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Original poster

Sister's new boyfriend hugging my son

87 replies

nam207 · 21/06/2015 22:45

Hi, I'd like people's thoughts on a situation that's been bothering me.

My sister has a new boyfriend she's only been seeing a few months and I've only met him a total of 5 times.

I have a 2.5 year old son and the new boyfriend is very huggy with him and it's making me feel uncomfortable.

The first time he hugged him was as they were saying goodbye on the first time we met. I thought it was unusual for someone to hug a non-relative's child they had only just met but my sister had just hugged my son so I thought maybe he felt he should.

Since then its clear that he is instigating the hugs. So much so that this weekend he actually picked my son up from sitting on the sofa just to do it.

My sister's boyfriend isn't huggy with me or other adults and so I'm finding it a bit odd - I'd personally have to know a child and the parents pretty well before I'd consider hugging them appropriate.

What does everyone else think? AIBU or is it a bit taboo?

How can I say anything without it causing a big stink?

Thank you for your thoughts.

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wannaBe · 22/06/2015 08:20

would you consider it inappropriate if it was a woman?

I think it's incredibly sad that we have developed into a society where any attention given by someone who isn't a close family member is considered inappropriate. What kind of message are we teaching our children about being able to get close to people when they're older if we put up these kinds of barriers when they're younger? If the child isn't bothered about it then I don't see it as an issue. two year olds are cute. I might pick up someone's two year old if I was becoming a member of their family or having regular contact with them as a friend. The idea that people should be told that hugging is inappropriate is just incredibly sad.

As long as we teach our children that they have a right to their own boundaries and that it's ok for them to say no then I think we need to stop over-thinking these things as a society....

Kent1982 · 22/06/2015 08:22

This is a funny one, I have only recently had a baby and had little contact with kids prior but when I met my oh he had many friends and little nephews etc and it seemed as though I was expected to hug them on arrival and departure. I'm not a natural hugger but I did it so I didn't feel like a cold fish. Maybe this guys just been hanging around with the more cuddly types so he thinks he is supposed to like I did.

You know what I would do I would keep the little one to myself if your not so keen so when it's looking like hug time just pick the LO up that might sort it out.

See in my own experience I didn't really want to hug the kids it felt forced to me but I didn't want people to think I was cold or didn't like their LO

PeppermintCrayon · 22/06/2015 08:34

Never ignore gut instinct.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds Families General parenting
Original poster
nam207 · 22/06/2015 08:41

He's British and like I said the reason it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable is not because I'm thinking he is having untoward thoughts etc but more just because I find it slightly odd behaviour in general in that most people (and perhaps particularly men) would not cuddle children they barely knew especially if they barely knew the parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
nam207 · 22/06/2015 08:44

Kent1982 that's a great idea. I can pick him up myself and carry him over to the door to wave bye to everyone. Maybe get him into high five's as well. Thanks Smile

OP posts:
AdventureBe · 22/06/2015 08:45

This is making me very sad. I have a friend who hugs all children, even ones she's only just met - she loves children and that makes her a lovely person in most people's eyes. When a man does it, it makes him scary and odd.

That said, I don't think you're wrong to be concerned.

How is he treating your sister? Not wanting her to meet his DC yet makes him sound like a responsible father to me. 2.5 yos are cuddly and cuddling them is one of life's simple pleasures (provided they are happy and willing). Perhaps he's missing his own DC? I don't think it's unusual for adults to instigate cuddles with little ones, I used to run a toddler group and would cuddle all the DC, even though I'm not at all cuddly with adults. Many of the parents cuddled each others' DC.

Small children don't have enough men in their lives IMO, if this one is enjoying being around your DS, I'd see that as a positive thing. It takes a village....

However, if he started instigating reasons for them to be alone, I would be very worried and as PP says, you do need to listen to your instincts.

enviousllama · 22/06/2015 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannaBe · 22/06/2015 08:54

agreed that not wanting your sister to meet his children yet is very responsible if they've not been together that long yet.

ggirl · 22/06/2015 09:06

I would listen and trust your instincts , mothers instinct is very rarely wrong

MythicalKings · 22/06/2015 09:47

mothers instinct is very rarely wrong

Yes is. Very often.

Weebirdie · 22/06/2015 09:49

I think Fairylea and Mythical are spot on.

BertrandRussell · 22/06/2015 09:53

"I would listen and trust your instincts , mothers instinct is very rarely wrong"

Yes it is.

ShelaghTurner · 22/06/2015 09:57

I'd hazard a guess that he just misses his own kids. And what he does with his children is not relevant, you're not a prospective new partner but your sister is so the relationship is different. Keep a watchful eye but if your child doesn't mind then I can't really see an issue.

SoupDragon · 22/06/2015 09:59

If it were your sister's new girlfriend, would you also assume they were a paedophile?

Tequilashotfor1 · 22/06/2015 09:59

I had this at a toddler party I went to. DD has just turned two and a man there (I knew him vaguely) kept making a bee line for dd. At first he was just helping her down the slide, then holding her hands on a trampoline, then a bouncy castle till it was them wandering around holding hands and him picking her up. To an outsider it would have looked like she had came with him.

He wasn't doing it with the other kids. In fact he was telling them to be carefull near her. I took her in side the bloke came in too and while I was helping with another child I seen her wander out side so I went out and that bloody fella was out there following her around again Angry

I ended up picking her up and going in to another room.

I'm not saying he was a pedophile or anything like that but he was over stepping a boundry snd needed to back off, he was weirding me out.

Ettikete · 22/06/2015 10:09

Dear Lord! You learn all sorts on MN and thank God. I am not originally from Britian but lived here for 20 odd yrs. I had absolutely no idea that it wasn't the done British thing to hug children unless you were close family. I tend to hug ds11 friends and the little girls in his class, I had no idea I was doing something wrong Shock, I wouldn't even think twice about picking up a toddler in whose home I was visiting. It's just the done thing in my home country and no one thinks twice about it, it would seem abnormal to just say 'hello' and walk past a toddler.

I'm really glad I saw this thread.

AdventureBe · 22/06/2015 10:17

An awful lot of what you learn on MN is nonsense Ettikete, don't change a thing!

OP's spidey senses may or may not have picked up something odd in this situation but there's nothing odd in itself about a man who knows the child's Aunt well, hugging a small child.

ch1134 · 22/06/2015 10:30

I don't think it'd cross my mind that this were weird. I'd think it were sweet, unless I disliked him for some reason. He's probably really into your sister and is trying to make an effort.

BertrandRussell · 22/06/2015 10:37

Anyone what to join my Bollocks to SpidySense campaign?

MrNedSchneebly · 22/06/2015 10:37

I'm so surprised this isn't a unanimous YABU. If you don't think its for creepy reasons (and you'd be crackers if you did) then why on earth should it bother you? That's a serious question I really don't see why it makes you uncomfortable. Not many people are friendly and comfortable with kids even if they have their own and I absolutely love it when people are with mine.

Momagain1 · 22/06/2015 10:44

In our family, a potential incomer who engaged with the children would be considered the better choice over one who didnt. Which I guess probably means many of my male relations were seen as oddly interested in children to their b/gfriend's families.

i would go with the plan to casually defuse it and the reasoning of not wanting DS to get too used to the boyfriend is just as valid as his not introducing his children to your DSis and all of you yet.

Ettikete · 22/06/2015 10:50

I'm just cringing thinking all these mums be thinking I'm some kind of weirdo. Adventure thanks but it does seem like the majority here do not feel this is normal behaviour.

2.5 yr olds are just so cute, all that chubby leg, thighs and hands going on, I just want to squish them, mine or not, I will certainly refrain from this from now on.

MythicalKings · 22/06/2015 11:01
LastOneDancing · 22/06/2015 11:06

Babies and toddlers are made to be adorable and lovable. I think it's sad that in our culture liking kids is cause for alarm.

Don't get me wrong, my instinct is to find it strange because it's the way I've been brought up too.

But having just come back from Turkey and seeing the affection and kindness shown by male waiters, gardeners and passers by to my little DS it makes me sad that were expected to be so cold to children.

TheXxed · 22/06/2015 11:30

Betrand sexual assaults against children are under reported. Despite lived experience of male violence women are expected minimise it ' Not all men' etc.

Also paedophiles groom families.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3050628/Paedophile-gang-groomed-families-rape-abuse-babies.html

www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2015/apr/22/child-sex-paedophile-abuse-gang-revealed-trial-two-convictions

www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/news/uk/article4476301.ece