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Parenting

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Original poster

Sister's new boyfriend hugging my son

87 replies

nam207 · 21/06/2015 22:45

Hi, I'd like people's thoughts on a situation that's been bothering me.

My sister has a new boyfriend she's only been seeing a few months and I've only met him a total of 5 times.

I have a 2.5 year old son and the new boyfriend is very huggy with him and it's making me feel uncomfortable.

The first time he hugged him was as they were saying goodbye on the first time we met. I thought it was unusual for someone to hug a non-relative's child they had only just met but my sister had just hugged my son so I thought maybe he felt he should.

Since then its clear that he is instigating the hugs. So much so that this weekend he actually picked my son up from sitting on the sofa just to do it.

My sister's boyfriend isn't huggy with me or other adults and so I'm finding it a bit odd - I'd personally have to know a child and the parents pretty well before I'd consider hugging them appropriate.

What does everyone else think? AIBU or is it a bit taboo?

How can I say anything without it causing a big stink?

Thank you for your thoughts.

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CamelHump · 21/06/2015 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

griselda101 · 21/06/2015 22:49

i think i would find it a bit weird too. I think there are certain boundaries around children that people should realise if they aren't direct family or close friends.

other than the hugging, what's he like? does anything else strike you as weird? If not he's probably ok.

but trust your instinct on him as a person, rather than the hugging behaviour. When you met him what was your feeling about him?

Original poster

nam207 · 21/06/2015 22:50

I'm not sure really. Maybe its because I trained as a teacher

Or maybe because I seem to be more huggy thsn him but just wouldn't do it to a child of someone I'd just met.

That's why I thought I'd see what others thought

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HomeIsWhereTheHeartIs · 21/06/2015 22:51

How old is the hugger?

Newtobecomingamum · 21/06/2015 22:53

Umm no the only people I would allow to affectionately cuddle my child like that would be immediate family.. Not spouses (unless been together a long time and I knew them inside out), not friends... No one.

Sounds odd to me!

Original poster

nam207 · 21/06/2015 22:54

Griselda101

I'm not sure what to make of him. I haven't instantly warmed to him but other than the hugging thing there's nothing I could pinpoint as directly not liking. I guess the verdict is still out

OP posts:

Original poster

nam207 · 21/06/2015 22:56

Home

He's late 30's divorced with 2 kids of his own that he only see's one weekend a fortnight

OP posts:

griselda101 · 21/06/2015 22:56

i would put feelers out if you can elsewhere - maybe there's someone on facebook who knows him and knows you could ask their advice (quietly!) about him without your sister knowing?

have you asked your other family members their thoughts about him?

griselda101 · 21/06/2015 22:58

if he's got two kids he never sees he might be missing them and a hug with your DS might make him feel a bit better.

take your sis out for coffee and do a bit of detective work, tactfully, mind you.

HomeIsWhereTheHeartIs · 21/06/2015 22:58

I thought you were going to say teenager.
I can't decide if it's weird or if it's just reflective of his parenting style.

mrstweefromtweesville · 21/06/2015 22:59

If you aren't comfortable, keep the child away from him. If that doesn't stop it, have a quiet word with him. He shouldn't hug your child if you don't want him to.

Original poster

nam207 · 21/06/2015 23:01

I haven't mentioned anything yet as my mum and dad seem to like him and I don't want my mum to worry they'll be a rift. I thought I'd see what other's thought first.

Its not even like im thinking omg he's a child molester but I do feel for most people it would be socially inappropriate

OP posts:

Goldensunnydays81 · 21/06/2015 23:04

Is he English nam?
Dh is Sri lankan and in Sri Lanka ds would be picked up and hugged by everyone same when we went to Spain would be picked up and hugged by waiters etc!
Maybe it has been normal in his family and everyone hugged kids and that's what he sees as Normal but if you aren't comfortable about it keep watch

VerityWaves · 21/06/2015 23:04

I would just make some polite but firm comments - he's not really into hugs , he's resting now ...

CamelHump · 21/06/2015 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

nam207 · 21/06/2015 23:13

Thanks everyone. I wasn't sure if everyone else was going to say its completely normal you're too buttoned up or something!

I will keep an eye. I might be a bit sneaky and try and invite my sister over when he's on his weekends with his own kids or maybe my son can be doing something fun with daddy when I visit them. At least until I've worked out what I think about him.

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TRexingInAsda · 21/06/2015 23:15

I have a 2.5yr old, they're adorable well, mine is. I think hugging kids that age (babies/toddlers) is normal, especially if you're a parent yourself. But equally it's ok for you to not be ok with it - just tell your sister to tell him you like to keep a bit of distance.

DancingDinosaur · 21/06/2015 23:20

Not sure, I guess it depends how you feel about it. My friends bf hugged my ds when I/we first met him, but he seems very kiddy orientated, I didn't feel weird about it. But if you think its not right, then maybe theres something you're picking up on but not quite sure what. Fwiw, I had a weird feeling about my cousins husband and would never leave him alone with the dc. I know that doesn't sound nice of me, but I just didn't trust him.

TaintedAngel · 21/06/2015 23:34

You are the parent so it doesn't matter if you are being unreasonable or not. its your choice who has physical contact with your child. But fwiw unless I had reason to doubt the motives of the hugger I really wouldnt mind. He is not with your child in another room hugging or trying to be secretive with the hugs. I think he is just trying his hardest to be friendly. I adore kids have none of my own and am huggy with children. He may not be family but he could already be looking at you as part of his family now he is with your dsis. I wouldn't worry too much about it but as said previously what you feel comfortable with for your child is what matters. have a quiet word with your sis so she can ask him to stop.

Original poster

nam207 · 22/06/2015 06:43

I have thought about him just trying to be part of the family but he doesn't want my sister to meet his children yet so in a way that makes it even more odd.

Keeping my sister away from his kids until he feels they are more of permanent item but being really extra friendly with my son.

I did wonder whether that would be a route to asking him not to do it - saying I don't want my son to get too attached ...

OP posts:

popalot · 22/06/2015 07:01

It is inappropriate. Playing with your son, yes. But picking him up for cuddles? I can't even picture that really, it seems very odd. Only close relatives should do that. He should know that. You might have to be quite blunt and say something like 'why don't you play with the toys' and take your son off him next time. Is your son comfortable with it?

Fairylea · 22/06/2015 07:11

I think it's a bit sad that someone who wants to be nice to a child and give them a hug is quickly labelled "inappropriate". Your sister obviously thinks he's a nice guy and if you're always around your son too then nothing wrong is going to happen, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt if your son is happy about it.

MythicalKings · 22/06/2015 07:15

If your son likes being cuddled and isn't resisting I don't think it's a problem. I often cuddle the DCs of friends, I like children.

You don't like him much so you're over thinking.

RonaldosAbs · 22/06/2015 07:18

Where is he from?

TheXxed · 22/06/2015 08:14

Trust your instincts, I remember as a child feeling really uncomfortable around one of my mums boyfriends he was overly tactile and tried to engineer moments for us to be alone.

I felt on edge all the time.

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