Why do I feel like they're somehow happy to see me and DH struggle

[TwilightMad]

This is how I feel about my own parents! Me and Dh have had a really tough couple of years, we have three children and the youngest who's 4 is on the verge of being diagnosed with additional needs. These last two years we have been through hell and are at the point were we feel that we are not coping and could crack any second.

As parents you don't expect to get much time to yourselves, especially when they're young but we never get ANY time together by ourselves, never. We've had two trips to the cinema in the last four years and although I'm not wanting a big night out with Dh, we are however feeling as though we need some to take some time for us before one of us snaps or we end up separating just so that we could both have a break.

But my parents won't help! Don't get me wrong they visit twice a week (for a whole hour!) and they clearly love and adore our chidlren and always spoil them but I dont want them to be spoiled all I want is for my parents to want to spend time with their grandkids and god forbid maybe once a month to maybe sit with them for a bit so that me and Dh can have a little alone time.

I'm sorry to come across as moany, I don't intend for it to seem like that, I'm just desperate! I love my kids dearly but I put myself last at every opportunity and have done for years putting everything above my own thoughts, feeling and needs and I'm now wiped out, I love my husband but I fear he's going to leave me or I'm going to leave him, and neither of us wants that. So are we being totally unreasonable to expect a bit of help from our own parents? I just get the feeling that they don't want to see us happy!

What trambuctious said...

Tbh you come across a little bit as a whinging child. Surely by this stage in your life you have realised who your parents are, and part of growing up and becoming independent is accepting your family relationships for what they are.

In my view you need to accept that your parents aren't going to offer what you're hoping for (and many many others of us in various situations face the same issue for whatever reason) and look for your own alternative respite.

Dh and I have lunch together every now and then, or we have to pay for a babysitter in the evenings. We have 3dc with big age gaps and getting informal, free childcare is awkward even without any special needs involved.

It does feel never ending at times and I feel your pain but at the end of the day our dc are realistically our own responsibility. I am positive I will be a better grandparent, but with 3dc I may be spread quite thin and not able to do as much as I would like to. I don't feel it would my responsibility in any case.

I think asking them to do an entire day - even in December and even for your dh's 40th birthday - is probably a bit ambitious when they are reluctant to do any babysitting at all. It is quite tiring to spend all day with your own livewire 4-year-old, let alone anyone else's (even a grandchild).

The pil detested babysitting, but in order to have the very rare (early) evening out with dh, I would provide the pil with a home-cooked meal and be home by 8pm. As it was, fil would always be at the front door getting his coat on. Sigh.

I think that you should ask your DS's nursery worker ASAP.

What would you do if your parents weren't around? Do that.

I say that having one parent who has passed away and one who is about as supportive as a bra made of jelly.

Thank god for my MIL who is ace!

Definitely ask the nursery staff.

Some people are just selfish, your parents clearly fall into the category. You need to stop trying to change them, and look for other solutions.

This jumps out though 'they've seen me literally dripping with sweat when i've been running round after him all day'. If you find it physically hard work and you are in your 20s/30s, then at 50 and with an 'old' mindset they must find the prospect of looking after your youngest completely daunting.

I "come across a little bit as a whining child" thanks for that mrsplum! I assure you that there is nothing "whiney" about me, i am simply exhausted and on the verge of becoming ill. I usually ask nothing of no one and I am a very independent person but I'm struggling. If you have to beg your own family for help then that's kind of sad, wouldn't you agree?.....

I read loads of posts like yours here op, where you dont get any help with your kids but your parents had loads of help themselves, it seems like the more help you receive the more selfish and self centred you become.

Its a bloody shame, but I see it all the time going on around me, people I know who have their parents running round after them are usually the last people on earth to offer to help others.

And of course its sad, its just crap.

and I dont think you are whining at all, I absolutely hate the "they are your children to look after" crap thats always trotted out on these threads, as if you didnt realise they are your kids...

Oh bless you, I haven't read all of the replies.
First of all do you and your DH open up and talk about your feelings to each other I feel that is important.
I kind of know how you feel in regards of having no time just you and him. We have a 6 year old 13 month old and 8 week old. Haven't been out just us for over 3 years, my mum doesn't offer she's not in great health she will only have my eldest,My sister has offered just this week to come to our house so we can have some time, I would suggest asking your brother but as he seems to make excuses that option doesn't seem viable.
Do your children have good bedtime routines Hun, maybe you could have a date night but at home (I know it's not the same) but just you 2 no TV phones and talk, cook a nice meal and just be with each other.
I think asking a nursery teacher is a fab idea atleast he will already know this person, do you have any other relatives that could lend a hand, cousins maybe?
We've had a busy few years having our 2 youngest so close together which I wouldn't change for the world but I really started to miss my OH even though he was here in the evenings we were so tired we just say on different sofas watching TV lol, it wasn't until he put his arms around me and told me how he felt that we sat and discussed it. We are a lot happier now. We wasn't at breaking point like you feel you are though, I know it's naughty but could your DH take a day off work and spend a day with you while they are all at school? Just once in a blue moon? X

It's a shame they don't want a more involved relationship with their gc, but it's not something you can force :(
I'm lucky in that my pils are very involved and both DC have a wonderful relationship with them.
My own parents were less hands on, but always available in an emergency.
I know several older people with gc who barely see them (through choice) and yet had loads of help from their own parents.
Go figure.

Surely get nursery people to sit is the answer? I'm a single mum with no family near by and two under fives, the odd evening out thanks to a babysitter from nursery is my lifeline!

The thing is though I'm slowly starting to feel a little resentful towards them, but I don't want to feel this way. My mum phones me everyday asking how the kids are, they visit twice a week and she asks to come watch my youngest at his swimming lessons or my eldest football, so on paper they look like great grandparents, but I feel like they do it because they feel they should not because they really want to.

But I don't always need them to phone everyday, I don't need them to feel like they have to come all my kids activities etc although it's nice, all I need from them is for them to geuninley want to spend time with my kids and maybe realise that me and Dh aren't as strong and tough as we look.

Twilight, I suspect you are anything but whinging. I have a similar issue. I think sometimes when you appear capable it can be very difficult for others to think of you as anything but so they don't actually take notice of the evidence before their eyes, if you see what I mean. I have no advice - if I did I'd take it myself - but just to offer sympathy, I know how you feel.

It is definitely not whinging mrsplum.It is hard to explain if you have never experienced it. You just wonder why your parents don't care about you.

We get no help at all OP. Haven't had a night out in 9 years. We don't ask, they don't offer. When they visit they sit and observe our parenting rather than joining in and playing with our children (whilst waiting for us to provide drinks/food/etc).

I feel your pain and I empathise with your exhaustion but honestly, give up. They won't do it. They clearly don't want to. Find another solution or just resign yourself to it.

I think it's interesting puffin rock because I have been there and do understand. I suppose I'm trying to give the benefit of my experience because I feel a lot happier now I have moved on and don't want to beg anymore, I accept it is the way it is and have relationships with my parents and inlaws based on what they are willing and able to give (which is attention for my dc and very occasionally taking one at a time).

I also have struggled with my mental and physical health over the last few years and have found that it is better to focus on how I can get help and a break rather than focus on what my parents won't do to help me, which just makes me feel tireder and sadder. Dh and I have to pay for help to get a break, or share the load to get individual time out.

I think what comes across as whining is that people have made suggestions like this to the op as many of us do manage without grandparent help, and everything is met with a "too hard". Perhaps the op doesn't want parenting advice on how to get respite without grandparents helping, but instead should have posted on relationships about coming to terms with the issues with her parents.

Again i repeat make use of daytime when all dc are at school, use time when dc are in bed and/or when older ones are with friends, pay for help.

And op if you really aren't happy with how they manage the relationships with you and the dgc then perhaps you need to go no contact.

reading your last post has changed my mind a bit, I think your parents sound like they are involved with your kids, just not in the way you want them to be

my inlaws never bothered with my kids, they ran after dh's grown up siblings all the time and never bothered too much with their only grandchildren, when they died we didnt notice much difference to our lives

I think your parents sound different to that

Mrsplum. I don't think the op is begging. If you now how hard it is have you never felt down? Do you know what is like bringing up a child with additional needs so you can't pay for outside help?

really mrsplum, go no contact just because the grandparents dont babysit?

jesus fuckin wept

I agree that you are coming across as too strong, probably. As a working single mum with no help whatever and loads of things to deal with I found it very hard. Eventually as the problems mounted up I told my sibling, who had never offered to help (does live some distance away) that I really needed them to take the children for one week a year, for the good of both me and the children (male role model, break from mum, etc). That has happened for the several years since then. It would not have happened if I hadn't asked, making it clear that I really needed the answer to be yes.

Twilight Please keep in mind that I am saying this simply because I know where you are coming from, to some extent. You are going to drive yourself to distraction this way. They are interested in your children, they are involved in their lives. Unfortunately you cannot dictate that they take the children. Perhaps they are uncomfortable if your child has SNs. And again, I say this as I have 2 children with SNs and finding a sitter is very difficult.

I've recently decided that in order to give myself some respite, I need to be proactive. My plan is to hire a sitter for a regular time slot - once a week or once every two weeks. The first time, I will not actually "go" anywhere. I will happily pay the sitter to watch the dcs while I am in the house, so the dcs get used to them as a "family friend" and they can get to know each other. It also means any questions regarding their SNs can be answered right away, and I can see how the sitter copes with them. Once the sitter has done that, then I will venture out of the house, perhaps going for a short walk around the neighborhood or to the corner shop. Then after that, I hope the dcs will be comfortable enough with the sitter that I can go out for a bit longer. I am hoping it will make the process easier.

Is that something you could consider trying?

I feel for you op. Unless you're willing to have a frank talk with your parents then nothing is going to change though?

Mum- I'm on my knees with exhaustion and we need a break, can you babysit for us on x day for x hours? I understand if you can't, and please tell me why?

Then you'll know where you are, and find an alternative arrangement.

As long as they realise you will not be looking after them when they are old.
Believe me, they will regret not supporting you when they need care themselves.

Ssd, no I personally wouldn't (and havent) gone no contact for that reason. But the op seems to find it so hard that her parents, in her view, put on a false act of being good grandparents and really seem to not care about her ability to cope that actually it may be her best way of coming to terms with it. She mentions regular phone calls and visits which seem to make her life harder and for her own sanity it might be appropriate to cut these out altogether.

I personally have learned to accept my parents and inlaws like the "soft end" of grandparenting but cant/won't do the hard work! And I see that for what it is rather than always looking for more....!

Puffin, I don't have child with sn but I don't think it changes the issue. Others in this position have said on the thread that it is possible to pay for help still, and the child with sn still goes to school each day. It is obviously harder but there are elements of all situations that are harder. I hope that the op has additional support relating to these needs eg carers allowance and specialist services, difficult to judge what the issues are without understanding what the sn are.

In all fairness, her parents do not appear to be "putting on a false act of being good grandparents" at all. They simply are not doing specifically what the OP wants them to do, which clearly they are not comfortable with, for whatever reason. I cannot understand why regular phone calls or visits from the grandparents would make OP's life harder. I do think that OP is spending far too much time worrying this around in her head though. Sometimes I think when people do not live up to our expectations that we don't always deal well with it. Her parents are not being bad grandparents - they clearly are keeping in contact with their grandchildren, showing an interest in their activities, and visiting them regularly.

They are not "required" to take the grandchildren overnight or for extended visits. Yes, it'd be nice if they did, but this appears to be something they are not prepared to do. I think the OP needs to stop stressing over her expectations and accept the reality of the situation without placing undue blame on them. They are not doing anything wrong.

The OP then needs to focus her attention on getting in some other support or respite so she and her DH can spend some quality couple time together. There are ways to deal with it, but she's not going to move forward in this until she puts aside this other issue with her parents and focuses on the practical aspect of getting in support.