Help, My 15 year old daughter is pregnant!!

[onceskinnysize8]

So here we go, My daughter told me on Monday that she thinks she might be pregnant. Fast forward to Thursday and the Gp has confirmed it, she is 100% pregnant!
I really don't know what i am supposed to do, I haven't stopped crying, my husband has taken it even worse, i have never seen him so angry and upset. Our daughter is scared and is crying constantly.
She is resolute that she is having the baby, She says she couldn't live with herself if she had an abortion, she said she would feel like she had killed a baby. Only she could possibly make that decision.
I have told her we are there for her and we will help her bring up this baby.
I worry about her future now as a single young mum, what about school, university and being a normal 15 year old?

I really do not know what i am supposed to do in this situation, we have not told the father yet or his family, it is a boy the same age she knows from school. Beyond the shock that she is pregnant i feel ashamed and embarrassed that i have failed as a mother. I had had the talk about contraception and sex with her earlier this year as i suspected she might be sexually active, she has always been well developed physically for her age compared to her peers, clearly it didn't sink in!

I just can not get my head around my young girl being pregnant at such a young age,

What do i do? Has anybody else gone through this?

[EliRey]

I know you've received a lot of feedback regarding your post but I wanted to add some more food for thought. If anything to make you feel a tiny bit better. First off I agree with everyone else. No you have not failed as a parent. Our kids even as young as 15 obviously have their own mind and make their own decisions regardless of how much we try to point them in the right direction. All we can do as parents is try to give the best advice we can and HOPE that they take. Unfortunately more often than not they will think they know better. Sometimes it's just bad luck. But unfortunately one bad decision can be life changing.

I have not been in your place nor have either of my kids had this issue (Now 23 & 21) BUT I too felt as if I'd failed as a parent a few years ago. My daughter who was a nursing student at the time and doing very well, honor student who spent the majority of her time studying and going to school, made a huge mistake. After being a hermit for MONTHS because of her commitment to her studies she went to a friends party. That evening she got behind the wheel of her car while intoxicated. She was in an accident where luckily no one was seriously injured but because their were minor injuries and two other cars involved she was given two choices. She either pleaded guilty to a felony with a strike that would stay on her record FOREVER and just do three years probation or plead guilty to a felony that would come off her record after several years and 3 years probation but she'd have to do six months in jail. She chose the latter and my husband and I just wanted to die.

But she was just nineteen and she didn't want to have to live with a strike on her record for the rest of her life. The day she went to the courthouse to give them her plea and was taken into custody my husband cried the whole way home. It was the worst feeling in the world. My baby who'd never been in ANY kind of trouble in her life was going to jail and there was NOTHING we could do about it. On top of that there was also the shame of it all. No one in our family had ever even been arrested much less done time. It was just such a horrid time in our lives.

As it turned out it wasn't AS bad as I imagined. I pictured my daughter in this tiny little jail cell crying all day and dealing with being surrounded and possibly threatened by dangerous criminals. She was actually in more of dorm setting. No jail cells just large gym like rooms with lots of bunk beds with LOTS of strict rules. Yes she lost all privacy when it came to using the bathroom and showering but she said she got over it fairly quickly. The food also was horrid but she said the hands down worst part about being there was the boredom.

She'd been given 6 months time but was out in 3. Three longest months of my life! Thing is it changed her but not in a bad way. She grew from this unexpected and traumatic experience of her life. Another thing that happened while she was in there and had all that time to ponder was that she realized she had no choice but to follow her dream.

While she chose to go to nursing school because she wanted the shortest career path because she said she didn't like school but didn't want to get just any job it wasn't her first choice of career. Being a veterinarian had been her lifelong dream. Except once she graduated from high school and did her research she said no way was she going to school for the minimum 8 years it would take her to become one. So she'd axed her dream and went with the shorter career choice. One she said she'd never been happy with even though she finished nursing school.

But with a felony on her record now she doesn't qualify to take her state boards to become licensed. The felony will come off her record eventually but it'll be years. In the meantime she'll just have to wait. So when she got out she immediately enrolled in college to start all her general ed classes. She says now if she has to wait to get her career going she may as well do what she really wants to do. She's now a 3rd year pre-vet student and once again on the honor roll. She's completely committed to school and she's also working.

Also I know I'm biased but she's 21 and beautiful. As in a head turner and yet she REFUSES to get "sucked up" in a relationship. Most her high school friends are either married/living with their boyfriends/or have had babies. Some have several. Many of the girls she bonded with in jail were repeat offenders because sadly they were hopelessly drug addicted. Most had lost custody of their children and yet they continued violate their probation by using and getting thrown back in jail.

Because of all this as much as I'd like to erase this experience from our lives I have to say, it made my daughter a better, stronger and more determined person. For one, she admits having friends who use. Because her friends lead normal lives she might've been tempted to also use. Instead after seeing the seemingly nice girls she met in jail who were simply unable to get off the stuff she now says she will NEVER do drugs. Also she has no desire to be in a relationship that might "derail" her school plans because she's absolutely determined to become a vet.

My point is, this might seem like the end of the world right now but your daughter is lucky to have you and your husband. I have a friend who got unexpectedly pregnant, she wasn't as young as your daughter but she was still 19 and not at all prepared for that wrench to be thrown in her plans. Because she had family who helped her she's now a single mom of a beautiful grade school girl and has earned her masters degree. She said having to deal with being a single mom definitely made her a stronger person. So much so for the longest time she kept talking about wanting to move to Hawaii. From Southern Cal where all her family was! I thought she was nuts but she did it! She and her daughter moved out there all alone and she was certain they'd be fine. She got a job and enrolled in school out there to continue her education and it's where she earned her masters degree!

It's been almost three years since my daughter was released from jail. She's doing awesome, we all are. Life isn't perfect and I don't expect it to ever be but I'm convinced now together we can get through anything.

I don't know how religious you are but I have this little sign hanging in my office that says "God gives us only what we can handle. Apparently God thinks I'm a bad-ass." =)

Also every now and again I like to watch this short clip as a reminder that the struggle is what makes us strong enough to survive! Might do you good to bookmark it like I have it and watch it whenever life feels like TOO much of a struggle!

You're daughter is gonna be just fine because of you and your husband AND because THIS will shape her into the strong woman she was going to be someday anyway. Just a little sooner!

God bless!

[DeleteOrDecay]

ZOMBIE THREAD

[KimmySchmidt1]

It's difficult to know what to say because I would definitely have had an abortion - you only get one life and the way Britain is now, being a lone teenage parent just makes having a successful life so extraordinarily difficult. You really have to play all your cards right to get anywhere in life. It's harder than ever.

Have you asked her to map out the realities? Who will look after the baby while she studies, has she checked university arrangements? Will she take it to lectures? Is there free childcare? Who will pay for the childcare?

Better that she realises the practical difficulties and balances these against the sentimentalities now than later.

Also does she understand the science behind what she is currently carrying? Before 12 weeks how small and unformed it is?

[EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic]

@Gmar have you started your own thread? Has your DD decided what she’s going to do?

[GMar]

I'm really interested to know how this turned out. I found out this week that my 15 year old is also pregnant. I went to Family Planning with her, talked to her regularly about EVERYTHING to do with sex, she had everything she needed. But here we are and the emotions this post describes are exactly what I'm going through now. So did the pregnancy progress, did you're daughter pass her exams, have the baby. Thanks xx

[MaryPoppinsPenguins]

This thread is 6 months old...

[FuckyNell]

This is an old thread. Start your own new ones and you'll get lots of advice.

Sorry you're both in this situation - good luck trog and jil.

[Jiliky1962]

I found out on Sunday evening that my 15 year d is pregnant she didn't tell me her brother did. She is so far refusing to go to gp to be checked. I'm devastated, and her attitude towards me is not helping. No idea what support is out therein these situation any advice would help thanks

[Trogspotter]

Hi I am a single father and am currently going through the same situation and have the same worries she's still a little girl herself, i don't know what to do

[Heartofgold25]

I dont think you have failed AT ALL. I don't think it is possible to prevent something like this as her mother, you did everything you could. So stop blaming yourself is the first thing you must do.

I agree with the other posters, your dd is in shock, but she may change her mind in a few weeks, she needs to time to really think it through. Questions to ask her possibly:

Does she actually want the baby?
Can she imagine pushing a pram? Feeding the baby all night?
Giving birth?
Is she very close/in love with the father? Can she imagine a future with him? He is going to be a huge part of her life forever whatever happens if she decides to stay pregnant.
The change to her life will be enormous ~ talk about those changes with her.
What would she do with her life if this were not the situation?

I also think she needs to remember at this stage it is NOT a baby, it is a bunch of cells. It might be helpful to show her if she is very early stages. I am not encouraging a termination against her wishes, but she needs to realise that at this moment in time it is not a real or viable baby unless she chooses it to be. For this reason I would hold off telling anyone until she has completely decided. At the moment she will just feel shell shocked. No one expects to get pregnant when they are a teenager.

When my friend became pregnant, she was taken to the GP and there was no question she would keep it, he simply sent her to the hospital for a termination. I think it was easier for her, as she wasn't given an option to keep the baby as such, everyone just expected her to deal with it. As it turns out it really was the best thing for her, she went on to have a very successful career and a family of her own, when she was ready.

If she does decide to keep the baby it is not the end of the world, she has amazing parents like you!! I am sure you will all help and support her, she can continue to study with your help, and build a life for herself. It does not need to be a bad thing, it is what you choose it to be. Not caring a fig about others and keeping positive (at least on the outside) will be important. It might be that she is young, but there is no reason why she wouldn't make a tremendously good mother anyway. In the end we might in our society think it less than ideal, but all over the world there are babies being born to younger mothers all of the time. Well done for being a brilliant mother and supporting her so much, she will always love you for that.

[Flingmoo]

There was a 16 year old girl at my school who had a baby and was doing her A-Levels just like everyone else. If your daughter gets through A-Levels, which I should imagine she will with her brains and your support, her baby will already be nursery or even school age by the time she is old enough to attend university. And there are plenty of student parents! Having her own child to look after may even shape her into a more mature and responsible young person than her peers.

It'll be an extra challenge in her life but like previous posters have said, life can throw worse challenges at a teenager, such as a long term illness. If your daughter does stick with her decision to continue the pregnancy I hope all involved eventually come to see the situation in a more positive light and look forward to the arrival of this unexpected new life.

[butterfly133]

Duck, that also worries me but I wasn't brave enough to ask!!

[Duckdeamon]

Does your Dd know about your views against abortion? Could this be influencing her decision, even though you've promised to help her whatever she decides?

[butterfly133]

VenusRising - I don't think "will I have to move out" is an immature question at all, but sadly that's because I've worked with pregnant teens whose parents got them to leave as soon as possible.

It's not immature for the poor child to panic - she needs the support and reassurance of her parents more than ever.

[Mouldypineapple]

"It" is a baby now..

I got pregnant at 17, had dd at 18. Dd's father not interested. My parents, once over the shock, were really supportive and it has made such a difference. They helped me find my own place once she was born, helped me out a lot. Provided some childcare when needed as I started nurse training when she was 2 and was a lone parent so needed help because of shift work etc. as a result of this my dd is incredibly close to them too and they all have a very strong bond. She is a bright young lady, following her own path - and at 22 in no hurry to get pregnant! I have a 5 year old dd too now and this is enough for dd1 for now!
You sound very supportive. She is lucky to have such great love and help from you. Gently support her as appropriate, you know her best. Things will turn out for the best.
Don't stress about the father of the baby too much. I agree your dd needs to tell him then perhaps you meet his parents a bit further down the line. Ultimately if he isn't interested there is a limit to what you can do. It may change in the future as he matures, who knows. (Didn't work for my DD's father, she has never met him but no great loss there!!)

[VenusRising]

This is a difficult situation and from the sounds of it you are all in shock.

Anger disappointment and shock are not healthy mental states to make rational decisions, and I would advise that you all have a counselling session with an agency trained up on teen pregnancy, so you can see all your options and deal with the emotions.

Your DD also needs counselling on her own.

I also think that your DD sounds very immature, her comment will I have to move out really highlights that for me. She hasn't a clue as to how things work, and how you can decide for yourself what happens in her own life.

I hope she wasn't pressurised to have sex by this "jerk" - she does sound like she might have been.

I wonder has she thought it through that if he's thrilled, and wants to be involved in the baby's life, he has rights to be. She'll never be free of him.

I strongly suggest and with respect, you keep your opinions about abortions and 'their little hands' etc to yourself, as your DD deserves her own life and to make her decisions independent of you, and your feelings, and especially now she will need to get into the practice of it.

I think it would be best for her to tell the father herself if she's going to- might wake her up a bit to being a grown up. She will have to do things like this when she's a parent won't she?


But imvho she's too immature to be a parent, and would be best served by having a termination, and the sooner the better, before it's a "baby" in her mind.

I hope you have a good resolution, and wish you all the best.
Have counselling, all of you and especially your 15 year old.

[Ericaequites]

If your daughter can't tell her boyfriend she is expecting, she is too emotionally immature to be a mother.

[Donthate]

Sorry you are going through this. You sound like a fantastic mum and your daughter sounds grown up. You need to take time to get used to the idea because unfortunately once news is out people will gossip. You will find out who your real friends are as will your dd. However if you are a strong unit none of that will matter.

[Indomitable]

Hi OP, sounds like you've had a bit of a week! And as previous posters have said, you're doing great.

It sounds like DD is in an ideal position to take a break from her studies and return to her chronological cohort, given she's already studying a year or two ahead. She sounds like a hard worker (no one gets a science GCSE by accident, especially not two years early) and I'd hope she'll want to continue studying.

Regarding the father. I think he has a right to find out himself first, and have the opportunity to tell his family himself. Invite him round, let DD tell him with privacy. She can let him know you are supportive and be available if he wants to talk things through. He will need support too. If he reacts badly, understand that this will come from fear. He'll need to know he can come back to you for support when he's ready.

Give him enough time to tell his family himself, though he might want your help doing this.

Regarding the school: make sure they accept what DD wants to do. Some places like to hide such "shameful" hints away, but if she wants to remain in mainstream lessons she should be allowed to. (And there's no reason to stop until she's approaching her due date). Yes people will gossip, but they'll get over it.

Teenagers are brilliant. They'll need help, yes, but they may surprise you.

[Am52079]

NOW BREATH! it's not as bad as you think it might be. I was 17 when I fell pregnant with my daughter and was still at sixth Form. My parents were the opposite of you so I had to choose between education or a job to support us. I had to leave and go to work. Fast forward 3 years and I'm now 20, have another beautiful little girl and am starting university in September. With your help, she will be able to achieve anything she wants! I wish my parents had been there to help and I'd be going into my last year at university, not my first. And I know I'll help 100% should either of my girls fall into this situation. You are amazing for wanting to help raise the baby. Don't change! The child will grow up to cherish you :)

[NotEnoughTime]

No advice but just wanted to say what a lovely Mum you sound. I'm sure with your help and support your DD will cope with whatever she decides.

Obviously this isn't an ideal situatuion for any of you to be in but I agree very strongly with an earlier poster who said this wasn't the worst thing that could happen to a teenager.

I wish you all the very best of luck

[flamingtoaster]

You have not failed as a mother - your daughter felt able to come to you and you are being wonderfully supportive of her. As others have already pointed out she can still do all the things she is capable of doing - she will just do them in a different order.

I was in a totally different situation, but also academically "gifted" and did not go to university because it was assumed I would start work and I felt I should work to help support the household. In my thirties I got a First Class Honours Degree and an M.Phil - your daughter will find her way to fulfil her potential when the time is right for her. Wishing you and her all the best as you work through this.

[VincentVonGogh]

Another point I wanted to make is that my school were brilliantly supportive. They agreed to use school funds to part fund a childminder so that I was able to return to school l. I don't know the rules nowadays but then I was unable to claim benefits until I reached 16. I went on to do a levels by this time, dd was in nursery which was paid for by benefits.

[VincentVonGogh]

If you have agreed between you that you do the telling then go ahead and do that I say. It's not going to make a blind bit of difference to the future responsibilities your dd faces.

Those first few days and weeks are hard. Your dd is probably in shock and feeling a little regressed, I just really wanted to be with my mum and I felt like a little girl. Likewise you are probably feeling very protective of her right now. I was grateful to my mum for facing some of those difficulties on my behalf. Do what feels right to you .