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Original poster

Gender stereotyping our babies - bit of a rant, but polite

53 replies

toddlerbob · 07/05/2004 10:27

At a mother and toddler group today;

"it's a boy doll, is it okay if your ds plays with it?"

"stop attacking xxxx; you are a girl, be nice"

"I think that's such a boy thing to do"

"stop crying, be a big boy"

I just find it upsetting that our toddlers can't just be toddlers. Girls being told off for being too "male" and boys being shamed for wanting to play with "girl" toys.

Makes me mad.

OP posts:
robinw · 09/05/2004 07:44

message withdrawn

misdee · 09/05/2004 07:57

dd2 also has lovely curly hair. once she was wearing her footy kit at tescos, and the lady on the checkout started on about what a lovely boy she was. erm, she had hair clips in, pink trainers and those curls. mind u, i do think she had a toy car in her hand at the time as well. dd's have a mix of boy/girl toys, the dolls do get the most attention from dd1, but dd2 prefers cars atm.

Original poster
toddlerbob · 09/05/2004 08:49

Oh and another thing. Why are all the female Fisher Price Little People unemployed? The male ones are train drivers, construction workers, veggie sellers, car mechanics and the women and girls are just holding animals or flowers. So I say to ds, there's the traindriver, there's the farmer oh, and there's the lady, there's the lady and oh, there's another lady.

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misdee · 09/05/2004 08:57

maybe they are florists?

Original poster
toddlerbob · 09/05/2004 09:05

And vets - good thinking, they are now employed!

OP posts:
Soulfly · 09/05/2004 09:05

my ds is 4 and often plays babies with his elder sister, i can't see anything wrong.( I am training him for when hes older).lol They don't understand that dolls are for girls etc etc.

Blackduck · 09/05/2004 09:13

Ds at the Dr on Friday who kept referring to him as a she - said it was because he has such a pretty face ...(note really MUST get his hair cut!!)
But do agree sil moaning about own son's behavour 'but he's a typical boy, never does as he is told'! She was leapt on by all present members of the family....

fisil · 09/05/2004 09:16

ave you read Jenni Murray's "That's My Boy!"? She has a lovely story about her son wanting princess shoes and the shoe keeper telling him no. He made a startlingly good case (for a four year old) and Jenni bought him the shoes. A few days later he realised how impractical women's shoes are! I'd like to parent like that! Unfortunately though I don't have the cash for such things - in fact ds will be in combats this summer, as that is what mil sent for him (last summer she mistakenly sent us a dress which game with light blue leggings, so she thought it must be boy clothes - he wore that too - we take what we're given!).

Another teacher friend (who has a ds same age as mine) and I comment a lot on gender stereotyping. Before they were born we were of course determined to avoid it at all costs. But we have observed our sons behaviours and have been quite shocked at how they seem to be conforming to stereotypes inspite of our best intentions. When with other boys they seem to be much rougher than when playing alongside girls. We often wonder to what extent this is just natural, and to what extent we and society just can't avoid imposing the stereotypes. Bit of both? I guess we should still do our best to avoid those awful quotes we hear.

fisil · 09/05/2004 09:17

Oh yes, and I bought ds' shopping trolley and fruit and veg basket from mothercare's girls' toys section - 2 other boy toddlers were getting theirs at the same time!

fisil · 09/05/2004 09:18

I'm not even going to bother to correct all the mistakes in my post. Had ds on my lap, and, well, boys are such wrigglers (lol)

Original poster
toddlerbob · 09/05/2004 09:18

Yes, I have read "that's my boy" and I too liked the shoe bit, though I can't help wondering how much she did it to make a point rather than because she thought it would benefit her son.

OP posts:
Flip · 09/05/2004 10:27

Ds1 has a pram, doll, cot, kitchen, workbench, go-kart, tree house and many more toys including a dolls house and a fort. He loves all of his toys and I ignored dh's concerns when I bought the kitchen. It's now in his treehouse and that's his takeaway.

ds1 also loves dressing up as a soldier and running around with a gun. Something I am happy to let him do to express himself.

My mother has pictures of me on my fifth birthday at boys brigade camp with my dad in a full cowboys outfit complete with gun in one hand and a can of beer in the other. I was always a tomboy and was still climbing trees at fifteen. But now at 27 I'm married with two kids. It didn't do me any harm being able to be one of the lads. I can still do it now when dh's mates come round.

LadyP · 09/05/2004 10:40

My sister's MIL is always saying that my DS is "too pretty to be a boy. You should have been born a girl". Hmm, yes he is pretty (no bias of course ) but in a boy-type of way. In another words, you cannot mistake that he is a boy!!!!

Fisil, DS got a shopping trolley for Xmas - he has since destroyed it by racing around the house with it.

Having said that, he does nurture his Teletubbies and speak to them in exactly the same way I nurture and speak to my new nephew (9 weeks old).

marsup · 09/05/2004 11:08

Doesn't it seem weird that this generation of little ones, who have seen their daddies bathe them, walk them, feed them (well, my ds!), will never see 'boys' toys' with daddy-dolls holding baby dolls? Someone needs to design a 'transformer' strong-man type doll with a baby in a papouse on his back.

motherinferior · 09/05/2004 11:32

The most bizarre comment I ever got was when my baby was screaming her head off on a train; an old bloke remarked, when I said actually she was a girl, that 'that noise isn't very feminine, is it'. FFS!

But I do get amazed at the mothers I come across who say 'oh, he's such a boy' about their sons, or giggle when they suggest said boy play with - gasp - a doll for the first time ever.

Also, do boys get asked about their new siblings 'do you help mummy with the baby?' It drove me bananananas when I'd just had my second daughter and people kept saying this to dd1. I kept snarling back 'No, she's not much more than a baby herself'; why the hell should she be catapulted into a motherly responsible role at two and a half?

californiagirl · 09/05/2004 16:29

I agree about the combat clothes for boys, but DD still got all boy's clothes on our last trip. Why is a bright red romper with a pale blue whale on it "boy"? Why can't girls have airplanes?

She smiles at strangers all the time, which they say is because girls are social, unless they think she's a boy, at which point they say you can see she's a boy because she's so outgoing.

Lisa78 · 09/05/2004 16:35

I only have boys, one of 15 and one of 6 months but I don't think I have been guilty of this
BUT if I had had a girl, I would have feared for the poor love, she'd have been at ballet, in pink and frills, long hair, dolls, St Clares and Mallory towers What a good job I didn't have a girl

Original poster
toddlerbob · 09/05/2004 20:22

I've seen a "dad with a baby doll." Heavily reduced though, so they obviously don't sell well.

My dh and ds came home from the toy library with the shopping trolley on Saturday. The lady there apparently said her ds had loved it. A breath of fresh air at last.

OP posts:
dinosaur · 09/05/2004 20:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

serenequeen · 09/05/2004 20:33

i was thinking of getting ds a baby doll for when no2 arrives, with some toy baby stuff...

alexsmum · 10/05/2004 10:44

we got ds1 a baby doll when ds2 was born and he loved it.he alrady had a doll pram that he pushed his teddy around in.He has a kitchen too.Got to say he loves his trains best, but so do all his friends male and female.
When he was smaller he had masses of blonde curls and people were always saying " those curls are wasted on a boy" that used to really annoy me!

SoupDragon · 10/05/2004 10:48

I've not seen anyone excusing their DSs "violent behaviour by saying its 'natural' because of their higher testosterone levels." I have seen them pointing out that boys get a surge in testosterone at around 4 which can send them hyper/change their personality but that is a biological fact - letting them play with dolls isn't going to stop that is it?!

I'm not sure what you're getting at Robinw?

aloha · 10/05/2004 10:56

When I was diagnosed with placenta praevia the midwife, noting that I knew I was having a boy, said, "Look, a boy causing trouble already". Dh and I found this pretty upsetting at the time - dh particularly was cross about it. How's THAT for gender stereotyping?

hatter · 10/05/2004 12:15

haven't had time to read whole thread but my bugbears are seperate girls and boys sections in toy shops (Ian McEwan, in The Child in Time sums it up beatifully, I will probably misquote him but the gist is "from domestic drudgery to brutal slaughter"and books and stories. favourite (if that's the right word) examples: Bear under the stairs: mum says "what's that smell, I'd better do some cleaning" while Dad sits at table reading newspaper; The Enormous Turnip in which there is a clear heirarchy starting with old man, then old woman, little boy, then little girl, and when they finally get the thing out of the ground not only is it the woman who cooks the thing but she does so in "her" kitchen! And the Tweenies, don't get me started on the stereotyping there - anyone seen the story on the website where the clearly stupid inadequate girls get lost in the desert to be rescued by Jake and Milo. and that's the BB bloody C.

hatter · 10/05/2004 12:15

wink was accidental

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