Is it really that 'different' when it's your own?

[Marzipanspice]

In advance, I apologise if this post comes across as deeply hurtful. I also apologise for sounding like an immature, self absorbed cow, which I know I do. I'm really just trying to get these feelings off my chest, as although they're illogical, I feel like I'm in a dangerous situation with them. Again, I apologise.

I've recently discovered I'm 22 weeks pregnant (despite my relentless efforts to push for a scan, despite every negative test and blood test, which I was finally granted last week).

I don't really want to go into the whole situation too much, but I really resent my pregnancy and now it seems as if every child I see in public looks like a snotty little ungrateful brat.

I dislike other people's children on the whole usually, unless they're very lovely natured or unarguably stunning.

I always accounted for myself being a very beautiful Spanish baby (Yes, I shall allow myself that little boast after years of childhood anorexia/bulimia).

But I can't help thinking, what if my baby doesn't have my deep olive tone and dark mousy brown hair? My OH is blonde haired and blue eyes, and despite him also being tan, I'm frightened baby will be pale or something.

Furthermore, I'm also frightened my child will take all features from his father, and thus ignore my 23 chromosomes. The reason this scars me so much is because my Spanish mother remarried an Irishman, and their son has pasty pale skin and orange hair. Whilst at the older children's new schools, others assumed she was the bloody nanny! But I will say he has inherited non physical traits from her, such as love of reading and music. I'm frightened because not only am I naturally apprehensive about my poor baby's look, but this is also backed up from seeing experience. My own Mother had a hard time bonding with her son, due to his non resemblance. She imagined a beautiful olive baby, and ended up with quite the opposite. (That was also the only baby she ended up having PND with too).

I know these thoughts and feelings are so mean and horrid, and I'm so sorry for anyone I offend :( I just feel like absolute poop about the whole thing.

Oh, and for the record, I think completely white babies can be absolutely stunning, the same as some dark babies can look not so nice. OH was pure blonde loose curls and he was beautiful. My own best friend is as ginger as they come and I think she's beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!

Before anyone says so, I am indeed painfully aware that I need to find a common ground and try to get to the bottom of my silly thoughts before my bubba arrives.

Thank you all x x x

Nature is very clever. The process of giving birth will blindside you with all sorts of hormones. As will breast feeding. Those hormones will go quite a along way to convincing you your baby is the most beautiful creature on the planet. They have to, as there is no denying that the squashed purple ball of baby that appears in the delivery room really isn't even slightly beautiful

OP clearly has body dysmorphia (hope that is okay to say OP?) - she explicitly says she had anorexia and bulimia. She has also found out she is pregnant very late on, with little time to get used to the idea.

Is it any wonder that she is in shock and picking on what seem like little things to worry about?

OP, you sound to me as if you are suffering from antenatal depression/anxiety but I am not remotely medical and would advise seeing your doctor.

I wonder if you are worried about not relating/loving your own baby, but while not everyone has a strong bond straight away, most people come to fall in love with their baby eventually.

My little girl is the most beautiful in the world... to me.

Your little son or daughter will be the same for you.

Best of luck.

Poor you op - it sounds like you have had a big shock.

We worried a bit about physical appearance before dd1 was born as dh had had facial surgery for something which thry could have inherited. It hasn't manifested. Dd2 however was a shocker as she is blonde and blue eyed and we are both dark - although I have blue eyes. She is our rubia and dd1 LA morena. And they are beauties in our opinions. That is part of it- yoy love your baby and think they are beautiful.

How does your partner feel about this baby? Who have you got to talk to about it - professional or friend?

I'm 21 weeks pregnant so if I can be any help pls pm

Your pregnancy has come as a shock as you're so far along you need time to get used to the idea.

Possibly you are worried about bonding with your baby so you are focusing on the looks as a way of detaching yourself.

My daughter doesn't look like me and like you I don't really like other children, but I adore my daughter and have done since she was first handed to me screeching her little lungs out.

Please speak to your midwife or GP if you don't feel any better soon.

You are not your mother and her experience won't automatically become yours. Your baby might look just like you in tone or they might not. You might find you don't care what they look like once they arrive, because it is different with your own. Promise. But I suspect the thoughts about how baby will look is a red herring given your comments about your mums PND; is that the real worry?

I discoverered I was pregnant unexpectedly with DC3 just before Christmas last year. I wasn't quite as far along as you, but pretty close, and my thoughts were all over the shop while I adjusted to this shocking change of plan! Give yourself time to get your head around it and talk about how you feel with your OH, midwife, GP.

My DD is the image of her dad. I'll just say outright this is not remotely an issue for me. (She and he both are fabulous IMHO.)

But one night a few months ago I was putting her to bed and when she fell asleep I looked down at her and, whatever way she was sleeping, I suddenly saw... myself. It was surreal and incredibly moving.

It doesn't matter whom your baby looks like- he or she will be a part of you and, even if it's not apparent at the outset, one day that fact will hit you like a tonne of bricks in an expression or a way of speaking or a gesture.

Apart from all of that my experience is of not being much of a "baby person" before having DD, and of falling utterly and completely in love with her once she arrived. She looks like DP and I adore him. I can see his sparkling eyes in her every time she does something mischievous. It's beautiful.

Sorry for gushy post but I really DO think it's different when they're your own.

My son is the image of his dad and is the most beautiful child I've ever seen. It's never occurred to me that he should look like me.

wow............. you are having an unplanned pregnancy and you're worried that your baby will have its father's colouring?

Is this transference? I obsessed about the sex of the baby when I was with my x and I think it was because he was the wrong father so to speak, rather than the sex of the baby being 'wrong'.

I want to tell you to stop being so stupid but this can't just be stupidity

OP, I for one cannot criticise you. I became obsessed when I was pregnant with wanting a dark dd. Her father is dark-skinned with blue-black hair, I am extremely pale and blonde. So superficial but I was really worried when I was in labour about what I would do if it was a boy (and I normally love boys). I managed to get what I wanted, even if after a year her black hair turned brown.

ps, my children look like their (dark) father and I still love them and think they're gorgeous.

I wanted ds to look like his dad who i think is gorgeous - dark hair (well, grey now!) and brown/ hazel eyes. But he's white blond and blue eyed, exactly like I was but somehow with a skin that goes golden brown in the sun. He has a character like dh's, extrovert, always on the go, wears his heart on his sleeve. When he was born he was red, blotchy and looked like Shaun Ryder from the Happy Mondays, but I loved him immediately - though the love grows and grows and just keeps on growing the more you grow together, the more their little personality develops. He genuinely is stunning and I tell him so, but I tell him he's stunning inside and out because it's true. I tell him he has a good heart, he's kind and funny.

It is different when it's your own because you know them better than anyone else in the world. I don't care much for other people's children.

Oh, poor OP. I think you're (sort of understandably) fixating, in a way, on something that is more related to your other issues than it is the actual outcome of what your baby looks like? An unplanned pregnancy can be a tremendous shock, and you sound a bit like you've gone into denial. Is some ante-natal counselling an option for you?

On a practical basis, I actually do have a smidgen of understanding: I'm pregnant with a much-wanted baby, and its pale white genetic history on both sides is likely to leave the wee thing transparent-looking - however, I've a really really strong bond with my olive-skinned brown-eyed nephew, and there is a little part of me that can't quite get my head around the knowledge that my baby will look nothing like him.

I haven't read most of the replies but I can guess that they're not complimentary.

I understand where you're coming from. Although I am (as far as I'm aware) 100% Scottish, my mums family mostly look Mediterranean. Olive skin, very dark skin and dark hair. DS1 was born exactly as I'd expect, and i adore that about him, he's gorgeous. DS2 was blonde hair, very light skinned and blue eyed. He's every bit as gorgeous and I love him just as much as DS1. Honestly, couldn't be more proud of either of them, and they're completely different in personality too.

You'll love and adore your child, no matter what. Don't worry. They'll be the most gorgeous thing ever to walk the earth, and the most perfect.

We're just back from holiday and DS2 got more attention whilst abroad than DS1, because he was more "unusual" looking in the Med. While we're here, DS1 gets more attention because of his Mediterranean looks. Swings and roundabouts, or six and half a dozen.

I thought my first would look like me, I have Spanish heritage and I'm olivey with dark hair and eyes, my DP has pale skin, but, dark hair and eyes...so it seemed obvious that my baby would look like me.

DS was luminous white, with blond hair and blue eyes and looked like DP right down to his facial expressions.

So he wasn't an extension of me which is I think what I imagined while I was pregnant, at some point he just became himself and it was fine. DD looks a bit more like me, but mostly like DP and DS and she's very white too.

They're teenagers now and I see me in them now, in DS's procrastination, in DD's need to have the last word in an argument (hey not all my traits are positive, lol) They both have my sense of humour and my love of wordplay...and they have things that are entirely their own as well. DD is artistic and musical, DS is amazing at sciences...neither of us parents have those.

They're way way better than other people's children, not because they're mine, just because they're amazing . Lol.

That's how it works, you're not conscious of your bias, they just are nicer and more amazing than any other child...not because they're like you, but because they're better than you.

*very dark eyes

Another

Very odd to be worrying so much about your baby's looks and almost certainly related to your previous history of anorexia and bulimia. I would seek help.

It will be completely different with your own hold OP, don't worry. Btw this might not be immediate because the first few months with a newborn are a very anxious time (for everyone). For some people, like me, the bonding can take a little time.

My DS is a mini-Daddy, literally no physical resemblance to me. And as months have passed I believe this has actually increased my devotion to him. Looking at my DP and our son together and seeing the two people I love most in the world, just like each other, is wonderful. I feel like I created another wonderful version of my partner and I am very proud of this!

You might have a wonderful surprise OP...

Hello

I was anxious about everything you could possibly be anxious about. I had picked out the worst features of me and dad and sort of figured that's what the poor baby would look like and that he would be getting picked on.

I had no interest in other peoples kids and never even held a baby.

The baby is a beauty he is just the most amazing thing in the world. I have brand new appreciation for babies and feel honestly like I a was a bit of a twat before having him.

The anxieties I had were pretty bad and broad ranging, I attribute these to hormones mainly as as soon as I had him I calmed right down. To find out at 22 weeks must be scary hope your ok

You need to get some counselling because it sounds like your ED is rearing it's head again.

Although your worries are real, it isn't normal to be so fixated on how your baby will look.

My dd exclusively looks like her dad and paternal family. I think she's perfect and gorgeous of course. But then I also think this about her dad! I am surprised that it would be a concern that your child looks like his or her father and frankly it is quite likely. I think you shod get some counselling before the arrival.

It's very natural to have many anxieties when your pregnant especially if the start of your pregnancy hasn't been easy which sounds like yours wasn't. I've got 3 boys all completely different colourings ds1 brown hair brown eyes olive skin ds2 blonde hair blue eyes but also gets a cracking tan when on holiday ds3 has light brown hair and blue eyes!! When ds1 was born he was beautiful he had perfect features and gorgeous skin when ds2 was born I was a bit horrified his face was all scrunched up and his skin was blotchy he's now the most beautiful out of the 3 of them. Regardless of what they look like you will still find them beautiful and love them unconditionally. You could go for a 4d scan in a couple of months you'll get a good look at its little face and it's features unfortunately colouring is the only thing you can't find out until baby arrives. I think if you have the 4d scan it will help you bond with your baby before its born.

Another thing to add all my boys look exactly like their Dad their build mannerisms everything I only know they're mine because I have birth to them

Hi Op, you've had to wait twice as long as most people to have your pregnancy confirmed and it sounds like you've had a real battle and probably been treated disrespectfully by medics by the sounds of it. Reading between the lines it also sounds like you're ambivalent about having a baby even without this bumpy start. This makes me think that your anxiety probably isn't really about what the baby may look like but rather coming to terms with the fact you're having a baby and what that means for your life compared to what you were expecting both for how your life would be right now/in the future and how you expected the first half of your pregnancy would be.

Tbh I would seek out a good person centred psychotherapist and start seeing them. Yes that probably means paying for it unless you have a good local charity with a sort waiting list but to get these feelings fleshed out and addressed before baby arrives will be very much worth the investment. From personal experience the baby will be here before you get any counselling on the NHS and on the NHS you get what they have which may not be what you need.

Good luck