Why do I feel like they're somehow happy to see me and DH struggle

[TwilightMad]

This is how I feel about my own parents! Me and Dh have had a really tough couple of years, we have three children and the youngest who's 4 is on the verge of being diagnosed with additional needs. These last two years we have been through hell and are at the point were we feel that we are not coping and could crack any second.

As parents you don't expect to get much time to yourselves, especially when they're young but we never get ANY time together by ourselves, never. We've had two trips to the cinema in the last four years and although I'm not wanting a big night out with Dh, we are however feeling as though we need some to take some time for us before one of us snaps or we end up separating just so that we could both have a break.

But my parents won't help! Don't get me wrong they visit twice a week (for a whole hour!) and they clearly love and adore our chidlren and always spoil them but I dont want them to be spoiled all I want is for my parents to want to spend time with their grandkids and god forbid maybe once a month to maybe sit with them for a bit so that me and Dh can have a little alone time.

I'm sorry to come across as moany, I don't intend for it to seem like that, I'm just desperate! I love my kids dearly but I put myself last at every opportunity and have done for years putting everything above my own thoughts, feeling and needs and I'm now wiped out, I love my husband but I fear he's going to leave me or I'm going to leave him, and neither of us wants that. So are we being totally unreasonable to expect a bit of help from our own parents? I just get the feeling that they don't want to see us happy!

We have achild with ASD and are planning to wait until she is a teenager until we go out without her.

I can't be bothered to explain for Mrsplum, so this about sums it up

I'd be blunt with them. Unless they are malign and genuinely take pleasure in seeing you suffer, just spell it out. Explain that you are at the end of your tether. You've been out twice in four years, they sit for DB and yet he has every weekend to lie in and go out. Why are they showing preference for him? Please would they take DS for a night, perhaps overnight, once or twice over the next few weeks so you can sort out your marriage which is at breaking point.

Sometimes being that blunt has an effect. Once when I was falling over with exhaustion and illness and my two best mates (no DC) were round gassing away and drinking coffee, I just threw DC at them and said: you're the godmothers. Take them to the park. If I don't get two hours sleep I'll puke. They did it. Never asked again and they never offered or showed any signs of understanding but at least I got some sleep.

My DPs never helped. They've sat about five times in 13 years. They've taken DSis's kids out for the day every Christmas eve for years and DBros away on holiday but we were the last to have DC so they'd got bored and tired and never offered.

Now they are old and frail and need help. Guess who lives nearby while DB and DSis are at opposite ends of the country? I don't feel much impetus to help them. My auntie is always making a dig that I should be there 24/7, but she has been a fantastic hands on granny to her DGC whereas my parents come to be fed and to talk about themselves, and show no interest in DC, never asking them questions or spending time with them. I've lost patience and respect for them.

Thanks Seaside, and everyone else who has offered advice, I appreciate it. I've bit the bullet today and have registered with Sitters.co.uk as me and Dh have agreed that we need to start having at least one night out a month or we'll go crazy. I'm not quite sure how he site works though and if I can just pick my babysitter if I like the sound of them or do I get allocated anyone who's available? And I'm unsure whether I need to mention when booing about my Ds and how he can be?

Twilight If there's an option to ring them and speak to them, I would. At the very least, I would email to explain the situation. I would think if it's a regular booking, you could get the same person each time. If you have a local carer's group, you may find some referrals for local sitters that have experience dealing with children with SNs.

Yeah it might be worth having a look, I kind of begrudge paying someone £30/£40 just so me and and Dh can go to the cinema when I have so called family round the corner but you're right, I can't make them want to help, so this is my only alternative.

And if it keeps you sane, it's worth the money. That's kind of my take on it, in my situation too.

Absolutely. I have railed against the gods because everyone else seems to have involved grandparents and my parents are dead and the pil have been worse than crap (phoning the delivery room to ask when we were coming home because mil was "bored" looking after ds ). You just have to think that life is sometimes unfair and you'll have to suck up that sitter cost. It'll be worth it, though. You hand a sitter £x and you don't have to provide them with a meal, listen to them talking about this, that and the other and afterwards you don't have to spend three months saying thank you.

True - family helping out can sometimes come with some problems. For example, if you don't like how they handle a situation with your dcs, you are in a bind as they are doing you a favour. With a sitter, you can clearly state your concerns and how you would prefer it to be handled without worrying about other family members weighing in or any other uncomfortable consequences.

Why can't you and your DH spend time together whilst the dc are at nursery/school? Go out for lunch, go to the cinema?