Help, My 15 year old daughter is pregnant!!

[onceskinnysize8]

So here we go, My daughter told me on Monday that she thinks she might be pregnant. Fast forward to Thursday and the Gp has confirmed it, she is 100% pregnant!
I really don't know what i am supposed to do, I haven't stopped crying, my husband has taken it even worse, i have never seen him so angry and upset. Our daughter is scared and is crying constantly.
She is resolute that she is having the baby, She says she couldn't live with herself if she had an abortion, she said she would feel like she had killed a baby. Only she could possibly make that decision.
I have told her we are there for her and we will help her bring up this baby.
I worry about her future now as a single young mum, what about school, university and being a normal 15 year old?

I really do not know what i am supposed to do in this situation, we have not told the father yet or his family, it is a boy the same age she knows from school. Beyond the shock that she is pregnant i feel ashamed and embarrassed that i have failed as a mother. I had had the talk about contraception and sex with her earlier this year as i suspected she might be sexually active, she has always been well developed physically for her age compared to her peers, clearly it didn't sink in!

I just can not get my head around my young girl being pregnant at such a young age,

What do i do? Has anybody else gone through this?

[SurlyCue]

Ive reported the spam. Which is really fucking inappropriate given the subject of this thread!

[brusselsproutwarning]

I think your dd has to tell the boy herself and let him tell his parents. Then after that arrange a meet up with his parents. You sound lovely and your dd is lucky to have you.

[butterfly133]

I just want to add something after my earlier post

The reason I said what i said about making sure she knows her options...I have done some work with young people. By far the most heartbreaking thing I have seen is the sense of regret and despair of children who had children. I have seen this in them even after the child has got older, even when education and careers are on track etc.

This is MN. I hope most of us know it is by no means automatic that the baby arrives and you love them.

So if she will not even consider abortion, ask her to think about it rationally. She is a child. She needs help. If she wants an abortion, she needs to do it soon.

If she doesn't, she may wish to consider adoption.

She may of course wish to keep it. I just had to say this because I weep when I remember the children for whom it was just a given that they were having a baby and they ended up so angry later on, often feeling the adults in their lives had not talked to them properly.

Which is why I will also say again, no hurry to tell the boy.

[VincentVonGogh]

Dear op
You aren't a bad mum, I have 1dd and 2sdd, they had the talk then it was just fingers crossed from me. I knew any one of them could come home pregnant as a teen.

I was pregnant at 14, my parents were devastated too and embarrassed. I too couldn't consider termination (though mum tried hard for this) and just turned 15 when I gave birth. I don't remember being scared or worried because I don't think the maturity is there to worry at that level. I'd be much more scared if I was pregnant now in my 30s!

My dd is 19 now and is training to be a nurse. I'm married with a good job and feel like I have my whole life ahead of me. I can go anywhere, do anything now.

My dd is amazing, I put this down to her formative years being spent with a team who doted on her. She was raised by me, my parents and my siblings, surrounded by love.

I feel for teen mums who didn't have that support and will be forever grateful to my family.

I wish you and your dd all the best x

[GatoradeMeBitch]

I don't think it would be at all right to pressure the girl to abort. They've clearly already had that conversation. I'm pro-choice, but the 'choice' part is most important. I'm assuming she knows she wouldn't be 'killing her baby' but is just using dramatic language because of the way she's feeling (also, asking if you would kick her out). If she wants the baby, her feelings are as valid as those of a 40 year old.

Personally I'd be bringing the other family into this as soon as she feels ready, because they are probably going to be part of the equation for the next 18 plus years. Also because she should know whether the boy wants to be involved, or if he's even going to be civil about it. Do you have an idea of his personality?

[onceskinnysize8]

Personally i don't agree with abortion, i have seen videos of a termination and the little hands. It has stayed with me ever since. (See youtube if you have never seen this and search abortion video).
I thank those of you who have given me some sensible advice, one way or another we will get through things.
I really do hope that my daughter will carry on with her studies, she is immensely gifted and i would hate to think she would give up. As some of you have mentioned there is life after children.
The point made about giving her control and us not taking over is important. these things have to be decided by her. I think as we will support her and our grandchild financially we will give her the money and expect her to budget accordingly.
She is going to tell the father next week, it seems his family are on holiday, i dread making the phone call to his parents. Not quite sure what i say to be honest. You don't think this will ever happen to you. My daughter says she thinks his parents will want some sort of involvement as they are a nice family and hard working. She thinks they will be equally shocked. She is less sure about the father to be, she says he can be in her words a 'jerk' and 'arse' at times.
Will keep you posted and thanks for the replies

[SurlyCue]

Wrt money OP you or your daughter may be entitled to claim child benefit and tax credits for the baby, there may also be other help available (i am just guessing- i am no expert) so when you do see a midwife ask if she can provide any information or direct you to someone who can.

I also agree that teaching her to budget from the start is a really important thing. You and DH could decide on a budget of how much you are willing to contribute (perhaps once you know what other help she will be entitled to) and tell DD that this is the figure she has to work with. And suggest things she might need to budget for that she maybe wouldnt think of.

[madwomanbackintheattic]

Why are you making the phone call?

It is her responsibility to tell him. And his responsibility (or theirs) to tell his parents.

These kids are going to be parents. They have to understand that there are adult responsibilities that come with this, including informing the grandparents-to-be. Once that is out of the way, then you can all meet and start the more formal discussions as to how you can support them. (Or otherwise, it may of course be that they fall into defensive mode and accuse did of all sorts of things, and have no intention of being supportive).

Please don't let your own bias around abortions affect your dd's decision.

[madwomanbackintheattic]

And poor kid. The realisation that she has changed her entire life for a kid who can be a jerk and an arse. Please do make sure she isn't punishing herself for the mistake of sleeping with him by keeping this baby - do you have access to any counseling for gifted teens in your area? (It may be worth seeking some out nationally to help her work through this, as sometimes their ethical and moral codes can be quite complex).

[LibrariesGaveUsPower]

Yes, you can be there. But she needs to do the telling. Not you.

[VincentVonGogh]

If you have agreed between you that you do the telling then go ahead and do that I say. It's not going to make a blind bit of difference to the future responsibilities your dd faces.

Those first few days and weeks are hard. Your dd is probably in shock and feeling a little regressed, I just really wanted to be with my mum and I felt like a little girl. Likewise you are probably feeling very protective of her right now. I was grateful to my mum for facing some of those difficulties on my behalf. Do what feels right to you .

[VincentVonGogh]

Another point I wanted to make is that my school were brilliantly supportive. They agreed to use school funds to part fund a childminder so that I was able to return to school l. I don't know the rules nowadays but then I was unable to claim benefits until I reached 16. I went on to do a levels by this time, dd was in nursery which was paid for by benefits.

[flamingtoaster]

You have not failed as a mother - your daughter felt able to come to you and you are being wonderfully supportive of her. As others have already pointed out she can still do all the things she is capable of doing - she will just do them in a different order.

I was in a totally different situation, but also academically "gifted" and did not go to university because it was assumed I would start work and I felt I should work to help support the household. In my thirties I got a First Class Honours Degree and an M.Phil - your daughter will find her way to fulfil her potential when the time is right for her. Wishing you and her all the best as you work through this.

[NotEnoughTime]

No advice but just wanted to say what a lovely Mum you sound. I'm sure with your help and support your DD will cope with whatever she decides.

Obviously this isn't an ideal situatuion for any of you to be in but I agree very strongly with an earlier poster who said this wasn't the worst thing that could happen to a teenager.

I wish you all the very best of luck

[Am52079]

NOW BREATH! it's not as bad as you think it might be. I was 17 when I fell pregnant with my daughter and was still at sixth Form. My parents were the opposite of you so I had to choose between education or a job to support us. I had to leave and go to work. Fast forward 3 years and I'm now 20, have another beautiful little girl and am starting university in September. With your help, she will be able to achieve anything she wants! I wish my parents had been there to help and I'd be going into my last year at university, not my first. And I know I'll help 100% should either of my girls fall into this situation. You are amazing for wanting to help raise the baby. Don't change! The child will grow up to cherish you :)

[Indomitable]

Hi OP, sounds like you've had a bit of a week! And as previous posters have said, you're doing great.

It sounds like DD is in an ideal position to take a break from her studies and return to her chronological cohort, given she's already studying a year or two ahead. She sounds like a hard worker (no one gets a science GCSE by accident, especially not two years early) and I'd hope she'll want to continue studying.

Regarding the father. I think he has a right to find out himself first, and have the opportunity to tell his family himself. Invite him round, let DD tell him with privacy. She can let him know you are supportive and be available if he wants to talk things through. He will need support too. If he reacts badly, understand that this will come from fear. He'll need to know he can come back to you for support when he's ready.

Give him enough time to tell his family himself, though he might want your help doing this.

Regarding the school: make sure they accept what DD wants to do. Some places like to hide such "shameful" hints away, but if she wants to remain in mainstream lessons she should be allowed to. (And there's no reason to stop until she's approaching her due date). Yes people will gossip, but they'll get over it.

Teenagers are brilliant. They'll need help, yes, but they may surprise you.

[Donthate]

Sorry you are going through this. You sound like a fantastic mum and your daughter sounds grown up. You need to take time to get used to the idea because unfortunately once news is out people will gossip. You will find out who your real friends are as will your dd. However if you are a strong unit none of that will matter.

[Ericaequites]

If your daughter can't tell her boyfriend she is expecting, she is too emotionally immature to be a mother.

[VenusRising]

This is a difficult situation and from the sounds of it you are all in shock.

Anger disappointment and shock are not healthy mental states to make rational decisions, and I would advise that you all have a counselling session with an agency trained up on teen pregnancy, so you can see all your options and deal with the emotions.

Your DD also needs counselling on her own.

I also think that your DD sounds very immature, her comment will I have to move out really highlights that for me. She hasn't a clue as to how things work, and how you can decide for yourself what happens in her own life.

I hope she wasn't pressurised to have sex by this "jerk" - she does sound like she might have been.

I wonder has she thought it through that if he's thrilled, and wants to be involved in the baby's life, he has rights to be. She'll never be free of him.

I strongly suggest and with respect, you keep your opinions about abortions and 'their little hands' etc to yourself, as your DD deserves her own life and to make her decisions independent of you, and your feelings, and especially now she will need to get into the practice of it.

I think it would be best for her to tell the father herself if she's going to- might wake her up a bit to being a grown up. She will have to do things like this when she's a parent won't she?


But imvho she's too immature to be a parent, and would be best served by having a termination, and the sooner the better, before it's a "baby" in her mind.

I hope you have a good resolution, and wish you all the best.
Have counselling, all of you and especially your 15 year old.

[Mouldypineapple]

"It" is a baby now..

I got pregnant at 17, had dd at 18. Dd's father not interested. My parents, once over the shock, were really supportive and it has made such a difference. They helped me find my own place once she was born, helped me out a lot. Provided some childcare when needed as I started nurse training when she was 2 and was a lone parent so needed help because of shift work etc. as a result of this my dd is incredibly close to them too and they all have a very strong bond. She is a bright young lady, following her own path - and at 22 in no hurry to get pregnant! I have a 5 year old dd too now and this is enough for dd1 for now!
You sound very supportive. She is lucky to have such great love and help from you. Gently support her as appropriate, you know her best. Things will turn out for the best.
Don't stress about the father of the baby too much. I agree your dd needs to tell him then perhaps you meet his parents a bit further down the line. Ultimately if he isn't interested there is a limit to what you can do. It may change in the future as he matures, who knows. (Didn't work for my DD's father, she has never met him but no great loss there!!)

[butterfly133]

VenusRising - I don't think "will I have to move out" is an immature question at all, but sadly that's because I've worked with pregnant teens whose parents got them to leave as soon as possible.

It's not immature for the poor child to panic - she needs the support and reassurance of her parents more than ever.

[Duckdeamon]

Does your Dd know about your views against abortion? Could this be influencing her decision, even though you've promised to help her whatever she decides?

[butterfly133]

Duck, that also worries me but I wasn't brave enough to ask!!