Help, My 15 year old daughter is pregnant!!

[onceskinnysize8]

So here we go, My daughter told me on Monday that she thinks she might be pregnant. Fast forward to Thursday and the Gp has confirmed it, she is 100% pregnant!
I really don't know what i am supposed to do, I haven't stopped crying, my husband has taken it even worse, i have never seen him so angry and upset. Our daughter is scared and is crying constantly.
She is resolute that she is having the baby, She says she couldn't live with herself if she had an abortion, she said she would feel like she had killed a baby. Only she could possibly make that decision.
I have told her we are there for her and we will help her bring up this baby.
I worry about her future now as a single young mum, what about school, university and being a normal 15 year old?

I really do not know what i am supposed to do in this situation, we have not told the father yet or his family, it is a boy the same age she knows from school. Beyond the shock that she is pregnant i feel ashamed and embarrassed that i have failed as a mother. I had had the talk about contraception and sex with her earlier this year as i suspected she might be sexually active, she has always been well developed physically for her age compared to her peers, clearly it didn't sink in!

I just can not get my head around my young girl being pregnant at such a young age,

What do i do? Has anybody else gone through this?

I agree with butterfly and libraries - I would want to ensure my dd had all the information. Bringing up a child is hard work and there will be a lot of things she will miss - how does she feel about that?
Don't be hard on yourself op.

I agree butterflies. She may have decided now that she wants to continue the pregnancy but she absolutely can change her mind and that is a perfectly valid decision, she should know that she can do that and tell her parents and be supported in exactly the same way as if she were continuing the pregnancy. It isnt a closed door. Her feelings may change and she should know she has that option.

thank you for the replies, understandably nobody in our house is sleeping much at the moment.
I have listened to much f what people have posted tonight.
I know deep down i haven't failed, it just seems that way. My daughter is gifted academically, especially numbers, she sat her Maths and science GCSE's in year 9 and got A* shes currently doing A Level Maths and Physics whilst doing the other GCSE courses. This is i think part of why maybe shes in this situation, she has had lessons in with older pupils whilst being younger than them. Perhaps grown up before she was ready? Because of her talents i just feel that she has wasted her potential. i take on board what many of you say that there is life beyond the pregnancy.
She says she knows that she has made a huge mistake and now has to be grown up and deal with it. She knows she can change her mind about the pregnancy, though GP says shes likely 10 weeks pregnant, which fits with the dates daughter has said things happened with the boy.
My husband and I wont't raise the baby as our own, that responsibility is my daughters. We will support her emotionally, practically and financially.
Already my daughter is asking will she have to move out with the baby when its born, i have said only if she wanted to, but why would you? She replied that she assumed she would have to, i assured her that she is welcome in our house as long as she wants to remain here, its her home as much as ours.
How do we go about telling the father to be? Hes 15, I know of his parents but have never met or spoken to them. How do you tell strangers that their 15 year old is going to be a father in several months time!!
Advice???

Does he know? Has she told him? Without being too blunt, was this a result of contraceptive failure or complete absence? I assume they are not 'together' in a relationship? What sort of involvement does your dd expect from him? If they are in a relationship, however fragile, I guess you have to respect that as much as possible, whilst ensuring that your dd does not feel in any way beholden to him? It's probably wise to make sure he knows before his parents are informed - does dd have any idea how he can react? It could be anything from 'when are you getting rid of it?' tbh... And his reaction might also cause her to question her own decisions.

He may well want to tell his parents himself, in the same way that your dd told you. But you won't know until he is aware of the situation. I don't think it's fair to inform them without having giving him the opportunity to do so. Can dd arrange to tell him when you are close by for support?

And ideally this should be as soon as possible, so that any changes of heart once this all becomes a bit more real can be worked through before 12 weeks. Did the GP offer a counselling service?

(You need to let go of the whole blame thing btw - I also have a 15yo in classes with much older kids. There is nothing to be gained by attempting to work out what could have been done differently)

God this is hard.

First off, it is no blame on you. you cannot control teenagers no matter how hard you try - they throw things at you that you never expected. I've been there.

I have a 15 year old and I think of her as very very far from adult (as she does herself) and way off being able to rear a child. I literally couldn't imagine her being a mother. She is a child who still needs rearing.

I am the child of a 17 year old mother myself. i won't say it ruined my mother's life but i will say it changed it immeasurably and not in a good way. She is still dealing with it to this day. she loves me dearly and we have all done well but she has said (and I don't mind her saying it to me ) that if she could have terminated the pregnancy when she found out about it she would have and no regrets. It was pre abortion laws.

Does she really know what having a baby is iike? it was like a bomb going off in my life for me age 31 with a supportive husband and a much wanted child.

I know I sound awful-sorry. but rearing a child is such a big responsibility. Not one I would give to a 15 year old. If she takes it on I'm sure she will do her best.

Like others said I would try to let her think about the other options if possible.

thinking of you.

"How do we go about telling the father to be? Hes 15, I know of his parents but have never met or spoken to them. How do you tell strangers that their 15 year old is going to be a father in several months time!!"
She tells him, he tells his parents. Exactly the same way they would if they were any other age. Just like your daughter, if he's old enough to make a baby then he's old enough to face up to the fact. Which might sound unsympathetic, but I'm not really. It's just reality.
After that undoubtedly you'd need to be more involved than you would be otherwise.

I used to work as a TA at a high school for teen parents, and not all of them had the support of their own parents. I agree with the comment from a teacher in a pp, they were generally pretty amazing young women. (We had a girl turn up to class in labour on the Friday, and was back to school - with her baby - on Tuesday.)

I know this may be an unpopular suggestion, but encourage her to have a termination. The boyfriend isn't likely to stay in the picture. Having a baby is lots of work. She'd have to grow up very fast. Your daughter hasn't reached her full physical growth, so this pregnancy would be high risk.

(We had a girl turn up to class in labour on the Friday, and was back to school - with her baby - on Tuesday.)

Was that what she wanted? Was that ideal? If you were her mother wouldn't you want more for her?

All those teen mums are amazing young women - but amazing or not they are stymied by their early pregnancies and this is not what I would want for my daughter.

And how long could that girl realistically bring a baby to class? How much would her parents be expected to pitch in to rear that child. What happens after that Tuesday when mastitis sets in or the baby gets colic? Or has a more serious medical issue. What if a teen gives birth to a child with serious health concerns. you now have a child who is not old enough to consent to her own medical procedures - for a reason - making decisions for an infant.

Even if the baby has no issues but gets up every 3 hours to feed at night, how will a 15 year old manage that. My 15 year old hasn't even finished growing. The last thing she needs is to be responsible for rearing another human being.

I'm with Erica - i honestly think the best decision this 15 year old could make would be to terminate an early pregnancy and wait till she is older to be a mother. That is what I would wish for my daughter.

You have certainly not failed as a parent but why on earth did you leave it so late to have the "talk"?

I gave DS an age-appropriate book at the age of 6 (explaining puberty etc.) and gave him a packet of condoms as a joke, he laughed too for his 14th birthday.
Apart from pregnancy, also STDs such as Chlamydia of course.

But then I live in a country where teenage pregnancies are unheard of really and a very pragmatic approach is taken to it. And in crowded living spaces there just isn't room and granny is certainly not taking over!

Why is it that your daughter has decided to have a baby at 15 instead of concentrating on her further education?

I'm sorry you're going through this.

First of all as a parent I am far more scared of drug addiction than teen pregnancy. With you DD has she thought about how she is going to support her child? She is going to have to get some sort of a job to bring in income. Also, it doesn't sound like the relationship with the boy is developed enough to support a child. However you never know.

Truth be told, there are worse things than being 15 and pregnant. Termination is an option as is keeping the child. The important factor is that raising a child properly is very hard work and IMO it takes two parents and/or a heck of a lot of money to pay for therapy/cleaners/nannies. It's important she has a good idea as to what she is letting herself in for. I'm 35 and I can't handle two kids and working more than 45 hours a week. I have huge respect for lone parents. They face hours of being lonely and they never get a break. Does your DD really realise the impact of her decision? Might be an idea to let her read a few threads.....

I'm a LP, did it from 6 months onwards - he's going on early 20.s now.

The hardest thing I've done in my life - cos you only get ONE chance to do it right...

I had him at 36 and thank god I had all my ducks in a row by then - home, career, finances.... pity about the lousy dead beat dad

Cos when you bring a child into the world, your own goes onto the back burner for 20-odd years.....

You sound like a good parent to me, but something like this is when you prove just how good. Most people will only admire you if you support your child and help her to bring up her baby with love. I bet she'll surprise you with how well she does. And you must resolve to surprise her with your unwavering support. Good luck.

I know a girl that fell pregnant at 15 and had another child at 19 and she has gone back to college and will start university this year. she is LP and has done very well for self and she had little support from her parents at the beginning they kicked her out. she was 15 pregnant and in a hostel children's dad was no support to her either at this time he would flick from being the nicest guy to abusive arse. (still is that way now with someone else) anything is possible it does not mean her life is over

"I'm with Erica - i honestly think the best decision this 15 year old could make would be to terminate an early pregnancy and wait till she is older to be a mother. That is what I would wish for my daughter."
And if that's not the decision she made? Would you force her to have such a serious medical procedure against her will?
I'm not in the UK, the age of medical consent here is 14 - this law was enacted, in fact, to give teenagers access to birth control, STI treatment, and abortions without parental interference, and quite rightly so, in my opinion.

I don't want to hijack this thread, but the school I worked at was expressly set up for teenage parents. They had on-site childcare, and various social services, including medical and child welfare, were working closely with staff and students. Many of the girls there, who had decided against terminating for whatever reason I never asked, did not go on to raise their babies.
In any case, it was not my job to judge. The class I helped teach was about making career decisions, not parenting decisions.

Of course it's not ideal, but my original post was intended to point out that not ideal doesn't mean impossible. Abstract statements about what you or I would or should do in this situation are of absolutely no use to the OP or her daughter.

Just support her in her decision to keep the baby.
Many years ago a 15 year old friend of mine was forced to have her baby adopted. That has completely messed up her life and her relationship with her parents.

I know it's not ideal but I wanted to put another view forward.... Many young people are still considered "young at 30" now and are going back to university and retraining and changing career. We had someone on here the other day asking about retraining in medicine aged 42 and lots telling her to go for it. So there is no reason whatsoever to think that aged 15 her life or career choices are over - when she is 30 the baby will be the same age she is now and that's plenty of time to start over if she wants to (or before or after, just picked 30 out because it would make her child the same age she is now).

There are lots of benefits to having children young. Obviously she is very young indeed but it's not the end of the world, just a terrible shock for you right now.

Just wanted to say i'm sorry you're going through this, it must be heart wrenching seeing your little girl so upset and not knowing what to do for the best. I haven't been through this but I have recently had a baby and the minute I found out I was pregnant(unplanned) I felt like I was a child again!
Your daughters gp will be able to refer her for some counselling, it might help her come to terms with how her life is going to change with a baby. I needed some for anxiety and I'm much older, It helped just to talk to an outsider about what I was worried about. Could help you too.

At 15 some girls are very mature but a baby At this kind of age is never going to be easy, i had mine at 28 and it's not exactly been a piece of cake even now. If your daughter is intelligent she will likely already know that it will be tough so try not to be too hard on her, try to be realistic rather than pessimistic.

The best thing for you and your daughter is to keep communicating, help her to prepare as much as possible and be realistic from the start about how she will manage, what help you can give etc. It sounds like you have a good relationship for her to have told you quickly so try to stay close to her, she will need you now more than ever and I have seen teenagers distance themselves from their parents in situations like this. Telling someone they can't do something is a sure fire way to make them to go off and prove they can do it but without your help!

If you are going to help her financially try to let her budget herself, obviously set some guidelines but try to give her some control. Being in charge of getting things ready and organising before the birth really helped me feel prepared.

Good luck with everything.

Nothing valuable to add except you sound like a lovely mum, and whatever your daughter decides she will be well supported.

I recently ran into a girl I went to school with. She was always very wild at school and now has 5 kids, she had 3 by age 21. I am afraid I made some assumptions about her before we got talking . I was really surprised and pleased for her when she told me she has a very good professional job and had gone to uni at age 34, a LP with 5 children. This was a girl who left school with virtually no qualifications.

So being a young mum doesn't mean the end of your life.

Why is it that your daughter has decided to have a baby at 15 instead of concentrating on her further education

With support she can do both. This is a girl who has achieved A* at GCSE ahead of her counterparts and has progressed to A levels at 15. It seems to me this is a driven individual with discipline and ability to achieve. With the right support she could do amazingly well as both a parent and a student.

takes two parents and/or a heck of a lot of money to pay for therapy/cleaners/nannies.

Therapy, (THERAPY!?) cleaners and nannies are not necessary in order to be a fantastic parent.

Please don't pressurise your DD to have an abortion. I had one at 17 absolutely no support family wise from mum (who'd had one at same age) and I wasn't ready to leave home and live in a council flat as I was from a naice family and quite naive.

Years later at 43 not pregnant ever again apart from 21 and I so wish I had kept my baby or had more discussion.

Basically I was made by my GP to feel a bit like a stupid girl for getting pregnant and a fostered "aunt" of the family who had had an unplanned pregnancy at 14 and had had the fathers family adopt the baby and had then 4 years later had 2 children in quick succession well she took me to Brook Advisory Clinic and then a hospital but because I was clever it was all "super you'd be ruining your life if you had a baby etc".

I am still very upset and a bit bitter to this day with my mum about this as I know if she'd supported me ok it would be hard but she would have supported me rather than worry about having a baby in the house with my stepdad who wasn't easy to live with (wouldn't have liked a crying baby).

So think hard and ask your DD what "she" wants.

My ex colleague at work her DS GF fell pregnant at 17 but the ex colleague took her in and looked after part time her DGD (her first DGC) at home (colleague worked 4 days a week), the GF is now at uni studying after working in childcare and the DS is still with the GF, I'm sure it's not easy but they have support, since that time about 3 other DGC have been born so that's handy for playtime, support etc.

Good luck!

Oh I had miscarriage at 21 and blamed myself sort of for having termination (eg if I had not had termination I wouldn't have a miscarriage).

It is hard being a LP but a damn sight easier I think than when I was young as lots of support from unis, schools, workplaces etc. finances yes can be hard but if she were to go to uni she would have to learn to budget anyway.

My counselling was very much geared towards - how would you cope alone and geared towards me being not mature enough.

In fact I was the girl who my 2 best friends were totally shocked I'd got pregnant that was not " super!". The worst thing was my best friend also got pregnant about a year after and made a sort of moral stance about how she'd never abort which made me feel worse seeing her with her babies. It really depends how strong your DD's character would be in both situations I think.

Just to add i also left school at 15 before having my son a couple of years later, ive just been accepted into my university of choice after completing an adult access course. Quite honestly at 18 i had no notion of university, i had no idea what i wanted to do for a career and was wasting my life with a shithead boyfriend and drinking every weekend. Having my son straightened me up sharpish and i'll be honest, i didnt find it hard. I love it. Admittedly i had an "easy" baby and went back to my job part time so it wasnt endless nappies and bottles. Just saying that it isnt all doom and gloom an babies arent always the nightmare that some people have with them. Nor is it always a bad thing if higher education is delayed. I am really appreciating my chance to study now in a way i know i wouldnt have at 18.

She has made the decision and you need to support her; she will need to grow and mature faster and take responsibility for her decisions. Support her doesn't mean you need too be the mother of the baby