SAHM - can't decide - would love to hear from others who have given up careers to SAHM

[happyfeet2015]

I have found a new job for when mat leave ends - it pays very well and will be 4 days a week with 1 day from home. However, as the time approaches, I am absolutely dreading leaving my little one - she will be 12 months by then. We have a potential nanny and a family who would like to share the nanny in a nanny share arrangement but, in reality, I just don't want to miss out on my little ones first steps and all the other lovely firsts she will do this coming year. some people have said the thought of returning to work is worse than actually returning.

I would love to hear from others as to what they think, particularly those who stayed at home.

That doesn't mean you mightn't want to stop work or pause it for a while anyway, of course. You might well want to for other reasons and that's fine. You just shouldn't feel that it's up to you to make a financial case for you working in isolation from what your dh brings in, taking on all the childcare costs as somehow personal rather than joint costs.

I chose a career with very high levels of responsibility (which consumed me) and long hours, generally missed bedtimes. Then I got a very unpleasant disease which is hell bent on killing me. Lost my career and I am a SAHM and apart from the disease itself it was actually a gift. It forced me to see what really matters and showed me how much I wasn't there for my kids and how that felt for them.

I went back to work when dd was 10 mo doing 3 days a week. Now she's 16 mo and I'm doing 4. Surprisingly found 4 alright, I really look forward to spending quality time on dd day, whereas with 3 days it was a bit more of a slog, I've got more patience now.

Will say though that sahm was never for me.

would rather regret the loss of my previous career than regret having missed the day to day life of my DC.

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Would rather regret the loss of my previous career than regret having missed the day to day life of my DC.

I wonder how many of you will really say that when your children have grown up - I am now in a NMW job - actually earning significantly less than the NMW because the requirements of the job cannot be done in the hours that I am paid. My teenage son earns more doing a paper round than I do.

I bitterly regret giving up my professional, well paid job.

Ragwort.... pretty sure I will.

I am a SAHM but I never had a career. I got my degree but then worked as a civil servant so no actual career just a job.

I have been a SAHM for 11 years, I returned to work part time after Ds1 was born. This has allowed Dh to build his career. Like Furry I have a medical condition that took several years of my life pre children.

I just about coped physically with work after Ds1 but after a relocation with Dh's much better paid job and before I could find work my medical condition improved drastically. As we wanted a second child it made sense for me to recover my health.

We have discussed it and I probably won't ever return to work. Health wise I would be taking a risk. We cope perfectly fine on the money we have.

It comes down to how much you would regret leaving your career behind.

Definitely try out going back so you can make an informed choice. Not sure if you've said if you're married or not, but I'd say don't become a SAHm if you're not as you won't have financial protection if things go wrong.

ragwort your posts are really sad. It's ridiculous that our society doesn't value people's previous experience and the experience of being a sahm. The whole world of work still works on the assumption you have no caring responsibilities. It's to the detriment of all of us that it's this way and so much talent and ability is lost. It makes me very angry.

I think how much of your children's lives you miss when working depends a lot on your hours and journey. I work four days and I cycle my ds to nursery at 9am and collect him at 5. We cycle home cook and eat tea together then play till bath time when dh gets home and dies bath and stories.
Obviously that's nothing like being together all day but it's also nothing like being away for all his waking hours like some commuting parents are.

Qumquat, I think you are being a little naive.

I was an analyst. On £46k plus bonuses at 29. Then I gave it up to be a SAHM.

I am absolutely not worth now what I was then. I have not kept abreast of changes in the market, new regulations, new technology. It would have been nigh on impossible for me to have done so. Why on earth should I be given an equal footing to someone who is empowered with all this information? The fact that I have been caring for my children for the last few years, whilst wonderful for my family, means little to the industry I use to work in, which was not a caring one. It was in financial services in the City.

For many professions, where things do not move at such a fast pace, it would be unfair to discriminate against SAHMs. However, in certain industries it would be grossly inefficient and indeed unfair to just accept a SAHM back to work at the same position as she was in previously 9/10 years ago, because she will have little idea of the market in which she is operating. Ok, she will get up to speed, and if she proves her worth she will once again rise again. If she doesn't, she won't. But I don't think she should be given any special treatment because she is a SAHM. Don't discriminate against her, but please no positive discrimination in her favour either.
And I say this from the perspective of a SAHM.

qumquaat - it's not a case of society not 'valuing' my experience as a SAHM it is, as Enjoying puts it so well, the fact that jobs do move on and develop so that the skills I had 15 or so years ago and now quite 'outdated'.

Enjoying - I have been on Mumsnet for 15 years and I would (and did ) have said the same as you years ago, I loved being a SAHM - I was never bored or lonely - I had lots of fulfilling voluntary positions etc etc but circumstances can change. I had my child late in life and assumed that as DH and I were relatively well off I would never have to return to work. But I find myself in my late 50s having to do a NMW job and that's why I now regret my decision.

I get incredibly angry at the assumption that being a sahm means the loss of your identity.

I'm a sahm to three young children and I feel perfectly at ease with my identity and the financial sacrifices.

I understand the benefits to working and I also understand that some women need to work or want to work for their fulfilment and happiness.

But in my experience the worst judgements are made about sahm. It seems that having a career and financial success is the presumed course to fulfilment. But this isn't for everyone.

mug - I think there are two separate arguments here - some people (including some SAHMs) do feel that being a SAHM has led to the loss of their identity.

Personally I never felt that at all in my 15 years of being a SAHM.

However, there is a separate issue when applying for a job after 15 years of being a SAHM - it's not necessarily hard due to 'loss of identity' but anyone being out of the work force for 15 years will find it hard to return to employment and that is something to think about when making the decision to be a SAHM.

OP, to respond to your request for experiences of staying at home. My little ones are 3 and 4 weeks. I can honestly say that I would live on beans in order to be at home on the front line with them each day. I have absolutely no problem with a parent choosing to work but at the same time, it's a valid choice to decide that these days are so precious that you want to spend them with your children. There are definitely pros and cons though - my DH has a more positive experience of parenting because he only does a small amount of it in terms of time. Somehow children seem cuter if you haven't been working with them all day! And there are days when I feel that toddlers in general are bad for my physical and emotional health. They can be a bit barbaric.

I loved being a SAHM and can honestly say that I was never bored and really did not have enough time in the day. We were rarely in - even on bad weather days. I don't agree that it's boring or unfulfilling - if it is you are your own boss, change it!

However, circumstances (single parenthood) meant I had to go back to work when my kids were young. My first job on returning was at half the salary I'd earned 5 years before. For the first few years I was almost working for nothing after paying for childcare/bills/commuting. After that it balanced out and by the time the kids were 8/10, we had a nice lifestyle and I could work flexibly. Many of my friends who didn't go back until kids are older are on very low paid jobs way beneath their skill and aspiration level.

Guess what I'm saying is that it wasn't my choice to go back to work full time, but looking back, I'm glad I did. I loved working, and I so appreciated time off. it helped that I had a great childminder so no worries on that score.

*I worked from home from time to time and still needed paid childcare. I couldn't combine a "proper" employed job with having the kids in the house.

I would go back.

I took a year's maternity with my first and felt the same as you about going back. He was a clingy baby but he adjusted after a month at the childminder and enjoyed himself. I am sure he would have preferred it at home, but I actually enjoyed getting some of my old work identity back, even though I'd enjoyed mat leave.

Due to DH job, we then moved I have taken a two year sabbatical from my work (very very lucky to have this option). This break has made me realise that although looking after DS has been a joy, he is at an age now where other children are just as important as me and he is very settled into preschool. I am going to take mat leave with my second and then go back. I want financial security for when I am older and I want some adult company in my life. I am not surrounded by other SAHM here so feel quite isolated. I like the craic at work too!

I want financial security for when I am older

^^ Do not underestimate how important that is, circumstances can and do change. You may be able to live comfortably (whatever that might mean to you) on your partner's salary at the moment - but what happens if he loses his job or your relationship breaks up? Or he gets a serious illness/injury that means he can't work?

Don't be naive and think 'that would never happen to me'. There are enough threads on Mumsnet to make you realise that even the most secure relationships break up/tragedies happen.

For what it's worth, you seem to have landed yourself a really great deal. Family friendly employment, good childcare, plus backup...definitely worth giving it a shot.

I've been working a four day week for nine years, and it's a good balance for me, especially as I too can work from home a lot.

Along with the usual considerations of employability and career longevity, think also about your partner's earnings - if you're in work then if he loses his job your financial hit won't be as hard. Takes a bit of pressure off.

Good luck - you sound like a great Mum!

Just to add, I also think the two themes are identity and money. For the former, you have to go back to find out how that makes you feel. You may feel complete with or without work, it is very personal. For the money point, I would say you need to work out how long you plan to be out of the workplace, and then try and extrapolate what that would mean to your income, pension etc. It's not easy and most people do it on gut feel. I would agree that if you are not married and/or if your DH is not in a position which is fairly lucrative and highly employable I would be feeling nervous about the future. We live a very simple life now but my concerns are not about now, they are about helping children with university, any clubs they want to be in, pensions etc.

I was posting here for a year or so - very anxious, unable to leave DD for a moment etc. I know everyone irl thought I would crash and burn returning to work.

I went back for a taster week recently (dh took dd) and tge weirdest thing was it made me a much happier and more balanced mum. Much more playful and confident. She was clearly happy throughout the week etc.

I never ever would have foreseen it happen.

So as PP suggested- TRY it, and see how you feel. If you have someone really trusted to put dc with and work locally as is my situation it may be really surprising how (emotionally) do - able it is.

It also made me think of that twitter feed where quasi-supportive statements about working mums (how does she do it etc) get said by a dad ... fascinating.
My dh has actually said to a guy (who before kids said don't have kids if you don't want to spend time with them - to women only) some of the harsh lines he said back to him.

DH now wants to go part time to support me working as he saw the change in my mental health and how much that positivity helped dd (ie my fear was preventing us doing stuff).

Op the answer you get will vary with every person you ask. It often changes as well as the children get older.

I would agree with posters who say to make your choice based on your circumstances, BUT bearing in mind that those circumstances may change over time.

For us, I would be deeply uncomfortable to be financially dependant on someone else. I would also feel that having no financial independence would make me and my children vulnerable.

Dh works long, inflexible hours. I work part time.

Works for us. Wouldn't for everyone.

I went back to work when DS was 10 months and I was so ready to go back. I loved DS, obviously, but I was going crazy being at home all day every day.

My job is full time over three days which is perfect as although I don't really see DS on the days I work (I only see him for 30 minutes in the morning) it means I get four full days a week with him. I feel like I have the best of both worlds.

One of my shifts is always on either a Saturday or Sunday so DS is with DH but on the other two days a week he goes to a childminder who is fantastic.

My first week back at work was really hard as it was Mon-Fri 9-5 as I was doing lots of compulsory training before I could go on to normal shifts and I hardly saw DS. By the time I got home each evening I only saw him for about 45 minutes before I had to put him to bed. For that first week there were a lot of tears. I would cry on my way to work and find myself crying after I had put him to bed.

He took his first steps at the childminder's house but I'm not too concerned about that. I could have missed his first steps even if I had have been a SAHM, he could have been with DH, MIL or anyone, who knows. Unless you are glued to your child 100% of the time there's no guarantee you will see the first steps anyway. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter. DS had been walking for 5 months now, I saw his "second steps" and the million and one steps he has taken since then and I'm happy with that

I really live my job, I have been back at work for 5 months now, but I still have the odd day every few weeks where I really wish I didn't have to leave him. Nothing upsets me more than when he's poorly or had a bad night and I'm walking away from him to go to work.

However, as a result of me working we are able to give DS a much better life. We have money to take him to nice places, we can afford two holidays abroad every year, we have a good savings account and we put £75 each month into DS's bank account. If I didn't work we couldn't do any of that.

If me and DH really wanted to we'd probably be able to live off just his wage and me be a SAHM but we both think the benefits of me working outweigh the benefits of SAHP'hood in our particular circumstances.

My advice to you is take the job, give yourself a few months to settle into it whilst you work out how to juggle your job and your baby and then decide if it is working for you or not.

I've noticed lately that couples where the mother stayed at home and it was vital, and a mutual decision and best things for the kids etc have recently (10 years on) have started having issues with - only one income, kids getting more expensive, husband has reached his maximum career salary/promotion and the husband is starting to resent the SAHM as a burden, rather than a life enhancing and vital thing.

I've seen 2 marriages where the man is complaining bitterly about being the sole wage earner, how expensive kids are, how his pension is not big enough, how costly the mortgage is, how it's all on him because his wife doesn't work...

I'm not saying this is the norm but it has happened twice now in my circle in similar life circumstances and I wonder if there are other men who think this but don't say anything. It is something to think about, even when staying at home seems the best option. I went back to work. I don't think I missed out on DD growing up particularly...if I was a man I wouldn't even have considered this issue, and DD and I are close.

I'd suggest taking the job. I went back to work full time when my first baby was only 5months old (maternity leave was a bit different 11years ago!) then gave up to become a sahm when she was 2 as I just couldn't afford it (travel + childcare was more then I earnt) Then had another 2 babies and finally decided I'd had enough and after a 9year break decided to return part time in the evenings. As much as I have loved being at home it has been very hard trying to get back into the jobs market with such a long break although I did use my time wisely and studies for an open university degree which I completed this year. However I always felt as if I spent more quality time with my dc1 then dc's2&3. Although the quantity of time I have spent with them is more, I don't think it's always quality time (they are usually left to their own devices whilst I do the endless housework or having a cuppa and chat at a toddler group lol). With working full time I made sure every minute I spend with dc1 was focused on her. Although that could also be down to precious first-born and only child for 5 years whereas the other 2 have subsequently had a nice sibling to play with.
Being a sahm can get very lonely and boring at times. Plus when the terrible-twos hit you might be grateful you can run away to work! How have you found maternity leave?