SAHM - can't decide - would love to hear from others who have given up careers to SAHM

[happyfeet2015]

I have found a new job for when mat leave ends - it pays very well and will be 4 days a week with 1 day from home. However, as the time approaches, I am absolutely dreading leaving my little one - she will be 12 months by then. We have a potential nanny and a family who would like to share the nanny in a nanny share arrangement but, in reality, I just don't want to miss out on my little ones first steps and all the other lovely firsts she will do this coming year. some people have said the thought of returning to work is worse than actually returning.

I would love to hear from others as to what they think, particularly those who stayed at home.

I would stay with baby - in fact, I do. There will be work opportunities on the future and you only get one chance to spend these years with your child. They're really not little for long.

I went back to work very early for both my DCs ( 4 months and 5 months ), not because I wanted to but because I'm more or less the sole breadwinner ( DP earns pocket money, no way we could live on his earnings even if we had no DCs).
It was horrible, I felt robbed of part of me, very resentful and unhappy. Then things settled and I made the most of my time with each of them. I was freelancing for DS1, so had weeks at home in between jobs, had a more steady job for DS2 with more comfortable hours.
I would have dropped everything with DS1, would have moved back with my parents even! as I wanted so much to be with the little man.
But years after, I'm glad I stuck it out.
I haven't missed on milestones ( who said they will walk when you're at work? and it's never a case of doing things for the first time and then it's done, it takes trial and error so you won't miss out ), I cherish holidays and week-ends, I take days off for important things or just to be with them when they need vaccination or have some school event .
You can't have everything, but I would say, try it out. Your deal seems absolutely ideal and I would have loved something similar! I went back to crazy 7 days a week freelance sometimes, no regular hours, having to find support in family and childminders I chose for flexibility, not affinity.
You seem to have a very good setup awaiting you, I would really try it out. Of course your gut feeling is to stay at home at this moment in time. But the reality is a bit more complex as time goes by I think...

I went back to work 3 days a week when my dd1 was only 5 months - big mistake. I had a profession, but the job just did not suit part-time and I missed her terribly. I quit after a year of stress and illness caused by stress. Since then I have found other work which has been more family friendly. It's often meant working weekends in low paid work but has given me precious time to be with my children. I have no regrets. Now they are both at school I am now pursuing a career again. Give it a go and see what suits you and your family.

I loved my maternity leave, being at home with DD, but finances dictated I go back to work. I was made redundant on mat leave so going back wasn't an option. Part time jobs, at my level, in my career don't exist so for past 15 months I've been working well below my skill and pay level. About 6 weeks ago I left my job to take go freelance, but I miss the job security and working in a larger team. So I've been applying for full time jobs in my chosen career to get back on the ladder, so to speak, before I'm out for too long. My decision is helped by the fact my DD loves her nursery! I loved being at home with her but finding the toddler years hard going - she's coming up two. I'm currently at home with her four days a week, two on my own then my husband is off weekends so don't find those as stressful! I'd say take the job and see how you get on. There's no right or wrong, only what's best for you and your family. I know I couldn't have done full time when my DD was younger (something we did consider as I have the potential to earn more than my husband) but I feel now she is a little older I, and knowing she is really settled into nursery, it's something that will be good for us all.

I think four days sounds great.

I carried on with my career after having my first child but struggled after my second.

So I think you should do it for as long as you can and review things after you have settled into your job and/or if you have another child.

I also think it's relevant how old you are. If you are young enough to pick your career back up after a break you could risk it. However it is definitely difficult to find a remotely decent job after any period of time out.

I handed in my notice because of two maternity leaves that were very close together, I did not feel comfortable taking the pay. I also knew that I did not want to work full time but would work part time but that was not a realistic option.

I love being a SAHM, I am truly relaxed and content. No deadlines, no clock watching and no stress. Every day is mine to do as I wish and that is a huge luxury.

It's all well and good saying to parents don't give up job for financial security to be a sahp, but if you or your partner get ill or die how are you going to pay childcare or your mortgage? You need to have good insurance in place for such eventualities. You really need to have them even if you are a sahp, otherwise you are also on a sticky wicket.

As a pp already experienced the bad luck fairy got me and gave me a lovely auto immune disease, it was exasperated by city working and my employer couldn't get rid of me fast enough. I was nearly hospitalised at one point, but as soon as I gave up being a wohm my symptoms started to go dormant (until the next time).

Suddenly getting off the mad merry-go-round of city working made our lives so much better. There is virtually no stress now, both of us were always 3 steps behind, trying to cram everything we needed doing after 7pm every night and no time to relax.

I'm under no illusions that I may never earn more than NMW, but I am volunteering to keep my cv full and make contacts.

We own a fair proportion of our home so NMW wouldn't be so bad I don't think.

I left a very hard-fought for career to be a SAHM. I'm 4 years and 2 kids in, it can be boring and lonely just as working outside of the home can be boring and lonely...I went back to work briefly when my eldest was a year old and I did miss her first steps, and that felt like shit. I absolutely agree you must think about your future and plan as much as can you to protect yourself financially but do not get caught up defining yourself by your work. You may feel lost once your older children have flown the nest, but that happens in work too - what about when you lose your job? When you retire? When you are passed over for promotion? Who are you then? Your sense of self shouldn't rest on what you do for a living. In my cut-throat profession, you are completely replaceable, I've seen many women give up everything - their health, their relationships etc - only to be passed over once the next hot shot arrives. This happened recently to a very close competitor of mine, I so envied his position at one time but now he's been thrown passed over for promotion by a scrupulous boss along with those who came before him - what if I'd have missed those 4 years with my babies to compete with him? I'd be no further along in my career and I'd have missed out with my children, I was so grateful that I'd turned my back on it when I heard what had happened to him. Those who are implying that on balance it's not worth losing pace with your career to be there during the baby & pre-school years, I spent today holding my toddler while she was suffering badly with teething pain, she was only happy laying on my chest and once there she sighed contentedly, you can't put a price on that and you can't get that time back. I wasn't resenting it, I wasn't worrying about getting back to work or using sick days or holiday to care for a sick child, I just held her while she needed me. Simple.

I love working and have a 1 yr old and 3 yr old...but actually I think 4 days is too much work ...as others say they are only small for a short time...could you do 3 days ? I have done 4 and 3 and always felt a bit sad doing 4...

Hello my advice to you would be very definitely to follow your instincts. Wanting to be home with your baby is the most natural thing in the world. Of course you want to see her first steps! I do not believe that taking a few years out will damage your career. If you're good, you'll be fine getting back in.
I took 18 months off (from an interesting and relatively well paid job with a national arts charity) with my son and then by choice, took a p/t job locally for far less money but it was in a really cool start-up. I was able to work 15 hrs a week which I really enjoyed and gained experience, but still spend most of the day with my son.

I did this for a year before going on maternity leave with baby boy no 2. I then took two years off with this baby before, again taking pt work with a small arts org which I could work around my child. It also meant that he started at a nursery for x2 morns a week which he loves and thrives in. During this time I also joined the board of an organisation - more voluntary experience.

When he was 2.5 I recognised that our family needed more money to do the things it needed to do, because we made significant sacrifices for me to stay home- namely to buy a house. My boys were totally worth the sacrifice!

My boys are confident and well adjusted preschoolers because I've given them both time with me to snuggle and play and learn, and ALSO fostered their independence (ie time at wonderful carefully chosen nurseries/childminders). I really believe in this mix. A few months ago I took a role which essentially continues the career I had before kids. Effectively it is a promotion, despite the career break, and I earn more money than before. It was a full time job that I applied for but stated in my cover letter that I only wanted part time. I was interviewed by my manager, the CFO and the CEO and they still hired me on these terms. I now work 2 days in the office and half a day from home. It's a juggle but I'm happy and ready to be back working....and we are on the cusp of buying a very much longed for home of our own.
Sorry for the novella but it's really important subject. Our babies need us, especially in those first two years, so do what's best for you and your baby. Good luck.

My contract ended when I was six months pg with twins and besides the odd temp post I have been a SAHM for the past five years. I didn't have an amazing career, but a good job that I loved. Sadly, my job has gone forever as I worked for my local library.

I love being a SAHM for the most part but I do find it frustratingly dull sometimes. I'm trying to do some creative writing and more hobbies, and I'm going to volunteer at my kids' school next term because I feel the time is right to start looking at returning to work. I'm so glad I've been able to be around for all the important milestones in the early years though.

Follow your instincts. If it's too soon to go back it's too soon. It's the most natural thing in the world for a mother to be at home with her 1 year old and want to see all the firsts. Believe me you will miss out on them. If you are good at what you do there will always be opportunities there. Don't miss out on this precious time. I just went back after a two year break (it was a f/t and they gave it to me pt 2 days at home and a day at home) and effectively got promoted.

If I'd trusted my instincts I would have sunk deeper into miserable isolation, fearing what would happen if I left dd for a moment (also feeling guilt if I left her at all, thanks to certain rhetoric on online parenting sites) and basically would be both miserable and not actually parenting that well.

I would definitely advocate balancing instinct with logic - and not confusing fear/nerves/guilt with devotion.
Not what you're scared to do.
Not what guilt tells you to do.
What you want and what your reason tells you is a good idea.

Still don't get men having this discussion ever.

I have stayed home with my children for 11 years. It's been great for them, and I've been content in the role after an early adjustment period.
On the other hand, I'd like to return to work now and am finding it nearly possible. I have a masters degree, and some decent work experience under my belt, but I am having no success. I can't step back on the ladder where I left off, and I don't seem to fit into less qualified roles because of my age and experience. I am looking for "the on ramp," but cannot seem to find it.

Kind of saddened that the only thoughts discussed are what is best for mum - how about the kiddies? What's truly best for them in their early years? Perhaps they want/need mum or dad about to give them the best secure start. Been off 6 years with my two and don't regret it for a moment - love, laughter, bonding (and yes, the occasional boring/gonna loose my sanity times) easily outweigh dull meetings, emails, office politics. I'm now thinking about what to do when the youngest starts school and I'm quite excited by the prospect of trying something new - perhaps self employment to fit around being there whilst they need me - it won't be forever. They will always come first, I've loved this time with them away from the 9-5. I would not change it for a second and feel they have benefited too.

I think lots of people are pointing out the risks of not returning to work, however there are also risks and things you can regret if you do go back to work. You child will miss some important time with you, and as I once read in a book about worrying less, usually the big problems in life are not things we worry about. You might be better off financially but the impact of your presence on your child's life is priceless ('why love matters' is a great book). If you spend sometime thinking about returning to work/studying, even if it's 7 or 10 years, better opportunities might arise (see 'women returners' website for inspiration). I thought I was going to go back after 6 months but then realised there was no way I could leave my child all day with someone else - I would suffer deeply knowing that no one else could give him the love I could, as professional and caring as they were. I did have a brilliant well paid job, but realised we are all much happier with me staying at home, even if we have to cut on some items. I think you have to listen to your heart and and think about the long term. Yes there are problems in staying at home but there are also big problems of working - not being there to hug them when they cry/are ill for me is a huge one

Haven't read all the posts. For me, I just couldn't hack it as a SAHM. I did it for three months when my daughter was 18 months. I had a career which I gave up to be at home with her, but I was totally miserable! It wasn't at all like how I imagined it would be. Yes, it was lovely being with her, but I found that after a few weeks of doing countless mother and toddler activities, having an immaculate house and baking every other day, I was bored witless and fought with my husband constantly! I then went back to a job that I was over qualified for on three days a week, which was great, but I got restless and ended up being promoted.
I would say try the part time role, and if it doesn't work out then give being a SAHM a go- the longer you are out of work the harder it is to go back!

I would be very careful in giving up work. I did - and now, early 50s, regret it. It is VERY hard to get back into the job market. Plus, please think of your missed pension years. If you do end up being a SAHM, ensure it's only for a few years. Go part-time - keep your hand in and your CV uptodate

There will be work opportunities on the future

Well come back and tell us in a few years time how easily you can return to employment, those of us, like what. myself (and others) have our degrees, years of experience etc etc but are finding it very, very difficult to get back into the job market, and as chancer says PLEASE ensure your pension contributions are kept up to date.

I think part time work can be an excellent compromise, depending of course on how many hours you work, and how flexible your employers are!

When I had my children, I put my career on the back burner, gave up my responsibility and cut my hours right back to the minimum. After I had DD1, I was only teaching 9 hours a week, (the rest I worked from home).

Over the years, I've worked a variety of different hours but I think my favourite was when I worked 9 - 12 every day. DD still had a good hour's sleep every morning at that point. So of the three hours I left her, I was only really missing out on 1.5 - 2 hours per day. As the nursery was literally adjacent to where I worked, I'd pick her up just after 12, and we'd have the rest of the day together - 7 waking hours every day to go to toddler groups, see friends etc... As DD started preschool at 3, I worked preschool hours, so more or less as far as she was concerned, I was no different to a SAHM, When my youngest started school, I increased my hours and did 9-2 every day. Now my eldest is starting secondary, I'm back to full time and I still only need one hour or so of childcare a week. (My parents pick up for me twice a week). As I've increased my hours, I've taken on more and more responsibility again, so that in a couple of years when my youngest starts secondary, I'm going to start looking for a senior management role.

In contrast, I have friends who did the SAHM thing, but have struggled to even get back into main scale teaching again. They're top of pay band, haven't taught for 10+ years, education is a completely different beast now and the return to teaching courses have long since disappeared. Many are now doing low paid TA jobs to try and get back in to teaching, or are volunteering at local schools etc... Whereas I'm heading for management, they're still trying to get back to where they were when they started, not even back to where they were before they left teaching!

And yet, I don't feel I've missed out at all on the early childhood years. I was only ever away for a few hours at a time - and when DD 2 was at preschool, she once told them I didn't work - as I was always there for her.

Sorry, that has turned out to be long, but what I'm trying to say it does not have to be the stark choice between giving up work or leaving your children. Working does not have to mean missing out on your children. I've always worked, and don't feel that I've missed out at all. However, I did have to change my job and the sector I work in to achieve it. I know this doesn't work in all sectors, and I'm lucky to have had such good bosses that have allowed me to work around my children's needs, but I have other friends who have done similar in different jobs. Minimal part time hours when the children are young, increasing the hours and the responsibility as the children grow. I found it a good compromise, because when my DC were young, they were my focus and my hours were minimal. Now the DC are older, and I'm just a glorified taxi for them, I'm picking up my career and my interests again... As they need me less, I'm able to take on more again at work, and for me at least, it has worked well!

I think you're in an amazingly privileged position here being able to go back 4 days a week . I went back 4 days a week after my second child and it worked out great. Some time for my kids to socialise and make a stable, consistent set of friends whilst I went and challenged myself mentally, one day together the 3 of us, and a quality weekend as a family.

I value my financial independence greatly and could never see myself asking my husband for money. I also think that it would be a huge burden on him to be the sole breadwinner. And why should he be? I am trying to show my girls that they should aspire to be independent women running alongside men not trailing behind them or being carried. Having a part-time well paid role is a great opportunity. What happens when they go to school in 4 years time? It is easy to think just of the near future but the truth is, if you keep up some momentum on your career it will be much easier to get back on the work wagon again, than from a standing start.

There are some scary stories on MN of women who gave up their jobs and regretted it a few years down the line. You will feel guilty for the first couple of weeks, it's natural, but it does pass once you all settle into a routine

I must say we are all speaking with the perspective of doing it in one way or another. But there is no denying leaving a one year old will feel horrible and shitty because you have spent a year doing all the really tough baby bits and just as you are about to be rewarded with first words and steps and funny cute stuff, you have to go back. Plus it is usually when separation anxiety is really kicking in! But it is just a phase, so make sure you don't decide your whole future on a phase. Your baby will still be your baby after work.

I went back, FT after 1st DC, 3 days after 2nd DC two years later and don't regret it for a moment. They are 9 and 11 now and I simply can't imagine being at home all the time they are at school, although life is a constant juggle, especially during the school holidays. DS is at that awkward age a PP mentioned, a bit old for organised childcare but too young to be left at home. Working was easier when they were pre-school age and I'm really glad I put in the time then as it means I have a lot more flexibility in my work now. Also they only have vague recollection of the pre-school years now, I didn't miss out on any significant firsts and by working p/t I still get to do a lot of stuff that SAHMS do (I work 15 hours/week during school hours now) as well as enjoying my paid work and the money it brings in. I can only think of one mum in my circle of friends who has never gone back to work, it has all worked out fine so far for her and her family, but they have adopted very traditional "mother does entirety of home and children, father works long hours and indulges hobbies at weekends" roles, which wouldn't suit us.

I should add that I did a year as SAHM when the DCs were 4 and 6, as a result of redundancy and thoroughly enjoyed having the time at home then, but I was very ready to go back to work again when youngest had started school and was lucky to find p/t flexible work in my old career, that certainly wouldn't have happened if I had not gone back after they were born.

Justamum it is a mum - a human being - asking. Please don't act like she's being selfish and not thinking about her kids.

I've read a hell of a lot about the kids in this thread, quite rightly. Many SAHP conversely have (also rightly) spoken about how it's right for them.

Anyone been on dads net and asked if they don't think of their kids if they talk about their lives as well as their kids.

The "once you're a mum, think only of your kids" was something I fell into wholesale and actually made myself psychologically ill. I couldn't leave her, neglected myself severely. As a result I parented really badly ... not to mention being ill and thinking those who tried to help me were lax and didn't love children enough.