Is it really that 'different' when it's your own?

[Marzipanspice]

In advance, I apologise if this post comes across as deeply hurtful. I also apologise for sounding like an immature, self absorbed cow, which I know I do. I'm really just trying to get these feelings off my chest, as although they're illogical, I feel like I'm in a dangerous situation with them. Again, I apologise.

I've recently discovered I'm 22 weeks pregnant (despite my relentless efforts to push for a scan, despite every negative test and blood test, which I was finally granted last week).

I don't really want to go into the whole situation too much, but I really resent my pregnancy and now it seems as if every child I see in public looks like a snotty little ungrateful brat.

I dislike other people's children on the whole usually, unless they're very lovely natured or unarguably stunning.

I always accounted for myself being a very beautiful Spanish baby (Yes, I shall allow myself that little boast after years of childhood anorexia/bulimia).

But I can't help thinking, what if my baby doesn't have my deep olive tone and dark mousy brown hair? My OH is blonde haired and blue eyes, and despite him also being tan, I'm frightened baby will be pale or something.

Furthermore, I'm also frightened my child will take all features from his father, and thus ignore my 23 chromosomes. The reason this scars me so much is because my Spanish mother remarried an Irishman, and their son has pasty pale skin and orange hair. Whilst at the older children's new schools, others assumed she was the bloody nanny! But I will say he has inherited non physical traits from her, such as love of reading and music. I'm frightened because not only am I naturally apprehensive about my poor baby's look, but this is also backed up from seeing experience. My own Mother had a hard time bonding with her son, due to his non resemblance. She imagined a beautiful olive baby, and ended up with quite the opposite. (That was also the only baby she ended up having PND with too).

I know these thoughts and feelings are so mean and horrid, and I'm so sorry for anyone I offend :( I just feel like absolute poop about the whole thing.

Oh, and for the record, I think completely white babies can be absolutely stunning, the same as some dark babies can look not so nice. OH was pure blonde loose curls and he was beautiful. My own best friend is as ginger as they come and I think she's beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!

Before anyone says so, I am indeed painfully aware that I need to find a common ground and try to get to the bottom of my silly thoughts before my bubba arrives.

Thank you all x x x

I thought my dd looked like alien when she was born. Cone head, purple and big black eyes! Still lobed her to bits and she's a beautiful toddler now. I don't tend to go gooey over any baby though, I can think ah lovely new baby but I don't feel broody or anything.
it is different when you hold your own baby.

It sounds like you're frightened you might not bond with your baby, and a bit freaked out by the pregnancy ( which I'm guessing wasn't planned). It's a huge mental adjustment to make, to imagine a life with a baby. Maybe you're also a bit freaked out by the body changes that are happening to you, and the fact they're outside your control.

My advice would be that it's all completely different after you've given birth. You literally cannot imagine what it will be like to have, and to bond with, that baby, so try not to dwell on your fears. When it happens, yes it is different. Though I suspect the reason you're finding other people's children so irritating is that children remind you of your worries about all the other stuff.

If you've only just had the pregnancy confirmed, your fears maybe at their worst at the moment because it's all new. Perhaps spend some time thinking through what this pregnancy means to you and where your fears and resentment really lie, and see if you can talk it through with a good friend, your OH or a professional counsellor.

Thank you for all the helpful advice x

You will (almost certainly) have a rush of love for your baby. The concerns you have now won't matter. Along with others I'd suggest seeking some support through counselling - any pregnancy cam bring up challenging and unresolved feelings. I'd also imagine that your history of eating disorders might make you more vulnerable to ambivalent feelings about being pregnant. You'll be ok. Snot really does seem ok when it's your kid's.

Actually, not everyone gets that rush of love and it sets people up for feeling like failures if it doesn't arrive.

Some people get it much more gradually and that's perfectly ok too.

Before I had Ds I never liked children and wasn't interested in them. My experience with Ds was not a huge rush of love at all - more anxiety and guilt, but a huge, deep connection. You sound like you have issues that need help, and you may struggle with that connection in ways that other people don't, but theres no doubt there will be a connection. It will become love in a short time even if you don't feel "love" immediately. Congrats on your pregnancy and all the best.

Sorry Tabula, you're right - I said this in an attempt to reassure the OP but I see that it's not quite right to set up that expectation.

I must admit that I love the fact that DS1 has red hair like me and that DS2 looks like a boy version of me - it makes me feel like we have a kinship. However, DS1 is in every other respect the image of his dad and I still think he is lovely :)

As they grow older you also find aspects of your own personality in them, so the kinship is evident there as well.

Don't worry op, I think that you're admitting to feelings and doubts that many people have but are scared to articulate. It will be ok, honestly

No immediate rush of love here either btw - in fact I only think I felt like that when DS1 was around 2yo. It happens eventually, as long as you don't freak out about why it hasn't yet