Sister's new boyfriend hugging my son

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Hi, I'd like people's thoughts on a situation that's been bothering me.

My sister has a new boyfriend she's only been seeing a few months and I've only met him a total of 5 times.

I have a 2.5 year old son and the new boyfriend is very huggy with him and it's making me feel uncomfortable.

The first time he hugged him was as they were saying goodbye on the first time we met. I thought it was unusual for someone to hug a non-relative's child they had only just met but my sister had just hugged my son so I thought maybe he felt he should.

Since then its clear that he is instigating the hugs. So much so that this weekend he actually picked my son up from sitting on the sofa just to do it.

My sister's boyfriend isn't huggy with me or other adults and so I'm finding it a bit odd - I'd personally have to know a child and the parents pretty well before I'd consider hugging them appropriate.

What does everyone else think? AIBU or is it a bit taboo?

How can I say anything without it causing a big stink?

Thank you for your thoughts.

Ettikette - how old are the kids you hug - 11? Eeek! Toddlers and 5, 6, 7 year olds fine, but really not when they're at secondary school.

Really The Xxed? How is saying "not all men..." minimising? It's just fact.

If OP has reason to believe something untoward is going on then of course she must take steps to protect her child, but a man who likes cuddling a 2yo really isn't automatically a risk.

It's true that a mother's new boyfriend is a big risk to a child, that's one reason why it's important not to introduce them too soon, but that's not the situation here. This man is never alone with the child.

women are expected minimise it ' Not all men' etc.

Well, not all men are paedophiles are they? Not even most men are paedophiles or sexual predators.

I hope my sons never have reason to cross paths with some of the people on this thread.

"Bertrand sexual assaults against children are under reported."

Where did I say they weren't?

When I say 'Not all men' I am referring to the straw man argument used to undermine and minimise women talking about male violence.

time.com/79357/not-all-men-a-brief-history-of-every-dudes-favorite-argument/

Bertrand you are being insincere 'bollocks to spideysense', my intuition is an amalgamation of lived experiences of being assaulted and the observing the behaviors of the people who assaulted.

Also we grossly underestimate the number of paedophiles.
www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1379946/UK-has-250000-paedophiles-says-police-study.html

"Bertrand you are being insincere 'bollocks to SpidySense"

No I m not- I have rarely been more sincere.

When I said you were being 'insincere' I was referring to the 'under reporting of child abuse'.

The implication being that intuition is bollocks because it is not useful. I argue that it's very important because child abuse is so prevalent and rarely reported someone needs to employ several methods to keep their safe, intuition being one of them.

titchy I always hug my dds friends', they are in their twenties now and have done it since they were tiny. I'm not the only one either, a lot of parents I know do it.

titchy You are precisely the reason why I will not be hugging anymore British kids. What is the 'eek' for? I've known them since they were
7yrs, rubbed bruises on bumped knees, hugs for the girls ds teased etc. So what if they are in secondary school do they suddenly become aliens? You don't seem to have a very clean mind.

When I go back to my home country I always get hugs from my old friends mum's and I'm nearly 50!

The implication being that intuition is bollocks because it is not useful. I argue that it's very important because child abuse is so prevalent and rarely reported someone needs to employ several methods to keep their safe, intuition being one of them.

Oh, so you think you can tell a paedophile just by looking at them.

It's all a pointless argument any way because the OP has specifically said her concern is not because she thinks he is dangerous.

No SoupDragon my intuition is based on the behaviors of people who have assaulted me in the past.

Wow. Well I must be a really naive. My sisters boyfriend loves kids and is always playing with my DD and DNephew (other sisters child) and I have never thought it was weird. Ever!! He's 24 and he genuinely just likes interacting with kids.

Etikette if you've known them since they were little that something entirely different. I had visions of you hugging a hulking great 12 year old lad you'd never met before when your ds invited him over. Your reference to the 'little girls' in his class also gives the impression you still think of them as little kids when they're not, they're pretty much adolescents.

The British are not terribly huggy, other cultures are, that's all. As a rule parents don't hug their kids' friends once they get to an age where they're self-conscious about public displays of affection. Nothing to do with them turning into aliens or my mind being unclean....

Also we grossly underestimate the number of paedophiles

This with bells on.

In answer to the OP, I don't think.it sounds creepy AT ALL. And surely by 2.5 children are able to wriggle etc and make it clear they don't want/like a hug? DS is very particular on who hugs him, wouldn't even hold grandad's hand yesterday butmybe this afternoon he'll be all New Affectionate Toddler on the Block.

Reading threads like these makes me glad i don't live in the UK!

He's hugging your son when you are watching?
If he was trying to lure him to some bushes in the park, then yes I would be alarmed
I don't see the issue here. Maybe he is trying to score brownie points with your sister by showing her how much he likes kids.

Police and trainers of child carers advise us to trust our instincts. Why are a few pps tell us not to trust our instincts to protect our children? Who benefits from their telling us not to protect our children? Our children do not benefit . If the op allows this unusual behaviour to continue ,her child will beleive it is approved by his parents and it may set the stage for another step into unsafer territory. Nip it in the bud. Trust your instinct . Your brain is picking up signals that you are not aware of. In any case better safe than sorry.

Unless you have other reasons for feeling uncomfortable about this, I really don't see why a male giving a young child a friendly hug is any reason for concern. Would you prefer that he ignored her?

I always find threads like this really sad.

" Who benefits from their telling us not to protect our children? Our children do not benefit"

Nobody is telling you not to protect your children. I am saying that "going on instinct" is utter bollocks, and is just as likely to get you to trust somebody dodgy as the opposite.

Thanks to everyone for their replies. I guess it was always a question where there would be people on both sides of the fence but I just wanted to guage whether on balance people thought it was OK or not usually what people do.

I'm not sure exactly why its making me uncomfortable. I think its partly because it just seems really incongruent with the rest of his behaviour/personality and that makes it feel odd. It isn't that I've thought he was being seedy.

My main concern was trying to find a way of either raising it with my sister or preventing the behaviour without it causing a falling out. I think with mumsnetters help I've got some ideas on how to do that now. Thank you

I'm British and I am a huggy person from a huggy family. I still hug DSs friends when I see them and they are all grown up. Actually, they hug me more than the other way round and they did all through their teens.

I hug my friends both male and female. It's not weird and un British, it's perfectly normal.

I'm trained in child protection and never was I taught that parents should "trust their instincts".

If your son isnt comfortable then i would put a stop to it maybe he thinks your son is super cute i dunno it doesnt seem weird to me but i guess you are not happy with it try and block the hugs if you can and keep your son by you.

It will be tragic if something does happen --and too late. Trust your instinct. Agree also with the underestimated numbers of pedophiles. How many children does 1 pedo harm over the course of a lifetime? What % of those victims will proceed to a life of pedophilia ? The numbers from this mathematical progression are horrifying.