respect! You went through all the 9 months of pregnancy to bring these fabulous children into the world and now you're blending them. Are you an actual idiot?!
As for your youngest child's little mishap, may we suggest cellotape? Or a needle and thread to sew their head back on?
Your actions are unacceptable and we will be following this up with a full investigation led by the RSPCFF (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Fruit Friends), who will be in contact soon to arrange a house visit. Please ensure that your pelmets are in order before their arrival.
Kind regards to you Caller
FruitFriendsPolice

(P.s. What have you done today to make you feel proud?)

Please don't get too emotional, we're not Spanish. I respect your concerns but no need to panic; even though it's a sad sad situation, which is getting more and more abserd.

I was just trying to be a new me, I thought it would help the children, Orlando and Bloom, but I clearly didn't think it through. I now understand blending children is wrong. We do have such fun together, specially when we go for walks in the park with Uncle Edmund and the doggy Jasper.

Just about to grab a savory muffin (yuck, but there's nothing else) from my Cath Kidson polka dot muffin tin. I'd offer you one when you come round, but life is full of enough disappointments.

Now I shall sweep away with my trunkety necklace to have lunch with the girls at Hennera. Such fun!

But first I must sleep and avoid awkward breast claps. Goodnight!

Do not worry, for I am with news. What did you say? 'Go ahead caller?' I shall...
I do hope that your trip to Henners with the girls doesn't end in public nudity. And remember the most important rule of social occasionies. Find out where the eats are coming from and intercept them. I believe that the laugh this season is based on the song 'Poker Face' by Lady Ga Ga. I heard that from my what I call Mother.
My associate, Patricia Nelson, will be coming round to your house to carry out the assessment. She hopes that the children will not be covered in poo balls otherwise she shall have to wee in your ball pool before taking them away to be placed in foster care with Dick Twist.
If that happens, you'll never make it to Wembley with the Spice Girls.
Now I must dash to put on my bath robe (royal drying) before sacheying to the sachet to make myself a hot chocolate using my tiny kettle. Then it's into bed, quick cold bed dance, and sleep time. Or perhaps a bit of the sex.

M x

(P.s. I'm not Northern anymore)

Moist Plinth as it very much were