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Original poster

Gender stereotyping our babies - bit of a rant, but polite

53 replies

toddlerbob · 07/05/2004 10:27

At a mother and toddler group today;

"it's a boy doll, is it okay if your ds plays with it?"

"stop attacking xxxx; you are a girl, be nice"

"I think that's such a boy thing to do"

"stop crying, be a big boy"

I just find it upsetting that our toddlers can't just be toddlers. Girls being told off for being too "male" and boys being shamed for wanting to play with "girl" toys.

Makes me mad.

OP posts:
Hulababy · 07/05/2004 10:31

Makes me mad too. Children are children, and should be allowed to just get on with their play and squabbles regardless of gender.

"stop crying, be a big boy" - this one makes me really saddened

kiwisbird · 07/05/2004 10:33

me too, my dd 18 mths is a definite gender challenger, pulls dolls around by their ears, kises them then uses their head as a football until she can find a real ball to boot around, she isnlt even walking yet! She comes from a tomboy mother, hee hee
I have no intention of stereotyping herit makes me ill

Crunchie · 07/05/2004 11:10

Hulababy, I am interested at your 'stop crying, be a big boy' I do this too. But I say 'stop crying, be a big girl'. It is not gender specific it is more 'grow up and stop being a wingeing brat!'

Otherwise yes I do know where you are coming from and I am probably really guilty of it, particularly with my first dd. I always dressed her in pink, gave her dolls etc, but when asked what her favourite toys were (at nursey/playgroup) she loved the classic 'girly' things like this and dressing up etc. With dd2 she loved cars and farms and trains, so we got all these too. They both seem to prefer to play with Barbie and baby dolls. We do have prince and ken dolls too, and they love dressing up, and one often plays the prince too.

Probably this means I have scarred them for life pushing them into pink, and frilly dresses (their choice not mine)

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Hulababy · 07/05/2004 11:12

No offense meant Crunchie. Just I think with toddlers it isn't what I would say, that's all. I do ask Dd to stop growing and to listen so we can talk about it, etc. Agree that not all these types are entirely gender specific.

GeorginaA · 07/05/2004 11:15

I was really upset the other day in McDonalds when ds asked for a Tessie Bear toy one of the workers told him that he didn't really want that as it was a girl, then started listing all the more "boy appropriate" Noddy characters. I was so cross and upset!

Easy · 07/05/2004 11:16

Hula, guess you mean 'stop crying' ?

Crunchie · 07/05/2004 11:17

None taken, as I said I am sure I am terrible at reinforcing gender sterotypes But then I have DH who is not into football or pubs either, so we don't actually have that real 'male' side anywhere.

We do have a tweenie football though! Does this count

Crunchie · 07/05/2004 11:19

GeorginaA now that would p**s me off

Codswallop · 07/05/2004 11:19

all boys under 3 love pink too, as i enjoy reminding ds1.,

Its a nice colour!

Hulababy · 07/05/2004 12:18

LOl, yes Easy - crying, not growing!!!

OldieMum · 07/05/2004 12:48

My impression is that some people are particularly anxious to impose stereotypically male traits on boys, and perhaps a little less so about supposedly masculine traits in girls. I have little girl (16 months) and have been amazed at the anxiety shown by families of little boys about things like hair-length ('He looks like a girl' and attachment to their mothers ('He's a mummy's boy', said as a criticism). It underlines what a restrictive straight-jacket masculinity can be for little boys as they develop.

OldieMum · 07/05/2004 12:49

I didn't mean to insert a wink there.

californiagirl · 07/05/2004 18:26

People are often on at me for dressing DD in boy's clothes -- one complained about a blue dress (showed her; DD's new dress is not only blue, it has sharks on it). The child is just 2 months old, and surely does not care. Her eyes are only going to be blue a little longer, why shouldn't she show them off while she's got'em? When they think she's a boy, they tell me how strong and clever she is, and when they think she's a girl they tell me how delicate and pretty she is. (She's all of the above.)

eddm · 07/05/2004 18:41

Really gets my goat. And then you get idiot 'experts' insisting gender stereotypes are innate! Unless you look at children raised by wolves (!), how on earth can you separate out social conditioning?
Mind you, haven't been able to avoid lots of blue clothes for ds ? sadly seems to be most of the very limited range for boys in most shops. Still have people getting his gender wrong though!
I'm probably being too fussy but do make an effort to tell him he's gentle and kind as well as strong and clever - don't want him growing up thinking supposedly feminine traits are somehow sissy. Mind you he's only 9 months so don't think it's sinking in yet!

Tinker · 07/05/2004 19:04

I got really pissed of in John Lewis when I sw nurse's outfits in the 'Girls' Toys' section and doctor's outfits in the Boys'. Expecte dbeter of JL. Don't know why they even need a G & B section anyway

I went to wedding with my daughter when she was 11 weeks old. Dressed her in white dungaree shorts and a little red and white striped top underneath. That's when I first encountered the 'Oh, but she dressed like a boy' line

Tommy · 07/05/2004 19:05

Agree eddm!
I did a cross stitch for my friend's DD (in those days when I had time to do such things!)It was a train with each letter of her name in a carriage. I took it to get it framed and arranged with the framer that it was to have a pink border. When I picked it up, it had a blue border - the bloke in the framing workshop had figured that I really wanted blue bacause it was a train and therefore was for a boy (a boy named Charlotte obviously)

jane313 · 07/05/2004 21:14

I keep meeting mothers who do this all the time. A mother I know keeps talking about how active and into everything her son is compared to the very passive girls who just sit and play with toys quietly. Then another one I know was going on about how her daughter knows so many more words than her friends who were all boys (and she knew them wthout any special instructions which all the boys mothers seemed to do). It made me so mad because it may be a statistically true generalisation but I don't want my son to be pigeonholed. (By the way he is obviouslly brilliant at both the physical and verbal skills

Ooh and whilst I love people telling me he has lovley eyes I hate people telling me hes going ot be a heartbreaker! Thats not something to aspire to!!

hovely · 08/05/2004 20:39

On the subject of stereotyping - who else objects to dressing their ds as a miniature soldier (ie camouflage patterns, excessively military-style combats etc)? Sure, when ds gets older he might choose this kind of thing,but right now he's a tiddly cuddly little boy!

dinosaur · 08/05/2004 20:42

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Tommy · 08/05/2004 21:44

Jane313 - our newsagent is always saying that my DS1 is going to be a bully - because he's tall for his age.... make sense out of that if you can!

eddm · 08/05/2004 21:47

Yes, the combats thing gets my hackles up as well. I want him in romper suits, he's only 9 months old! And I don't want him to be a soldier anyway (although obviously if he does end up that way I'll smile through gritted teeth. Nothing against soldiers generally, just don't want my little boy to be one).

dinosaur · 08/05/2004 21:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Levanna · 09/05/2004 00:33

DH and I were discussing this re toys the other evening. I had tidied DD's toys away and pointed out to DH that it's good DD has a rounded selection of toys. As when I was younger, to have a toy I was really interested in or found entertaining, I had to resort to nabbing my little brothers! I loved 'transformers', 'cowboys and indians' and 'matchbox' cars . When my MIL asked what DD might like for christmas, and I suggested a toy workbench and tools, she smiled, said what a good idea, and bought her a doll and buggy anyway!
I think in this day and age, we tend to strive not to gender stereotype, but I think society will be a long time changing! (Though there is hope - a friends son (3) was quite happily pregnant for the last 18 months or so, he proudly told anyone that would listen that he had a baby in his tummy - and his sheer innocence and sincerety meant that no-one dared argue ).

Original poster
toddlerbob · 09/05/2004 06:27

Argh, just returned from trip to MIL, counted 6 annoying "boy" comments. Whenever she said a "boys do this..." I said "while boys are more likely to do that in some research, bob has not read the research and will do what he likes". Sort of killed the conversation, but best to get in early I think.

Absolutely love her "he's such a big strong boy!" line. He's practically falling off the charts he's so skinny! If he was a girl they would be talking about how pretty and dainty he is. It's all such bull.

OP posts:
gingerbear · 09/05/2004 06:57

My daughter (almost 2) has long curly hair and one day was dressed in combat pants and red fleece, someone commented that HE needs a haircut!!
She loves helping fix things and we have to hide the toolbox. The other day she took daddy's ammeter (he is an electrician)and used the pointed tester to remove all the keys on my computer keyboard. I thought she was quiet..... About six months ago you couldn't part her from her dollies and pram, now its Thomas the tank and Bob the builder who have her affections. I think it is the learning and growing experience that is important, not which toys are for girls and boys.
I agree that there is too much 'pink clothes/ blue clothes' in the high street.