Is it really that 'different' when it's your own?

[Marzipanspice]

In advance, I apologise if this post comes across as deeply hurtful. I also apologise for sounding like an immature, self absorbed cow, which I know I do. I'm really just trying to get these feelings off my chest, as although they're illogical, I feel like I'm in a dangerous situation with them. Again, I apologise.

I've recently discovered I'm 22 weeks pregnant (despite my relentless efforts to push for a scan, despite every negative test and blood test, which I was finally granted last week).

I don't really want to go into the whole situation too much, but I really resent my pregnancy and now it seems as if every child I see in public looks like a snotty little ungrateful brat.

I dislike other people's children on the whole usually, unless they're very lovely natured or unarguably stunning.

I always accounted for myself being a very beautiful Spanish baby (Yes, I shall allow myself that little boast after years of childhood anorexia/bulimia).

But I can't help thinking, what if my baby doesn't have my deep olive tone and dark mousy brown hair? My OH is blonde haired and blue eyes, and despite him also being tan, I'm frightened baby will be pale or something.

Furthermore, I'm also frightened my child will take all features from his father, and thus ignore my 23 chromosomes. The reason this scars me so much is because my Spanish mother remarried an Irishman, and their son has pasty pale skin and orange hair. Whilst at the older children's new schools, others assumed she was the bloody nanny! But I will say he has inherited non physical traits from her, such as love of reading and music. I'm frightened because not only am I naturally apprehensive about my poor baby's look, but this is also backed up from seeing experience. My own Mother had a hard time bonding with her son, due to his non resemblance. She imagined a beautiful olive baby, and ended up with quite the opposite. (That was also the only baby she ended up having PND with too).

I know these thoughts and feelings are so mean and horrid, and I'm so sorry for anyone I offend :( I just feel like absolute poop about the whole thing.

Oh, and for the record, I think completely white babies can be absolutely stunning, the same as some dark babies can look not so nice. OH was pure blonde loose curls and he was beautiful. My own best friend is as ginger as they come and I think she's beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!

Before anyone says so, I am indeed painfully aware that I need to find a common ground and try to get to the bottom of my silly thoughts before my bubba arrives.

Thank you all x x x

Yes, it's different.
Everyone I know thinks their baby is the most beautiful in the world.

My first ever

Do you have any idea where these feelings come from op? It is a very shallow point of view as you acknowledge.

Oh. You seem so obsessed with looks. Oh.

I don't know, perhaps because I'm still shocked and not totally with it, I'm floating away from realism.

Bestguess23, yes, I'm aware I'm being terribly shallow. I don't need the reminder.

There's going to be somebery snippy comments on this thread, OP, but I think you are really worrying about this. I think perhaps you have other concerns that you are displacing. I suspect your real concerns are far less trivial, just as your anorexia wasn't really about trying to be thin.

I think you should talk to your GP. The fact that you have previously had mental health issues will hopefully mean you get the hell you need.

Wait until it sinks in properly, but if those thoughts persist, maybe it's best if you have some counselling.
I'd suspect (hope) it's mostly due to anxiety.

Some very

And

Help you need (sounds like hell is not in short supply, frankly!)

Erm so you don't want your baby to be white? You don't want it to look like baby's dad? Gosh it's a wonder my mum took me home, I was born a mini girl version of my dad.

If real then it sounds all very shallow and irrational. It's a baby, it's beautiful no matter what.

I suggest you talk to a midwife because it could very well be prenatal depression.

The issue isn't with whether it will be different if the child is your own. The issue is your values. The look of your child is the most important thing? Most parents are praying for a healthy baby not a child who isn't pale! Maybe take a long hard look at what has led you to this.

Thank you SanityClause, I find it hard to voice what I really feel deep inside, purely because some people are great examples of why I'm better off keeping it to myself, which I don't want to do, because I don't want it to eat me up inside.

It's not just a case of 'vanity'.

I think you are perhaps (overly) worrying about the physical traits of your unborn child because it sounds like you are perhaps worried you will love and bond with your child and your anxious mind is fixating on the physical side as a consequence. I don't think you should be getting the harsh responses OP.

Perhaps you could visit your GP or discuss with your midwife.

My children are half Indian, and have olive skin and brown hair and eyes, compared with blonde haired, blue eyed, pale skinned me.

They are so beautiful my heart bursts with pride. The fact they don't resemble me has never given me a moment's heartache.

I think you are projecting and the real issue has nothing to do with your unborn child's looks.

yeah it is that different when its your own - nature has a vested interest in mums keeping their babies alive so normally we think our babies are perfect beauties.
this sounds like a big shock - 22 weeks already! - and with your mums pnd, no wonder you are anxioud.
speak to your midwife for support with mental health
sad to say, some on mumsnet is probably not going to be supportive and an online kicking is not going to help. real life counselling is available via your gp or midwife

Yes, it's different when they are your own.

Objectively, I know my baby is not beautiful. She is ginger, pale, a bit spotty (baby acne), has huge double chins and a somewhat odd shaped head.

But of course, I love her anyway. She has beautiful eyes, the most charming smile which lights up her whole face, and a very sweet, happy personality.

Would I have liked an objectively pretty baby? Sure. But looks really aren't the be all and end all.

(And anyway, I think she'll be pretty when she gets a bit older and loses the chins )

Thank you for the more considerate comments, it means a lot. I want to speak to my midwife, however she seems too bubbly and overly positive about everything in life, if you know what I mean.

When you have dominant traits (such as dark skin and hair), I think it's stranger when children don't take these on.
If my OH was dark and I was pale, and my child ended up dark, I'd be happy and wouldn't mind one bit.

It will be fine. Give yourself some time

Do you judge everyone based on their appearance and your view on their beauty, or are you just reserving such judgment for your own offspring?

I get that you're in shock, but you need to reevaluate your perception of people's worth, if this is what you're worrying about. Most people just worry that their babies will be healthy.

That said, I will say that it's different when they're your own. I don't have much interest in other people's children and have to hide that fact from friends, and pretend to be interested, but my own children are the most interesting and wonderful people, in my opinion. FYI, both my children are very pale, like me. Both will probably develop freckles like me. I wish it weren't the case as it's hard going out in the sun when you burn so easily, but they're both very beautiful. Do other people see them as I do? Well they certainly say they're beautiful, but doesn't everyone say that? I don't actually care.

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume this really is more than shallow vanity.

For the longest time, even after my (beautiful, looked nothing like me) DD was born, she was in some respects a stranger to me. I will say that probably lasted a couple of years after her birth. Of course I did everything for her, loved her with every ounce of my body, was (and of course remain) fiercely protective of her etc etc. All the usual things.

But when I was pg with her I felt she was a parasite. When she was bf, I felt she was a leech. And even though she is literally - actually - a part of me, she is very much something apart. Sometimes I feel that it's a good thing I love her so painfully and wholly and completely, because I could just as easily have gone the other way.

I don't think there is any single common experience of motherhood. We are all different and our children are all different. Plus, we and they are constantly changing. You've not had long to get your head around being pregnant. Be forgiving of yourself and your baby, it's a skill you will need to use many, many times after it is born. As long as you are not harming or hurting your baby, there is no right or wrong, or timescale to these things.

Good luck OP.

My children do not have my colouring. I always hoped one might, but they don't. I probably didn't think as much about it as you have, so maybe not as important to me. But, honestly, it is irrelevant to how I feel about them. They look like me in other ways, and tbh it is who they are that has become more and more important as they have grown.

I love seen little bits of my oh in our dc, and i also love seeing a little bit of me. I hope that in time you do op, it does seem you could benefit from some counselling.

You obviously have some major issues of your own to address, so I'll just address your main question.

Yes it is different. I was convinced my PFB was gorgeous. Looking back at pics now, he looked like a goblin (although he did become much more bonny by six months or so).

Genetics are something you have no control over and stressing about it won't change things. DH has dark hair, eyes and skin, but both our kids are fair and, despite us both having brown eyes, DD has gorgeous teal green/blue eyes. I was looking forward to having dark babies (after all, I find DH attractive and I was hoping they'd be similarly gorgeous) but they're each stunning AS THEMSELVES. It's tough to do, but please don't transfer your hang-ups to your child.

You really won't care. Only one of my 4 DCs looks like he could be my child - and I just don't care. The point is they ARE my children, and that's what matters. And that's one of the many joys of parenting - your shallowness and self-centredness goes out of the window. It certainly did for me.