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Parenting

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Original poster

Why do I feel like they're somehow happy to see me and DH struggle

85 replies

TwilightMad · 09/07/2015 18:16

This is how I feel about my own parents! Me and Dh have had a really tough couple of years, we have three children and the youngest who's 4 is on the verge of being diagnosed with additional needs. These last two years we have been through hell and are at the point were we feel that we are not coping and could crack any second.

As parents you don't expect to get much time to yourselves, especially when they're young but we never get ANY time together by ourselves, never. We've had two trips to the cinema in the last four years and although I'm not wanting a big night out with Dh, we are however feeling as though we need some to take some time for us before one of us snaps or we end up separating just so that we could both have a break.

But my parents won't help! Don't get me wrong they visit twice a week (for a whole hour!) and they clearly love and adore our chidlren and always spoil them but I dont want them to be spoiled all I want is for my parents to want to spend time with their grandkids and god forbid maybe once a month to maybe sit with them for a bit so that me and Dh can have a little alone time.

I'm sorry to come across as moany, I don't intend for it to seem like that, I'm just desperate! I love my kids dearly but I put myself last at every opportunity and have done for years putting everything above my own thoughts, feeling and needs and I'm now wiped out, I love my husband but I fear he's going to leave me or I'm going to leave him, and neither of us wants that. So are we being totally unreasonable to expect a bit of help from our own parents? I just get the feeling that they don't want to see us happy!

OP posts:

puffinrock · 09/07/2015 19:13

I don't get this hard to deal with. Firstly, it's their own family. Secondly, they have to do it a few hours once not 24/7. This especially grates on me when they themselves had loads of help. It is nothing but pure selfishness.

Original poster

TwilightMad · 09/07/2015 19:14

And yeah, I suppose I could ask nursery staffs see if they're willing to do any paid babysitting. He currently has one to one and his support worker is lovely and she's gutted he's leaving next week (starts school in September) so it might be worth asking her.

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Original poster

TwilightMad · 09/07/2015 19:16

Although I love my parents, I do have to agree that they can be selfish. I know that it's "their time" now that me and my brother have grown up and that's perfectly understandable but when they know that me and Dh are on our knees at the moment, you'd think they'd want to help us

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puffinrock · 09/07/2015 19:17

It is hard but unfortunately you can't make people care. We just go round and do the fake family thing where they hold them and act like they care. Sorry I am off now got a bit overinvested!

Original poster

TwilightMad · 09/07/2015 19:21

Oh I forgot to say, I'm also at a point were I think I'm going to have to go see a doctor as I'm feeling incredibley low, and I have been for a long time what with all this going on with our son. I have not been taking care of myself properly and now feel physically ill some days and exhausted, I feel like i can cope with my Ds and I'm not going to snap at him or anything to that degree but I'm emotionally drained. I'm trying to keep it together for my kids and my family but I feel as though if I cry just once, I won't stop.

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puffinrock · 09/07/2015 19:26

You need to take it in turns with your dh. It is the only way. Get him to take them out and try and chill out.

You are in the earlier stages of me in ASC but you will get stronger with it. In the end it just becomes your life and you never knew anything different. I work all day, and dh works all night which gives us both a break. You need time away from the children.

I used to think about going to the Dr but personally I feel they wouldn't help the cause which would be that you need a break so me and dh arrange between us so we can go out with friends or chill.

Original poster

TwilightMad · 09/07/2015 19:33

Yeah I understand what you're saying. I'm currently a sahm and my husband works a mixture of early and late shifts so when he's on lates I get zero time to myself as we still have Ds home with us if a morning and when he's on his early shift I just want to spend time with him in our home of an evening during the week everything is usually down to me. I would get alone time if I go out to see friends of a weekend but they all work full time during the week so want to spend their weekends with their families. But to be honest I'm not craving alone time as such, i'm needing some, albeit a small amount of alone time with my dh, but it's not going to happen.

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Trambuctious · 09/07/2015 19:41

Can you sit down with your parents, and then separately your brother, and have a serious talk about how hard you are finding things, how much it would help just to have one evening out a month, could they possibly help out. After all, they could take turns, so each only do it once very 2 or 3 months. Then get the dates fixed in their diaries. If they deliberately say no when you have explained how desperate you are, then you will be justified in being v pissed off. I would then arrange some time out with a friend in the evening, and take turns with your DH to do that. Or if your friends are all busy just go out on your own and relax in the cinema or go swimming or to an evening class - just some time not being responsible for the kids and stuck at home. I've been in your position (single parent no family nearby) and people wouldn't take the initiative to offer, and I wouldn't like to ask. You end up half dead.

EthelDurant123 · 09/07/2015 19:49

My parents are a bit like yours. My brother had a serious illness last year spending large amounts of time in hospital and his partner obvs wanted to be with him. They needed M&D to babysit/pick up the kids etc. They got the feeling that every time they asked they got the feeling they were imposing. My brother has now recovered but he still doesnt like to ask. They rarely go out alone together (I live 100 miles away so can't help out easily).

Original poster

TwilightMad · 09/07/2015 19:51

Aw that's really sad that is.

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lexyloub · 09/07/2015 19:56

Sorry if you've already answered this but where Is your husband s family in all this?

Original poster

TwilightMad · 09/07/2015 19:57

I've just messaged my mum and asked her can she have the kids for the day for one day. It's my dh's 40th birthday in December, so it's months away, and i'd love to take him to the lakes for the day. Her response was "oh I'll have to check with your dad as he might be working that weekend" I rest my case.

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Original poster

TwilightMad · 09/07/2015 19:59

My husband's parents are in their 70's and both of them aren't in great health at the moment (unlike my parents who are in their 50's and in perfect health!). He has a brother but he lives in London and his sister has five children of her own so as you can imagine she has her hands full.

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lotrben17 · 09/07/2015 20:05

See my immediate response to that text would be, please do it would mean a lot to us if we could have a day away for his birthday. Can you let me know by x?. I wouldn't let them get away with being non specifically dismissive. I may be a bit low after years of no help though, my p and IL are the same and it's draining on a relationship to never ever have any kid free adult times.

alicemalice · 09/07/2015 20:18

I wouldn't keep chasing them - they will feel on the back foot and it'll make things worse.

At the end of they day, you can't make them want to do it.

I do think you need to take some action yourselves though - to get a break from family life. And that means finding external help.

Lot of people don't have any family help so although it's galling, it's not particularly unusual.

CPtart · 09/07/2015 20:19

Mine never offer either and DC are now 12 and 10 so are no problem at all. Have never had a sleepover etc despite always being great sleepers even when little, and that only ever take them for a few hours in half term ( so we're at work) ..always have to be asked though.

captainproton · 09/07/2015 20:19

Lots of people have no parents to help, or whose parents need some sort of care themselves. Are there any support groups locally for mums in your situation, special groups at the children centre? Perhaps building up a network so that once in a while you can babysit each other's kids? We have no family help, but my DSS is 14 and in a year or 2's time when our toddlers are older he is willing to babysit. he also has a half brother with Tourette's and autism and knows exactly what to do/say. Will your eldest be able to help as they get older? Good way to earn pocket money.

Trambuctious · 09/07/2015 20:37

Over the birthday, tell them that you'll do another weekend if they're not free on the weekend of the birthday itself. I would explain how hard you are finding it (in a sit down chat, not by text), and how our son will only accept family. Fair enough, they don't like looking after your kids, but any decent and healthy parent would agree to do it occasionally if their child were desperate. If you can agree to eg once a month and no more, they won't feel that saying yes once will doom them to endless childcare.

prettywhiteguitar · 09/07/2015 20:44

Hmmm the fact they come over to see them but won't babysit is pretty selfish.

I would txt back and then ask to get back to you with a date then. Or say please can you babysit for an afternoon next week so dh and I can go for counselling as we are on our arses.

Maybe they might step up if they realise that you are ill from it all. Shift work is hard to deal with and with your ds I can understand why you just need a bit if time away from it all.

Original poster

TwilightMad · 09/07/2015 21:41

That's the thing, they already know that we are on our arses, they come round and see me literally dripping with sweat when Ds is a having a particularly bad day and I've done nothing but run round after him. They see how tired I look and my dad even commented the other week that I'd lost a lot of weight and looked run down, we'll there's a reason for that! They were never what you call lovey duvey parents when I was younger so I think they struggle now with my kids and would rather just give them presents and treats and I've felt lately that when they visit they mentally tick it off their list of to do's and that's as far as it goes.

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LittleLionMansMummy · 10/07/2015 09:05

I initially was going to say YABU because three children is a lot, but then I saw that they have your brother's children and to be honest, that would seriously piss me off. Also two of yours are old enough to be quite easy. I wonder what their real reason is? My mum and dad have had our 4.5yo ds several times over the years for days and/ or overnight, as they do for my niece. But i know they'd struggle with more than one. For example my other sister has 2 boys (6 and 8) and they're willing to have them one at a time but not together, which doesn't really help dsis much. But they can be a bit of a handful together. And the in laws - well forget it. They live 200 miles away so it's hard anyway as they don't know ds really, but they've made it clear they won't babysit for us when we go up there or they come down here. We've just accepted it - mil is not particularly maternal anyway and all 4 of her children say so!

Perhaps your parents struggle with your youngest more than you think?

Trambuctious · 10/07/2015 10:40

It's tough when you have to accept that your own parents aren't very nice people and don't care about you in the real sense of the word.

NewsreaderChic · 10/07/2015 10:49

Tell them. You are assuming that they're picking up on all the signals. They may well have a policy of being a little hands off, but if you explained just how bad things are they may well step in and help.

AppleAndBlackberry · 10/07/2015 10:51

It's hard when your parents aren't supportive. I think you will just have to see if you can work around it though, they're probably not going to change. Can you take a day off during school and nursery hours to spend together before the summer holidays? We are in a similar situation due to distance and having parents who work so we often meet for lunch when my DH is working since we can't really go out in the evenings. Even an hour is better than nothing.

Trambuctious · 10/07/2015 11:52

If your more difficult to look after child is the younger one, still at nursery, can you arrange a play-date for the older ones while he is still in nursery and they are on holiday, and use that time?
I think you need to find a solution to the problem of his not liking non family members looking after him. As children get older, childcare / sleepover swops with other families are sometimes possible.
You might also go out after he is asleep - so he won't even know that there is a babysitter there instead of you.

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