I know you've received a lot of feedback regarding your post but I wanted to add some more food for thought. If anything to make you feel a tiny bit better. First off I agree with everyone else. No you have not failed as a parent. Our kids even as young as 15 obviously have their own mind and make their own decisions regardless of how much we try to point them in the right direction. All we can do as parents is try to give the best advice we can and HOPE that they take. Unfortunately more often than not they will think they know better. Sometimes it's just bad luck. But unfortunately one bad decision can be life changing.
I have not been in your place nor have either of my kids had this issue (Now 23 & 21) BUT I too felt as if I'd failed as a parent a few years ago. My daughter who was a nursing student at the time and doing very well, honor student who spent the majority of her time studying and going to school, made a huge mistake. After being a hermit for MONTHS because of her commitment to her studies she went to a friends party. That evening she got behind the wheel of her car while intoxicated. She was in an accident where luckily no one was seriously injured but because their were minor injuries and two other cars involved she was given two choices. She either pleaded guilty to a felony with a strike that would stay on her record FOREVER and just do three years probation or plead guilty to a felony that would come off her record after several years and 3 years probation but she'd have to do six months in jail. She chose the latter and my husband and I just wanted to die.
But she was just nineteen and she didn't want to have to live with a strike on her record for the rest of her life. The day she went to the courthouse to give them her plea and was taken into custody my husband cried the whole way home. It was the worst feeling in the world. My baby who'd never been in ANY kind of trouble in her life was going to jail and there was NOTHING we could do about it. On top of that there was also the shame of it all. No one in our family had ever even been arrested much less done time. It was just such a horrid time in our lives.
As it turned out it wasn't AS bad as I imagined. I pictured my daughter in this tiny little jail cell crying all day and dealing with being surrounded and possibly threatened by dangerous criminals. She was actually in more of dorm setting. No jail cells just large gym like rooms with lots of bunk beds with LOTS of strict rules. Yes she lost all privacy when it came to using the bathroom and showering but she said she got over it fairly quickly. The food also was horrid but she said the hands down worst part about being there was the boredom.
She'd been given 6 months time but was out in 3. Three longest months of my life! Thing is it changed her but not in a bad way. She grew from this unexpected and traumatic experience of her life. Another thing that happened while she was in there and had all that time to ponder was that she realized she had no choice but to follow her dream.
While she chose to go to nursing school because she wanted the shortest career path because she said she didn't like school but didn't want to get just any job it wasn't her first choice of career. Being a veterinarian had been her lifelong dream. Except once she graduated from high school and did her research she said no way was she going to school for the minimum 8 years it would take her to become one. So she'd axed her dream and went with the shorter career choice. One she said she'd never been happy with even though she finished nursing school.
But with a felony on her record now she doesn't qualify to take her state boards to become licensed. The felony will come off her record eventually but it'll be years. In the meantime she'll just have to wait. So when she got out she immediately enrolled in college to start all her general ed classes. She says now if she has to wait to get her career going she may as well do what she really wants to do. She's now a 3rd year pre-vet student and once again on the honor roll. She's completely committed to school and she's also working.
Also I know I'm biased but she's 21 and beautiful. As in a head turner and yet she REFUSES to get "sucked up" in a relationship. Most her high school friends are either married/living with their boyfriends/or have had babies. Some have several. Many of the girls she bonded with in jail were repeat offenders because sadly they were hopelessly drug addicted. Most had lost custody of their children and yet they continued violate their probation by using and getting thrown back in jail.
Because of all this as much as I'd like to erase this experience from our lives I have to say, it made my daughter a better, stronger and more determined person. For one, she admits having friends who use. Because her friends lead normal lives she might've been tempted to also use. Instead after seeing the seemingly nice girls she met in jail who were simply unable to get off the stuff she now says she will NEVER do drugs. Also she has no desire to be in a relationship that might "derail" her school plans because she's absolutely determined to become a vet.
My point is, this might seem like the end of the world right now but your daughter is lucky to have you and your husband. I have a friend who got unexpectedly pregnant, she wasn't as young as your daughter but she was still 19 and not at all prepared for that wrench to be thrown in her plans. Because she had family who helped her she's now a single mom of a beautiful grade school girl and has earned her masters degree. She said having to deal with being a single mom definitely made her a stronger person. So much so for the longest time she kept talking about wanting to move to Hawaii. From Southern Cal where all her family was! I thought she was nuts but she did it! She and her daughter moved out there all alone and she was certain they'd be fine. She got a job and enrolled in school out there to continue her education and it's where she earned her masters degree!
It's been almost three years since my daughter was released from jail. She's doing awesome, we all are. Life isn't perfect and I don't expect it to ever be but I'm convinced now together we can get through anything.
I don't know how religious you are but I have this little sign hanging in my office that says "God gives us only what we can handle. Apparently God thinks I'm a bad-ass." =)
Also every now and again I like to watch this short clip as a reminder that the struggle is what makes us strong enough to survive! Might do you good to bookmark it like I have it and watch it whenever life feels like TOO much of a struggle!
You're daughter is gonna be just fine because of you and your husband AND because THIS will shape her into the strong woman she was going to be someday anyway. Just a little sooner!
God bless!