SAHM - can't decide - would love to hear from others who have given up careers to SAHM

[happyfeet2015]

I have found a new job for when mat leave ends - it pays very well and will be 4 days a week with 1 day from home. However, as the time approaches, I am absolutely dreading leaving my little one - she will be 12 months by then. We have a potential nanny and a family who would like to share the nanny in a nanny share arrangement but, in reality, I just don't want to miss out on my little ones first steps and all the other lovely firsts she will do this coming year. some people have said the thought of returning to work is worse than actually returning.

I would love to hear from others as to what they think, particularly those who stayed at home.

Justamum - when I say I don't regret going back to work for a minute that decision wasn't just about me I consider it was best for my children too. Like Squizita my mother ended up ill by staying at home with us and giving up her beloved career (it was more or less obligatory to do so in her day). Luckily for her she was able to go back to work by the time we started school and it hasn't had any long term ill effects on us as a family, but she often says how lucky women are these days compared to her in terms of being able to carry on working. So different things are right for different families.

But let's not forget how important those early years are, for both of you, I get the sense that those who have been at home for a long time and are now expressing regret are forgetting impact of those early days of simply holding a child when she's ill, or simply being there when a teenagers walks through the door after a tough day at school, God knows in this day & age it's more important than ever that we are physically there for our teenagers. The moment you have kids, your career takes a hit, you are the one taking time out for mat leave, you are (usually) the one school call if they are ill and doing the school run, let's not pretend it's a level playing field, because it isn't. For those saying that they want to teach their daughters independence I agree but families mean co-dependence, everyone relies on everyone else in that unit but in different ways, and that's not a bad life lessons to learn early on. Cameron may be trying to convince us all that our ultimate worth is how valuable we are as an economic unit, but I'm not buying that bullshit, sorry, I want to be with my kids and I'm sure I'll care for my Mom when she's elderly and I know what that's worth, and it can't be related to £££

Also I don't think it's wise to plan something like this around what ifs....what if he leaves me, what if he falls ill...well what if he doesn't? You need to protect yourself as much as you can financially yes certainly, but you can't plan something like this on the basis that he might leave you one day, what if he doesn't? Then you'll have speerately yourself form your child (and you don't seem to want to go) completely unnecessarily.

Suddenly are you a single parent? Does your dh have these considerations to deal with? Does he think 'but what if I'm not there for my teenager?'.
FWIW I work with troubled teens and whether both parents work isn't half as important as what they are like when they're home. I've seen some dreadful SAHP (alongside of course most happy sahp) - it isn't a cure - all.

The biggest issue I see now is absent but not officially absent fathers - working very long hours or shifts. It has an impact on the children and the mum.

My dh wants to rearrange his work to be at home more. No one wants to listen or discuss it ... no one says "what about the kids" in his male dominated work or considers he might want to see milestones or be there. There are no comments about his career being the result of him being brainwashed by the tories to believe he should work outside the home how incredibly patronising.
Interesting how he wants those conversations but they're denied to fathers, but always pop up for mothers.

Especially as - as I mentioned - there are huge issues with lack of kind, decent male role models that aren't just about money, sex and power.

I agree about the co-dependence, my DCs have always had me, their dad or their grandparents to look after them when they're ill (nearly always a parent), nearly always had a parent around after school (we use after school club about twice a year) despite us both working. That is co-dependence but in a different way.

Whoknows exactly - that's the ideal in my eyes. Both parents as carers and providers AND role models both in terms of home life and having skills.
Whatever politicians say about women working, nothing is ever done to help this become more viable.

I wouldn't actually want men to start getting comments like "don't you want to be with your kids?" like women do, or be made to feel selfish and unnatural for wanting the challenge of a career ... but bosses expecting a chat about flexible hours from both genders of parent, it not always being assumed that mum is the sahp etc would be great.

squizita no I'm not a single parent, should I plan a lifetime of childcare and career around the possibility that I might become one?

Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying that women are being brainwashed by Cameron, I'm saying changes in legislation, benefits and social services are all combining to suggest that being at home with your kids isn't enough, that they are more stimulated and better cared for in care. Being at home is worse than not valued, it's looked down upon at the moment. Ofcourse being at home doesn't guarantee being a good carer, again you've misunderstood as I didn't suggest that at all, but for a lot of women it's a good choice and I don't think op should be making this choice based on what might happen or society's current understanding that the only valuable woman is a working one.

I think it's the opposite (but then I would, as a working parent). To me there is still nowhere near enough support for working parents (I don't mean financial support specifically, but workplace habits, flexible hours for all, end of the long hours culture). Society still seems very geared up for the "mother at home or doing a lesser valued job than the father" model.

Suddenly that wasn't my point at all.

My point was, does your dh do this "I'd be a bad dad if I worked" soul searching and if not, why is it you that does it all?

...and not really your dh so much as men everywhere.
my dh has met with shock when voicing a desire to change work habits (how far he will travel, no overnight work etc) because he very much asks those questions.
Society wants women to have to work in flexibly and also feel bad about it ... wants men to work too and repress their fatherly side.

YY to Cameron not valuing at home carers. Don't think he values anyone, and don't get me started on Hunt, Gove etc ...

Take the job. You can always change your mind and leave but if you choose to be a SAHM and don't like it, it will be a lot harder to get another job.

WhoKnows it's interesting I feel exactly the same but opposite, if you see what I mean, so I feel like SAHMs are considered a complete drain on society & their families, that they are lazy, putting upon their partners, become stupid through lack of 'mental stimulation' etc etc I feel like working mums are presented as the ideal, 'refreshed' from being away from kids while at work so more patient (though that's never how I felt when I worked!), mpre interesting for spending their day engaging with adults, better role models, contributing to family and society in a way that can be measured.

squiditza no it was never in question, he earned more so he stayed at work. It wasn't even up for discussion as it just didn't make sense financially for me to stay at work.

But also my job was interrupted from the very start, I was the one off sick with horrendous morning sickness, not him, the disruption to your career starts immediately.

It does, doesn't it, I was on a thread about ante-natal classes yesterday, my NHS ones were weekdays at lunchtime which was a massive PITA as I worked 25 miles from home, and DH couldn't come to them at all.

Suddenly - I think working mums often get a bashing for such things as "putting themselves before the children", "using institutionalised child care" and the old chestnut of "why have children if you're not going to look after them". Then there's all the short notice working day demands on your time from primary schools. I think the grass is always greener to some extent, although I never wanted to be a SAHM, I can see that in society as a whole we need both SAH and WOH parents. My friend who is a long term SAHP does lots of voluntary work and campaigning about important causes that I'd never have time for. OTOH my DS has SNs and I'm incredibly grateful for all the working mothers who support him in school, teach him, do his occupational therapy etc.